I have hit rock bottom....the end (long post)
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I have hit rock bottom....the end (long post)
I got picked up tonight for my second dwi. I am at my parents place right now who have graciously given my a place to live....and I have drawn them to the point where they are out of options. My best friend who I have not even spent hardly anytime with in the last year came to pick me up at the jail at 2:20am, and drove me home. He had class at 8am.
I woke up my parents to let me in....and told my dad I will talk to him in the morning about what happened. I am sure I will probably not have a place to live after tomorrow......they have warned me many times to get my **** together and sooner or later it will come down to tough love.
I will be turning in my two weeks notice at my job tomorrow, as with two dwi's and inevitable jail time I have no other choice. My car and health insurance will be canceled. I have no where to go. My OWN choices have (will) cause me to lose the woman who I care about and love more than anything in this entire world, and it turns out her parents were right. I am a loser with nothing to offer such a wonderful intelligent woman. I have really backed myself into a corner with this one.
When I go to court tomorrow to clear up my first DWI, yeah I know, I will head over to the local treatment center and see if and when I can check myself into inpatient treatment. This will not be as easy as it sounds, because the bank of my parents has been shut down. They promised me they will not help me out this time, if it ever happens, and it did. When I turn in my two weeks notice, I will lose my health insurance. Pretty much making paying for treatment impossible. But I have to do it, time to go to treatment for the 4th time. Which is hard, because I went to inpatient at hazelden and left with a toolbox full of recovery tools.
For being 24 years old, alcoholism has literally destroyed my life and everyone who has ever meant anything to me. When I enter treatment I will begin to write a book, a story of my addiction and the hell it has brought me through at such a young age. Any real problems in my life have always been brought on by the "bottle"
My best chance right now is to enter inpatient treatment as soon as possible.... Losing Sara makes me cry, even though I didn't show it the best, she was my everything. Hurting and letting down my Mom and Dad hurts even worse. How will I pay for treatment!? Not to mention the impending jail time....
I know I have not been here in some time, and I have had several bouts of sobriety here and there, but nothing amounting to over one week straight, but never really going a bender for more than a week either.
Happy to be back, I think I need to let everything go, and start again.
I woke up my parents to let me in....and told my dad I will talk to him in the morning about what happened. I am sure I will probably not have a place to live after tomorrow......they have warned me many times to get my **** together and sooner or later it will come down to tough love.
I will be turning in my two weeks notice at my job tomorrow, as with two dwi's and inevitable jail time I have no other choice. My car and health insurance will be canceled. I have no where to go. My OWN choices have (will) cause me to lose the woman who I care about and love more than anything in this entire world, and it turns out her parents were right. I am a loser with nothing to offer such a wonderful intelligent woman. I have really backed myself into a corner with this one.
When I go to court tomorrow to clear up my first DWI, yeah I know, I will head over to the local treatment center and see if and when I can check myself into inpatient treatment. This will not be as easy as it sounds, because the bank of my parents has been shut down. They promised me they will not help me out this time, if it ever happens, and it did. When I turn in my two weeks notice, I will lose my health insurance. Pretty much making paying for treatment impossible. But I have to do it, time to go to treatment for the 4th time. Which is hard, because I went to inpatient at hazelden and left with a toolbox full of recovery tools.
For being 24 years old, alcoholism has literally destroyed my life and everyone who has ever meant anything to me. When I enter treatment I will begin to write a book, a story of my addiction and the hell it has brought me through at such a young age. Any real problems in my life have always been brought on by the "bottle"
My best chance right now is to enter inpatient treatment as soon as possible.... Losing Sara makes me cry, even though I didn't show it the best, she was my everything. Hurting and letting down my Mom and Dad hurts even worse. How will I pay for treatment!? Not to mention the impending jail time....
I know I have not been here in some time, and I have had several bouts of sobriety here and there, but nothing amounting to over one week straight, but never really going a bender for more than a week either.
Happy to be back, I think I need to let everything go, and start again.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Sorry to see this situation....it's a big mess for sure.
I'd hold off on leaving your job for a bit ...if possible.
I suggest you check out the options offered by the
Salvation army....they are excellent and free.
And...begin regularrly attending AA. Take a piece of paper
ask the chair person to sign it. They will know how.
Come back and let us know how things are working out.
You too can quit...and stay quit...
I'd hold off on leaving your job for a bit ...if possible.
I suggest you check out the options offered by the
Salvation army....they are excellent and free.
And...begin regularrly attending AA. Take a piece of paper
ask the chair person to sign it. They will know how.
Come back and let us know how things are working out.
You too can quit...and stay quit...
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
You know what you can get sober without treatment AND keep your job...just commit to 90 in 90 - 90 AA meetings in 90 days - DO what is suggested by other people who have 'made it' i.e. are sober and happy (I like to take my cue from these types of people I didn't get sober to be miserable! 
)
It's actually so simple...I agree with you re let it all go - but let go preconceptions, prejudices etc...whenever I see someone say, yeah AA is working for me but I am just going to ignore the sponsor part, the service part, etc (Homer38 is great example of this ...got a few days sobriety after another horrendous drunk incident and who knows where he is now) then I think sheesh! just follow instructions.
YOU CAN get sober at your age...if you can affor rehab even better....point is : there IS a solution! Well done
Cathy31
x
)It's actually so simple...I agree with you re let it all go - but let go preconceptions, prejudices etc...whenever I see someone say, yeah AA is working for me but I am just going to ignore the sponsor part, the service part, etc (Homer38 is great example of this ...got a few days sobriety after another horrendous drunk incident and who knows where he is now) then I think sheesh! just follow instructions.
YOU CAN get sober at your age...if you can affor rehab even better....point is : there IS a solution! Well done
Cathy31
x
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Magic are you ready? You say you have been to 4 rehabs already, are you ready to simply throw in the towel and say "I do not know how to stay sober."?
That is what I had to do. I tried every way I could think of to stay sober and after many years of winding up drunk again and not knowing why! I reached the point where I had to drink every day just to function, drinking was no longer fun, it was a daily need for me, I had to drink in order to even feel semi normal.
Once I reached the point where I knew I was going to die if I did not quit, I felt hopeless, I was at a turning point in my life, I could continue to drink, lose everything in my life and die, or I had to quit drinking and stay quit. Here is where the hopeless part came in, I knew that I could not stay sober because I did not know how to. Well in detox they told me that the best way to stay sober was to do what other people who were sober alcoholics did to stay sober!!!
In very simple words, if I wanted to stay sober I had to be willing to do what other sober alcoholics did to stay sober......... Want what I have? Do what I do.
That was over 2 years ago, today I am happier then I have been in over 30 years and the craving/obsession for alcohol is gone.......... and all I did was what other sober alcoholics did! Was it easy? No!!! But it was simple.
That is what I had to do. I tried every way I could think of to stay sober and after many years of winding up drunk again and not knowing why! I reached the point where I had to drink every day just to function, drinking was no longer fun, it was a daily need for me, I had to drink in order to even feel semi normal.
Once I reached the point where I knew I was going to die if I did not quit, I felt hopeless, I was at a turning point in my life, I could continue to drink, lose everything in my life and die, or I had to quit drinking and stay quit. Here is where the hopeless part came in, I knew that I could not stay sober because I did not know how to. Well in detox they told me that the best way to stay sober was to do what other people who were sober alcoholics did to stay sober!!!
In very simple words, if I wanted to stay sober I had to be willing to do what other sober alcoholics did to stay sober......... Want what I have? Do what I do.
That was over 2 years ago, today I am happier then I have been in over 30 years and the craving/obsession for alcohol is gone.......... and all I did was what other sober alcoholics did! Was it easy? No!!! But it was simple.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
just some life questions for you to look at...hope they help
have you exhausted your FMLA options at work?...talk to HR
What about COBRA insurance (again talk to HR...and the bill doesn't come for a number of months...so you can worry about actual payment later....but alot cheaper than treatment I think).
A winner is a looser who never stops trying (hugs)
have you exhausted your FMLA options at work?...talk to HR
What about COBRA insurance (again talk to HR...and the bill doesn't come for a number of months...so you can worry about actual payment later....but alot cheaper than treatment I think).
A winner is a looser who never stops trying (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
MM
I'm sure you will recieve plenty of "tough love." No doubt you need it.
The signs were all there months ago, the hubris of a young man who "knew it all." Read your old posts, my man.
Yeah, we old farts may sound condescending at times. Only because we are reading the story of our own life and failed attempts.
One bright side, MM. Perhaps you will know and come to terms with your illness at a far younger age than we did. You can have 20 years at age 44. That can be a very good thing.
Beware the jaws of the law, my friend. They will justifiably exact many pounds of flesh from you, as they have me. For a time, they stripped me of something far more important than money and penalties, they took my dignity-or, rather I gave it to them. I punished myself far more than they did.
You do have youth. 34 and 44 can be far different or it can be a worse hell. Or death. Ya gotta choose a different path or the results will be only too predictable.
I agree with others in trying to hold on to your job if you can. Peace to you.
warren
I'm sure you will recieve plenty of "tough love." No doubt you need it.
The signs were all there months ago, the hubris of a young man who "knew it all." Read your old posts, my man.
Yeah, we old farts may sound condescending at times. Only because we are reading the story of our own life and failed attempts.
One bright side, MM. Perhaps you will know and come to terms with your illness at a far younger age than we did. You can have 20 years at age 44. That can be a very good thing.
Beware the jaws of the law, my friend. They will justifiably exact many pounds of flesh from you, as they have me. For a time, they stripped me of something far more important than money and penalties, they took my dignity-or, rather I gave it to them. I punished myself far more than they did.
You do have youth. 34 and 44 can be far different or it can be a worse hell. Or death. Ya gotta choose a different path or the results will be only too predictable.
I agree with others in trying to hold on to your job if you can. Peace to you.
warren
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
It's been a while since I have seen you post, glad to see you back.
As far as the DWI goes, talk to the public defender or a private attorney to figure out your legal options before you make any rash decisions in the courtroom. Remember, court is separate from getting better.
Try your best not to look at all of your problems at the same time. Break them down and prioritize them. From the sounds of it, I would say sobriety is your primary issue so start with that. You can figure out the rest once you give it some thought.
I saw someone suggest COBRA, that is a good idea if you cannot pay for treatment. Check with HR, check with treatment providers to see what kind of payment plans you can do and you can figure out what is more affordable. Also check to see if the state has any programs available (in Washington we go through the Department of Social and Human Services if we cannot afford treatment).
Do you have to quit your job? Can you take a leave of absence? That is a tough one because the job pays you, but it also enables you to get more booze. Again, give it some thought.
The last thing I would suggest is thinking about your sobriety. What is going to make this stay in inpatient different from the other times you have gone through treatment. What has worked for you and what has not worked in your attempts to stay sober? This is especially important to think about if you plan on telling the court that you plan to do treatment immediately. Again, talk to an attorney regarding your court options.
Whatever you decide I wish you the best and I look forward to hearing more as time goes on.
As far as the DWI goes, talk to the public defender or a private attorney to figure out your legal options before you make any rash decisions in the courtroom. Remember, court is separate from getting better.
Try your best not to look at all of your problems at the same time. Break them down and prioritize them. From the sounds of it, I would say sobriety is your primary issue so start with that. You can figure out the rest once you give it some thought.
I saw someone suggest COBRA, that is a good idea if you cannot pay for treatment. Check with HR, check with treatment providers to see what kind of payment plans you can do and you can figure out what is more affordable. Also check to see if the state has any programs available (in Washington we go through the Department of Social and Human Services if we cannot afford treatment).
Do you have to quit your job? Can you take a leave of absence? That is a tough one because the job pays you, but it also enables you to get more booze. Again, give it some thought.
The last thing I would suggest is thinking about your sobriety. What is going to make this stay in inpatient different from the other times you have gone through treatment. What has worked for you and what has not worked in your attempts to stay sober? This is especially important to think about if you plan on telling the court that you plan to do treatment immediately. Again, talk to an attorney regarding your court options.
Whatever you decide I wish you the best and I look forward to hearing more as time goes on.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I just came home from my noon AA meeting.
We had 3 newcomers....24-20 and 18.
Each of them had different experiences ...
none were positive or happy.
They all picked up a 24 hour chip
and we gave them our phone numbers.
We had a First Step meeting....
"We admitted we we powerless over alcohol,
our lives had become unmanageable"
Seems as tho you will fit right in AA....
Get serious....get busy...get sober.
We had 3 newcomers....24-20 and 18.
Each of them had different experiences ...
none were positive or happy.
They all picked up a 24 hour chip
and we gave them our phone numbers.
We had a First Step meeting....
"We admitted we we powerless over alcohol,
our lives had become unmanageable"
Seems as tho you will fit right in AA....
Get serious....get busy...get sober.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
The last time I relapsed I wasn't sure I"d live thru the withdrawals. I'd quit drinking and relapsed too many times, and each time the withdrawals got worse. I knew I couldn't stand to go thru such hell even one more time, so last time I quit drinking I vowed it would be "the" last time. I've got 100 days today, so I must have meant what I said.
The point is, I was willing to do anything to stay sober. I went to more AA meetings and was honest with my counselor about my past relapses. I prayed the prayer of the desperate, "Oh God if you're really there help me save myself!" I spent a lot of time right here, reading and learning and posting my daily success at staying sober 'just for today'.
I was also motivated by a genuine fear: I was afraid that if I didn't stay sober this time I might meet a horrible end, either kill someone while driving drunk or kill myself, as I was so desperate for relief I considered killing myself just to be rid of the pain. I didn't 'really' want to die and leave my kids with such a sad legacy, but I wanted to misery to end.
And it has. I still face the same problems, but I face them clear-headed and sober. I no longer worry about cop cars behind me. I no longer worry about setting the house on fire by passing out while smoking. I no longer worry about my kids coming to hate me. I no longer worry about my family and friends giving up on me. I now face each new day with determination and the joy from my living sober.
You CAN stop drinking for good, but you have to want to stay sober more than you ever wanted to drink. Do you want to stay sober no matter what it takes? If you do, then you can stay sober. I hope and pray this is your last time.
The point is, I was willing to do anything to stay sober. I went to more AA meetings and was honest with my counselor about my past relapses. I prayed the prayer of the desperate, "Oh God if you're really there help me save myself!" I spent a lot of time right here, reading and learning and posting my daily success at staying sober 'just for today'.
I was also motivated by a genuine fear: I was afraid that if I didn't stay sober this time I might meet a horrible end, either kill someone while driving drunk or kill myself, as I was so desperate for relief I considered killing myself just to be rid of the pain. I didn't 'really' want to die and leave my kids with such a sad legacy, but I wanted to misery to end.
And it has. I still face the same problems, but I face them clear-headed and sober. I no longer worry about cop cars behind me. I no longer worry about setting the house on fire by passing out while smoking. I no longer worry about my kids coming to hate me. I no longer worry about my family and friends giving up on me. I now face each new day with determination and the joy from my living sober.
You CAN stop drinking for good, but you have to want to stay sober more than you ever wanted to drink. Do you want to stay sober no matter what it takes? If you do, then you can stay sober. I hope and pray this is your last time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Back when I was your age I was getting myself into jam after jam. Your story sounds just like mine. Detox, Rehab, Lost jobs, Parents at their limit, a multitude DUIs, Cops, Lawyers etc...
That's just the drama that seems to go along with alcoholism in my life. Each time things seemed like the end was near and there was no way out of this mess I would pray to some God I didn't believe in. I prayed to get me out of this and things would be different in my life.
I didn't keep my end of the bargain and neither did God. At least I thought He didn't.
Just the fact that I'm here and sober today is testimony that God did keep his end of the deal.
I'm alive and well and living in the middle of Gods Country with a Wife, Kids and Good Job. Not bad for someone that was in the same miserable position that you are finding yourself in.
In the first sentence I mentioned this Drama. I think you know the common denominator.
That's just the drama that seems to go along with alcoholism in my life. Each time things seemed like the end was near and there was no way out of this mess I would pray to some God I didn't believe in. I prayed to get me out of this and things would be different in my life.
I didn't keep my end of the bargain and neither did God. At least I thought He didn't.
Just the fact that I'm here and sober today is testimony that God did keep his end of the deal.
I'm alive and well and living in the middle of Gods Country with a Wife, Kids and Good Job. Not bad for someone that was in the same miserable position that you are finding yourself in.
In the first sentence I mentioned this Drama. I think you know the common denominator.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
Surrender
I got a DUI in 1994. My job required me to have a license. I had been promised a raise and a promotion but it was a carrot on a stick.
My company gave me the responsibilities of the promotion without the raise and I was able to keep my job.
I got a sponsor and worked the steps. My sponsor told me I couldn't change my company... that I was powerless over people, places and things... but I could change myself. Part of the requirements for me to get the promotion was to get a certification. The company kept saying they would send me to class but never did. I decided to pay for the training myself. I asked them if I had to take vacation time to go to class or on company time. They let me go on company time. When I showed them my cert and called their bluff they gave me the official promotion and a raise. They even reimbursed me for the training.
Then my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, led me to a better job with a larger company. I remember the admin person giving me a funny look when I showed her my Calif. Identification Card instead of a driver's license.
I also know a guy that had to do time for his 4th DUI. That's what it took for him to reach bottom. It's your choice. Is this your bottom?
BTW, he's doing fine now, but it took what it took.
My company gave me the responsibilities of the promotion without the raise and I was able to keep my job.
I got a sponsor and worked the steps. My sponsor told me I couldn't change my company... that I was powerless over people, places and things... but I could change myself. Part of the requirements for me to get the promotion was to get a certification. The company kept saying they would send me to class but never did. I decided to pay for the training myself. I asked them if I had to take vacation time to go to class or on company time. They let me go on company time. When I showed them my cert and called their bluff they gave me the official promotion and a raise. They even reimbursed me for the training.
Then my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, led me to a better job with a larger company. I remember the admin person giving me a funny look when I showed her my Calif. Identification Card instead of a driver's license.
I also know a guy that had to do time for his 4th DUI. That's what it took for him to reach bottom. It's your choice. Is this your bottom?
BTW, he's doing fine now, but it took what it took.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
Thanks for all the wonderful support, I am taking this better than I thought I was going to and just going to let nature take it's course when it does and try to live my life the best I can every day and do it 24 hours at a time! You all rock! What a wonderful community of people sharing their experience, strength, and hope!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 331
Magicman, sorry about your situation.
I am a huge phish fan and as a fan for 15 years i am not going to any shows, the reason is i can not handle the phun of the lot. One love get it together and move on my friend.
I am a huge phish fan and as a fan for 15 years i am not going to any shows, the reason is i can not handle the phun of the lot. One love get it together and move on my friend.
Why is a mouse when it spins?
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 138
I was reading this from the beginning, as if it were from a few days ago. Oops! I'm so happy to hear you're at 90 days+! Keep at it and you'll be able to face any and all coming your way! Cheers!
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