The Fourth Step....
 

Hi,
I've been sober now for 19 days. Well, as you guys know, I relapsed for about 6 months there. Over that time I was kinda mulling around the first step in my head but I think I've got that one down. My life was unmanagable and I wasn't able to control my drinking. So, then I moved on to step 2. Well, I thought long and hard about this one too...I am too scientific by nature to just hand it all over to God and beleive that He will take everything away. I mean, I do believe in God but I beleive that He wants us to figure things out using each other too. I mean, otherwise, why would people be such social creatures. You physically cannot live alone in isolation and be ok. Anyways, so then I got thinking...well...like they said at the meetings, there is a group of people there who have something that you want. Well, so finally I just decided to split it up between AA and God. AA people are something that I can physically see, feel and touch. It helps me...so I've got #2 down. I know that they have something I cannot get on my own. I tried that for 6 months, I know I cannot do this alone. #3..well, still working on that. I mean, it's like step 1, it required continuous upkeep. I keep thinking that I have control again and that's really a step 1 issue. So, I'm still kinda working on step 3. My question is...when do you start step 4? I know it's one of those vital ones or whatnot but, I guess I don't want to get stuck. There is a girl who has been exactly where I am, no sponsor and up to step 3 for 13 months. I mean, she's sober but...she quit working the steps at step 4 and I don't want that to be me. Do I need a sponsor to do step 4? Just wondering. I have been getting to know lots more people at the meetings. Yesterday at the noon meeting I just randomly walked up to people and introduced myself. It was great, I met lots of people. Well, I skipped out of the Friday open meeting to avoid Jennie but I ended up going to the other meeting going and talking to this guy I had nicknamed "the angry guy" (turns out he's not taht angry!) for like 2 1/2 hours after the meeting! It wasn't like the other time though with Mike because I felt I made a real connection with him. He is shy and quiet like me so I can really relate to him. He has a PhD which I really respect so....I mean, it wasn't a connection like that but, I had a good talk and he gave me some good hints. Problem is, I still seem to end up talking to guys mostly. I try to talk to the women but it's difficult. I mean, the idea of sponsoring just kinda freaks me out and I can't see just picking someone and being like...ok...You! I'm going to talk to you and become good friends for years with you! It's just kinda strange to me. So, that's what I was wondering, I mean....is it necessary to have a sponsor for the 4th step or can I at least attempt it alone. So far I barly know what it is and I'm not getting the wheels in my head spinning or anything. I'm keeping myself in the dark about it so I can't mentally start doing it. I don't think that would be good for me. So anyways, I'm rambling again....:) Thank you for any responses.....

I feel that having a sponsor is essential for a person making a first attempt at the 4th step.She would help you prepare and insure that you have the first three steps as a solid foundation.I'd suggest that you take more time to get comfortable talking to women,and form some sober friendships.In the meantime,you could be keeping a journal to help get things on paper.Often,seeing things in black and white is a way of getting more clarity.

phoenix

Steps
 

If you are having trouble with the steps at this point, you are probably going to have even more problems later. I can be very dangerous to recovery to try to force yourself into the step philosphy. I know it destroyed my first effort and then I almost destroyed my life. I like you believe in a higher power, but I don't believe that he gave me a mind to take care of my problems.

I would strongly suggest you look into a program like SMART Recovery. See the posts by the two Don's below which should get you started. Do not fall for the AA myth that the only way to get and stay sober is their way. It has worked for many people and I admire their program. It, however, doesn't work for all of us.

Clark

Hi Jewl, If you are going to A A I suggest that you get a sponcer and she will help you with the steps. Trying to work the steps on your own isn't how it works. There are other places that you can try like Smart or R R. I go to A A and that what works for me.
Be Cool :cool: BikerBill8

Hi Stacey

Check out the AA part of the boards here, there's quite a lot of step 4 and 5 talk going on there and some really sound people who've worked the step and can give better advice than I can!

All I can suggest is what's already been suggested: try to connect more with the women in your meetings. You don't have to look at them as a potential sponsor, just chat and see who you're comfortable with, then you can broach the subject... that you want a sponsor... never know, someone may be able to point you towards someone suitable. And if you find someone and you end up not feeling she's right, you're not stuck with her forever.... either of you can terminate the relationship at any time. It's important that you can trust the person though and be honest and be able to accept what she says...

I've been sober 4 months and I found my sponsor about 6 weeks ago. She approached me first, to ask for my number and she called one night JUST when i really needed to talk to an AA. After that, I prayed that if she would be the right person, then could I have the courage to keep reaching out to her and eventually asking her to sponsor me. It all worked out very nicely. She's very tough on me though, stuff she says is sometimes very hard to take and accept.... she can come across as mean.... but she's not, I see that (eventually and often after a lot of tears!), she's trying to get through to me, not soft soap me, but really look out for my best interests. And as i want what she has and what some of the other women in my meeting have, I'm prepared to listen, do the suggestions and not go my own sweet way - which, as history proves, usually results in disaster. It's not an easy road we're on but it's worth it.

I worked steps 1-3 in rehab and reviewed them with my sponsor.... now, she says I'm ready for 4 and have set a time to do 5. I'm dealing with lots of bad stuff in my head, that all came up, re-emerged once my anaesthetic really wore off.... it's a sign, she says, that I'm more than ready for 4 and 5.

Oh, and her biggest suggestion... is really not the easiest to follow but I DO see why it's there: avoid men. I'm too fragile to get involved with someone, I don't have the stability in my sobriety to withstand the emotional upheaval that may happen - I had a close brush with a relationship VERY early in recovery but it was me that called a halt - I knew I couldn't give what he wanted or accept what he offered yet, and I needed to concentrate on me and establishing a network of female friends. So, I've been seeking out the women before and after meetings, getting numbers and calling, accepting invitations from them to go for coffee or shopping.... and I'm so glad I did. It's a very new thing for me, as I'm used to feeling lonely, but it's lovely to make new friends who really understand me and DO have time to talk. The not easy bit is that so often men approach me and I don't want to be rude by extracting myself from the conversation prematurely.... I know I need to work out a polite way of doing that.

Anyway... Good luck with finding a sponsor, I think it's key to working the program thoroughly, as it's suggested we do!

:bunny2:
Nic
x

Stacy

I understand how confusing, and intimidating the steps can be if your trying to go it alone,
if your going to try A.A. then you owe it to yourself to REALY give it a solid attempt, by hanging with the sober women, and getting a female sponsor, A.A. does work, but we only get out as much as we put in. some of our suggestions are hard like asking for a sponsor , or getting the phone numbers of the women, but it is all part of learning to live sober.

another poster pedicted that you will have problems with the steps in the future,

for me following the steps one at a time in order, with a sponsor, has proven very effective,
we all run into some snags at times,
and that in no way means that the steps are not working, it means simply that we have hit a snag.

Phoenix had a great suggestion about keeping a journal, my sponsor got me started on that right away, and I didn't understand why at the time, but later it proved to be a big help.

Hi Stacey,

Congrats on the 19 days, you have done well despite the people around you. I think it's imperative to have a sponser. I thought I had done steps 1-3 on my own. Once I found a sponser we had to start over. It's important to discuss honest feelings about these steps and enure an understanding of each. It wasn't like a checklist, I had to study the 12x12 and the material offered for each step, we read each chapter of each step, I had to journal and discuss my feelings for these and then got the thumbs up to progress on each one. I am going to finish step 3 with my sponser tomorrow, yea it took more than one sitting to do it. I have begun rereading the Big Book, studying the 12x12, and the 12 steps for women to prepare for taking step 4. I know this is going to take a few sit downs with my sponser so I can be complete, and thourough with it. I used to feel rushed about getting through the steps but have realized the importance about taking eachone by piecemeal so to speak. It's been better for me and I feel confident that I have actually "worked" for each step.

Good luck, find a sponser!

Early Morning day 20
 

Okok! I'll find a sponser! :) hehe....
That seems to be the overwhelming response. I know I need one, I'm just still getting to know the women and with the whole Jennie thing, It just makes it that much more difficult. I know I don't have the steps perfect yet but I'd like to think I've got a decent handle on 1-3. At least enough to give me hope that I'm actually working the steps this time, that's one big thing that tells me "this time is different." I mean, I guess it may take some time for me to get a sponser but, I guess if I need one...hehe, I"ll have to find one. I see women that I think...I could see them being it but, it always seems like they are already with someone else, or they don't always show up or whatever...ya know? I mean, the two women I see every single meeting, #1 is wayyy too hyper and overactive for me and #2...well, I think she's hitting on me actually!!! So, we'll see how things work out. I'll keep working on it. I didn't make it to a meeting today, but that's ok. Dave and I went on a road trip to detoit and spent the day wandering this huge mall...it was really fun. It was actually really good for me to just get away from the whole Jennie thing and just take a break from Aa. I mean, not take a break but just to get away from all the stress n' stuff ya know? I thought a lot about a meeting though and I will certainly be hitting one tomarrow. Tonight Dave's friends dropped by and happened to say a few words about drinking and I could already feel the jealous "it's not fair" forming in my brain. So....I will be getting right back to it tomarrow. :) But, I'm ok...I'm kinda in a vunerable state, I know that but...I'm sticking here by myself until I hit that meeting tomarrow..so I'll be fine. It's like they said last time...."some people have 20 years, some are just holding on long enough to get to the next meeting." Well, I may not be holding on but....well, in a way I am. So...it's good to know I can get right back to it tomarrow. G'night! Thanks for the imput!

Hi Stacey
 

Before you get a sponsor....look on the free literature rack for

"Questions and Answers On Sponsorship"

Read it..and then ask HP for help.

Good Luck....:shades:

Carol,
I actually grabbed that a couple of days ago..I haven't read it yet though. I'll give it a look! :)

Jewel, getting a sponsor for me was the best thing that happened to me, early in recovery. It was suggested to me, to pick out someone I could identify with, relate to, and feel comfortable with. And then I asked my Higher Power to put someone in my life. And that is what happened.

I tried working this program of recovery my own way, twice before. And my own way brought me back out. But with someone to give me some guidance, someone that God could and would work through, I got what I needed.

Today I have a sponsor that has taken the 12 Steps of recovery. And I am taking the Steps, one at at time, and in order, with my sponsor. And I am glad that I am doing the steps that way, with a sponsor. And it was suggested to me to make sure that I am thorough and completely convinced on a step before I move to another.

I can admit that I am an alcoholic, and I can accept that fact also. I have surrendered to alcohol and I have surrendered to a HP and the program of AA.

My life was unmanageable, and there is no doubt in my mind of that now. And I also accept that. And today, my life is still unmanageable at times.

My Higher Power gives me a reprieve from the obsession of alcohol on a daily basis. I get on my knees and ask Him for help each and every morning. And as long as I don't take that first drink, and ask for help, and go to meetings, I am assured that I won't get back into the insanity of active alcoholism.

And today, I have complete faith and trust in my Higher Power to care for me. So I do turn my life and will over to His care on a daily basis knowing, that as long as I do my best to do the right thing, He will take care of me.

And I am now in the process of taking my 4th Step.

And that's what taking the Steps are, a process. And to practice the Steps on a daily basis, makes it a life long process. Never ending. Being on a spiritual journey that doesn't have a destination. And what a beautiful journey it is.

And if it helps any, I would just like for you to know that I have been clean and sober, ONE DAY AT A TIME, now for 2 years and seven months to this day. With the guidance of a Higher Power and the fellowship of AA and the Program of the 12 Steps of Recovery.

Keep it simple, take it easy, one day at a time, just for today.
Ask for help, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and don't forget to thank my HP for keeping me clean and sober for one more day.
Get telephone numbers and get used to using the telephone so when you need help, the phone won't be too heavy to pick up.

These are some of the suggestions that were given to me early in sobriety that I choose to take and follow.

For this drunk, if I want what these people have, then I have to do what they do, to get it.

Keep coming back and God Bless.

Harry

The Steps are laid out in a particular order for a very important reason.

Each Step and The Spiritual Principle it embodies brings us a little closer to a new sense of realization so that by the time we get to Step Four we have a better understanding and appreciation of what we are about to do.

Jumping from 0 to 4 may only confound.

Get a sponsor.Work The Steps.Go to meetings.Stay focused on recovery.Keep it simple.

There is nothing magical or mysterious about how AA and The Twelve Steps works.It is practical,simple.rational and downright smart.

Peter

I agree, the A.A. program is very rational, and Smart.
;)

Day 21!!
 

Hello,
Well, amazingly, I am still sober. Sometimes it surprized me! I got up early this morning so I can make it to the noon meeting. I've been kinda...well, I don't know. Just kinda off yesterday. I haven't been to a meeting since Friday and I know I need one. Yesterday Dave's friends came over and they were talking about how trashed they got the night before and I just had to get up and leave the room. They kept bringing up alcohol too. It's kinda odd because other people when they talk about it it doesn't really bother me. But it's like going sober here, I've been getting back to my "roots" persay with my activities and they have jilted back to the "nerdy" side of me that I used to have in jr. high. Well, Dave's friends are supposed to be nerdy. They are supposed to be what I'm trying to become. I mean, they come over and talk about starting up a game of Dungeons n' Dragons...how much nerdier can you get? :) Not that I mind...I mean, I think it sounds like fun. I used to play D n' D with my brother when I was like 7-8 but my mom took it away because she heard that it would possess us and the devil would take over our body. My homelife was abit crazy. So, I guess when they left I was just in that mood where I was like...not that I wanted to drink but just getting down about not being able to. Just like, why do I have to be an alcoholic? Why can't I just drink a few like everyone else? It was just kinda bothering me. I mean, I'm allergic to cholcolate ya know? Don't take everything away from me! So....no chocolate, no alcohol. Sigh...life certainly doesn't make it easy. Yeah, so I was just kinda in a funk. I didn't want to go to meetings even though I know i need to, I was just like...why can't I just sit here and like...watch a movie at 8pm instead? I don't know....I was just kinda in a funk...I still am I guess. I'll be at that meeting in an hour, not because I want to but because I know I need to. I could tell I was going downhill and had sort of a paniced feeling inside me. I'm not in a good place right now and I need to get out of it. Thanks....