Living with someone that drinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Living with someone that drinks.
I've posted about this before, somewhat...but it's increasingly becoming a problem for me.
I'm currently on day 24 of sobriety. As some people may remember from a few previous posts, I've been living with my best friend for the past 6 years. We were college roommates first, then decided to move FAR away from home and buy a house together after we graduated college.
During my first few attempts at sobriety, my roommate wasn't very supportive. It wasn't until I had a serious breakdown during a 3 day long binge that she seemed to change. (I'm still not convinced my mom didn't call her about it...)
Anyway, we'd always drink together. I believe that she may be on her way to developing a drinking problem, but she's never been quite as bad as I was. Since I've stopped drinking she hasn't been drinking much at home at all. There's always beer in the fridge, which doesn't bother me all that much...However, lately she's decided that going to the bar almost every day after work for "a drink" is what she wants to do instead. (oh, and xanax mixed in here and there.)
We have three dogs, and since she's been absent I've taken to walking all three of them. I didn't mind much at first, but it's becoming a hassle. More than anything though, it's her coming home tipsy and annoying me...or coming home late during the work week and being disruptive that's really starting to get to me.
I really don't mind at all that we aren't spending as much time together... It's just that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to CO-EXIST with her. Hearing her come in late at night, spending weekends hungover... it's just not something I care to be around right now.
I've been thinking about telling her not to take it the wrong way, but that I'm finding it difficult to live with her and think it would be best if we went our separate ways. I've been looking into getting a job and moving back home to be closer to my family for some time. It's just that we have this house together...and I don't want to feel like I'm being indecent and inconsiderate in leaving. Whenever I bring up moving home, I can tell she panics and asks if I'm going to "leave her here." I know I need to do what is best for me, but I can't help but feel guilty...
I'm currently on day 24 of sobriety. As some people may remember from a few previous posts, I've been living with my best friend for the past 6 years. We were college roommates first, then decided to move FAR away from home and buy a house together after we graduated college.
During my first few attempts at sobriety, my roommate wasn't very supportive. It wasn't until I had a serious breakdown during a 3 day long binge that she seemed to change. (I'm still not convinced my mom didn't call her about it...)
Anyway, we'd always drink together. I believe that she may be on her way to developing a drinking problem, but she's never been quite as bad as I was. Since I've stopped drinking she hasn't been drinking much at home at all. There's always beer in the fridge, which doesn't bother me all that much...However, lately she's decided that going to the bar almost every day after work for "a drink" is what she wants to do instead. (oh, and xanax mixed in here and there.)
We have three dogs, and since she's been absent I've taken to walking all three of them. I didn't mind much at first, but it's becoming a hassle. More than anything though, it's her coming home tipsy and annoying me...or coming home late during the work week and being disruptive that's really starting to get to me.
I really don't mind at all that we aren't spending as much time together... It's just that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to CO-EXIST with her. Hearing her come in late at night, spending weekends hungover... it's just not something I care to be around right now.
I've been thinking about telling her not to take it the wrong way, but that I'm finding it difficult to live with her and think it would be best if we went our separate ways. I've been looking into getting a job and moving back home to be closer to my family for some time. It's just that we have this house together...and I don't want to feel like I'm being indecent and inconsiderate in leaving. Whenever I bring up moving home, I can tell she panics and asks if I'm going to "leave her here." I know I need to do what is best for me, but I can't help but feel guilty...
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Originally Posted by Lindsay 
I've been thinking about telling her not to take it the wrong way, but that I'm finding it difficult to live with her and think it would be best if we went our separate ways. I've been looking into getting a job and moving back home to be closer to my family for some time. It's just that we have this house together...and I don't want to feel like I'm being indecent and inconsiderate in leaving. Whenever I bring up moving home, I can tell she panics and asks if I'm going to "leave her here." I know I need to do what is best for me, but I can't help but feel guilty...
The discomfort you feel now living with an active alcoholic can go on for a long, long time if you choose to stay.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm....
I'd be exploring how to legally end my half of the house.
Exactly how long did the 2 of you plan on being roommates?
As I have grown and aged...my choice of friends
has changed. Perhaps that is what is happening to you?
Would I live with an active drinker?
I'd be exploring how to legally end my half of the house.
Exactly how long did the 2 of you plan on being roommates?
As I have grown and aged...my choice of friends
has changed. Perhaps that is what is happening to you?
Would I live with an active drinker?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
There is no way I could live with that. To me that's just a set up.........not saying anything but for me, no way!!! Good luck with all of that and Congrats on the 24 days, that's kick @ss!!!!!! 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Sobriety and daily life sometimes conflict, though there is always a solution. Being successful in a New Life includes basic problem solving skills and the honest useof these skillls in each and every situation. Guildance through prayer and conscious contact while actively participating with a Sponsor as you continue working the Steps will provide positive results; always remember the results may not be what I think they should be, but what a Greater Power has in store for me.
In today's housing market, it is particularly hard to sell a home, much less rent to recoup the mortgage. I do know more money going out now then what is coming has to end qucikly. Yes, a loss is most probable if this track is taken. Taking a loss now is tough, but can stem the loss in the long run. Possible solutions like renting to save the investment can be worthy, though remember that you are placing your investment in the hands of those who do not have the same regard for your home as you do. There is also the time and cost of managing your property as well.
Personal relationships with folks who exhibit active alcohol issues is always a strain at best. As a people, we struggle in interpersonal relationships to begin with and when booze is thrown into the mix it only multipules the issues. I am unable to change others no matter the situation and I must recongize early on that if anything will be different, it must come from me. Again this is a conversation to prepare for a planned program of action that would best take place with a Sponsor and with your Higher Power.
Sobriety is important; it is the foundation of my New LIfe. I did not get here by walking on the backs of others, but by spending more time on my knees asking for direction and then acting on that direction. I am responsibile today for my life.
In today's housing market, it is particularly hard to sell a home, much less rent to recoup the mortgage. I do know more money going out now then what is coming has to end qucikly. Yes, a loss is most probable if this track is taken. Taking a loss now is tough, but can stem the loss in the long run. Possible solutions like renting to save the investment can be worthy, though remember that you are placing your investment in the hands of those who do not have the same regard for your home as you do. There is also the time and cost of managing your property as well.
Personal relationships with folks who exhibit active alcohol issues is always a strain at best. As a people, we struggle in interpersonal relationships to begin with and when booze is thrown into the mix it only multipules the issues. I am unable to change others no matter the situation and I must recongize early on that if anything will be different, it must come from me. Again this is a conversation to prepare for a planned program of action that would best take place with a Sponsor and with your Higher Power.
Sobriety is important; it is the foundation of my New LIfe. I did not get here by walking on the backs of others, but by spending more time on my knees asking for direction and then acting on that direction. I am responsibile today for my life.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Couple of thoughts here Lindsay..... A couple of questions you may want to ask your self honestly:
1. Which is more important to you, your sobriety or your friend?
2. Will your friend destroy your sobriety?
If you really value both your sobriety and your friend you may want to check out Alanon, trust me, you are not the only recovering alcoholic living with or friends with a still practicing alcoholic.
Be open and honest with her, she needs to understand and know what her actions are doing to you, if you do not tell her she will never know what she could do to change things.
If you have been open and honest with her and she continues to do what she is doing then the only person that should feel any guilt is her, because she is the one being indecent and inconsiderate in continuing to do what she KNOWS bothers you.
1. Which is more important to you, your sobriety or your friend?
2. Will your friend destroy your sobriety?
If you really value both your sobriety and your friend you may want to check out Alanon, trust me, you are not the only recovering alcoholic living with or friends with a still practicing alcoholic.
I've been thinking about telling her not to take it the wrong way, but that I'm finding it difficult to live with her and think it would be best if we went our separate ways.
It's just that we have this house together...and I don't want to feel like I'm being indecent and inconsiderate in leaving.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I had a roomate like this. She is the one that eventually died from it at 36 two years ago. Years ago we lived together and her drinking wasn't in my way but was annoying. I couldn't see her like that and didn't like who she could become. She didn't eat, she drank at ungodly hours. I don't know if she remembers but I told her that I cared too much about her and I could not live under that roof watching her destroy herself. Since she was an alcoholic she was carefree and said "ok".
We were still best friends. We did go our own ways for a few years while I grew as a person and she stayed the same. I have to say it was a wise choice on my part.
There is a way to stay friends. True friends do not let something as silly as alcohol stand between them.
Good luck
We were still best friends. We did go our own ways for a few years while I grew as a person and she stayed the same. I have to say it was a wise choice on my part.
There is a way to stay friends. True friends do not let something as silly as alcohol stand between them.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Thank you to everyone for the responses!
To answer some questions, going into our housing arrangement we never really even thought about how long we'd be roommates. I guess we just assumed until one or both of us got married! We were fresh out of college and simply desperate to be on our own...so obviously not much thought went into it, haha.
My sobriety is definitely most important to me. I've been talking honestly to my mom a lot lately, and I can tell it worries her that I'm in the living situation I'm in. She wants me to come home for Thanksgiving beause she thinks I'll have too much free time on my hands being off from work. I'd just rather her not pay $350-400 to fly me home when I'm going home for 10 days over Christmas! But anyway, there is definitely some concern. We had a long convo the other night and she had recently discovered (probably through talking to her her family about ME, ugh) that my alcohlic grandfather also was a binge drinker before he entered recovery. As is her first cousin. I suppose there's no doubt where I got my problem from!
I received an email about a position I applied for in my hometown today...asking if I'd still be interested after being informed of the salary range. I definitely would...so hopefully something comes of this. If so, I think I've made my decision, which would be to move back home. I was e-mailing my dad today and he said he'd fly me home for an interview, buy me a new outfit, shoes, and a bag to match. Haha, that made me smile.
Easy to up and leave my life as it is? No...
Necessary? YES!
To answer some questions, going into our housing arrangement we never really even thought about how long we'd be roommates. I guess we just assumed until one or both of us got married! We were fresh out of college and simply desperate to be on our own...so obviously not much thought went into it, haha.
My sobriety is definitely most important to me. I've been talking honestly to my mom a lot lately, and I can tell it worries her that I'm in the living situation I'm in. She wants me to come home for Thanksgiving beause she thinks I'll have too much free time on my hands being off from work. I'd just rather her not pay $350-400 to fly me home when I'm going home for 10 days over Christmas! But anyway, there is definitely some concern. We had a long convo the other night and she had recently discovered (probably through talking to her her family about ME, ugh) that my alcohlic grandfather also was a binge drinker before he entered recovery. As is her first cousin. I suppose there's no doubt where I got my problem from!
I received an email about a position I applied for in my hometown today...asking if I'd still be interested after being informed of the salary range. I definitely would...so hopefully something comes of this. If so, I think I've made my decision, which would be to move back home. I was e-mailing my dad today and he said he'd fly me home for an interview, buy me a new outfit, shoes, and a bag to match. Haha, that made me smile.
Easy to up and leave my life as it is? No...
Necessary? YES!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Posts: 565
This is still a very painful subject for me, but I was addicted to alcohol, she to marijuana and lots of wine. I got clean, she didn't. All she ever did was beg me to quit drinking, when I did, our relationship changed for the worse. Co-dependent I guess. I got the feeling that my recovery actually hurt her. I don't know whether she felt she couldn't/didn't want to/or wasn't ready to quit.
We had to break up. It really sucks because sober we were the best couple ever. Drunk/high, the worst.
We had to break up. It really sucks because sober we were the best couple ever. Drunk/high, the worst.
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