sugErspun

So, giving up for your aunt didn't work. (just in reviewing your first post in this thread - it states that THIS time you have a better reason to quit). Not to mention the "I don't even miss it" line.

What's the plan this time? What is it going to take?

The first post in this thread is full of determination, reading it I have to ask myself "Why did this person do something they just committed themselves to NOT doing?". but...I think I know why. At least for me, I did the same thing over and over and over again - usually I did not make a public announcement about it, but I did swear off. Isn't such a weird thing to say you aren't going to do something, and then do it anyways? It's not like you said you WERE gonna do something and fell short...

What if I post on here that I am not going to steal anything today and give all these great reasons why (I don't need to, it's wrong etc), then on Tuesday I post "well, that night I stole something from the local market"? Kind of insane.

I am an alcoholic - that means I can't just choose not to drink, it's like choosing not to breath, might work for 'a little while'. Instead of eliminating alcohol (which it appears you cannot do), maybe take a look into the possibility that you have alcoholism, and cannot just 'decide' to quit drinking.

Maybe you learned something over those 5 days...not that you 'CAN' do it, rather you CANNOT. That, or just try harder next time. It's up to you.

VeritasAequitas

Thanks again guys it means a lot.

Sug,

I understand you're coming from a good place when you wrote that but keep in mind it's not easy to admit being wrong to myself or to a group of people.

With all due respect on day one I'd just like some support, you can save the lectures for day three thanks.

CarolD

Many of us had false starts on our way to sobriety.
Day 1 is better than Day Zero.

FightingIrish

I spent yesterday afternoon with a good friend who was drinking alcoholically in front of me. I mean, passing out on the couch, going into the bathroom to vomit, stumbling across his living room. He basically drank all day and did not stop until he was asleep or kneeling by the toilet. The purpose of my visit was to help fix his computer but it turned into a sort of odd twelve step call.

I feel sometimes that being in the rooms for about a year has made alcoholism into a bit of an abstraction...I have not had occasion to do a "Twelve Step call" and don't even know how I would find such an occasion. (Don't regularly visit hospitals or drying out places but perhaps I should find a partner and start...)

This is a person who wants to get sober and is constantly saying, "this is it - never again". He also managed to get about 45 days in the program when I first met him. He has also identified plenty of reasons to quit drinking: a girl, his job, his health, his reputation, his happiness...none of those things seem to work.

The whole thing felt so strange yet easily so familiar at the same time. All I have to do is go to the X-Mart and pick up a twelve pack and I am right there again. I'm still not really sure why I don't do that, but I don't, and the thought of drinking while sitting there in a vodka-smelling room didn't even occur to me. Anyway, watching this person drink himself into oblivion was a brutal reminder of powerlessness.

M

Hawkeye1926

That part stood out to me in your post (the underlined). I can relate, I think. That's all I would have to do, yet I ask myself if it's worth it...do I really want that type of life? I have been in situations similar to yours, where everyone around me is at some level of intoxication, and I just remove myself emotionally and mentally from the situation and focus on myself for a bit. Never a dull moment when it's used for a little self reflection.

Tazman53

Glad you are back on the wagon Veritas, so what are you going to try different this time?

VeritasAequitas

Wow - what a difference a day makes! I feel so much better than yesterday, not quite 100% but 1000% better than yesterday.

I want to thank everyone for their replies, even if I didn't want to hear them yesterday. Also, I'm not a big fan of the "thanks button" on this site so I use it sparingly (I think it contributes to a bit of a popularity contest) - just know that I really appreciate your comments.

I've picked up a book to supplement "Under the Influence" - which claims alcoholism as a disease...it's called Rational Recover - which claims alcoholism is anything but a disease, rather a "beast" of a thought process(es). Frankly, I don't care what it is - but I like reading conflicting opinions to become better informed.

Taz,
This time I'm not going to shut my girlfriend out who is a really great support for me.
This time I'm going to play the tape through...feeling like I did yesterday was terrible and not worth the fun and escapism I got over the weekend.

doorknob

Thanks for sharing, Veritas. If the RR perspective clicks with you at all, you may want to check out SMART Recovery®. They have some helpful exercises there for examining faulty thought processes.

Tazman53

As doorknob suggested, keep trying different things until something clicks.

The last thing you want to do is to close your mind to anything without first trying it with your all.

No matter what you try, if you go into it with the mindset "This is not going to work, but I will try it any how, you have set your self up for failure, instead go into anything you try with the attitude that "This will work for me." Forget all preconcieved ideas or prejudices, open your mind to new things, do not close it.

The one thing you swear will never work may very well be the thing that does if you try it with an honest, open minded willingness to give it your all.

Remember that if you make a half arsed effort at anything you will always wind up with half arsed results!

VeritasAequitas

Thanks DK and Taz,

I'll have to check out SMART...

I have no issue with God or believing in Him - I also have no issue with people that don't share my beliefs.

I believe it's AA that says, "take what you want...leave the rest." That's basically what I'm doing - reading things that I can relate to (if not that's one less thing to consider).

I have so many books about sobriety and recovery that I haven't read it's really sad...it's as if I thought by buying them I'd be cured without even reading them! Ah the mind of an alcoholic...

Well it's day three so let the lectures begin!

VeritasAequitas

Day four,

Just checking in, still a little foggy but in good spirits. The insanity of why I drank to begin with is starting to set in...and that's a good thing.

Lenina

It's good to see you again!

Love,

Lenina

VeritasAequitas

Day 5 check in.

Feel fine, less cloudy in the ol' noggin.

I'm more than halfway to a week which is good I guess - this is about the time that I start thinking I'm stronger than alcohol and can drink again. I don't feel that way right now but I know it's coming and I have to be watchful.

eleanor11

The instant you get that feeling you lift the phone and call a member. This disease is cunning, it tricks to believe you can go back out there and be in control. You can't. One drink is never enough for an alcoholic, we crave it with deadly results....always.

Keep strong, change your routine, call a friend....do anything but don't take that first drink. Good luck!