I Hate Myself......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southwest PA USA
Posts: 339
Tib-
Sorry so late getting here. I have a question. Do you hate yourself, or do you hate things that you've done? There is a difference, my friend. I hate many things that I've done, but I do not hate myself any longer. I did, at one point, truly despise myself. I'm still working on getting myself sober (just a few days now after a few weeks), but I'm learning to like myself again. I'm coming to grips with who I am, I'm an alcoholic. Last month or so I would have said anything to convince myself and others that I was just a heavy drinker, not "one of those people."
There is help for you. Without searching your posts or anything, have you tried therapy, inpatient/outpatient help, AA, detox? I really don't know your history, but please, my friend, do not give up hope. Hope is only gone when you let go of it.
The only reason I'm even on the internet right now is that I'm google-mapping some meetings that I can go to tomorrow, just a few weeks after saying some really nasty things about it.
With the help of some people on this forum, I've decided to set aside a lot of prejudices I developed about the program. I'm also reading some of my spiritual texts, and some of my alcoholism books. And they've helped me reach the decision that I cannot continue to drink.
My blessings to you, my friend.
BHJ
Sorry so late getting here. I have a question. Do you hate yourself, or do you hate things that you've done? There is a difference, my friend. I hate many things that I've done, but I do not hate myself any longer. I did, at one point, truly despise myself. I'm still working on getting myself sober (just a few days now after a few weeks), but I'm learning to like myself again. I'm coming to grips with who I am, I'm an alcoholic. Last month or so I would have said anything to convince myself and others that I was just a heavy drinker, not "one of those people."
There is help for you. Without searching your posts or anything, have you tried therapy, inpatient/outpatient help, AA, detox? I really don't know your history, but please, my friend, do not give up hope. Hope is only gone when you let go of it.
The only reason I'm even on the internet right now is that I'm google-mapping some meetings that I can go to tomorrow, just a few weeks after saying some really nasty things about it.
With the help of some people on this forum, I've decided to set aside a lot of prejudices I developed about the program. I'm also reading some of my spiritual texts, and some of my alcoholism books. And they've helped me reach the decision that I cannot continue to drink.
My blessings to you, my friend.
BHJ
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
My solution does not have to be anyone elses.
Anyone elses does not have to be mine.
I offer mine with the hope it will help someone.
Please chill with the personal jibes.
Thank You
My solution does not have to be anyone elses.
Anyone elses does not have to be mine.
I offer mine with the hope it will help someone.
Please chill with the personal jibes.
Thank You
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 12
Tiburon
Thanks for your honesty. I think it really is very possible to internalize all the **** in the world and turn it towards yourself. I know what it feels like to hate myself, and I realize that this hatred and lack of love for myself has caused so many problems for me. Can I ask you one question? If you don't want to get sober, what compelled you to post here? Maybe there is a teeny teeny tiny part of yourself that does want to get sober.
And if not, that's okay too. Where ever you are at right now is okay. But I suspect that you are reaching out, even in the smallest way.
Self-hatred is a slippery beast, and I'm glad you can admit you feel that way, but if you're willing to work on that self hatred, I promise you'll start to feel better.
What is the longest you've ever been sober for?
And if not, that's okay too. Where ever you are at right now is okay. But I suspect that you are reaching out, even in the smallest way.
Self-hatred is a slippery beast, and I'm glad you can admit you feel that way, but if you're willing to work on that self hatred, I promise you'll start to feel better.
What is the longest you've ever been sober for?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Hi Tib,
I can sure relate to living in hell. Addiction sucks, until it sucks the life out of us. There it is.
I don't want you to die, or live in torment.
It's your move. I'm rooting for you.
Hugs to you,
Donna
I can sure relate to living in hell. Addiction sucks, until it sucks the life out of us. There it is.
I don't want you to die, or live in torment.
It's your move. I'm rooting for you.
Hugs to you,
Donna
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Midwest, U.S.A.
Posts: 11
Well, I think we all hate ourselves. I know I do. We all need to find that which is worth living for.
I wish I could be drunk 24/7, too, but doing so would inflict consequence that I am not willing to accept. An addict who enjoys abusing is not that surprising.
A good 30-day program might be helpful if you can afford it, but ultimately, you will decide whether you wish to live or die.
Good luck...
I wish I could be drunk 24/7, too, but doing so would inflict consequence that I am not willing to accept. An addict who enjoys abusing is not that surprising.
A good 30-day program might be helpful if you can afford it, but ultimately, you will decide whether you wish to live or die.
Good luck...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Tib, it sounds like a bottom to me. Please remember we can get off the elevator down at any point we wish, we do NOT have to ride it to the bitter end which includes jails, institutions or death.
I've watched you struggle with this for a very long time. I believe you do want help and you do want to live or you wouldn't be posting and I know for a FACT that we want you to live or we wouldn't be responding.
I know you don't like AA and the whole HP thing but the fellowship and f2f support that goes along with it IMHO is priceless. I love SR but I NEED a group of faces I can get to know, have coffee with who can take a look at me and see something isn't quite right and haul me outside to find out what it is.
Do you have insurance? Is a detox facility a possibility for you? A half-way house followed by a 3/4 house? I'm sorry I don't know more about your circumstances but if you are in a sober living environment and can get engaged with sober living housemates that might go a long ways towards getting your cornerstone firmly planted.
As far as Pink, I get where that's coming from but I also know you don't hear the message until you're ready to hear the message. I had people trying to tough love me for a while before I was sufficiently sick and tired of being sick and tired so none of it stuck. Once I reach my own personal bottom my ears magically unplugged and suddenly I could hear.
I have spent my time trying to reach out to people in f2f mtgs and on here who didn't get it over and over again and it does get frustrating. You wish you could just open their heads up and pour it in but it doesn't work that way. All you can do is pray that a tiny seed is planted that someday when they are sufficiently miserable they will remember that there is a way out and they will reach out again.
Tib, there is a way out. You CAN do this thing. It is simple but it isn't easy, in fact it is the hardest thing you will ever do but it will also yield the best results of anything else you ever do. Are you ready? Is it time? Will you accept help? Only you know the answer to that. Just know help is here when you get ready. Also know that this damn disease kills daily and it is the only disease that will tell you that you don't have a disease.
Big hugs,
Kellye
I've watched you struggle with this for a very long time. I believe you do want help and you do want to live or you wouldn't be posting and I know for a FACT that we want you to live or we wouldn't be responding.
I know you don't like AA and the whole HP thing but the fellowship and f2f support that goes along with it IMHO is priceless. I love SR but I NEED a group of faces I can get to know, have coffee with who can take a look at me and see something isn't quite right and haul me outside to find out what it is.
Do you have insurance? Is a detox facility a possibility for you? A half-way house followed by a 3/4 house? I'm sorry I don't know more about your circumstances but if you are in a sober living environment and can get engaged with sober living housemates that might go a long ways towards getting your cornerstone firmly planted.
As far as Pink, I get where that's coming from but I also know you don't hear the message until you're ready to hear the message. I had people trying to tough love me for a while before I was sufficiently sick and tired of being sick and tired so none of it stuck. Once I reach my own personal bottom my ears magically unplugged and suddenly I could hear.
I have spent my time trying to reach out to people in f2f mtgs and on here who didn't get it over and over again and it does get frustrating. You wish you could just open their heads up and pour it in but it doesn't work that way. All you can do is pray that a tiny seed is planted that someday when they are sufficiently miserable they will remember that there is a way out and they will reach out again.
Tib, there is a way out. You CAN do this thing. It is simple but it isn't easy, in fact it is the hardest thing you will ever do but it will also yield the best results of anything else you ever do. Are you ready? Is it time? Will you accept help? Only you know the answer to that. Just know help is here when you get ready. Also know that this damn disease kills daily and it is the only disease that will tell you that you don't have a disease.
Big hugs,
Kellye
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
The real turning point is when you want to quit more than you want to drink. Until then you can have endless "Bottoms" and even though you know your an alcoholic and know what must be done it all means nothing if your not ready and willing to make the decision. When is enough, enough? You can continue to ride the merry-go-round of alcohol induced pain, misery and suffering or you can get off. You buy the ticket you take the ride, the decision is yours.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I understand self hatred and am still working on liking myself. It's easier not to hate myself if I don't do things that bring about regret and self loathing. Not drinking is helping me a lot. If there's anything I can do to help you stop drinking and stop hating yourself, please just ask me. I'd be glad to help any way I can.
I hope you can stop drinking before something really bad happens to you that you can't 'undo'.
:ghug3
I hope you can stop drinking before something really bad happens to you that you can't 'undo'.
:ghug3
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Tib every time I read your post I go back over 2 years ago, self hatred with a huge dose of self pity, that was me!!! I spent 5 years that way, every morning I would wake up still half lit from the night before, looking at an old broke down man with blood shot eyes, and puffy face in the mirror every morning telling myself what a F***ing loser I was, how weak I was, how really useless I was. Some how I managed to get to work and stave off the shakes until I could start that damned cycle all over again!!!!!
I finally surrendered, I just gave up the fight!!!! I could fight no more, I was finally convinced to my very core that what I was doing was a total and complete failure and I had to find someone who first of all could just get me sober...... it had been 5 years since I had been sober because I had no choice but to drink!
I was willing to do ANYTHING!!!!! Just to draw a sober breath!!!! I saw a doctor, was totally honest with him, and when he said I needed to be medically detoxed, I went!
Well there I was 5 days later...... not drunk...... but going crazy for a drink yet still not wanting to drink!!! I hated myself because I wanted to drink even though I was not drunk for the first time in 5 years.
Well I was still beaten, I was still able to admit I had no answers to how to stay sober...... but I was still willing to do what ever it took to stay sober.
Tib I have walked in your shoes for a lot of years, I know that self hatred and the self pity, I have found a solution that worked for me, it was not easy for quite a while, but once I got it, it changed my life!!!
I live life today, I no longer merely exist to be miserable or drunk any more!
Tib I pray that you are there. In you I see myself.
I finally surrendered, I just gave up the fight!!!! I could fight no more, I was finally convinced to my very core that what I was doing was a total and complete failure and I had to find someone who first of all could just get me sober...... it had been 5 years since I had been sober because I had no choice but to drink!
I was willing to do ANYTHING!!!!! Just to draw a sober breath!!!! I saw a doctor, was totally honest with him, and when he said I needed to be medically detoxed, I went!
Well there I was 5 days later...... not drunk...... but going crazy for a drink yet still not wanting to drink!!! I hated myself because I wanted to drink even though I was not drunk for the first time in 5 years.
Well I was still beaten, I was still able to admit I had no answers to how to stay sober...... but I was still willing to do what ever it took to stay sober.
Tib I have walked in your shoes for a lot of years, I know that self hatred and the self pity, I have found a solution that worked for me, it was not easy for quite a while, but once I got it, it changed my life!!!
I live life today, I no longer merely exist to be miserable or drunk any more!
Tib I pray that you are there. In you I see myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Tib,
My sponsor talks of love and fear, these being the only two real emotional states:
Throughout my life I've had hundreds of people love me, show love towards me in spite of my many shortcomings, none of these people, however loving, could cure me of alcohol. They always, in their love for me, enabled me in some degree or another to continue in my misery.
I was my greatest enabler. I love myself, too much, so much in fact that rather than face my disease and the pain of recovery, I will continue to give myself the easy way out. At times it seems like hate, like I hate myself, but really it's just fear, self-centered fear, that keeps me searching for a solution that quit working years ago, oh but for the ease and comfort of that first drink.
I relate these feelings to my love for my children. I don't want my children to suffer any pain so I will tend to rush to their defense or help them with a problem. I don't hate my children, quite the opposite, but my actions sometimes will not be in their best interests. People need to learn by their mistakes and I actually hurt my kids by loving them too much.
My sponsor keeps me aware of my fear. Any negative emotion I have; anger, frustration, anxiety, boredom, jealousy, hate and the endless list of others are nothing but fear. What am I afraid of?
To answer that question I must remain sober and examine my life through the 12 steps of AA.
Peace to you Tib..
My sponsor talks of love and fear, these being the only two real emotional states:
Throughout my life I've had hundreds of people love me, show love towards me in spite of my many shortcomings, none of these people, however loving, could cure me of alcohol. They always, in their love for me, enabled me in some degree or another to continue in my misery.
I was my greatest enabler. I love myself, too much, so much in fact that rather than face my disease and the pain of recovery, I will continue to give myself the easy way out. At times it seems like hate, like I hate myself, but really it's just fear, self-centered fear, that keeps me searching for a solution that quit working years ago, oh but for the ease and comfort of that first drink.
I relate these feelings to my love for my children. I don't want my children to suffer any pain so I will tend to rush to their defense or help them with a problem. I don't hate my children, quite the opposite, but my actions sometimes will not be in their best interests. People need to learn by their mistakes and I actually hurt my kids by loving them too much.
My sponsor keeps me aware of my fear. Any negative emotion I have; anger, frustration, anxiety, boredom, jealousy, hate and the endless list of others are nothing but fear. What am I afraid of?
To answer that question I must remain sober and examine my life through the 12 steps of AA.
Peace to you Tib..
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
Thanks everyone. I have a "couple" of days sober. The first day was horrible with the shakes, sweating, ect.... I know I need an inpatient rehab at this point but without insurance it doesn't seem possible. I can't go back to the Salvation Army here (long story) so that is not possible. I have this pain on my right side that seems to be a result of the drinking. If it wasn't for this physical pain I think I would still be hitting the bottle.
tib
tib
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Tib, if you were to call the crisis intervention line in you phone book and tell them that you were drinking yourself to death, going through withdrawal and in dire need of help they would be required by law to respond. You might end up in a psych ward but would that really be so bad at this point?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Glitzville
Posts: 334
Hey Tib,
I'm so glad to hear from you, too. I'm sorry that you're suffering. I know that I had pain on the right side for a week or so; it even woke me up at times. Ached like hell. Pretty sure it was my liver screaming at me.
If you get any worse can you get to an ER? Or call someone?
Our bodies can only take so much, bud.
Please don't drink. Stay with us here.
Hugging you.
Donna
I'm so glad to hear from you, too. I'm sorry that you're suffering. I know that I had pain on the right side for a week or so; it even woke me up at times. Ached like hell. Pretty sure it was my liver screaming at me.
If you get any worse can you get to an ER? Or call someone?
Our bodies can only take so much, bud.
Please don't drink. Stay with us here.
Hugging you.
Donna
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Tib glad to hear you are sober right now...... that pain on your right side may be your liver, but I am not a doctor, please see one.
Now is not the time to throw in the towel my friend, my liver was diagnosed as a "Fatty Liver"... precursor to "Cirrosis". My liver was sore and swollen, but within a week of quitting the pain was gone and so was the tenderness, my liver enzymes were back to normal in about 3 months and the swelling was gone in 6 months.
The saving grace for us alcoholics is that the liver can heal itself entirely as long as we quit drinking before we get cirrosis, and even if we do get it, if it is not to bad we can live a healthy long life. We have one old timer in my area with cirrosis that has been sober and pretty healthy for over 25 years.
Now is not the time to throw in the towel my friend, my liver was diagnosed as a "Fatty Liver"... precursor to "Cirrosis". My liver was sore and swollen, but within a week of quitting the pain was gone and so was the tenderness, my liver enzymes were back to normal in about 3 months and the swelling was gone in 6 months.
The saving grace for us alcoholics is that the liver can heal itself entirely as long as we quit drinking before we get cirrosis, and even if we do get it, if it is not to bad we can live a healthy long life. We have one old timer in my area with cirrosis that has been sober and pretty healthy for over 25 years.
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