here I go again

I'm 46, and struggling with my drinking again. I have been in AA several times and in Rehab twice. I just can't make it past a certain point and I go out again. It's been 3 years since I was last in recovery and I am feeling like I need to get back in again. I am ashamed and feel like even the people in AA will be disgusted in me because of my track record.
I have been a highly functioning alcoholic, but lately I feel like it's starting to change, my job is very intense and is making me drink more and more often. I am depressed and exhausted. I feel like I am living a very secret life, but today I confessed to my doctor about my problem.
I drove up to a meeting about an hour ago. It had already started. I could hear the clapping inside and I felt this panic wash over me and took off. I don't know if I can do it alone and I don't have anyone who can help me.

BikerBill8

Hi My name is Bill and I am the same age as you. I know what you are going through I was where you are now I weny back out and lost everything do to my drinking and it took me three years to come back that was in 97 and I didn't come back until 2000 I now have been sober for almost 3 years. You said that you tried to go and you got scared. A A does not tell you to leave they will welcome you back so try to go again tonight and let me know how it went. Be Cool BikerBill8

CarolD

Hi There...

No matter how often I relapsed in AA...no one ever was less than kind as I crept back up the stairs. I was in and out up and down until...

I read "Under The Influence" by Dr. James Milam.

Eureka!! I was not nutso or evil or weak...but I had a disease!!

I used that info plus AA and stopped drinking.

Like you...I fnctioned quite well. Depression drove me into AA. Once I finally got/stayed sober my depression quickly vanished.

Cheering you forward...

Nors

I completely understand how you feel. I, on the other hand, have a lot more time on my hands, I don't work. At least I can respect you more than me, having all the stress from working hard. Not working just makes me concentrate more on all the negative emotions I feel all the time, and Im getting more and more anxietic from being isolated from things to long, plus the feeling of not being worthy of anything.
I've been getting closer and closer to picking up a drink again, Im so scared to cuz I know it WILL end up in a disaster. I know that for sure. Plus the feeling of hopelessness, and that low, low feeling, like death of my soul or something, that scares me So bad! And the loniliness! The distant feeling I get from my husband and hurt in his eyes, it's So hard to take! But, god, I want IT so bad!!! It is a real struggle!! And it is very scary!!
You've got to think about what you can end up doing to your life! It can be altered for ever so easily, when you decide to pick up that drink! There really is a chance that you take when you, or I decide to take that drink. Being an alcoholic, I have to think about what is important to me. Alcohol is evil to me, being an alcoholic. I cannot change that at all.
I've been finding every excuse possible to keep from going to an AA meeting also, mostly cuz of anxiety, but I know I need to go and get active with it. I've also been to rehab twice. Last rehab was about 10yrs ago. I just recently, started being more accepting with knowing I can't drink, I can never drink normal, NEVER! I've tried for So long! Finally, I feel that way, never thought I would. BUT, the want keeps coming, especially under emotional stress. Seeing people drink and party, get togethers, holidays, stuff like that, is hard, but the emotional stress is what scares me more than anything, I just get so I don't care, and I have to pull myself back somehow, anything at all, I think of real happiness without drinking, and the love I felt from family or friends that was real, I think of the awful feelings I feel after the alcohol wares off, and the shame, ANYTHING to help me not do it. Get yourself in here and tell someone, or call someone who understands. Im here for you, and hearing your story helps me too. Plus, being able to share helps me.

Peter

Here I go again, welcome to the forum.

I used to think that the economic pressures and the stress of living was one of the major reasons why I needed alcohol to help me cope.

Today I understand that alcoholism is an obsessive and compulsive disorder and that the reasons why I drank were physical and mental.I could tell you a hundred reasons why I drank but all of them were based on "rationalization and justification."

I found a way to live my life without alcohol with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The shame you feel about going back to AA is normal but don't allow your shame to prevent you from getting the help that you can find in AA.

Every person in that room will understand exactly what you are going through because they too suffer with the same thing.

Ask yourself one important question.If the situation was reversed and you saw someone coming back into the room after a long relapse,would you judge them?Based on your own experiences with the cunning baffling and powerful nature of alcohol.

Hopefully this time around things will be different for you and with a new sense of committment to staying sober I know it can be.

Best of luck to you.

Chy

Here,

If at first you don't succed try, try again! AA is my way and you must keep going back to achieve your desired sobriety. Like Peter said if the situation was reversed how would you recieve a fellow member who has relapsed. With open arms I'm sure. Don't be afraid, do this for your self, you know it's the best thing to do!

Keep coming back here anyway! I'm sending you much courage and strength!!!

MootPoint

Here..
Even if they are clapping, go in that door! You have heard everyone tell you that they won't look down on you, and they won'!. Congrats for confessing to your doctor!

Nors...
"Not working just makes me concentrate more on all the negative emotions I feel all the time, and Im getting more and more anxietic from being isolated from things to long, plus the feeling of not being worthy of anything"
--------------I know exactly what you feel like, I'm on disability and feel like the lowest lifeform imageable. It is driving me so close to drinking, but i know that'll only make it worse. I'll only feel that much lower. ANd then, the problems come back. So stay with me, nors, we won't drink together.

Nors

MootPoint, I'm with you, still fighting the urges, haven't had any since the last time I posted here. It was hard that day.
Drinking again would for sure just make life a lot harder! Im glad that knowing how bad it gets after the fact seems to be finally out-weighing the drunken feeling I got from it, not all the time, but most of the time. I didn't even care before.
I'm just glad that I can change, I didn't think I'd ever feel this way.
I wonder sometimes if I would of changed on my own, without my husband being the one to convince me that I really had a problem. I mean he quit drinking just to not give me the infuence to drink, and I must of turned him off to being around drunks also. I use to always try to talk him into letting me drink again, I'd say," I won't go overboard". Then I'd tell him about how boring it is to not be able to drink, cuz everyone does it for entertainment. And everytime we go to a get together or outing, everyone looks forward to getting buzzed right away, and then they all start getting loud, singing karaoke, laughing and getting funny. I'd be still in my little shell wishing I had enough nerve to just loosen up and have fun with them, maybe even getting loud and joining in. The funny thing about that is, I can be that way without drinking around my husband, but not anyone else.
Are you able to get out and do anything active with your disability?

MootPoint

No, I'm not able to get out with my disability. Firstly, I'm too broke to do anything, second, I'm a hermit.

On the few times i do get out, it's like you describe........ sitting in a shell, watching the fun go by. Sigh. But i'm young in my sobriety.

It is good that your husband is supportive of your sobriety, though it might not feel like it now.

Nors

Im so sorry to hear that.
I feel ashamed that Im not disabled but instead I keep myself disabled.
If you ever want to talk about anything at all Im here for you! Keep yourself strong, it will only get worse, don't forget, if you pick up the drink.:devil1:
I hope you take care of yourself, and keep up some kind of exercise, anything that you can do to help you stay strong. Not to be motherly. But, you sound like a good person that cares for people. And I care for people that I can sense a good heart from.
Anyway, it's getting close to the day I see my therapist again, and I think I will have to tell him Again, that, "No, I didn't go to an AA meeting this past 2 weeks". He's going to wonder why Im there. Maybe I should see him anymore, cuz really, Im just paying for stuff I already know, it's just a matter of doing it. I know he's like my coach, pushing the best he can, on different matters. Learning what I need to do for this anxiety, depression, co-dependency, and alcoholism, sexual abuse. But, Im not doing what he's telling me to do! Im pretty comfortable in my house, and taking antidepressants now. But I really am unhappy, feeling like Im just doing time, very lonely, unsatisfied. I hope God doesn't get tired of me, and has a disaster wake my ass up. I keep thinking that's what's going to happen to me, cuz Im not working hard on changing all these negative things, you know. I have to at least try! Maybe my husband should dump me I hope not
Just had to vent a little. Got to get back to my compulsive cleaning. Take care!

MootPoint

Good luck with the therapist. If you have the money, I'd suggest continuing.

Aside from not drinking, I'm doing pretty bad. THat's the plain and simple of it. But I'm not drinking.

It's hard to be purposeless, or at least to feel purposeless. You, too, seem to be a good hearted person, and I don't wish this pain on you. If you need to talk, you know where I'm at.

Jon

You have all earned your seats.


Now go claim them...

Chy

Mooty, Mooty, Mooty,

*about to get another jumble out*

Maybe your purpose is to just be here and help others with the same problems you have, I have, we all have!

*knocks off that demon yet again* .. damn he's ruthless!

MootPoint

The demon is not sitting there today. But thanks for whacking him for me.

I'll feel better re the depression once the daughter is gone...... 2 more weeks.

Don S

Hi, here (and Nors),
I can't imagine that anyone would look down on you as you walk in that door. I imagine they've all been where you are at one time or another. It's a pretty rare drinker who quits successfully the first time he or she tries.

You and Nors (and Moot?) describe yourselves in terms of very little sense of self-worth, almost to the point of believing that you "don't deserve sobriety." Depression, panic, and anxiety were all side effects of my drinking, at least in part. I don't know whether they "cause" drinking, or the other way around, but I DO know that they mostly went away after I quit.

Your urges are not a sign of weak character! You are not your behavior. A lapse is nothing to be ashamed of. It IS an opportunity to look closely at what you think drinking provides you. You're describing difficulty coping with stress, pressure at work, and exhaustion. My own feeling that I was "living a secret life" was a big source of my anxiety.

Do you believe that drinking relieves stress, pressure, exhaustion, and anxiety? Can you think of another way to achieve relief from those stress factors in your life?

Think about the specific times you want to drink. Is it a daily thing? A certain place, or time? Can you change your daily routine, plan for those urges, and practice disputing them? Fill that time with other activities--going to meetings, go to the gym, read and post here, take the dog for a long walk?

Making a firm commitment to sobriety, planning for urges, and making changes in your lifestyle make you more likely to be successful. There are lots of folks who will support you and are willing to talk about it, and they are right here. We've all been where you are.

Remember, when you post here there are lots of other newcomers and lurkers who benefit. So keep in touch, and thanks for posting.
Don S

claudia5

thank you, don. i really benefited from what you had to say!

bartender129

hig,
When I first set out to stop drinking, I was very frightened. I felt like I was looking up a mountain that I could never possibly climb. Then someone asked me, “What is your plan for the future use of alcohol?” I was taken a back. Plan? It is interesting that when people like me set out to eliminate a chemical dependency, we don’t have a plan. I can honestly tell you that while you can surely become chemically dependant on a substance without planning it, regaining your life from that dependency cannot be done without a plan. There are many different approaches, and there is no reason you can’t try all of them until you find what gives you the success you desire. This is one time that the ends definitely out weigh the means. If you stop, you have reached your destination. You just need to find the path or plan to get there.

phoenix

Great post.Lots of good points in there.Thanks Don!

phoenix