tiburon88

I think that I truely hate myself. I mean why else would I continue to return to the horrors of addiction? I don't feel as if I deserve to be sober and maybe this is God's way of punishing me. They say you have to get sober for yourself but what happens when you don't care anymore? I wish I could stay drunk/high 24 hours a day every day, however, I don't have the money or stamina anymore. I go on these terrible 2-3 day binges until my body just can't take anymore. I feel like I'm in hell. I do realize that I need extensive help or I'm going to die.

tib

Sugah

tib, what do you think when you pick up the first drink? What do you think you're going to find there? I understand self-hatred and not caring what happens, but what's it all about?

You say "I don't feel as if I deserve to be sober and maybe this is God's way of punishing me."

tib, that's how I felt. Know what I came to realize? I was comfortable being a victim. My suffering could be someone or something else's fault. And by "not deserving," I was doubly absolved because I didn't have to try, turn down the first drink, sit on my hands, pick up the phone--because I didn't deserve the help that might come my way.

I don't know how to help you believe that you are worth the help, that God isn't punishing you (because it's you lifting the drink to your lips, not God), except to say that you are worth it and you can stop punishing you. You get to that point, really and truly in your heart, and others can help you.

I'm praying for you. Right now.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dean62

Because you are powerless.

Latte

I had to learn to like myself (then love myself) before I could enjoy my sobriety.

My prayers are with you.

Ago

Tib, would you hate yourself if you got cancer? or any other incurable disease?

You have an illness my friend, one that's trying to kill you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I never had a drinking problem, I had an "interval problem"

When I was drunk, I was fine.

when the drink stopped working then I had real problems.

The answer is one phone call away little brother

CarolD

I too detested the woman drinking had made me into.
My alcoholism had turned into depression

/within a few weeks of AA abstinance....I felt
my depression lift. Later on,,,it vanished.

Prayers coming your way

doorknob

Tib, you can do this thang!!!!

tommyk

The disease will find many ways to make us imperfect humans hate ourselves.

But when you recognize it is just the disease talking things start getting better.

coffeenut

It's the hardest damn thing you'll ever love doing. I know that sounds trite, and I don't mean it to be.

Getting sober is hard work. It's just so hard to see while you are trying to get there.

Get Help. You ARE worth it.

applesncream

I hope you find the most important thing in life and that's you and your higher power!! Ask and you shall recieve, knock and the door willl be opened ,but it only opens as wide as your faith is . So have more faith in yourself!! I have faith in anyone who truly hates being sick with this disease and wants to be clean. You can..... with help. The gate is narrow and the path is wide.

BackToSquareOne

Tiburon, I've been through what you describe many times in my life. There's a kind of insanity to it all, to know full well the living hell of the alcohol withdrawal that we are setting ourselves up for just to experience that fleeting period of drunken bliss. While going throug the horrors of some very bad withdrawals I would often ask myself why any rational person would put themselves through this. I never really found the answer as to why we do it but in a sense that's part of the insanity of it all, doing the same thing over and over again, knowing what the end result will be but doing it anyhow.

From your description it sounds like a period of inpatient treatment might be a good idea to try and sort things out. If you are also suffering from other mental health issues such as anxiety or depression then you will also need to treat those things. A lot of people try to self medicate anxiety or depression with alcohol which in the end only makes everything much worse. Good luck with with which ever path you choose. Just remember that there is a lot of help out there if you choose to seek it out.

Dee74

I've never met a hopeless case Tib - I seen a few who convinced themselves they were tho.

I used to hate myself too - used to think it was hopeless - I was literally waiting to die...one close shave too many and I realised I really didn't want to die after all....

You keep coming back Tib - I think maybe you're not ready to die either?

Like DK said - you can do this - you need to stop the cycle...first thing to do is to get help and stop drinking...everything else happens after that.

I'm with you
D

LosingmyMisery

Alcohol kills the spirit. I hated myself, also. I slowly learned to like myself, but first I had to put the pieces back together and learn who I really was in the first place.

You need help Tib. You need help detoxing, then you need help staying off the booze. Time to heal...

Anna

Tiburon,

I really think you will find that it is this disease of addiction that is making you hate yourself. I, too think you can recover and find peace within yourself.

Is it possible that you were depressed before you started drinking? That was the case for me, and I had to get medical treatment for my depression, in order to break the cycle.

Pinkcuda

I lost count of how many times you have been given the answer.
If you're waiting for someone to tell you that all you have to do is click your heels together three times and repeat after me, your going to be drinking a lot longer.

Pam08

Your here posting that is the first step. We are powerless over alcohol, we have no control, our mindds tell us different, our bodies are telling us to stop. I believe when you posted here means that in your heart you wan to stop. Keep posting your thoughts..we are all here for you. I am new here but between posting and reading here and finding AA. My life is slowly turning around. God bless .

Dee74

well I dunno about you Cuda but I was given 'the answer' lots of times too...it didn't mean squat to me...

Hindsights great, and all the good intent in the world is fine, but from my experience I simply wasn't ready for a lot of years, and no advice, no matter how brilliant, could move me...it's part of the disease I think.

I dunno whether you're 'there' yet Tib -only you know that, but I'll hope at worst, you're getting closer...

D

Pinkcuda

I sure as hell aren't going to give a wrong answer or an answer that somebody would rather hear.
The truth is the truth. Sometimes ugly, but still the truth.

Dee74

All I can do is share my experience...what the answer was for me...and try and not be offended or annoyed when my undoubted brilliance falls on deaf ears

I'll still share, cos sometimes I'm told I helped.

D

Rob B

I used to be a teacher, the last two years of my drinking before the real nighmare began, I would drink after school got out until I blacked or passed out, I would wake up in my urine soaked bed, shower, put on my coat and tie and go to work, teaching emotionally handicapped kids how to make better choiced, yeah, I know about hating myself and wishing I was dead, That place you are in is a world of pain that I would never wish on anyone. The irony is that this is the place that my need for God came from, I knew in and of myself I was going to die.

The reason I post this is to tell you there is hope, there is a reason you are not dead yet, I believe God has unfinsihed plans for you, same as he does for me. I have not soiled my bed in over 4 years, I can look in the mirror and not cringe in disgust, I have been recreated, transformed, changed. This happend to me, and it can for you. I will continue to hold you in prayer and hope you will take action which will more than likely go against your nature. That is what I did, and the result has been a life worth living.