notdifferent

So, I went to treatment in MN a year ago this past August. I'm from NYC, but decided to stick around there for the better part of a year. I was so engaged in the program there, and found a joy in life that I didn't know existed. Moved back East this past June, never got plugged in, stayed sober a couple months before I decided I was different. Started drinking again on day 360, 5 days short of a year. It's been 3 months now off the wagon and I'm right where I was before. Why is it so hard to quit? I mean, life was just infinitely better when I was sober. I can't not drink for more than a day or two. I am experiencing serious problems with my job situation because of my use. I know what I'm doing to myself. Still, it feels impossible right now. I am baffled.

mikel60

Hi notdifferent,
I don't know why it is so hard to quit, but I'm glad you're trying. You beat the bottle for 360 days, you can do it again. Keep trying., keep posting, and hope to see more of you here.
Mike

notdifferent

Thank you for your support, Mike.

My progression was so fast these past few months. Started off saying I'd have a beer or two if appropriate to the situation. That lasted three days. On my good days, I confine myself to the apartment and drink about half a liter. The bad ones, I go out to the bars and black out. Thursday night, I went to my old bar, told my bartender I was buying the first drink with cash (instead of a tab) because I was just dropping in. He said: see you at closing time. 8 hours later he was proved correct. Called in sick to work yesterday about an hour after I was supposed to be there. This is not an isolated incident. But, way more important than any job concern, the real issue is that I have lost all the healthy self-regard I had built up for myself during my sober time. It sucks to hate yourself and that's where I am right now.

I know what I need to do, it's a matter of doing it at this point. You'd think it would be simple. I just hope that I'm ready to be honest with myself in a real way.

mikel60

Man, that sounds like me twelve years ago. I'd hit the bar, tell myself its only for one or two,then next thing I know it was closing time and work was only four hours away. I hated myself.
give this your best shot. I did and my life is so much different and better now. Back then, I basically had no life. Now? Oh man... it is so much better. A wife, 2 kids, good job, prospects for the future.
Go for it!!
Mike

Stobert

I think you answered your own question (Why is it so hard to quit?) in your post:

Why not open the phone book and call AA?

Pelican

Hey ND,

Did you read the second sticky at the top of this section. It contains the excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". It was an eye-opener for me when I discovered this site. It explained what was happening in my body everytime I took a drink. The whole chain reaction to every cell in your body. I am addicted to alcohol. Every part of my body was accustomed to functioning with alcohol. So even though you 'know' you need to quit. Your body needs you to keep drinking. The alcohol is absorbed faster by every cell, instead of any nutrition you consume, because it reaches them faster. Every ounce of your being is physically protesting your trying to abstain.

It is a tough battle. You can do this. You had 360 days, so you know you can do this. You may need to try a different approach this time.

Reading and posting here is a great resource. Welcome!

vegibean

No matter what, no matter what, don't pick up.....my last sponsor said it all the time and it's stuck in my head. I am so scared of being where you are right now. I don't want to pick up, I'm afraid I won't make it back and everything I worked for will go right down the tubes.

I hope you can pick yourself up and strap your butt back on soon before it's too late.

Peter

" Cunning baffling & powerful". Three words used to describe alcoholism.

I am experienced into the particular baffling nature of it.I have expended years trying to unravel the mystery of why i could not control my drinking or stop on my own.

AA helped me to understand a lot about my behaviour. Perhaps they can help you too.

CarolD

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum

I have relocated twice since I quit drinking
I quikly found new AA meetings
so I could stay connected.

Glad you are here with us...

espresso

Just don't pick up that first drink. You can do this and as everyone has suggested get to a meeting. I couldn't stop or stay stopped on my own. AA might not need me but I need AA. Good Luck!

notdifferent

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It is a new day and I'm feeling motivated. I don't need alcohol in my life anymore, the price tag is way too high. I'm running upstate today to help my sister out with her kids, but will definitely be attending a meeting tonight once I get back home. I just have to not drink today and things will start coming together. I'll give an update later tonight.

You are all so sweet and this site is such a great resource. I think my HP must still be watching out for me.

MNGirlyGirl

Hey Notdifferent, I'm exactly where you are. Today is my day 1. I will not pick up today. I've been told many a time that you have to keep going to meetings and stay plugged in. You might want to think about coming back to MN if you think that would help. Then again, the "geographical cure" isn't really the answer.

problemchild

So ask yourself, what did i do then that i am NOT DOING NOW ????????

LosingmyMisery

The progression of the disease is astonishing. Quit while you are ahead. Drinking will lead you no where but down. I lost 3 jobs due to my drinking. You need to plug in and stick to it. There is a way out, but you need to work at it. Good luck!

Suomi Poika

I sure know the feeling. The first time I really quit was through a wonderful program up in Duluth. I didn't touch a drink for several years. Then, one here, one there, and . . . It is so much harder to quit than to start.

After another couple of years of not touching a drop, I'm back to where you are. I've got a doctor's appointment setup for week after next. I'd like it to be sooner, but my doctor is out on sick leave!

I've been baffled for years about it. To this day, I really don't know why I drink. My brain says "this is really stupid." I know the consequences. I don't like the feeling. My other brain also says this is really stupid, but convinces me that it is OK to have just one -- you know the rest of the story . . .

It sure is hard to keep this brain under control.

Toivo

Dean62

You know you can't do this alone. Get back to those meetings. We need you as much as you need us.