Cherryxxx

HI people, and thanks to all you who replied to my previous posts :-) i havent been on here for a while and havent had chance to say thanks 4 ur advice yet...

I just wondered what u all think of this? Im 25 and been drinking since i was 16,....always been very very shy and introverted, and bad anxiety problems and not very good at socialising etc so feeling very empty and alone lately...like something is missing from my life....i quit drinking 5 months ago....but i just want to know if people think i am really bad enough to be classed as someone witr an alcohol problem and to be able to be suffering from symptoms such as PAWS, because the first 3 months i was sober i felt GREAT....but the past 2 i feel i have bad mood swings,,one day i am fine and motivated and positive and the next, like today i feel down with no energy and moody,....(ive always been kinda a moody person anyway so is it justt he real me coming back or could it be my body adjusting to being sober??).....and i keep having epiisodes where i feel soooo low and i think i could call it depressed....like just now, i lay on my bed for about half an hour, just feeling weird, and what i would call depressed.....and then suddenly 5 mins ago i snapped out of it.....weird.....i dont know if this is just me or because of the alcohol?

I feel terrible guilt about everything all the time, things that are stupid, but ive always been like that i think....also ive never had any confidence ever. i just want to know does anyone think this is normal for me to be goin through? is this what the rest of my life will be like sober or could it really be "PAWS" or my body and mind recovering and itll improve as time goes by? i feel like ive messed up my life...im a horrible!!!! person when drunk and ive made so many people hate me the past decade and now all of a sudden it feels kind of like ive "woken up" (its hard to explain)....kind of like the past decade has been a dream in a way....and im left with no friends really because ive not othered with people and hurt people while being drunk and i didnt think i needed friends...and i feel like i havent got any social skills now and ive just totally messed up.....i have wasted so much of my young life on drinking and negative things and being a person who i really am not. i feel so far behnd eveyone else of my age.........i dont know what i should e doing, where i shouldbe etc.....i feel alt younger than my actual age and i feel isolated because all people my age have moved on etc..like i say, it literally feels like ive just woken up and everythings changed?? everones grown up and im right at the beginning......

And lately, all i am thinking about is that i dont want anyone to die eg my family....!!!!! that is the biggest thing in my head at the min...........i know that ot happens to everyone etc etc and i am trying so hard with positive thinking and have gotten into buddhism a bit and have tried to come to terms with the reality of death etc, but te pain i feel when it comes in my head is unearable.....i cant explain it....

i started a new job as a preschool assistant and i feel like its a rubbiss job and i should be much gher up and im useless etc etc....but i have always been the type of person to say id rather do a job i love and get paid less than do something like sales and hate it......but its like i feel like im never good enough, ever!! nothing i do ever feels good enough.......i broke down crying the other day to my mum and had a go at her which i feel REALLY guilty about cos shes the best mum and i didnt mean to take anything out on her but i started saying things like she makes me feel like im nothing cos shed rather sit on the phone and talk to someone else than have a conversation wit me....i told her i hate myself....i feel like no one likes me,

i have tried sooooo hard the past 5 years to change my negative beliefs blah blah and i have imprived SO much compared to what i used to be like, but lately i just feel negative and like i have a victim attitude again and it annoys me....i annoy myself.....i know how annoying negative people are and i really dont wana be like this...i am on a proper rollercoaster, thats the best way to describe it ;-) haha......i wanna know how to loosen up and relax...


OOOOhhhh yeah...the whole reason i started this was to ask if u all thought im bad enough to be experiencing PAWS and be going through "recovery"...ive never drunk daily all day........never drunk in the mornings....(well, except on the very odd occasion with my friend(s) to carry on drinking after a night out and to drink all that day then go out the next night, but it makes me feel sick the thought of drinking with a hangover)......The way i drink is i binge....i go out clubbing and i can tell myself ill have a couple and it never ends u that way...i always end up worse (drunk) than my friends and i always end up doing something i regret and feel ashamed of...either hurting someone, saying something, acting like an idiot etc...and i feel depressed for days afterwards and tell myself i dont wanna drink ever again...and then the hangover and guilt starts to subside after several days or a week and i start to get te urge to drink again...my head will say things like it wsnt really THAT bad last week, you only did what everyone else deoes, your young, you are allowed to make a fool of yourself like that sometimes, we only live once so why not do what u enjoy, everyone else can do it so why should i not be allowed to go out and feel comfortable and have a good time? etc.....and i end up doing it over and over again,....this has been the pattern of the past 9/10 years....but over the past few years (4/5 roughly) i have been trying to cut down or quit.....i started with oing a week without drinking, then i did 1 month of no drinking quite a lot of times, then i managed to go 3 months at the end of last year (2/3 months before i got sober this time), but the whole time i was sober for those 3 months, all i thought about was replacing the alcohol with something else....i tried weed, caffiene, kava kava, relaxing herbal teas spice gold which i bought off the internet (herbal high stuff) and im very sensitive to the effects of things like weed so i had a few bad experiences wit that and got really depressed....all i didn was try to find something to give me the same effect alcohol did...to lower my inhibitions and give me confidence ive never had,a nd to allow me to socialise and feel comfortable doing so...the way i drink is once i start i cant stop.....i drink a LOT when im drinking, i drink til i pass out sometimes, or until i am in such a state i dont rememebr a thing.....i can go for periods of time without drinking, but once i start, i cant stop, even if i have one glass of wine one night and stick to it, there will be abother night i will have two, then more and more and ill always end up out of my face one night and back to where i started.........totally out of control......so i go for months getting drunk often and then something really ad will happen, something that shocks me into stopping and then ill go fro months not drinking........i am sick of the pattern, the same thing going round and round again.........i turn violent and really evil when im drunk and hate who i become when im drunk...but even though im like that drunk i sometimes feel like im better drunk cos im more interesting and not boring and quiet like i am sober and no body notices me....at least i can be loud and make people laugh when im drunk (even though over the years i have come to realise that people are probably laughing AT me, not with me :-( .) I just want people to liek e, and to feel part of something...i feel like im so alone and not connected to everyone else..everyone else has their little groups of friends but i have 2 or 3.....but i dont really bother talking to them much cos i get parnoid talkig to people and it feels like such a big drain of my energy cos all i do is watch myself and what im doin and saying and tell myself im stupid...so i usually prefer to be alone because it makes me feel more secure and comfortable.....:-/ i feel like i am being fake when i talk to people cos i smile and say things i dont even care about.....am i just depressed ? its like im not interested in what other people are....i hate small talk......so what im trying to ask is do you think i have an alcohol problem enough to be going through recovery and


But this time being sober i have been sober for the longest time so far 5 months...i manage to stay sober longer each time i quit drinking, which i think is a positive sign :-) ...and throughout this time being sober i have tried to work on myself and (like i mentioned before), i have recently become interested in buddhism and have been trying to change myself inside and become more positive and love myself etc, and i have felt wonderful!! at times...but its always up and down....i feel low in motivation at the minute and like i just want to say forget it all, its too much, and just go out and get drunk....but other times i am so motivated, and i feel so positive aout my future and am planning how to make my life more meaningful and organising things to do, for instance im planning to run the london marathon 2010 and positive things like that.....

Does anybody understand where im coming from?? Has anyone gone through this? Is it normal to feel like this after 5 months and does it change? how do you keep on track and not give up?

I apologise for ramling and if this doesnt make sense as i have literally just typed things as they came in my head and it has all come out as a big mess.......lol :-)

If anyone can understand what i mean, and give any advice though, i will appreciate it loads :-D I just feel alone and want someone to understand what im going through. I just want to know if people think my drinking is bad enough for me to consider myself in recovery (because i dont drink all day every day like a lot of alcoholics do) and could i be suffering from PAWS or is that only something alcoholics that drink all day every day suffer from? Does anybody have a sort of timeline of things to expect during the first year of sobriety, such as the mental and physical changes that the body will go through etc, so i know what to expect and that im not going crazy.....i am doing all of this by myself by the way,....i have not been to any meetings or anything like that...its all in my head and ive managed 5 months so far which i am proud of but i feel like i need to contact people in the same situation so i know im not doing this alone.....i do not know what to expect and its quite scary at times when i feel as depressed as i do at times.....sometimes randomly ill just feel pure pain in my stomach and head and iit hurts and ill cry (all for no reason) and its horrible...and i dunno if im crazy or if its normal and my bodys ust healing?

WOW, that was a loooong message haha............ill be suprised if anyone read all of it.....i just typed as things came in my head.......

C

x

bostonluv

This was waaay too long for me to get completely through. It didn't sound like Paws to me but I'm not an expert. Sounds like obsessive thinking and depression. You need to find a way to get out of your head. Get out there an socialize. You are young. Your life has not passed you by as much as you think. Congratulations on 5 months!!!

Kathleen

BackToSquareOne

Hi Cherry, I've also been a binge drinker most of my adult life. I also had anxiety and depression to one degree or another most of my life but it usually subsided after a while and I never really got treatment for it. For me I think that a lot of my drinking was a form of self treatment for the anxiety and depression.

I just came off a major binge toward the end of August and still have insomnia, depression and anxiety. The PAWS symptoms are very real and can last for many months after you quit drinking. It's very hard to tell though if it's PAWS symptoms or just the anxiety and depression comming back. The sad truth is that alcohol does lower inhibitions and acts as a buffer for anxiety and depression but after the alcohol wears off these things come back worse than ever. In the long run alcohol will only make everything much worse.

All the things your feeling now could be PAWS symptoms or they could be anxiety and depression comming to the surface. Without the occassional binge to numb everything out we now have to face these things for what they are. I went to my doctor and told him how lousy I was feeling since my last binge and he prescribed an antidepressent and tranquilizer to help with sleep.

My best advice would be to see your doctor or a psychiatrist and explain how your feeling. If you do have underlying anxiety and depression issues you will need professional help in dealing with these things. As you have discovered on your own, alcohol is not the answer.

Cherryxxx

Thanks bostonluv and backtosquareone :-) x

LosingmyMisery

I wasn't a daily drinker, until I became one. I also didn't drink in the morning until I started drinking in the morning. My point is, the disease is progressive. Who knows how your drinking may develop if you continue. It isn't when or how much you drink as much as it is how unmanageable your life becomes when you do drink. It sounds like it is definitely an issue and you are wise to take a good look at it. Good luck!

Grace2u

There are many different ways that alcoholism can present itself in people. Binge drinking is a common one. If you're wondering if you are an alcoholic, take this test:

Are You An Alcoholic?
Answering these 10 questions may help.

Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
Do you drink alone?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Is drinking jeopardizing your job or your business?
Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

If you have answered YES to three or more of these questions,
you have a definite problem with alcohol. (This test was found at Am I an Alcoholic?).

Often alcoholics have co-issues as well, like depression, anxiety and self-loathing and other anger issues. Do a seach on your computer to find a licensed therapist in the field of alcoholism, as they are trained in these matters and can help you with many or your questions.

Realizing you have a problem and need help is the biggest step. I hope you take it! And why not try an AA meeting? You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wish you the best, and please keep us informed. We care about you, because we ARE you!

CarolD

Why not set up an appointment with a doctor?
You could print out your post and show it to her/him
for a professional opinion.
You need to know why you are having
stomach pain and depressive thoughts.

To feel less alone in your sober life...
ask your Mum to attend AA meetings with you
There are many people your age there
and you will find support and understanding.

Changeing habits is difficult and 5 months
is a good beginning. Congratulations!

least

Being "an alcoholic" doesn't depend so much on how much or how often you drink, but on "what happens to you when you drink". If you're worried about it, that's a good indication you're an alcoholic. I can't speak to your symptoms but talking with a doctor would be a good move. I wish the best for you.

:ghug3

dancinggirl

Losingmymisery: I loved that!

Cherry: I don't know if this could be PAWS related, as I didn't have that when I stopped. But whether it's PAWS or something else, you don't sound happy inside yourself and talking with a doctor couldn't hurt at all...but really could help you be led in the right direction. I agree with CarolD...it's a fantastic idea to print out your post and just bring it to your doctor. It's kind of hard to get out all our feelings when presented with that person in the white coat...but if you have it written out for them you'll know that nothing is being forgotten.

GettinSober

Cherry - for what it is worth I don't think you're an alcoholic - I think you're depressed and insecure.

I also think you might have an addictive personality and that could lead to alcoholism as the disease is progressive.

However it's all semantics at the end of the day. If drinking causes you to be miserable or puts you in miserable situations then stay well away from it. I would discuss your mindset with a doctor too.

Good Luck.

nandm

My experience has been that it wasn't about how often or necessarily how much I drank but how it affected me. For example, if I was able to control my drinking I did not enjoy it and if I was able to enjoy it I was unable to control it. I was a "binge" drinker in my late teens early 20's. I could go for weeks without drinking but when I did I tended to not have much control over how much I drank. I also at times would do stupid things that I would regret or be embarrassed about afterwards. The reason I say this is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I don't believe that once one takes that first drink that they automatically are an alcoholic. My thought is that many of us have the tendency to be an alcoholic and when we continually feed that tendency we eventually wind up full blown alcoholics but I believe we go through phases in that process where it might be easier to stop than the late stages of alcoholism, binging being one of those earlier stages where stopping would be easier. Please note: this is my personal opinion. I do not have any medical studies to back up what I have stated just my experience.

My thought is if you feel alcohol is creating problems in your life then you can choose where you get off the elevator on its way down. You can get off at binge drinking or wait until the late stages of alcoholism. It is your choice.

Many alcoholics go through the feelings you speak of; the insecurity, the fears, the depression, etc.... These are things that can be dealt with without using alcohol. Personally a program of recovery helped me with much of those things (I use AA). A good therapist can also help with some of what you speak of. I encourage you to take advantage of something that will help you with those feelings other than alcohol. The road to late stage alcoholism is wrought with destruction of not only our lives but the lives of those that care about us the most. You don't have to go there.

Take care and my best wishes are with you.

Cherryxxx

Thank you so much everybody for taking the time to help :-) I really appreciate it a lot x