I drank yesterday...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
I drank yesterday...
I'm back to day one. I feel terrible. Not all that hungover, because it was in the middle of the day, so I was more miserable last night than I am this morning, at least physically. I feel terrible because this has been going on for too long. I get sober, start to feel better, then drink again. I don't know if I can keep this up. I know I can't. I'm not giving up on it, but I have very little hope that I will really stay sober this time, or ever.
I just wanted you folks to know. If I have to be a screw-up, at least I want to be an honest one.
I just wanted you folks to know. If I have to be a screw-up, at least I want to be an honest one.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hey, Karen...could you go to a doctor and tell him/her what's going on? Find someone who specializes in addictions. There is no reason you should be condemned to a life of addiction. Please don't give up and get some help. There are medications and plenty of therapy options available from professionals trained to deal with this problem. I hope you find help. :ghug3
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Karen.. we all make mistakes its partof our nature. but your admitting your wrongs and thats a good thing , I dont know your story but are you in aprogram of recovery? AA really does work and its a BIG help .. If you want what we have , hows bout giving it a shot and or some form of treatment in or out patient .. it does get better.. after 5 ys of soberity it still gets better everyday for me its like a birthday presant each day of the week .. come on gurl you can do it we beleive in yah! Peace and serenity to you Mrs O
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I experienced many relapses.
After the first few I asked myself "what did I do to deserve this?"
After the last one I asked myself "what did I FAIL to do to deserve this?
Ever since then I have come to appreciate page 85 of the Big Book where it says:
"We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."
After the first few I asked myself "what did I do to deserve this?"
After the last one I asked myself "what did I FAIL to do to deserve this?
Ever since then I have come to appreciate page 85 of the Big Book where it says:
"We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Hi Karen. You CAN do this but you have to want it more then the drink. What triggered you yesterday? Could you have done something different? If you say you will drink/relapse again, you will. If you say today I am not going to drink no matter what and find ways to prevent it then you won't. Change your routine. Not being hard on you because I am sure you'll do that, but if you want to stop you can. Don't believe the irrational voice that says you will never get sober! :ghug3
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I too relapsed many many times and used to think I'd never stay sober. But I finally finally wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, and that, I think, is the key to how I'm staying sober today.
You can do this. Learn from your mistakes and keep trying til you 'get it right'.
:ghug3
You can do this. Learn from your mistakes and keep trying til you 'get it right'.
:ghug3
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Originally Posted by least 
But I finally finally wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, and that, I think, is the key to how I'm staying sober today.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 471
Thanks for your help. I haven't really been working a program and yes, there is a lot I could have done different. I've been avoiding really getting involved in AA. I just go to a few meetings, show up right at the start and then dash out the door when it's over. I just feel so nervous and uncomfortable with it because I've been sober in AA before, several times in fact, and I feel like such a loser when I'm there. I'm not blaming AA for that at all, it comes from inside me and just have to get over it. So I've sort of browsed around looking for other programs but haven't really done anything about it.
Also, when I quit three weeks ago, I was making a plan for myself every day, starting the day with prayer, etc. But the cravings went away and for the past few days I haven't really done that. That's been my cycle in the past, too. I work hard at staying sober until it gets easier, then quit working at it at all, just try to pretend I'm normal!
I had no idea I would drink yesterday. I was cleaning out my closet and found a pint buried in the back. Instead of seeing it as the dangerous poison that it is, I felt like I had found a treasure. Didn't think about it at all. I'm going to go through my house now and make sure there isn't anything else. I should have done that before, too.
I'm horrified by this. I have to find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Also, when I quit three weeks ago, I was making a plan for myself every day, starting the day with prayer, etc. But the cravings went away and for the past few days I haven't really done that. That's been my cycle in the past, too. I work hard at staying sober until it gets easier, then quit working at it at all, just try to pretend I'm normal!
I had no idea I would drink yesterday. I was cleaning out my closet and found a pint buried in the back. Instead of seeing it as the dangerous poison that it is, I felt like I had found a treasure. Didn't think about it at all. I'm going to go through my house now and make sure there isn't anything else. I should have done that before, too.
I'm horrified by this. I have to find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.
TruthJustice
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: The Boondocks
Posts: 112
Karen the most important thing you remember is, "don't beat yourself up over it." That's your addictive mind trying to tell you that you're a failure and why not have another drink...
I had so many relapses I lost count and the more I beat myself up over it the more likely I was to drink again.
AA isn't for me at this point, but it helps quite a few folks out and I really like the Big Book. In fact, quite a few people claim 5% success rates but that doesn't tease out the mandatory folks (the ones that have to go, but don't want to go), those that have never read the Big Book or worked the steps, etc.
There a plenty of ways to get sober, just choose the path of least resistance - who knows maybe AA could be that path for you?
I had so many relapses I lost count and the more I beat myself up over it the more likely I was to drink again.
AA isn't for me at this point, but it helps quite a few folks out and I really like the Big Book. In fact, quite a few people claim 5% success rates but that doesn't tease out the mandatory folks (the ones that have to go, but don't want to go), those that have never read the Big Book or worked the steps, etc.
There a plenty of ways to get sober, just choose the path of least resistance - who knows maybe AA could be that path for you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Karen,
If I add up some numbers and get the wrong answer that is a mistake.
My experience is there are no mistakes on an emotional level. I can look back at my life and see that everything I've ever done was driven by some reason. For too many years I had reasons to drink and drug...alot of reasons, they were false but they were mine, and I used them.
I need to find out what my reasons are.
I can't do this alone, I'm not honest enough. Using my mind, which is filled with faulty reasoning, to fix itself, is impossible. I've chosen the fellowship of AA to help me.
Years ago I attended AA and worked the steps to the best of my ability, the problem was I worked them to my standards, with my broken alcoholic brain and that resulted in drinking again. That was not a mistake.
Recently I began attending AA again. This time I got a sponsor and began working the steps under his direction. What I believe today is that until I reached out and asked for help I was still excersizing MY power over alcohol, failing to understand the first step. For me, until I'm able to surrender and admit I can't do this by myself I'm absolutely unable to work the first step.
I'm powerless over alcohol! There's nothing inside of me that can make me regain power. I need a solution outside of myself.
Karen, go find your solution. Don't be afraid to ask for help, in doing so you will become part of the solution and be able to make full use of your experience, strength and hope to help others. You will live a miracle...everyday!
Peace
If I add up some numbers and get the wrong answer that is a mistake.
My experience is there are no mistakes on an emotional level. I can look back at my life and see that everything I've ever done was driven by some reason. For too many years I had reasons to drink and drug...alot of reasons, they were false but they were mine, and I used them.
I need to find out what my reasons are.
I can't do this alone, I'm not honest enough. Using my mind, which is filled with faulty reasoning, to fix itself, is impossible. I've chosen the fellowship of AA to help me.
Years ago I attended AA and worked the steps to the best of my ability, the problem was I worked them to my standards, with my broken alcoholic brain and that resulted in drinking again. That was not a mistake.
Recently I began attending AA again. This time I got a sponsor and began working the steps under his direction. What I believe today is that until I reached out and asked for help I was still excersizing MY power over alcohol, failing to understand the first step. For me, until I'm able to surrender and admit I can't do this by myself I'm absolutely unable to work the first step.
I'm powerless over alcohol! There's nothing inside of me that can make me regain power. I need a solution outside of myself.
Karen, go find your solution. Don't be afraid to ask for help, in doing so you will become part of the solution and be able to make full use of your experience, strength and hope to help others. You will live a miracle...everyday!
Peace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Karen,
We've already spoke but I just wanted to say I am proud that you posted on here because I know it's something ou were dreading. As you can see you were not met by sterness or judgement. We are heartbroken over your choice and that you did not talk to one/all of us first. Please use this site as your tool and ask for help. Be on constant vigil against complancency/cockiness. This diesease lies dormat even when we aren't drinking.
We've already spoke but I just wanted to say I am proud that you posted on here because I know it's something ou were dreading. As you can see you were not met by sterness or judgement. We are heartbroken over your choice and that you did not talk to one/all of us first. Please use this site as your tool and ask for help. Be on constant vigil against complancency/cockiness. This diesease lies dormat even when we aren't drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Karen,
I remember thinking I was going to be the exception here at SR-the one person who would never ever get it.I relapsed many times too and felt like I was a hopeless case.Like I was the one who just didn't have whatever it was all these other sober people around me had. I'd watch people accumulating days, celebrating milestones and think 'That will never be me.I'm too weak' But it's not that you or I are weak-we're addicted to a vicious disease that waits for us.It's really tough.
I'm proud of you for posting about it.I understand how hard it can be.
I know for me, the most dangerous time was when I started to feel better.I'd stop thinking about all the work I'd put in initially to get sober and my alkie mind would start chatting to me-'You're ok now-see?You can stop if you want to!You've proven it!Wouldn't a glass of wine feel so good right now?' etc etc etc.
It took me a long time to accept that I could never have a glass of wine again and I often use the simple sentence 'No drinking, no matter what!' when those voices start up again, and remind myself of the hell I was in when I did drink.
It can be really hard, I know.But you're not alone and you're not a loser.You will get this too as long as you never stop trying.We're all here for you-remember that too okay?
Love,
Julesxox
I remember thinking I was going to be the exception here at SR-the one person who would never ever get it.I relapsed many times too and felt like I was a hopeless case.Like I was the one who just didn't have whatever it was all these other sober people around me had. I'd watch people accumulating days, celebrating milestones and think 'That will never be me.I'm too weak' But it's not that you or I are weak-we're addicted to a vicious disease that waits for us.It's really tough.
I'm proud of you for posting about it.I understand how hard it can be.
I know for me, the most dangerous time was when I started to feel better.I'd stop thinking about all the work I'd put in initially to get sober and my alkie mind would start chatting to me-'You're ok now-see?You can stop if you want to!You've proven it!Wouldn't a glass of wine feel so good right now?' etc etc etc. It took me a long time to accept that I could never have a glass of wine again and I often use the simple sentence 'No drinking, no matter what!' when those voices start up again, and remind myself of the hell I was in when I did drink.
It can be really hard, I know.But you're not alone and you're not a loser.You will get this too as long as you never stop trying.We're all here for you-remember that too okay?
Love,
Julesxox
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Karen, working on our sobriety is a daily task. Many of us have made the mistake of losing sight of that. Live, learn and move forward. Don't dwell on it, but focus on what you can do to prevent this from happening again. Don't give up!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Karen...
It could have been much much worse.
Relax...you did not committ murder or treason
or have a fatal accident.
I had so many false starts I lost count.
Good to see you here with us...
It could have been much much worse.
Relax...you did not committ murder or treason
or have a fatal accident.
I had so many false starts I lost count.
Good to see you here with us...
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Karen, good to see you back and trying. I tried too many times to count to find sobriety before I was able to. For me it took finding a program of recovery. I wish you the best. Please don't stop trying. If I can stop drinking so can you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Ya know, it's whenever I started feeling ok that I would relapse. Something about getting to a milestone (seems to be the 2month mark for me) would have me getting complacent and drink. There was never a real reason for it, I just wasn't being ACTIVE in remembering that I'm an alcoholic and can't drink. I read something on this site from someone (don't know who..sorry!) that said something like it takes only a second to have that drink and slip. We only have a second to "decide" whether or not we throw it all away. It's not like we have a drinking date in our heads to prepare ourselves for...we literally have to be prepared constantly to not drink, 'cause that opportunity presents itself in a split second.
You absolutely can do this....you just have to want it more than the life you are leading right now...the life of regret, anxiety, guilt, remorse. That's not a fun way to live, is it? Whatever program you want to work, or even just being on this site, we all only have today to not drink. Just choose for this day to stop. I PROMISE you that everything is soooo much better sober!
You absolutely can do this....you just have to want it more than the life you are leading right now...the life of regret, anxiety, guilt, remorse. That's not a fun way to live, is it? Whatever program you want to work, or even just being on this site, we all only have today to not drink. Just choose for this day to stop. I PROMISE you that everything is soooo much better sober!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
It's not like we have a drinking date in our heads to prepare ourselves for...we literally have to be prepared constantly to not drink, 'cause that opportunity presents itself in a split second.
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