Ready to Change

There's the normal person that goes to work every day.

There's the person that sometime has "a night" on a weeknight but still goes to work the next day. But recently that person has missed a couple of days of work. And sent emails to coworkers while intoxicated.

This person appears to be normal/stable. But has a secret.

The weekend comes. This person sometimes doesn't see the sunlight between Friday and Sunday. Will always resume normal life on Monday (always with shaky hands)

This HAS TO STOP.

Why?

I'm out of my drink, cigarettes (which I quit for many years until drinking began), and food. I can call a taxi and get to a liquor store and Dominos pizza easily. That is if I actually wash up and get dressed. I'm not going to drive. I could but at least I have the common sense not to.

I might have to go out. I went overboard last night. I just woke up. I need enough to wean myself off before Monday when I go back to work. I have this whole weekend schedule that always works but this time I messed it up.

If I planned it better it would be ok.
Do I see what I'm saying? THIS HAS TO STOP.


My time as a successful functioning alcoholic is running out.

I do need to get some cigarettes. That's harder to quit than anything.

Sorry for this message, this place is supposed to be about recovery. I'm trying to get out and meet new people but everyone wants to go to bars! I need to avoid that.

I'm a mess and sorry for this message.

I really want to die right now.

Stubborn1

If you keep going on like this there is a possiblity that you may die sooner rather then later. It sounds like you don't want that.
You see your pattern and it's up to you to make a drastic change.
There is so much to learn and the good news is it's all good news.
So the choice is up to you. Quit or don't quit.
If you find your way to an AA meeting you may find people who will pick you up until you are strong enough to drive yourself.
It's not a pretty way to die, I've seen it.
I hear the desperation in your voice like I did my best friend. She didn't make it but you still have a chance.
You are in my prayers.

SelfSeeking

Don't be sorry. You are talking about recovery. It starts when you know you can't keep doing what you're doing anymore.

Your life is on the line. Someone will take you to a meeting. You just need to make that first call.

SlvrMag

Please don't apologize for this message. Many of us find this forum in desperation. You are in the right place. Please stick around.

TooMuch4TooLong

You know you have a problem, now you have to decide what to do. You have already been given good advice, see it for what it is. Stop planning, start living. Peace.

LosingmyMisery

I bet you really don't want to die, but probably want a different life without knowing how to change it. There is a solution and I hope you can find it. Life doesn't have to be this way.

Ready to Change

Am I already at the point where my life is at risk? I believe it and I don't believe it.

I get up and go to work every day. I pay my rent and bills. Nobody in my life knows that things aren't right. I just do normal things. Until the weekend. Then it gets really bad.

I've never been normal so I shouldn't expect to be a normal alcoholic either.

SlvrMag

I used to think the exact same things. I worked and drove a nice car. I never stole. I took the kids to practice. Slept every night. Got the kids to school. But I knew something was not right. It's what you know inside that gives you the idea that something needs to change, and it can only change if you change it.

Celebration1994

I was a very succcessful functioning alcoholic. My husband and I owned a bar for 22 years. Every night I went to work, did my job and drank. To the world I was a success. I knew I had a drinking problem because every nite when I would walk in the bar at 6pm, I would pour a half full glass of scotch and slam it. Then proceed to drink and set the bar for the bartenders. By 7pm I had drank close to a 1/4 bottle of scotch and would continue drinking through the evening. At 2am we would start to lock up and by 2:30am all were gone and I would sit and continue to drink until 4am and then go home and pass out. I did this for 27 years, and to me it seemed normal. Then one morning in June of 1994, I didn't want to drink anymore and realized I did not know how to stop.

I had to go to a rehab for 28 days and join the fellowship of AA to learn how not to drink. I walked into my first few meetings afraid of everyone and ashamed. I kept going to meetings (rehab took us everynite to a meeting) and I soon heard that I could stop drinking if I took suggestions.....that was the HOPE I needed to hear. Then I was told about CHANGE, that I did not want to hear, because I was afraid of change, but I did change because I heard I could have a life without alcohol.

Biggest change for me was not drinking 1 day at a time, then signing the bar over to my husband and leaving him, then getting my GED and going to college. Today I have a life, because AA gave me hope and a life beyond my wildest dreams. I came and asked you to teach me how to not to drink 1 day at a time, and you did....but I also got happy joyous and free.....AA showed me the way and I found me. Today I have gratitute and help other alcoholics, as I must give away, what you gave to me, so I can keep it.

I hid in a bottle for 30 years and never faced real life....today I am able to live life.
Blessings & love~Terry:bbd:

SelfSeeking

You had said earlier that you've been drunk emailing coworkers, missed work, and you're showing up on Mondays with the shakes? I hate to break it to you but you sound like a "normal" alcoholic to me But hey, if it's not bottom, it's not bottom. For me wishing I was dead did it... but you're not me. No one can tell you you're done except you.

traid77

RTC, This is/was me also. My experience was that a couple days of work turned into running late all the time and at least 3 days a month absent. Then the drunk dialing became a big issue. I am finally getting a handle on things and feel really good. I hope you can get there also...I'll be thinking of you.

Traid.

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . .

Yeah, its Michael Jackson, but it's true.

tennis71

Have you talked to a professional about what your going through? Someone face to face? Another thought is to go to a meeting of AA and share what you just shared on your post. It sounds like you really want help - I hope you find it soon!

I will tell you that things can get better if you stop drinking, my life always improves when I am sober.

Take care of yourself tonight, you have all day tomorrow to recover.

:praying

Pinkcuda

What a lucky day in an Alcoholics life. The day comes that we admit that we can't drink anymore. Some of us never get to that day. Of course it's not as easy as it sounds. We can't "Not Drink" either.
When you can't drink and you can't "Not Drink" it's time to ask for help.
Go sit down in an AA meeting and tell them just what you told us.
You'll find members that range from Skid row to Soccer Moms. You're bound to find some compatibility with some of them.

Ready to Change

Well, I'm still here. It's 1:30am. I called a taxi and got a pizza, and more to drink and cigarettes. All in 1 $5 trip.

I'll do my usual Sunday thing and wind myself down. I always consider it a success if I go to work Monday and I'm not shaky.

Tomorrow, if I'm feeling better, if not then Monday, I'm going back to AA to give it another try. It hasn't worked for me in the past because I keep telling myself I still have things in control. Well I do , Monday through Friday.

I'm near suicidal on weekends when I drink.

And I'm not going to accept the "higher power" ******** or praying. That's what turned me away from AA before. I am an atheist and that's not going to change. Ever. AA should drop that bull...it turns some people away....

I need help right now but I'm not going to change who I am or what I believe. And I'm not going to pretend. I would rather die being me.

lisa1235

readytochange, i want you to know you..'' can change.''you dont have to live like that anymore.life doesnt have to be something to get threw. it should be something to live.reading youre post you were where i was 16 mos ago.sick and tired of being..sick..and soo tired of the guilt ,the shame ,the foolishness ,the hiding,the disgust.i wanted to die or either live.so i asked for help.i got the phone book and called the a/a hotline.i got hooked up to a local meeting...where there were many like me wanting for change.today i have support ,strength ,love and hope of a tommorrow one day at a time.life has so much meaning now.i hope you get to a meeting and find new meaning to life.keep us posted .im too praying 4 u:ghug3

CarolD

No AA? Ok here is a list of various recovery program
for you to explore.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Please find something that will improve your life
Obviously...drinking is not doing that for you.

Blessings

Stobert

No amount of planning kept me sober. I recommend you call the AA number in your phone book, someone will answer, anytime day or night, and offer you a solution. I wish you well, not the hell of untreated alcoholism.

paulmh

My experience is that atheism, like willpower, is soluble.

This was in the AA daily reflections this week -

"During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thougt I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realised that the dark counterbalance ofmy attitude was the constant feling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA I identifed with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for meit has been to realise that if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life just as much as anybodoys"

Soz if the typing is out - I'm in a rush to live my life one day at a time.

findingout

The problem with A.A. dropping the, as you say, "higher power" bull$@## is that it's exactly the belief in a higher power that keeps so many of us in recovery and the belief is real, it's not pretend. If you are going to use A.A. as your path to recovery, you are going to hear the word God. Deal with it. Asking others to change so you don't have to is not dealing with it.

I started A.A. without a belief in a higher power and I'm not sure that I was even willing to believe in a higher power either. I was willing to believe that the people who had found recovery through A.A. had found something real. When I started, I could have written down a a pretty good description of the "higher power" or God I didn't believe in. In my experience, no one in A.A. has ever said I had to come to believe or pretend to believe in the higher power I didn't believe in. They said I had to be willing to believe in a higher power.

If the idea of a higher power is a wall so tall that it keeps you out of recovery, there are many other paths that lead to recovery you can choose to follow. Carol gave you a link, follow it and find a recovery you can believe in.

RufusACanal

If you would rather drink and die, do so. In the end who really cares if you fade away from life; cemeteries are filled with folks who thought the same.

If you want a New Life, you must work for it, it is not free. Oh and the less drama you bring to the table the better. Living is not overrated; try it. If I can help, PM me.