painthorse60

For those of you who have gone for marriage counseling - How do you pick a good counselor? Do you find one who has addictions counseling experience or not?
On my previous thread - questions about AA, many recommended marriage counseling and I stated that he refused to go. Last night after yet another big argument caused because he chose to forgo his meeting to visit with our son, he finally agreed to go. I say the missed meeting caused the argument because he was MEAN and NASTY over missing it and I got defensive about him blaming me. Wrong - I know - and I knew it at the time, but I did it anyway : (

Anyway - I feel as if I should find someone who understands AA and its principles because that's the life he's living. To choose someone not on that page would probably be unfair to him. Many of our marital problems stem from his ( in my mind) hiding behind AA and using it to avoid our problems. If I could find someone who could look at the program and our individual needs and help us find a balance, I think that would be best.

Any insights from those of you out there who have found such a person to help you live a meaningful life with a recovering A? It's important to me to do this right becuase I truly believe it is a last ditch effort at saving a 28 year marriage!

Thanks!

cmc

You can call a mental health hotline, local rehab facililties, your local hospitals and in many areas you can dial 211 for resources too. All you have to do is ask if they have the required training for addictions counseling.

I found a great counselor through our church and another one was a preferred provider on our insurance plan.

The idea of going to marraige counseling involves the willingness of both parties. If he resists, there's no reason you can't go by yourself.
May I suggest you try Al-Anon? I highly recommend it.

Harley3801

Hi Painted Horse . . . .

I didn’t go to a therapist for marriage counseling but I did see one for several years about other issues. Here is how I went about finding someone who I knew would be able to help me.

First I went to my health insurance network’s website to get a list of therapists that were in their group.

Then I went to “Google” and typed in “how to choose a therapist” and “looking for a therapist”. Those queries (especially the first one) brought up lots of good websites that provided guidance on how to find a therapist. . . . what to look for, questions to ask, how NOT to choose a therapist.

Once I had done my research and had a gameplan, I called several people on my list and explained that I was looking for a therapist and wanted to set up an “initial interview session” to find someone who was right for me. We had a brief discussion about the kind of issues I was dealing with and if they thought they could help, we set up an initial meeting.

For each person I saw, I typed up my list of questions and printed them out and took them with me. As we talked, I took notes on their answers to my questions so I’d be able to do a good comparison once I’d gathered all my information.

Of the three people I met with, the second one was the person I chose. In addition to getting the answers to my questions, I felt an instant rapport with her. I knew before I started that I wanted a woman and I preferred having someone close to my own age. One of my issues was with my mother . . . . during our talk, she also relayed some of the issues that she’d had with her mother over the years. She didn’t present her “issues” in such a way that she was talking about her own stuff but more in the way of letting me know that she’d had to deal with some of the same things I was concerned about.

It’s really important to find someone who you feel a rapport with in addition to their having experience in the areas that are causing you concern. I ended up seeing her for about three years and our work together made a huge difference in my life.

Even if your husband doesn’t agree to go to marriage counseling, go anyway. Do it for yourself.

tennis71

CMC suggested some great ways to get in touch with a counselor and I really can't add much to the list other than if it is possible to get a word of mouth referral, maybe try that out. Now given the nature of why you are seeking a counselor, this might be above your comfort level. I have asked my physician for a referral to a counselor in the past and that worked out pretty well.

You may want to come up with a list of things that you are looking for in a counselor. When calling around, you can check off items on the list that they satisfy. Then you can see which counselor is going to fulfill the majority of you and your husbands needs and move in that direction.

No matter what, I am glad to hear that you both are going to try counseling. Good luck and my prayers go out to you and your family.

:praying

flutter

Not much more to add that wasn't already said... but you may want to try Al-Anon boards, see what they've done to help themselves too.

Take care

NoelleR

You've gotten some great replies regarding searching for a counselor, and I did post a wee bit in your other thread about AA questions.....

.....and again here, I fear I'm going to be the cynical one....I fear that whoever you may find for a counselor (if you even can find one that BOTH and you AH agree on), after a time, this counselor will say something to tick your AH off, .....and off he will go.... )o: Any counselor worth his/her fee would see past your AH's bs very soon, and would not have a problem confronting him....but alas that would only happen once, since after that your AH would no longer be a party to the counselling..... )o:

Now, I hope I haven't put you off, or offended in any way; after all, these are only my opinions.....but, like I always say about myself...., "I may not always be right, but I'm NEVER wrong." (lol--just joshin' here)....

Regardless of the outcome, I hope you're able to learn and grow, if only for yourself.....cause your are the imortant one here..... (o:


NoelleR

Boleo

Have you tried looking at these other Forums?

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - 12 step based recovery forum-(Al Anon)- for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drinking problem you'll find support here.

Relationships & Parenting In Sobriety - Talk about relationship issues as they relate to sobriety including spouses, children and familes.

PaulN

I replied to your other post and want to apologize up front if I in any way, made you feel as if I was telling you what you ought to do. I never intended to do that and hope I didn't come across that way.

As I said in that post, it's as if you're living exactly what we went through.

In our situation, going to couples counseling at first wasn't an option. She had too much resentment against AA because of me and I resented her because of that resentment. We didn't find out the root cause of our problem until later on.

At first, we each went individually to separate counselors. Later, we each signed releases with them and then moved into couple or joint counseling. For us, it worked.

I sought out someone very familiar with 12 step recovery. She sought out the expert in relationships.