Day 10 and need advise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Day 10 and need advise
I decided 10 days ago that for my health and well being that I have to stop this insanity. I am trying very hard to get off the pity pot and do what needs to be done and forget feeling sorry for me. It is not easy to do I will tell you that.
Life can be so difficult at times to deal with, but I guess that is life and we are the only ones who can change it for ourselves.
I have a question, sobriety is the most important thing i know. what do we do about the stuff in our life we have no control of, people who keep hurting us, whether on purpose or not. What do I do when I know in my mind and heart that I need to get away from this person, but I dont seem to be able to at this point, mentally and physically. I have dreams of living by myself with my dogs happily, sober...but I dont' seem to be able to get off my butt and make things happen. Depression, anxiety, insecurity...how do we move from this and live. Leaving financial security when I do not even have employment right now. I have no place to live with my dogs other then here. Should I just do it, or do I concentrate on my sobriety and get stronger, will I get stronger ,or will I stay in this horrible rut. Every day I live with a husband who is distant and uncaring towards me. I have to deal with his ex wife who somehow found out bout my alcoholism and is tormenting me about it on the computer. I have so many issues of distrust and hurt from my husband, his daughter and his ex that I can never seem to get over. I would like advise on what I should do..take the leap and just go, and pray for th best that i stay above water or do I sit and plan,all the while hurting inside more and more...and how do i motivate my head and heart to get out of the mental rut I am in. I hope I am making some sense in what I am saying
Thanks for any remarks or thoughts on this.
Life can be so difficult at times to deal with, but I guess that is life and we are the only ones who can change it for ourselves.
I have a question, sobriety is the most important thing i know. what do we do about the stuff in our life we have no control of, people who keep hurting us, whether on purpose or not. What do I do when I know in my mind and heart that I need to get away from this person, but I dont seem to be able to at this point, mentally and physically. I have dreams of living by myself with my dogs happily, sober...but I dont' seem to be able to get off my butt and make things happen. Depression, anxiety, insecurity...how do we move from this and live. Leaving financial security when I do not even have employment right now. I have no place to live with my dogs other then here. Should I just do it, or do I concentrate on my sobriety and get stronger, will I get stronger ,or will I stay in this horrible rut. Every day I live with a husband who is distant and uncaring towards me. I have to deal with his ex wife who somehow found out bout my alcoholism and is tormenting me about it on the computer. I have so many issues of distrust and hurt from my husband, his daughter and his ex that I can never seem to get over. I would like advise on what I should do..take the leap and just go, and pray for th best that i stay above water or do I sit and plan,all the while hurting inside more and more...and how do i motivate my head and heart to get out of the mental rut I am in. I hope I am making some sense in what I am saying
Thanks for any remarks or thoughts on this.
Last edited by Pam08; 11-13-2008 at 08:05 AM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 27
i would love to tell you what to do but i can't. i am / was in a similar situation but on the other side of the fense....i was the one in a similar relationship BUT i had the house, job and financial security to say enough is enough. maybe you and your husband need some space to sort things out. do you have a friend or relative that you could live with for a while to see if that is what is best??? and work from there. i always have the thought in my mind that there was a reason that 2 people got together to the point of marriage. maybe some space apart to re-evaluate the situation, from both sides, is what you need.
this is where i am at right now and it has opened me up to alot of things.
this is where i am at right now and it has opened me up to alot of things.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Welcome to SR Pam. Congrats on another day of courage to not return to the pain of active Alcoholism. Have you started a support recovery program besides the not drinking? I would suggest seeing an MD and or a Counselor while also seeking a Women's AA meeting. You can call the AA Central Office and they will give you meeting locations and times. Also ask to speak to a recovered woman who can locally provide you support.
Early recover is not easy but rewarding. I would think that your body, mind and spirit will need time and care to heal, mine did. Nothing happens overnight as much as I would like it to but if you continue to preserve, you will be astounded at the results. Few of us get into a position of pain in an instant; it took months and years to accumulate the many slights, failures, resentments and of course the advancement of the disease to get where we are today. Try to be easy on yourself and others as you tread this new path. Remember that no matter what others do, you now have a responsibility to change your life. If you are diligent, you will grow. If I can help, please let me know.
Early recover is not easy but rewarding. I would think that your body, mind and spirit will need time and care to heal, mine did. Nothing happens overnight as much as I would like it to but if you continue to preserve, you will be astounded at the results. Few of us get into a position of pain in an instant; it took months and years to accumulate the many slights, failures, resentments and of course the advancement of the disease to get where we are today. Try to be easy on yourself and others as you tread this new path. Remember that no matter what others do, you now have a responsibility to change your life. If you are diligent, you will grow. If I can help, please let me know.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Pam, I wish I had some advice... I'm stuggling with some of the very same issues. I have started meds and am seeing a counselor, have gone to a few AA meetings, but for the most part, I feel horrible. I can't function well enough to hold a job, and could barely fill out the forms for general assistance benefits. My girlfriend doesn't understand, and keeps telling me I'm just lazy. All I can seem to accomplish right now is to not pick up...
Paul
Paul
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I found for me, once I really dug into my recovery via AA and got myself healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually, I could start addressing so many of those issues that had plagued me over the years.
It was extremely difficult to make any good or sane choices for me until I had some recovery under my belt.
Make any sense?
:ghug :ghug
It was extremely difficult to make any good or sane choices for me until I had some recovery under my belt.
Make any sense?
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome to SR
Good job and Good luck on your new found sobriety
This is my experience and what I share with my sponsees, Both I and they came into the program with all these "problems" money problems, relationship problems, family of Origin issues, we could add to the list ad infinitum as it were.
OK, what I was told and it turned out to be true was "don't worry about any of it, go to meetings, take care of yourself, get a sponsor, work the steps" and all that will take care of itself.
I was told if I "fixed my insides" my "outsides" would take care of themselves. I didn't spend a minute on my "outsides" or my "stuff" I just did the steps, went to meetings, and it all cleared up, everything.
This didn't mean I didn't have to put a ton of hard work into it, I was just given a format, or a "formula" as it were to put my life in order, not drink one day at a time, and be a happy productive, useful member of society, the "bonuses" were I ended up making good money, I had happy relationships, and I didn't drink.
I had this happen in my own life and have seen it happen for hundreds, if not thousands of alcoholics first hand over the years.
My sponsees would say, "but I got problems, I got real problems"
The harder "I" tried to "fix my problems" the worse they got.
Once I "turned them over" and asked for help, I got everything I ever dreamed of and more.
Obviously this is an AA response, but it's my experience, I hope it wasn't inappropriate.
Whatever road you choose to follow I wish you joy, luck, support and Godspeed.
Good job and Good luck on your new found sobriety
This is my experience and what I share with my sponsees, Both I and they came into the program with all these "problems" money problems, relationship problems, family of Origin issues, we could add to the list ad infinitum as it were.
OK, what I was told and it turned out to be true was "don't worry about any of it, go to meetings, take care of yourself, get a sponsor, work the steps" and all that will take care of itself.
I was told if I "fixed my insides" my "outsides" would take care of themselves. I didn't spend a minute on my "outsides" or my "stuff" I just did the steps, went to meetings, and it all cleared up, everything.
This didn't mean I didn't have to put a ton of hard work into it, I was just given a format, or a "formula" as it were to put my life in order, not drink one day at a time, and be a happy productive, useful member of society, the "bonuses" were I ended up making good money, I had happy relationships, and I didn't drink.
I had this happen in my own life and have seen it happen for hundreds, if not thousands of alcoholics first hand over the years.
My sponsees would say, "but I got problems, I got real problems"
The harder "I" tried to "fix my problems" the worse they got.
Once I "turned them over" and asked for help, I got everything I ever dreamed of and more.
Obviously this is an AA response, but it's my experience, I hope it wasn't inappropriate.
Whatever road you choose to follow I wish you joy, luck, support and Godspeed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: peterborough Cambs U.K
Posts: 172
cant you block your husbands ex from emailing you?
i wish i had some advice regarding your relationship but i can only say concentrate on your sobriety first, i'm kind of in the same situstion myself, ive been married 25 years and i just dont love him anymore but i dont have the emotional strength to leave, but im sorting out my alcoholism first that the most important thing , i had to stop drinking before i killed myself but its so hard sometimes not to pick up
i wish i had some advice regarding your relationship but i can only say concentrate on your sobriety first, i'm kind of in the same situstion myself, ive been married 25 years and i just dont love him anymore but i dont have the emotional strength to leave, but im sorting out my alcoholism first that the most important thing , i had to stop drinking before i killed myself but its so hard sometimes not to pick up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Thank you all for the responses, I am working so hard on my sobriety and that is the upmost of importance to me right now. I guess I should brush the rest off for now, from what I am understanding. what a rough road we travel.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
I have a question, sobriety is the most important thing i know. what do we do about the stuff in our life we have no control of, people who keep hurting us, whether on purpose or not. What do I do when I know in my mind and heart that I need to get away from this person, but I dont seem to be able to at this point, mentally and physically. I have dreams of living by myself with my dogs happily, sober...but I dont' seem to be able to get off my butt and make things happen.
The solution did not come quickly to me when I got sober, but all I can say is that today my life is beyond my wildest dreams. The 12 steps work real miracles everyday
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I was single when I was an active alcoholic
and decided to stay single in recovery.
However...to protect my fragile early sobriety
I made drastic changes in my life.
I changed a stressful lucritive job ..took another
with less hours less pay.
I quit hanging out with drinkers includeing my lover.
I committed myself to God and AA.
Not only did I survive ...I thrived....
and decided to stay single in recovery.
However...to protect my fragile early sobriety
I made drastic changes in my life.
I changed a stressful lucritive job ..took another
with less hours less pay.
I quit hanging out with drinkers includeing my lover.
I committed myself to God and AA.
Not only did I survive ...I thrived....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
For me sobriety has been a combination of both...
On the one hand I had to focus on sobriety first....and work on the inside stuff....I loved what ago said cause for me it is an inside job....I get what people mean when they say act your way into a new way, but on some things that just didn't work it was by working on the inside stuff that the outside stuff got better...like housework
On the other hand, I also did have to take small actions on the outside stuff....
I guess the serinity prayer sums it up...my favorite version
Grant US the serenity to
accept the thing We cannot change
courage to change the things WE can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I ask for these things for myself and OTHERS...and it's amazing how when I asked not ony that I would find intuitive knowledge to deal with lifes problems but that OTHERS would find that as well...well it all seems to work better
But mostly it just takes time
On the one hand I had to focus on sobriety first....and work on the inside stuff....I loved what ago said cause for me it is an inside job....I get what people mean when they say act your way into a new way, but on some things that just didn't work it was by working on the inside stuff that the outside stuff got better...like housework
On the other hand, I also did have to take small actions on the outside stuff....
I guess the serinity prayer sums it up...my favorite version
Grant US the serenity to
accept the thing We cannot change
courage to change the things WE can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I ask for these things for myself and OTHERS...and it's amazing how when I asked not ony that I would find intuitive knowledge to deal with lifes problems but that OTHERS would find that as well...well it all seems to work better
But mostly it just takes time
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I know women (and men) who've stayed in a less than ideal relationship when they got sober, with different results. Some have had partners follow them into recovery. Others eventually separated or got divorced.
Personally, I had to leave if I wanted to stay sober. I wasn't a "pure" alcoholic, and he indulged in a chemical I found it difficult to turn down (and even when we were fighting like cats and dogs, he'd still want me to use with him). It was very scary, and I lived (with my children) hand to mouth for quite awhile.
What you do is up to you. "No major changes in the first year" is a suggestion you hear a lot in treatment facilities and, at times, in the rooms of AA. Most people consider ending or beginning a new relationship "major changes." Same way with changing careers, moving a great distance, going back to school, etc. Others have done just fine with major changes in early sobriety.
The bottom line is this: what do you need in order to stay sober? Can you stay sober while living in an unhappy relationship? I know a guy who got sober living in his car. Ultimately, if you protect and nurture your sobriety, all else will follow. If you can't stay sober, and if you are alcoholic, it's unlikely that things will get better.
Just Sug's 3 1/2 cents (inflation, you know...)
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Personally, I had to leave if I wanted to stay sober. I wasn't a "pure" alcoholic, and he indulged in a chemical I found it difficult to turn down (and even when we were fighting like cats and dogs, he'd still want me to use with him). It was very scary, and I lived (with my children) hand to mouth for quite awhile.
What you do is up to you. "No major changes in the first year" is a suggestion you hear a lot in treatment facilities and, at times, in the rooms of AA. Most people consider ending or beginning a new relationship "major changes." Same way with changing careers, moving a great distance, going back to school, etc. Others have done just fine with major changes in early sobriety.
The bottom line is this: what do you need in order to stay sober? Can you stay sober while living in an unhappy relationship? I know a guy who got sober living in his car. Ultimately, if you protect and nurture your sobriety, all else will follow. If you can't stay sober, and if you are alcoholic, it's unlikely that things will get better.
Just Sug's 3 1/2 cents (inflation, you know...)
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Pam you have recieved some excellent advice, I will add a bit if you do not mind.
You need to look at your life through a new pair of glasses before you go making any big decisions. The best place I know of to find those glasses that will allow you to see your life for what it really is in AA.
When I was drinking and even for a while after I quit through my eyes my life was a real disaster, the world and every one in it was against me, I trusted no one and no one liked me.
Well I got sober and stayed sober using the AA fellowship and taking the 12 steps of the AA program with a sponsor. As I did this I started to see the world and those in it with me through a new pair of glasses, I found that I was my primary problem and I had to change me before I could start to make major decisions.
The best thing I can think of for you is to get and stay sober for a while, focus on what you need to focus on to stay sober and go from there.
You may find that things change drastically for the better in you family life for the better and every one is happier, you may find exactly the opposite, but until you put on a new pair of SOBER glasses to see your life through for a while, good decisions may be very hard if not impossible to make.
I know there were very few decisions I made that while drinking that were good due to me seeing the world through a drunken or hungover pair of glasses. Once I began to see the world through sober glasses and having worked the steps, my decision making process along with the worl around me improved.
You need to look at your life through a new pair of glasses before you go making any big decisions. The best place I know of to find those glasses that will allow you to see your life for what it really is in AA.
When I was drinking and even for a while after I quit through my eyes my life was a real disaster, the world and every one in it was against me, I trusted no one and no one liked me.
Well I got sober and stayed sober using the AA fellowship and taking the 12 steps of the AA program with a sponsor. As I did this I started to see the world and those in it with me through a new pair of glasses, I found that I was my primary problem and I had to change me before I could start to make major decisions.
The best thing I can think of for you is to get and stay sober for a while, focus on what you need to focus on to stay sober and go from there.
You may find that things change drastically for the better in you family life for the better and every one is happier, you may find exactly the opposite, but until you put on a new pair of SOBER glasses to see your life through for a while, good decisions may be very hard if not impossible to make.
I know there were very few decisions I made that while drinking that were good due to me seeing the world through a drunken or hungover pair of glasses. Once I began to see the world through sober glasses and having worked the steps, my decision making process along with the worl around me improved.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi pam08,
It's awesome to see you here!
When I was drinking/drugging, I never liked myself much. I had no self esteem. It was important that other people love me and respect me, I thought they had to for me to be worth anything.
This created an illusion. I became responsible for everyone's emotions except my own. My world was completely about me, always!
Even when I thought I was being selfless, I was trying to manipulate someone's opinion of me. It's maddening living like that, my BB describes me as the "director", if only everything would just stay put, if only people would do and be as I want them to.
I'm beginning to live a better way of life, a way of life that teaches me I'm responsible for my feelings and actions and no one else's.
Stay sober....DON'T DRINK...go to meetings ...DON't DRINK...call your sponsor...DON'T DRINK....read the BB...DON'T DRINK....make sober friends...DON'T DRINK....use your phone and call sober people....DON'T DRINK...ask a higher power to help you....DON'T DRINK....listen for the answers....DON'T DRINK.....choose to live this wonderful life....DON'T DRINK
and in case I forgot the most important thing to do ........DON'T DRINK
it will get better in time, it's a promise
God's Peace
It's awesome to see you here!
When I was drinking/drugging, I never liked myself much. I had no self esteem. It was important that other people love me and respect me, I thought they had to for me to be worth anything.
This created an illusion. I became responsible for everyone's emotions except my own. My world was completely about me, always!
Even when I thought I was being selfless, I was trying to manipulate someone's opinion of me. It's maddening living like that, my BB describes me as the "director", if only everything would just stay put, if only people would do and be as I want them to.
I'm beginning to live a better way of life, a way of life that teaches me I'm responsible for my feelings and actions and no one else's.
Stay sober....DON'T DRINK...go to meetings ...DON't DRINK...call your sponsor...DON'T DRINK....read the BB...DON'T DRINK....make sober friends...DON'T DRINK....use your phone and call sober people....DON'T DRINK...ask a higher power to help you....DON'T DRINK....listen for the answers....DON'T DRINK.....choose to live this wonderful life....DON'T DRINK
and in case I forgot the most important thing to do ........DON'T DRINK
it will get better in time, it's a promise
God's Peace
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