vegibean

Keep those "yets" in mind. I hit all my yets, it was just a matter of time. Good luck Shanti with whatever you decide to do for yourself.

This place is great on good, honest support too. Hope you'll keep coming back.

Shanticlare

Thanks so much to all of you for your info. and support. I'm not sure why, at this time in my life, I've chosen to look at things honestly but I have to tell you, this is a bit painful. I haven't had anything to drink now in 3 days, usually no big deal for me, but some really hurtful thoughts are bubbling up since I did this post. Today while putting one of my t shirts in the wash I noticed wine stains that had dripped down the front and I started to cry and I don't know why. It's like I was hearing "you slob, look at how you are now". I'm very afraid of what is ahead. I think my marriage is in trouble because I don't think he will quit. Last night he came home and drank a big bottle of ale knowing I was trying to stop. The smell actually nauseated me but I still wanted some. I don't think I can be sober and go through a divorce at the same time. I'm seeing how I've hurt people now, especially my sons, and it makes me so very sad and disgusted with me. Anyway, thanks for your support. It is priceless right now.

Ago

desertdonna

Hi Shanticlare,

I never drank during the day or had some of the war stories of others, and yes I am an alcoholic.

It sounds like some truths are bubbling up inside of you. The pain and shame are feelings that most of us are pretty familiar with. Try to stay focused on your truth and what you need to do for yourself, no matter the issues with your husband.

There's a lot of support out there. AA offers it the most readily I've found and is available. I would look it up in your phone book as there are groups even in smaller towns. Sometimes looking online isn't that helpful. Alanon is very helpful in dealing with family issues. Check out the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section here at SR also.

I was so very grateful to find out that I could get on with life in a meaningful way without alcohol in the picture at all. It can be the same with you. The romance of drinking while the glorious sun is setting is an illusion if drinking interferes with the reality of our lives, or if we can't stop with a drink or two.

Uplifting thoughts coming your way.

:ghug

Donna

doorknob

I don't know if you found this link, but just in case...

Alcoholics Anonymous in North Carolina - Meetings

Shanticlare

I had only been seeing that there was an AA in the major city I'm close to and I didn't want to travel that far but this link you provided showed me there are actually meetings within 5 mins. of my house. That's one hurdle. Now I'm grappling with going there and seeing some of my neighbors or clients or other people I may know and feeling the embarrassment of all that. I'm having some anxiety about dealing with this publicly.

desertdonna

I totally understand your anxious feelings. I went on three different occasions and sat there, in the parking lot, before fleeing home.

Walking through that door the first time, with my heart pounding, proved to me that my thoughts had created a monster that didn't exist. I felt safe and was welcomed. What a relief.

Please keep posting. You have much support.

Hugs to you.

Donna

doorknob

Just remember that anyone you see is there for the same reason you are, and will welcome you with open arms.

Boleo

It is not how much or how often that you drink that determines whether you are an alcoholic.

It is progression and lack of control that puts one "over the edge" so to speak.

The 3 questions you should be asking yourself are;

1. Are you drinking more than you used to?

2. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to?

3. Do you sometimes do things that you regret afterwords?

LosingmyMisery

I agree, Bolero. It is the progression of the disease that will kill us. I never drank daily until I did. I never used to drink in the morning until I did. I never lost a job until I did. I progressed from one bottle a night to two and so on. I started off okay then catapulted across a line I never crossed before. I never saw it coming until it was to late. It is very cunning, indeed. Beware of the yets. They are very real. If you are questioning your drinking, there is a potential problem. Good luck!

eleanor11

Don't worry about meeting anyone from your town etc at a meeting. It is an anonymous programme and what you see, hear ,as well as who you see in a room , stays in the room. AA is full friends you have yet to meet. Can you phone a number and arrange for a member to meet you and take you to the meeting.

Feeling c**p is par for the course in early recovery. Fatigue and suger cravings are on the way too. Just remember, this too will pass and you have a chance now to a wat of life that will be sooooo peaceful and loving. You must be willing to do some hard work, deep soul-searching and throw in a dollop of honesty while you're at it.

One day at a time is the idea. Simple. If it gets too hard, don't give up.....an hour, a morning, whatever, just don't pick up that drink.

rubycanoe

I wonder if I am alcoholic too. I took the two tests people posted, I was not an alcoholic in one, and the other said I was a heavy drinker. So that is why I get confused, I have never been diagnosed alcoholic. I just know I don't want to drink anymore, it doesn't agree with me, lots of alcoholics in my family, and my husband and stepdaughter, so I have a lot of good reasons not to drink. So I am now on day seven of sobriety, even though I might just be a heavy drinker I know I could be an alcoholic, and some quizzes say I am. I have had one DWI 25 years ago. I haven't had any real problems with alcohol in the last 12 years, and have been able to moderate/quit altogether for the most part. But this last year I have been drinking more again, and couldn't remember somethings in the morning, and sent emails after heavy drinking etc. I still have not had more than a six pack in the last year but that is a lot for me. I still don't know but I feel I should not drink, it isn't healthy, or helpful , or hopeful.

malibumermaid

please know that you have taken a HUGE step in changing your life for the better. despite what you may have heard, you don't need to hit "BOTTOM" to realize and admit to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol. and it is easy to justify your drinking if those around you are doing the same. you can't ALL be alcoholics, can you? my friends and i would easily go through bottles of wine together, so how could we ALL have a problem? we would go out and have drink after drink...and yes, usually margaritas...so how could that be wrong??? different??? i'll tell you how. they only drank like this WHEN we were together..."special" occaisons...it was not the norm for them. the difference was i did this NIGHTLY, with or without their commraderie. and my problem was compounded by the fact that my husband is NOT a drinker by nature, maybe has an occaisonal beer every other month. had he been in my camp, it would have been even harder for me to identify and admit, so i understand where you are coming from. i was very regimented in my drinking and rarely thought of it or craved it out of those parameters. i was a night drinker, would rarely start b4 7:30pm and would wrap it up by 11:30p, although i rarely remember going to bed. i would only drink to a certain predetermined level on the bottle and would not exceed 4 drinks, albeit relatively strong ones. how could someone with so much "control" and foresight be an alcoholic? i woke up and went to work everyday, took care of my family without fail, always made sure i was totally put together, styled and accessorized before leaving the house...never embarrassed myself or my family, never drove while drinking...the worst thing i can think of that happened while i drank was that in the morning, i sometimes wouldn't remember something one of my children had told me the night before. and that truly bothered me.

so i struggled for years as to whether i was a "true" alcoholic. it was harder to admit when my children were young. admitting such a thing brought on a boatload of shame and a fear that my husband may use it against me where they were concerned. i think i denied being an alcoholic for fear that i may lose them if my husband divorced me due to my drinking. although i tried to make sure he never knew, he would inevitably find my bottles. and to this day, it infuriates me that this is primarily the only reason he knows i DID drink!!! i would go YEARS without being discovered or suspected. we alcoholics can be very clever in our deceit.

now my children are teenagers and my marriage is suffering for a number of reasons, one of which is lack of trust due to my on and off again swearing off the bottle only to be rediscovered. but i now realize i need to do this for me...i've been putting off a lot of living. i will no longer drink to make my marriage "manageable"...maybe by not drinking things will improve, time will tell but i do not have much hope. but now i also fear for my children. my father, i now realize, was an alcoholic much like myself...in the closet. and my children are predisposed to the disease. i cannot deny its existence and in the same breath worry they may follow down my path. by saying im okay im saying that their chosing my path is okay. IT IS NOT!!!!

so maybe that is the ultimate litmus test for you: your children. you mentioned you felt shame because of your children. do you DESIRE the life you have, the relationship you have with alcohol, for your children? i think if you feel you have a healthy relationship with alcohol you will not fear for them. if you do fear for them, i truly think you must admit you are an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol.

oh, and it's amazing how the weight drops off when you cut out the booze!!! and food becomes so much more enjoyable because i now feel i can have what i want. i used to skimp so the alcohol would have a quicker effect...don't need to do that any more and i now have all those empty calories to enjoy "chewing"!!!! and i think sweet cravings have replaced my alcohol cravings...never have i spent so much time looking in the dessert areas of the stores i visit. and candy.....

i'll stop now!!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!! GO TO A MEETING!!! SEE WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

Carol87

Am I an alcoholic?? That was my motto for well over three years even after I was in AA ... after all, I was different ... I won't list them again, but I still had to do the YETS (you are elegible too) ... finally some got so sick of my litany ... and I was led here ... and found my answer. AND I finally stopped looking at the differences and saw the similarities!

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS BIG BOOK,
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...pedintime9.pdf
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Could I be an alcoholic without some of the hair-raising experiences I had heard of in meetings? The first step of the Twelve Steps of AA. … 'We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.' This didn't say we had to be in jail, ten, fifty, or one hundred times. It didn't say I had to lose one, five or ten jobs. It didn't say I had to lose my family. It didn't say I had to finally live on skid row … It did say 'admitted I was powerless over alcohol; that my life had become unmanageable.

Pam08

Welll I am an alchy, never had a dui, never lost a job, home , kids etc etc..if you think you are prob you are...alchys can't just have A drink..,.alchys can't just quit.....life gets unmanageable in time....matters how bad it has gotten, it doesn't get better, trust me..i have not lost that sorta stuff..i just bout lost my mind, soul, and life........

353

Hi Shanticlare, welcome to SR forums,

You've gotten some great info so far, I'd like to offer my hope!

There is life after alcohol/drugs, a wonderful life. It was hard to see before I found sobriety but if you are troubled by your alcohol use, you can find a new life too.

You can be happy, without the alcohol, you really can, that's a promise I see come true everyday in the rooms of AA. I remember considering myself an alcoholic and being so distraught, I mean how was I going to live without the alcohol, it was killing me but I couldn't stop.

Today I'm grateful for recovery, being an alcoholic isn't so bad....IF I DON'T DRINK. The hard part is learning how to not drink. I do that with the help of friends. Go get the help you're searching for, don't be afraid...YOU ARE NOT ALONE

God's Peace