My 1001st Day One
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
My 1001st Day One
I figure that during my lifetime, I have made the decision to quit drinking at least 1000 times.
about 900 times I made it past day one
about 500 times I made it past day two
about 200 times I made it past day three
about 10 times I made it past a week
6 times I made it past a month
3 times I made it past 6 months
1 time I made it past I year without drinking
I am currently at day one again
. I am a binge drinker. For years my pattern was one night of drinking, followed by a day and night 'recovering', then the next night I would drink again. In the last couple of years my binges extended to 3-4 days and included drinking in the day.
I probably would have drunk everyday if a) I could afford it
b) I could get away with it and
c) I wasn't suffering such severe health consequences as a result of my drinking that I am terrified every time I drink I am going to die.
My last stint in rehab was a few months ago - it was actually a day programme meaning we went home each night, so I am amazed that I made it through the whole 8 weeks without drinking.
Then a couple of months ago I got sick - after about a week and a half of being very sick, and not taking care of myself because I wasn't able to, I got worn down and I gave in to temptation and relapsed.
I was in full relapse for about 3 weeks, then I tried to pull myself back out of it.
For the past few weeks, my drinking has been a lot better than it was at it's worst, but I've still been giving in about once a week. Usually when I start I don't stop for at least two days. This last time it was 3 days.
So I'm at day one again.
Currently, I am feeling achey, sick, and anxious.
I am feeling tired but I know I probably won't be able to get to sleep tonight because of feeling anxious and panicky, so I will no doubt feel like poop tomorrow as well. And I will no doubt want to drink to make that poop feeling go away.
But I really hope I don't. I'm writing this here because I want to keep a track of how many days I make it to this time, and by doing that in a public forum, though I can still maintain anonimity (thankfully) I may be more inclined to stick to it.
Or maybe not - I don't know. but I am just going to try and observe and track my progress without judging it too much, and see what happens.
Thanks .
about 900 times I made it past day one
about 500 times I made it past day two
about 200 times I made it past day three
about 10 times I made it past a week
6 times I made it past a month
3 times I made it past 6 months
1 time I made it past I year without drinking
I am currently at day one again
. I am a binge drinker. For years my pattern was one night of drinking, followed by a day and night 'recovering', then the next night I would drink again. In the last couple of years my binges extended to 3-4 days and included drinking in the day.I probably would have drunk everyday if a) I could afford it
b) I could get away with it and
c) I wasn't suffering such severe health consequences as a result of my drinking that I am terrified every time I drink I am going to die.
My last stint in rehab was a few months ago - it was actually a day programme meaning we went home each night, so I am amazed that I made it through the whole 8 weeks without drinking.
Then a couple of months ago I got sick - after about a week and a half of being very sick, and not taking care of myself because I wasn't able to, I got worn down and I gave in to temptation and relapsed.
I was in full relapse for about 3 weeks, then I tried to pull myself back out of it.
For the past few weeks, my drinking has been a lot better than it was at it's worst, but I've still been giving in about once a week. Usually when I start I don't stop for at least two days. This last time it was 3 days.
So I'm at day one again.
Currently, I am feeling achey, sick, and anxious.
I am feeling tired but I know I probably won't be able to get to sleep tonight because of feeling anxious and panicky, so I will no doubt feel like poop tomorrow as well. And I will no doubt want to drink to make that poop feeling go away.
But I really hope I don't. I'm writing this here because I want to keep a track of how many days I make it to this time, and by doing that in a public forum, though I can still maintain anonimity (thankfully) I may be more inclined to stick to it.
Or maybe not - I don't know. but I am just going to try and observe and track my progress without judging it too much, and see what happens.
Thanks .
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR bodecia!
Keep trying, be willing to try something different and new to stay sober each time, I had to be willing to do what ever it took for me to get and stay sober, I know that feeling of trying to quit thousands of times. I kept going back to drinking until I was willing to reach out for help from other alcoholics who had gotten sober and stayed sober.
Keep trying, be willing to try something different and new to stay sober each time, I had to be willing to do what ever it took for me to get and stay sober, I know that feeling of trying to quit thousands of times. I kept going back to drinking until I was willing to reach out for help from other alcoholics who had gotten sober and stayed sober.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Last December I knew I had to stop drinking. Since then I've stopped and relapsed more times than I can count. It took me from December to mid July to "practice" being sober. Now I've finally got some good sober time - 94 days - and don't want to ever drink again. I'm afraid I may not have any more recovery in me and don't want to find out by drinking again.
When I put my sobriety FIRST, when I wanted to stay sober MORE than I wanted to drink, then I was able to get and stay sober. I had to want it more than anything else. I had to want it for myself first.
Are you willing to do anything and everything to stay sober?? When you are willing to go to any length to stay sober you will be able to succeed.
I wish you all the best!:ghug3
When I put my sobriety FIRST, when I wanted to stay sober MORE than I wanted to drink, then I was able to get and stay sober. I had to want it more than anything else. I had to want it for myself first.
Are you willing to do anything and everything to stay sober?? When you are willing to go to any length to stay sober you will be able to succeed.
I wish you all the best!:ghug3
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi Bodecia, first off, want to wish you well with your desire to stop and stay stopped. I couldn't do this on my own and it's only through AA that I have got and stayed sober. I kept relapsing for almost four years after I knew I had a problem. In the end I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, so full of remorse, shame and guilt that I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober. You can do this if you really want it bad enough. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I was a champion relapser myself before I figured out what I was doing wrong.
Back when I was young and not a raging alcoholic, I was able to achieve most of my goals with diligence and tenacity. If I had an important test for school or work I would cram for it a week or to ahead of time using maximum diligence. If at first I did not succeed, I tried, tried again till I accomplished my mission using tenacity.
When I finally got around to figuring out that I was alcoholic, I attempted to use my same old tools; diligence and tenacity. I read all the best books on recovery, I went to the best AA meetings and I sought out the most respected sponsors. When I failed to achieve lasting sobriety I simply blamed it on my lack of diligence and tenacity. I sought out even better books, meetings and sponsors. Still I could not stay sober.
It was almost as if I had been thrown into a parallel universe where almost everything was the same except where my will-power was totally useless. I finally came to realize the significance of the term Higher-power. Diligence and tenacity were my power and what I needed was a power greater than myself.
Back when I was young and not a raging alcoholic, I was able to achieve most of my goals with diligence and tenacity. If I had an important test for school or work I would cram for it a week or to ahead of time using maximum diligence. If at first I did not succeed, I tried, tried again till I accomplished my mission using tenacity.
When I finally got around to figuring out that I was alcoholic, I attempted to use my same old tools; diligence and tenacity. I read all the best books on recovery, I went to the best AA meetings and I sought out the most respected sponsors. When I failed to achieve lasting sobriety I simply blamed it on my lack of diligence and tenacity. I sought out even better books, meetings and sponsors. Still I could not stay sober.
It was almost as if I had been thrown into a parallel universe where almost everything was the same except where my will-power was totally useless. I finally came to realize the significance of the term Higher-power. Diligence and tenacity were my power and what I needed was a power greater than myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 70
My awakening
It was only by me surrendering to the fact that I could not stop and resolve to die a drunk that I was able to for the first time get out of my self and realize that I had no control over my drinking. The very next day I woke up the obsession was lifted and I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to seek help. I immediately contacted my mother in law who is in AA and asked her to take me to a meeting. That first night, I got a big book and read the first 164 pages and knew that they wrote it about me.
Once and athiest/agnostic, I now believe waht they tell me that the only solution to the alcoholic problem is a spiritual one. I admitted that alcohol was only the symptom of my mental defect and that I had to treat myself to stop drinking. the 12 steps saved my life so far...
Once and athiest/agnostic, I now believe waht they tell me that the only solution to the alcoholic problem is a spiritual one. I admitted that alcohol was only the symptom of my mental defect and that I had to treat myself to stop drinking. the 12 steps saved my life so far...
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by bodychek 
for the first time get out of my self and realize that I had no control over my drinking. The very next day I woke up the obsession was lifted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone for your replies and support 
Today is day 2. As predicted, I was awake most of the night, with panic and night terrors. I finally got to sleep this morning. I woke up feeling depressed and exhausted. I stayed in bed and slept on and off most of the day till 2pm.
It is now 2.25pm, all I have achieved all day is coming on here.
Physically I feel tired and a little sick, but a lot better than I felt yesterday.
It is usually from this point in the afternoon onwards that the idea of drinking starts to build up in me, particularly If I have done nothing all day and so feel useless. Today I am going to try and ride out this urge and not give in to it.
I will hopefully post later on about how I am going with this.
Today is day 2. As predicted, I was awake most of the night, with panic and night terrors. I finally got to sleep this morning. I woke up feeling depressed and exhausted. I stayed in bed and slept on and off most of the day till 2pm.
It is now 2.25pm, all I have achieved all day is coming on here.
Physically I feel tired and a little sick, but a lot better than I felt yesterday.
It is usually from this point in the afternoon onwards that the idea of drinking starts to build up in me, particularly If I have done nothing all day and so feel useless. Today I am going to try and ride out this urge and not give in to it.
I will hopefully post later on about how I am going with this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
"It is now 2.25pm, all I have achieved all day is coming on here."
Don't worry about not doing heaps of things. You did achieve today; and considering how
you felt physically, you achieved BIG TIME.
Keep it up and it will get better for you. Keeping you in my prayer.
Don't worry about not doing heaps of things. You did achieve today; and considering how
you felt physically, you achieved BIG TIME.
Keep it up and it will get better for you. Keeping you in my prayer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Thank you Jadmack, that was a very encouraging post!
I have now made it to the end of Day 3, even though I nearly lost it tonight, after getting in a big argument with my BF ( over a torch of all the ridiculous things! ). Culminating in me telling him to go home and him leaving. It is Friday here, and he had come to stay the weekend - my weekends are usually my safe time because I don't drink when he's here, so after he left, not only was I still feeling extremely angry, but my little demon was saying "Ha ha, now we got rid of him, you are free to DRINK ALL WEEKEND, come on you know that will be getting him back, besides you are so ANGRY now you NEED something to calm down.....etc"
But I somehow got through that and didn't go to get alcohol and now I'm glad, because now I can go to bed with a clear conscience, and wake up tomorrow without feeling guilty. And get on with the things I need to do this weekend.
I have now made it to the end of Day 3, even though I nearly lost it tonight, after getting in a big argument with my BF ( over a torch of all the ridiculous things! ). Culminating in me telling him to go home and him leaving. It is Friday here, and he had come to stay the weekend - my weekends are usually my safe time because I don't drink when he's here, so after he left, not only was I still feeling extremely angry, but my little demon was saying "Ha ha, now we got rid of him, you are free to DRINK ALL WEEKEND, come on you know that will be getting him back, besides you are so ANGRY now you NEED something to calm down.....etc"
But I somehow got through that and didn't go to get alcohol and now I'm glad, because now I can go to bed with a clear conscience, and wake up tomorrow without feeling guilty. And get on with the things I need to do this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
After what the All Blacks did to us in the Bledisloe Cup this year I should be keeping quiet, but what the heck, I'll forgive you and think on the old Anzac spirit. Aussies and Kiwis fighting together. Congrats on scoring a century and entering your next one - of many for you I hope.
By the way my abf is a Kiwi and I have been over there 3 times in past 4 years. Last trip was to be a real holiday, planned to travel round South Island with Christchurch as base.
He had been sober for 15 months but he hit the beer within 10 hours of arriving and we spent all but 4 days in the same damned pub, with him staggering back to base to sleep. I called it the holiday from hell, but he said he enjoyed himself. Don't know why as he can't remember much about it. Only things I really got a chance to enjoy were the "fush and chups" and wonderful pies. One day I may go there on my own and do and see what I want to, and it won't be from a bar stool.
By the way my abf is a Kiwi and I have been over there 3 times in past 4 years. Last trip was to be a real holiday, planned to travel round South Island with Christchurch as base.
He had been sober for 15 months but he hit the beer within 10 hours of arriving and we spent all but 4 days in the same damned pub, with him staggering back to base to sleep. I called it the holiday from hell, but he said he enjoyed himself. Don't know why as he can't remember much about it. Only things I really got a chance to enjoy were the "fush and chups" and wonderful pies. One day I may go there on my own and do and see what I want to, and it won't be from a bar stool.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Hi Lizw - well at least I'm not a Snifter - they've been made extinct! 
Jadmack - Glad you liked our "feesh and cheeps", it may surprise you to know that one of our most popular brands of meat pies at the moment is 'Mrs Macs' - made in Australia!
All joking aside though, It is now day 4 and I am really hanging out to drink, I don't think i am going to make it to day 5, I am right on the verge of going to the wholesalers,
Physically I am feeling tired and sluggish, emotionally, depressed and irritated. I have been repeatedly telling my daughter to clean her room all day, she is doing about 1 minute, then giving up (which she learned off me), normally I would give up myself and just let her give up, but that's easy to do when your drinking, but being sober, I am finding more and more things unacceptable - yet I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything to change them.
So I am repeating myself like a broken record, yet not achieving anything myself. I am p****d off and frustrated with myself, my child (a product of myself), and my partner, who I still haven't spoken to since yesterday, and I have no desire to either.
I know if I drink, I am going to go backwards, and I will hate my self and my life even more, and yet I still have the urge to do it. I hope I don't, but I cannot make any promises at this point, I just don't trust myself at all.
Jadmack - Glad you liked our "feesh and cheeps", it may surprise you to know that one of our most popular brands of meat pies at the moment is 'Mrs Macs' - made in Australia!
All joking aside though, It is now day 4 and I am really hanging out to drink, I don't think i am going to make it to day 5, I am right on the verge of going to the wholesalers,
Physically I am feeling tired and sluggish, emotionally, depressed and irritated. I have been repeatedly telling my daughter to clean her room all day, she is doing about 1 minute, then giving up (which she learned off me), normally I would give up myself and just let her give up, but that's easy to do when your drinking, but being sober, I am finding more and more things unacceptable - yet I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything to change them.
So I am repeating myself like a broken record, yet not achieving anything myself. I am p****d off and frustrated with myself, my child (a product of myself), and my partner, who I still haven't spoken to since yesterday, and I have no desire to either.
I know if I drink, I am going to go backwards, and I will hate my self and my life even more, and yet I still have the urge to do it. I hope I don't, but I cannot make any promises at this point, I just don't trust myself at all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Have only just read post. Hope and pray you got thru your very "blue" time without going backwards. Just read a wonderful post from Rusty Zipper, that you might care to look at. You will find it at Newcomers to Recovery in the thread named "What is happening to SR".
You are on my prayer list and in my thoughts.
God bless you.:ghug3
You are on my prayer list and in my thoughts.
God bless you.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Thanks Jadmack,
I read the post and you're right, that was a wonderful (and scary) reminder of what is really going on.
I am almost afraid to say this, in light of the rest of the contents of that thread, but this is one of very few places I can actually be honest in, so I need to admit that I did end up drinking last night, and I have also drunk today, and yes, I do hate myself, and I am scared I will die.
But as I said at the start of this topic, my goal was to just observe how far I could get, without judging myself (pretty impossible not to though), so I got to day 4.
I hope I can increase on that next time.
I read the post and you're right, that was a wonderful (and scary) reminder of what is really going on.
I am almost afraid to say this, in light of the rest of the contents of that thread, but this is one of very few places I can actually be honest in, so I need to admit that I did end up drinking last night, and I have also drunk today, and yes, I do hate myself, and I am scared I will die.
But as I said at the start of this topic, my goal was to just observe how far I could get, without judging myself (pretty impossible not to though), so I got to day 4.
I hope I can increase on that next time.
Last edited by bodecia; 10-18-2008 at 08:38 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Day One. Again.
8.23am. I don't feel too bad. Yet. Just tired and sick.
My House is a big mess though. I don't have the energy to start on it. I don't really want to sleep all day though, I want to get a good sleeping pattern established.
8.23am. I don't feel too bad. Yet. Just tired and sick.
My House is a big mess though. I don't have the energy to start on it. I don't really want to sleep all day though, I want to get a good sleeping pattern established.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
6.36pm.
After mucking around on the computer a couple of hours, I went back to bed, and stayed there till 5.30. I do feel slighly better now (physically), and I just had something to eat. I did have some nightmares (daymares?) though. Does anyone else have bad dreams when they stop drinking? Mine are really scary, doomy, 'end-of-the-world' type dreams, lately they've been about aliens taking over the earth and torturing us (too much Dr who maybe), but before that I've had ones where I just see all these atomic mushroom clouds in the distance and I know we're all gonna die.
Anyway, I'm past the time I would normally start drinking, and I don't have any cravings to drink.
I just hope that I'm still able to get to sleep tonight, after sleeping so long today, because I don't want to be awake all night and feel like cr*p tomorrow. I really think that getting into healthy sleeping, eating etc routines is a key part of me having a successful recovery.
After mucking around on the computer a couple of hours, I went back to bed, and stayed there till 5.30. I do feel slighly better now (physically), and I just had something to eat. I did have some nightmares (daymares?) though. Does anyone else have bad dreams when they stop drinking? Mine are really scary, doomy, 'end-of-the-world' type dreams, lately they've been about aliens taking over the earth and torturing us (too much Dr who maybe), but before that I've had ones where I just see all these atomic mushroom clouds in the distance and I know we're all gonna die.
Anyway, I'm past the time I would normally start drinking, and I don't have any cravings to drink.
I just hope that I'm still able to get to sleep tonight, after sleeping so long today, because I don't want to be awake all night and feel like cr*p tomorrow. I really think that getting into healthy sleeping, eating etc routines is a key part of me having a successful recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Day 2 6.35pm
Stayed in bed all day till about 2.30pm. I did not want to get up even then, but I remembered I needed to pay a bill today, so I forced myself to get up and have a shower, get dressed and go out, even though the last thing I felt like doing was leaving the house.
I'm glad I got that done, but I am feeling pretty depressed and hopeless at the moment. I am down on myself for not getting past 4 days sober, and am questioning whether I should even try and give up, or I should just give up all together. Resigning myself to alcoholism would be comitting suicide, as sure as putting a gun to my head. I already feel half dead from the damage I have done to myself already.
I am also feeling increasingly depressed about my relationship, we have not spoken since we argued 5 days ago, and I quite frankly can't be bothered making the first move, it is usually me who is the first to try and make up after a fight, because I am scared to lose him, because I feel I don't deserve him, due to the fact I am an alcoholic. But the fact is he plays the "holier than thou" card on me all the time, and he is by no means perfect himself, but because I have an obvious problem (unlike his gambling addiction, which he can keep secret), I have become the scapegoat for both of our faults..
Anyway, I think I need him more than I love him, but this is not a good time for me to be doing deep thinking, while I'm trying not to drink, as I just get so depressed, I don't care if I drink myself to death.
Sorry about the morbid nature of this post, but I need to express this stuff instead of have it going round inside my head.
Stayed in bed all day till about 2.30pm. I did not want to get up even then, but I remembered I needed to pay a bill today, so I forced myself to get up and have a shower, get dressed and go out, even though the last thing I felt like doing was leaving the house.
I'm glad I got that done, but I am feeling pretty depressed and hopeless at the moment. I am down on myself for not getting past 4 days sober, and am questioning whether I should even try and give up, or I should just give up all together. Resigning myself to alcoholism would be comitting suicide, as sure as putting a gun to my head. I already feel half dead from the damage I have done to myself already.
I am also feeling increasingly depressed about my relationship, we have not spoken since we argued 5 days ago, and I quite frankly can't be bothered making the first move, it is usually me who is the first to try and make up after a fight, because I am scared to lose him, because I feel I don't deserve him, due to the fact I am an alcoholic. But the fact is he plays the "holier than thou" card on me all the time, and he is by no means perfect himself, but because I have an obvious problem (unlike his gambling addiction, which he can keep secret), I have become the scapegoat for both of our faults..
Anyway, I think I need him more than I love him, but this is not a good time for me to be doing deep thinking, while I'm trying not to drink, as I just get so depressed, I don't care if I drink myself to death.
Sorry about the morbid nature of this post, but I need to express this stuff instead of have it going round inside my head.
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