Lindsay

Well, I posted awhile back when I decided to stop drinking and to begin recovery. I had gone on a 3 day bender, missed work, was about to make some irrational drastic changes in my life when I realized the only changed I need to to make was to STOP DRINKING. I'm not stupid. I know alcohol is and always has been the root of all of my problems.

So I stopped. I did everything right, except attend AA. I made it to day 44. It was a Tuesday, I was sitting at work...and suddenly just felt the urge. I gave in. I met my friend at our old hot spot. This was about three weeks ago. Since then, I APPEAR to be drinking responsibly. However, this is not the case. I've realized it's not as much my actions and how much I drink...it's about the internal struggle I face EVERY time I drink. I may appear to be out casually having a beer. Inside, I just want to drink myself into an oblivion! I've been drinking 'normal' in public and in front of others, and then going home and drinking more, or sneaking it. This is obviously very disturbing to me.

My mom knew about my recovery. She was (and IS) happy/proud. I never told her I relapsed, and don't plan on it. Most of my extended family knows as well. I'm going home for Thanksgiving and I don't want them to know otherwise. I'm ashamed, but more so disappointed in myself.

I feel like I don't know how to start over. I know I WANT to be sober. I'm just having a hard time letting go of my old lifestyle. When I was sober for 44 days, I didn't do much. I worked out and read. I wasn't very social. (Besides my interaction w/my roommate and work.) When I started back drinking recently it was like I was happily re-introduced to a more "exciting" and "eventful" life. Nothing particularly bad has happened just yet as a result of my drinking...but I know it will.

I've also starting seeing someone. I've already showed signs of someone with a drinking problem in front of him. I DETEST THIS. He's not much of a drinker...he'll have a beer here and there. It's hard for me, because alcohol and going out seems to be a big part in getting to know someone...especially when you're 24, I guess. We have weekend plans and I know alcohol will be present. Having alcohol available in social situations you're NOT QUITE comfortable in yet is NOT GOOD for someone that's attempting recovery.

Essentially, I'm just so lost. I thought I had hit my rock bottom...I'm now thinking perhaps I have not. I also know that I don't want to experience another supposed one! I'm royally confused. And experience/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Rowan

Hi Lindsay,

I was 19 when I was first confronted by an employer about my drinking. I waited until I was 33 to enter recovery. By then, my marriage had ended, I was estranged from my eldest daughter, and I was no longer going out to drink with friends. I could no longer predict what would happen. I began drinking at home, alone, and my existing depression worsened.

I understand that it must be a difficult and lonely business to give up drinking at your young age, and to have nothing but working out and reading to fill the void that drinking once filled. This is where AA came into the picture for me. I found friends there - other women and men who were newly sober and who needed/wanted people to spend time with doing sober activities.

We go snow-tubing, out for coffee, movies, shopping, bbq's, etc. It's so important to have a network of support when you are entering sobriety.

You have already seen how your drinking has progressed, and how you are having to control your intake when out in public. For some, they are able to give it up with no problem, but for men and women like us, it's not so easy.

Why not hit a few AA meetings, and approach other young women, introducing yourself as a newcomer? You will be amazed at the support you will find.

Please stick around here and continue to share what you're going through. I cannot begin to tell you how my life has changed since getting clean and sober.

Freedom1990

I always had that funny blind spot before I would drink again, and of course, failed to remember how miserable it was after I drank.

I've found that AA was the best solution for me, and continues to be so to this day.

Lindsay

Thank you for the responses.

You know, I find it strange...but I'm having such a difficult time accepting that I need to attend AA. I've gone on thinking I could do this on my own, by visiting SR, by talking to my mom about it, (she's not an alcoholic)...but I simply can't.

My mom recently told my grandfather (recovered alc) about my problems. She said he was very sympathetic and understanding...which is to be expected. He said that it was highly important and vital that I attend AA.

I know this...but I struggle with it. I'm so damn stubborn.

Rowan

Maybe you aren't ready to admit defeat, Lindsay. You don't have to hit rock bottom, but unfortunately for some, that is the grim reality.

Doll

You should definitely try AA Lindsay. I didn't think it was gonna be for me, really, but once I realized what it was like and how it made me feel, I knew it was right. If it turns out it wasn't right for you, what have you lost? You can try other recovery programs.

As far as dating a new guy, don't fall into the trap I did the first time I tried to stop drinking. I wanted so badly to be "normal" that I would drink around him so he wouldn't know I had a problem with alcohol.

Mcribb

Are you 24? I am 27... I was the largest party animal out going type. I thought I hit rock bottom when I missed work back in January hugging a urinal. I actually was at work hugging the urinal heh. This was my problem back then, I didn't want to let go of the good times. I love jimmy buffett getting my drink on, party at the club, I loved working out all week then going out having some drinks on a Friday or Saturday. I was sober for a couple weeks. I came on here with a bit of an attitude. People on here were going overboard saying I was going to die I am going to kill someone bla bla bla. I shrugged it off because I was just not ready to let go. I didn't do crap when I was sober because I knew that I would give in. I just sat inside my apartment staring at the room. Sitting there in my room was not living life...neither was getting hammered acting like an idiot. I know one thing it takes awhile to accept the fact I couldn't drink like other people. I said over and over in january feburary march. I said it to myself, I wrote it down, but it was hard to believe it because my best friends. Who are closer than brothers drink and party hard. The difference to me they maybe hung over, they may do stupid stuff, but they don't want to change. I have taking so many years off my life with 50 beers + weeks and pain killers. They may do it as a secret or maybe not hide it but they don't want to change. I am glad you are younger so atleast if you stumble here or there you can learn and pick back up. Atleast if you aren't drinking 40 plus days then relapse that has to save some time off of your body rather than drinking.

Mcribb

I haven't liked AA much because I only have a couple free hours in my night and I need to eat, set up for work, and have some TV time or video game time. I plan on trying to attend one when I get a chance soon to see if it something that I enjoy more than video games .etc I am shy away from it because I mine as well go to grad school if I am going to go to meetings and such, but the fact remains DO I WANT TO QUIT DO YOU WANT TO QUIT OR NOT. If it isn't in your heart to quit and you don't put it infront of other things you won't quit for good, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. For me though I know that first drink hasn't lead to anything good for 6 or 7 years. All it leads to dwi's acting dumb, feeling crappy, blacking out, having sex (which was sweet back in the day, but the last year my one night stands have eaten my food, not cool). Try AA atleast once.

CarolD

Since I am probably the same age as your
Grandfather...and I too am a recovered alcoholic

We agree on the solution...

I hope you will learn how to find the joy
apparently ...that is missing in your life.

Blessings .

Pam08

I love this quote, I could no longer predict what would happen, began drinking at home, alone, ......
Wow that is me, drink alone at home. If you are not at that point you are so lucky ,that is pretty much rock bottom, no more pleasure in it, and all the old time alcoholics with years of drinking under their belt that I know, this is how they ended the last years of drinking. If you can stop the insanity before you become insane you will have saved yourself so much pain and heartache. AA is a wonderful place and so many younger people are getting it together before they end up like me....try it, you can find so many caring people who are like you. unable to control their drinking. I am new to recovery, being sober I am feeling better physically already, just have to get the head following. good luck and hope you give AA a chance.

gantz

I had the same thing too (although I am 29). I thought i wasnt an alcoholic because what the heck...all my friends at work drank hardcore too. Plus I said to myself - you only do it on the weekend thats not alcoholic right? I also would try to workout a bit through the week too and tell myself that meant i wasnt something an alcoholic would do.

Yet every monday morning feeling like i wanted to die sometimes barely having the strength to make the walk to the train to get to work. All day I would suffer. At one point I had such a bad withdrawl I shakes and felt depressed for 2 weeks!! Yet still I was completely in denial that i had any sort of problem.

it wasnt until my body started to be a sloppy mess and my drinking lasted almost all hours through the weekend that i finally started to realize - wow you are an alcoholic.

Tazman53

Lindsay I totally relate to this:
I have found it is so much easier to not drink at all then it is to try to control it. When I used to be able to control my drinking before it TOTALLY controled me I would feel a degree of insanity.... I wanted more, I obsessed/craved more, but some how for quite a few years did manage to it when I chose to control it, but many times I would choose to get totally plowed and find oblivion just to keep the insanity away!

You mentioned "Rock Bottom", please keep in mind that every ones bottom is different, as we ride the elevator of alcoholism down, floor after floor down, we each get to decide what floor we get off on.

There is no reason to take that elevator into the sub-basement in order to HIT bottom!

You and only you can know when you have had enough to drink, there is no reason you need to spend 5 years alone in a garage doing nothing but drinking like I did. There is no reason you need to drink until there is nothing in your life left but drinking.

When you are sick and tired enough of being sick and tired all the time, you can simply say "I am full! I want to be sober more then I want to drink"

When ever you decide that you are willing to do what ever you need to do to get and stay sober, call that your bottom! Get off the elevator to hell and go to AA and ask one of the ladies there for some help.

If you find after really working AA for a while that it is not for you or not working for you then check out other programs, heck there is no rule that says one can not work more then one program at a time.

I use AA to stay sober and to live life. My life is not AA, but AA is a part of my life that allows me to live life to it's fullest sober and happy.

stone

You don't have to go to AA to recover. AA might not be the answer for you.

I have the same thought, I should be able to beat this by myself.

Well some people do, I don't know what changes within them, but they do it. AA, gives a good guide for living, that is all. Don't hurt people, correct your mistakes. etc.
That is living spiritualy.

Boleo

Stopping is one thing, staying stopped is a whole new ball game. Until you grasp the concept that "NOT DRINKING" does not treat alcoholism you will stay stuck in the rut that leads you back to your original old behavior.

12 step program are more than 1 step for a reason. It takes new ways of thinking to stay stopped. It also takes more than will-power, it takes
higher-power. If you are relapsing than you already have 1 higher-power, drugs or alcohol. You need some power even higher than that to become free from the temptation to drink.

collinsmi

When you quit based on self knowledge or self will, you buy into the idea that you're going to base your actions on logic. Problem is, if you drank like I did, taking a drink has been an illogical choice almost from the beginning. The idea of taking a drink is not going to respond well to logic, at least for people like me. It's going to persist, and persist and persist, until logic just gets worn out and takes a hike.