Questions about AA - answers please
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
TTOSBT
great job!
a good sponsor is more than someone who takes you through the steps!That is a great example too.I like the way you and your husband treat each other.My wife and I try and do the same.It works.
the husband in question (above) seems to possibly be on a dry bender or dry drunk to me based on the information provided.
great job!
a good sponsor is more than someone who takes you through the steps!That is a great example too.I like the way you and your husband treat each other.My wife and I try and do the same.It works.
the husband in question (above) seems to possibly be on a dry bender or dry drunk to me based on the information provided.
Originally Posted by TTOSBT 
bb, sounds like we have the same sponsor! lol. Oh yeah, except mine is female.
My sponsor stressed to me after my first 60 days that it was very important that I start to learn about living a healthy life and about balance and moderation.
This included AA.
Now, that said, I absolutely participate in my recovery every day, regardless of whether I attend a meeting or not. I read my book, I call my sponsor, I pray, I write and I work on my steps. Often I will do these things before or after the kids are in bed and hubby and I have spent some time together. But he is also very supportive of my meetings. I have 3 meetings a week that I really prefer not to miss. I have told hubby that so he knows what days they are. He is completely okay with that. And one night a week he goes to the car show with his buddies. I always ask "permission" to go out with friends after the meetings if I choose to do this. I do not need permission but I want him to know that his opinion and wishes matter, they are important.
In the beginning I did not share very much about my meetings because I did not want to shove my program down his throat. I was always more than happy to share if he had questions. Now I talk more about it but again only if he seems interested. I have told my husband that he is always welcome at my meetings. I was so proud to show him off at my home meeting to see me take my 90 day token. It was really sweet too because a bunch of people went up and thanked him for sharing us with them.
And as far as the friend that is the opposite sex, uh, no. I would never do that. It is just completely disrespectful to my husband. I have male friends that I see in the meetings. I hug them, I talk to them, if one called cause he was drowning, of course I would be there for him, but my community is very clear that the men stick with the men and the women stick with the women for the most part.
You husband does not sound like he is in recovery to me. If he does not have a sponsor and does not work the steps, he is not working an AA program, he is just attending the meetings.
My sponsor stressed to me after my first 60 days that it was very important that I start to learn about living a healthy life and about balance and moderation.
This included AA.
Now, that said, I absolutely participate in my recovery every day, regardless of whether I attend a meeting or not. I read my book, I call my sponsor, I pray, I write and I work on my steps. Often I will do these things before or after the kids are in bed and hubby and I have spent some time together. But he is also very supportive of my meetings. I have 3 meetings a week that I really prefer not to miss. I have told hubby that so he knows what days they are. He is completely okay with that. And one night a week he goes to the car show with his buddies. I always ask "permission" to go out with friends after the meetings if I choose to do this. I do not need permission but I want him to know that his opinion and wishes matter, they are important.
In the beginning I did not share very much about my meetings because I did not want to shove my program down his throat. I was always more than happy to share if he had questions. Now I talk more about it but again only if he seems interested. I have told my husband that he is always welcome at my meetings. I was so proud to show him off at my home meeting to see me take my 90 day token. It was really sweet too because a bunch of people went up and thanked him for sharing us with them.
And as far as the friend that is the opposite sex, uh, no. I would never do that. It is just completely disrespectful to my husband. I have male friends that I see in the meetings. I hug them, I talk to them, if one called cause he was drowning, of course I would be there for him, but my community is very clear that the men stick with the men and the women stick with the women for the most part.
You husband does not sound like he is in recovery to me. If he does not have a sponsor and does not work the steps, he is not working an AA program, he is just attending the meetings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
An "AA Expert" ?
Hasn't read the book?
Four years sober and no fourth step?
That is not recovering from alcoholism, that is called hiding in AA, very common. I don't know if you should leave him, or stay with him - but I do believe that someone as close as a spouse should be called on their bs.
Using AA as an excuse to continue hurting those who love you most won't last long. Personally - I would consider myself in bad shape if I missed out on life because I was sitting in an AA meeting...
I skipped my 1-year birthday meeting to attend my nieces dance receital. No one at the meeting was upset, they understood! My niece would have been upset if I hadn't had made it, she looks up to me (I am her godfather afterall). All those people who put up with me for all that time, how can I possibly justify meetings being more important than life?
I can't.
Neither can AA.
Hasn't read the book?
Four years sober and no fourth step?
That is not recovering from alcoholism, that is called hiding in AA, very common. I don't know if you should leave him, or stay with him - but I do believe that someone as close as a spouse should be called on their bs.
Using AA as an excuse to continue hurting those who love you most won't last long. Personally - I would consider myself in bad shape if I missed out on life because I was sitting in an AA meeting...
I skipped my 1-year birthday meeting to attend my nieces dance receital. No one at the meeting was upset, they understood! My niece would have been upset if I hadn't had made it, she looks up to me (I am her godfather afterall). All those people who put up with me for all that time, how can I possibly justify meetings being more important than life?
I can't.
Neither can AA.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi there
I can only agree with so much of what has already been said. Have you tried Al-Anon? Someone has asked where are you in all of this and it does seem that focus is all on your husband. Also, do you have open AA meetings in your area? You could go along and see for yourself what AA is all about. Good Luck!
I can only agree with so much of what has already been said. Have you tried Al-Anon? Someone has asked where are you in all of this and it does seem that focus is all on your husband. Also, do you have open AA meetings in your area? You could go along and see for yourself what AA is all about. Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Originally Posted by Pinkcuda
Somebody that has been in AA 4 years should be far enough into recovery that they don't have to spend every night in meetings. JMO
I attended AA in my early 20s, my husband felt as you feel now. I had a sponsor and a group of friends through AA and if I wasn't in a meeting I was expected to hang with them. I was okay with it until I saw how my husband felt. We talked it out though and when I attended AA, he started attending Alanon meetings and then we both had it going on. He knew that as I progressed AA would become a different part of my life and not as much time would be spent as in the beginning of my sobriety. I think we feel left out because one is moving in a different direction then the other and its scary. I have been married to my husband for 18 years and with him for over 20. We talk and talk until we're blue in the face. My mom has had divorces and the divorce she had from my dad was due to lack of communication. In fact, she's been married 3 times and I see it in every relationship. A lesson was born from these relationships she's had and I take that lesson quite serious. Talk with your husband and if he won't listen then find something for yourself.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Paint as others have said he is not practicing AA PERIOD
1. With 4 years of sobriety he should have been through the steps quite a while ago and part of my step 9 amends to my family is spending as much QUALITY time with my family as a whole, my wife, and each child as well individually as possible, while still keeping up the needed work on my recovery.
2. AA expereince from many years has taught AA that when it comes to recovery it is men with men and women with women. Yes there have been times in committee work I have done service work with women, but I do not call women in the program on a regular basis nor do women call me on a regular basis. I have one woman who calls me about once a month, but only in regards to me buying coffee, sugar, or creamer for my home group and that is it!!!
As others have said, I would suggest going to Alanon, with or without him, I would also some time in the future tell him to read the BB and explain to you what step 9 is all about and how it applies to his family.
Real AA recovery is not about going to meetings every night, real AA recovery is about learning to balance ones life in all areas keeping recovery right in the middle of it all.
Living life on lives terms and not living in meetings.
Keep in touch, look out for your self and let him know that you know that whaty he is doing in regards to his family in not AA or recovery of any type.
Real recovery whether it is AA or any other program is about becoming a contributing factor to society and family.
1. With 4 years of sobriety he should have been through the steps quite a while ago and part of my step 9 amends to my family is spending as much QUALITY time with my family as a whole, my wife, and each child as well individually as possible, while still keeping up the needed work on my recovery.
2. AA expereince from many years has taught AA that when it comes to recovery it is men with men and women with women. Yes there have been times in committee work I have done service work with women, but I do not call women in the program on a regular basis nor do women call me on a regular basis. I have one woman who calls me about once a month, but only in regards to me buying coffee, sugar, or creamer for my home group and that is it!!!
As others have said, I would suggest going to Alanon, with or without him, I would also some time in the future tell him to read the BB and explain to you what step 9 is all about and how it applies to his family.
Real AA recovery is not about going to meetings every night, real AA recovery is about learning to balance ones life in all areas keeping recovery right in the middle of it all.
Living life on lives terms and not living in meetings.
Keep in touch, look out for your self and let him know that you know that whaty he is doing in regards to his family in not AA or recovery of any type.
Real recovery whether it is AA or any other program is about becoming a contributing factor to society and family.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
An "AA Expert" ?
Hasn't read the book?
Four years sober and no fourth step?
That is not recovering from alcoholism, that is called hiding in AA, very common.
I agree 100%
I could not have made 6 months sober with out doing the steps..I never met a expert yet,doubt if Bill W and Bob S would consider themselves a expert
Hasn't read the book?
Four years sober and no fourth step?
That is not recovering from alcoholism, that is called hiding in AA, very common.
I agree 100%
I could not have made 6 months sober with out doing the steps..I never met a expert yet,doubt if Bill W and Bob S would consider themselves a expert
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
You're "stalking him" because you want to attend Alanon meetings ? I would think he would be supportive of that.
I suggest then you just start getting on with your own life.Plan your own events and activities. Let him know he's welcome to participate if he wants but start enjoying yourself whether he's there or not.
I suggest then you just start getting on with your own life.Plan your own events and activities. Let him know he's welcome to participate if he wants but start enjoying yourself whether he's there or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: IL
Posts: 108
I did a double take when I first read your post, assuming you were my wife. But hearing you’re married almost 30 years and that he’s been sober 4, made me realize it wasn’t.
Here’s how I used to live after getting to AA and not drinking:
• I consciously chose to attend "Anything" Anonymous meetings under the guise of Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning, the problem of the day was discussed and rather than the solution. No one else’s fault, that was all mine.
• I picked & chose the way I worked the steps. My first 4th (inventory) did not contain ALL my fears, resentments, sex conduct & harm to others nor did it contain a column 4. Rather, it was a biography.
• My first 5th was done half-baked at best and the human I shared it with, was picked specifically based upon my knowing he'd not push me to focus on "connecting the dots".
• Skipped what I feel are two of the most important steps, 6 & 7.
• My first 8th consisted only of "easy" people to make amends with.
• My first 9th, were apologies ... not amends.
• Did no 10th on a regular basis
• Missed the concept of 11 and rather, continued praying for what I wanted.
• Picked and chose what alcoholics I wanted to “carry the message” to.
I was married 22 years when I too found a woman in AA "who understood me" better than the woman I asked to marry me. I was 17 years sober. I justified & rationalized, that my wife & I had grown apart due to the fact that she couldn’t understand me like this alcoholic woman.
Our marriage was not horrible, but it wasn't what either of us "signed up for", as you stated. Life was better because I didn’t drink, but her & I were not in a partnership. We had two daughters in their late teens, we focused solely on them and doing all we could to help ensure they chose good paths, etc. When it came to her & I, we were in love but the love was based upon being a good father or mother, the jobs we did around the home and things of that sort. Who we each lost some where in time, is who that other person was sitting across from us.
Call it my conscious, God or what ever you will. The day came where I couldn't stand living with myself yet again. I sat her down and came completely clean. For the second time in our marriage, I crushed her ... the woman who so many years ago, I deemed as being my partner for life. I never had a physical relationship with the AA woman, but it was a very emotional affair. I later learned, this to be the worst kind.
I sought professional counseling and my wife did too. We progressed to joint counseling. I faced myself and honestly admitted I had not put a quarter of the effort into my recovery that I did in trying to get a drink so many years ago. I changed ALL my meetings. I sought a sponsor who actually lives AA outside of the rooms. I found one with 44 years and who had the experiences of what I had done. I worked the 12 steps sincerely & honestly and I do everything in my power, to live them in my life on a daily basis.
A person, who ascribes to being a member of AA exclusively under our 3rd tradition without the honest effort of working AA, is someone who has untreated alcoholism. This MAY be your husband.
I can’t & won’t tell you what to do. But I shared what I did. Maybe, there’s something in it that will move you to action, what ever that may be. I will say this (and probably take a beating for doing so), I don’t ascribe to this concept of “out growing” my mate. If my mate were a practicing alcoholic while I was trying to be sober myself, that’s one issue. But if after being in recovery I say to my mate, I’ve out grown you or we’ve grown apart and leave without any effort at all with some help to try to save it, I’m running away.
I did not save my marriage nor did my wife. WE saved our marriage. For me, It would not have been possible without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, professional help and a faith in GOD as I understand Him. For my wife, it was her unshakable faith in God, what she learned oh so many years ago in Alanon and what she said, was the commitment that she made in front of all our friends & family at the alter the day we wed.
She told me not so long ago. “I know I can live my life without you. There was a time, I didn’t think I could. God will never leave me … no matter what happens between you & I. I want to be with you, because I love you for you and for what I know can be an incredible journey as partners”.
I’m 20 years sober and love this woman more than I did the day I married her. God willing, we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary in May of 09'. I still attend AA meetings 3 times a week. I attend men’s groups and step study & application meetings. I don’t do “Anything” Anonymous any more and know that if I don’t make a conscious effort each and every day to care more about you than I do myself, I won’t be far from picking up a drink. If this is truly a progressive disease, I’m dead if I drink.
You love your husband … I hear it & feel it in the way you wrote. You well know, you can’t change him. But you can damn sure do something about you. Do what ever you have to do to be OK with YOU. Always remember, you are not alone. Wish I could say it’ll be easy, but I won’t lie .. this type of thing sucks.
I’m going to pray that God shows you His will and that He gives you the strength to see what that is and the power to carry it out.
Here’s how I used to live after getting to AA and not drinking:
• I consciously chose to attend "Anything" Anonymous meetings under the guise of Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning, the problem of the day was discussed and rather than the solution. No one else’s fault, that was all mine.
• I picked & chose the way I worked the steps. My first 4th (inventory) did not contain ALL my fears, resentments, sex conduct & harm to others nor did it contain a column 4. Rather, it was a biography.
• My first 5th was done half-baked at best and the human I shared it with, was picked specifically based upon my knowing he'd not push me to focus on "connecting the dots".
• Skipped what I feel are two of the most important steps, 6 & 7.
• My first 8th consisted only of "easy" people to make amends with.
• My first 9th, were apologies ... not amends.
• Did no 10th on a regular basis
• Missed the concept of 11 and rather, continued praying for what I wanted.
• Picked and chose what alcoholics I wanted to “carry the message” to.
I was married 22 years when I too found a woman in AA "who understood me" better than the woman I asked to marry me. I was 17 years sober. I justified & rationalized, that my wife & I had grown apart due to the fact that she couldn’t understand me like this alcoholic woman.
Our marriage was not horrible, but it wasn't what either of us "signed up for", as you stated. Life was better because I didn’t drink, but her & I were not in a partnership. We had two daughters in their late teens, we focused solely on them and doing all we could to help ensure they chose good paths, etc. When it came to her & I, we were in love but the love was based upon being a good father or mother, the jobs we did around the home and things of that sort. Who we each lost some where in time, is who that other person was sitting across from us.
Call it my conscious, God or what ever you will. The day came where I couldn't stand living with myself yet again. I sat her down and came completely clean. For the second time in our marriage, I crushed her ... the woman who so many years ago, I deemed as being my partner for life. I never had a physical relationship with the AA woman, but it was a very emotional affair. I later learned, this to be the worst kind.
I sought professional counseling and my wife did too. We progressed to joint counseling. I faced myself and honestly admitted I had not put a quarter of the effort into my recovery that I did in trying to get a drink so many years ago. I changed ALL my meetings. I sought a sponsor who actually lives AA outside of the rooms. I found one with 44 years and who had the experiences of what I had done. I worked the 12 steps sincerely & honestly and I do everything in my power, to live them in my life on a daily basis.
A person, who ascribes to being a member of AA exclusively under our 3rd tradition without the honest effort of working AA, is someone who has untreated alcoholism. This MAY be your husband.
I can’t & won’t tell you what to do. But I shared what I did. Maybe, there’s something in it that will move you to action, what ever that may be. I will say this (and probably take a beating for doing so), I don’t ascribe to this concept of “out growing” my mate. If my mate were a practicing alcoholic while I was trying to be sober myself, that’s one issue. But if after being in recovery I say to my mate, I’ve out grown you or we’ve grown apart and leave without any effort at all with some help to try to save it, I’m running away.
I did not save my marriage nor did my wife. WE saved our marriage. For me, It would not have been possible without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, professional help and a faith in GOD as I understand Him. For my wife, it was her unshakable faith in God, what she learned oh so many years ago in Alanon and what she said, was the commitment that she made in front of all our friends & family at the alter the day we wed.
She told me not so long ago. “I know I can live my life without you. There was a time, I didn’t think I could. God will never leave me … no matter what happens between you & I. I want to be with you, because I love you for you and for what I know can be an incredible journey as partners”.
I’m 20 years sober and love this woman more than I did the day I married her. God willing, we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary in May of 09'. I still attend AA meetings 3 times a week. I attend men’s groups and step study & application meetings. I don’t do “Anything” Anonymous any more and know that if I don’t make a conscious effort each and every day to care more about you than I do myself, I won’t be far from picking up a drink. If this is truly a progressive disease, I’m dead if I drink.
You love your husband … I hear it & feel it in the way you wrote. You well know, you can’t change him. But you can damn sure do something about you. Do what ever you have to do to be OK with YOU. Always remember, you are not alone. Wish I could say it’ll be easy, but I won’t lie .. this type of thing sucks.
I’m going to pray that God shows you His will and that He gives you the strength to see what that is and the power to carry it out.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
painthorse60,
I believe that the Book, Alcoholics Anonymous has some of the answers you are seeking. I am posting a link, so you can have a starting point. I disagree with some posting here who freely give marital advise as if their success in this area gives them some special insight; talk to a professional. Most Alcoholics can't get recovery right let alone marriage, but you can be sure we have an opinion on everything. Spiritual Advisors and Professional Counselors can provide you support, direction and hopefully answers.
Chapter Eight
TO WIVES
With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men. But what we have said applies quite as much to women. Our activities in behalf of women who drink are on the increase. There is every evidence that women regain their health as readily as men if they follow our suggestions.
But for every man who drinks others are involved - the wife who trembles in fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting away.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
I believe that the Book, Alcoholics Anonymous has some of the answers you are seeking. I am posting a link, so you can have a starting point. I disagree with some posting here who freely give marital advise as if their success in this area gives them some special insight; talk to a professional. Most Alcoholics can't get recovery right let alone marriage, but you can be sure we have an opinion on everything. Spiritual Advisors and Professional Counselors can provide you support, direction and hopefully answers.
Chapter Eight
TO WIVES
With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men. But what we have said applies quite as much to women. Our activities in behalf of women who drink are on the increase. There is every evidence that women regain their health as readily as men if they follow our suggestions.
But for every man who drinks others are involved - the wife who trembles in fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting away.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
Last edited by RufusACanal; 09-26-2008 at 10:17 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Thanks for the links and the reminder that maybe the Big Book has some answers for me. I'll have to find the darned thing - I read it when he first got it after detox 4 years ago, but I think it's time to go back and reread. Goodness knows it's wherever I put it since he has never opened it!
So many of you have recommended Al Anon - that is not really an option for me because there is only one meeting in my area and it's the same place and time as his home group's meeting. WHen I mentioned going, he accused me of stalking him to his meeting. With so many AA meetings, I was shocked to find out that there are hardly any Al Anons. I thought I was just looking for information in the wrong places, but I called the national number and they confirmed what I had discovered.
The open meeting thing is a problem too. Of all the meetings in our area, only ONE is an open meeting. It's on Saturday during the day - and he works. I have gone to his anniversary meetings with him in the past - another is coming up this month, but I don't think I'll be welcome. The anniversary meetings are the only open ones around here. Sometimes living in a rural area has its disadvantages.
He has agreed to go for counseling. Now I just have to find the right counselor and pray that he follows through. He is notorious for agreeing to go somewhere or do something and cancelling out at the last minute. I have started a new thread for any advice on selecting an appropriate counselor. Hopefully I can get the right one and we can work through some of our issues. Scary because so much is at stake.
Thanks for all your replies - they are greatly appreciated.
So many of you have recommended Al Anon - that is not really an option for me because there is only one meeting in my area and it's the same place and time as his home group's meeting. WHen I mentioned going, he accused me of stalking him to his meeting. With so many AA meetings, I was shocked to find out that there are hardly any Al Anons. I thought I was just looking for information in the wrong places, but I called the national number and they confirmed what I had discovered.
The open meeting thing is a problem too. Of all the meetings in our area, only ONE is an open meeting. It's on Saturday during the day - and he works. I have gone to his anniversary meetings with him in the past - another is coming up this month, but I don't think I'll be welcome. The anniversary meetings are the only open ones around here. Sometimes living in a rural area has its disadvantages.
He has agreed to go for counseling. Now I just have to find the right counselor and pray that he follows through. He is notorious for agreeing to go somewhere or do something and cancelling out at the last minute. I have started a new thread for any advice on selecting an appropriate counselor. Hopefully I can get the right one and we can work through some of our issues. Scary because so much is at stake.
Thanks for all your replies - they are greatly appreciated.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by painthorse60
So many of you have recommended Al Anon - that is not really an option for me because there is only one meeting in my area and it's the same place and time as his home group's meeting. WHen I mentioned going, he accused me of stalking him to his meeting. With so many AA meetings, I was shocked to find out that there are hardly any Al Anons. I thought I was just looking for information in the wrong places, but I called the national number and they confirmed what I had discovered.
GOOD LUCK! wish you peace of mind
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...So many of you have recommended Al Anon - that is not really an option for me because there is only one meeting in my area and it's the same place and time as his home group's meeting. WHen I mentioned going, he accused me of stalking him to his meeting..."
Stalking (?) him to his meeting....? No, you would be going to YOUR Alanon meeting, and he would be going to his AA meeting (er....mebbe he ISN'T going?).....
Actually, I just went back and reread all the posts here; from your original post w/questions thru all the responses, and your replies to some of the suggestions made.....
I hate to sound cynical here, but it sounds like your H, although he's 'going to AA' it doesn't sound like he's in recovery (4 years and no 4th step yet? sponsor moved and no new one yet? still 'has' to go to a meeting every day...and spend so much time with other recovering folks?).....it also sounds like, of course, he doesn't want you going to Alanon, or to any open meetings (I got a question about that in a sec).....or read the BB, or get any info......cause.....you'd then be able to spot him in his BS, of which there's a LOT!!!
Now, about there not being any open meetings around where you are....are you sure; I've always found that the majority of meetings are open, with a smatering of closed ones.....gee! If all the meetings around you are closed, what is a newcomer supposed to do?...after all, closed meetings should be limited to alcoholics only and/or folks who freely admit they are alcoholics; so, how's a newcomer supposed to know....?
My only suggestion for you would be that you do what YOU feel is right for YOU, and searching and getting as much information on alcoholism and recovery as you can is a good thing.... (o: So, keep on searching, and questioning.....learning is fun.....
NoelleR
Stalking (?) him to his meeting....? No, you would be going to YOUR Alanon meeting, and he would be going to his AA meeting (er....mebbe he ISN'T going?).....
Actually, I just went back and reread all the posts here; from your original post w/questions thru all the responses, and your replies to some of the suggestions made.....
I hate to sound cynical here, but it sounds like your H, although he's 'going to AA' it doesn't sound like he's in recovery (4 years and no 4th step yet? sponsor moved and no new one yet? still 'has' to go to a meeting every day...and spend so much time with other recovering folks?).....it also sounds like, of course, he doesn't want you going to Alanon, or to any open meetings (I got a question about that in a sec).....or read the BB, or get any info......cause.....you'd then be able to spot him in his BS, of which there's a LOT!!!
Now, about there not being any open meetings around where you are....are you sure; I've always found that the majority of meetings are open, with a smatering of closed ones.....gee! If all the meetings around you are closed, what is a newcomer supposed to do?...after all, closed meetings should be limited to alcoholics only and/or folks who freely admit they are alcoholics; so, how's a newcomer supposed to know....?
My only suggestion for you would be that you do what YOU feel is right for YOU, and searching and getting as much information on alcoholism and recovery as you can is a good thing.... (o: So, keep on searching, and questioning.....learning is fun.....
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
"I believe that the Book, Alcoholics Anonymous has some of the answers you are seeking. I am posting a link, so you can have a starting point. I disagree with some posting here who freely give marital advise as if their success in this area gives them some special insight; talk to a professional."
What advice exactly was given that you disagree so vehemently with Rufus?? I would love to know. Are we not suppose to share what's worked for us?
Most Alcoholics can't get recovery right let alone marriage, but you can be sure we have an opinion on everything.
Sorry but that's a pretty broad generalization. I know many that have gotten recovery right and wait - MANY have gotten marriage right also. Please forgive us for giving advice when asked and really, I thought SR was a place for support, opinions and stories on what's worked for us.
What advice exactly was given that you disagree so vehemently with Rufus?? I would love to know. Are we not suppose to share what's worked for us?
Most Alcoholics can't get recovery right let alone marriage, but you can be sure we have an opinion on everything.
Sorry but that's a pretty broad generalization. I know many that have gotten recovery right and wait - MANY have gotten marriage right also. Please forgive us for giving advice when asked and really, I thought SR was a place for support, opinions and stories on what's worked for us.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by painthorse60
Apparently there is only one Al Anon meeting in my area. I called the national number and have done some research of my own. Unfortunately this meeting is the same time and place as his home group's meeting.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Horselover,
Congrats on four months of a New Life. I truly hope you have found some form of recovery that includes changing everything in your life, not everyone around your life.
I needed to vent; didn't think I needed to explain my venting. I generalize when I vent; didn't think I needed to explain my generalizations. If you want to discuss this further, please PM me. Best to you in all.
Congrats on four months of a New Life. I truly hope you have found some form of recovery that includes changing everything in your life, not everyone around your life.
I needed to vent; didn't think I needed to explain my venting. I generalize when I vent; didn't think I needed to explain my generalizations. If you want to discuss this further, please PM me. Best to you in all.
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