please help me find understanding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
please help me find understanding
I am going to try and make this the condensed version so bear with me... My husband of 9 years is an active alcoholic. On July 6th I asked him not to come home because our 9 yr old daughter had come to us and said one of my husbands drinking buddies had touched her in her "privates". I have made all of the proper reports and done everything I can think of to protect and reassure her. I asked my husband not to speak with this friend until we could decide what we were going to do about this disclosure. For some reason that I just cant figure out he went to this guys house and then when I found him there and told him that we were through he disappeared with this guy. He is still gone and hasnt in anyway tried to contact me or his children (there are 4).
We have had fights before and I have always backed off and been the codependant that I am... He always comes home and acts like nothing happened... I just dont understand how anyone drinking or not can put a child molester and a bottle of beer before his wife and children. Even if it were just me I could deal with it but there are 3 little girls that love their daddy very much crying for him and he has to know that... I just dont understand how someone can turn their back like that... I feel like if I can even understand any part of what might be going on in his head I might be able to get past this without feeling like it is my fault... I know that it isnt my fault but it is sure tearing me apart... I have filed for divorce and taken all the steps necessary to protect the children but I sure dont want it to be this way....
I also know that there are no certain answers for my questions... I guess that I am just struggling so hard to get a grip on my life... I know that at least here there are people that will understand and maybe in that I will be able to at least find some peace.. I have come so far in my own recovery but today I feel like I have roadrash...
Love and Light,
Kathie
We have had fights before and I have always backed off and been the codependant that I am... He always comes home and acts like nothing happened... I just dont understand how anyone drinking or not can put a child molester and a bottle of beer before his wife and children. Even if it were just me I could deal with it but there are 3 little girls that love their daddy very much crying for him and he has to know that... I just dont understand how someone can turn their back like that... I feel like if I can even understand any part of what might be going on in his head I might be able to get past this without feeling like it is my fault... I know that it isnt my fault but it is sure tearing me apart... I have filed for divorce and taken all the steps necessary to protect the children but I sure dont want it to be this way....
I also know that there are no certain answers for my questions... I guess that I am just struggling so hard to get a grip on my life... I know that at least here there are people that will understand and maybe in that I will be able to at least find some peace.. I have come so far in my own recovery but today I feel like I have roadrash...
Love and Light,
Kathie
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi...
Kathie...
I am sorry for your troubles.
As an recovered alcoholic I think only another drunk can come close to understanding the insane behavior. For me...drinking was #1
I just bet he shows up saying "You said we were history!! Geez!"
My very best to you and your family.
(+) (+) (+) Hugs and Prayers
I am sorry for your troubles.
As an recovered alcoholic I think only another drunk can come close to understanding the insane behavior. For me...drinking was #1
I just bet he shows up saying "You said we were history!! Geez!"
My very best to you and your family.
(+) (+) (+) Hugs and Prayers
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Ladyregah,I know how difficult this must be for you,and I wish I had some words that could make you undertstand the insanity of the alcoholic mind.
Many alcoholics turn their backs on their family in favor of alcohol.Very sad but true.
I remember I once had a bitter argument with my girlfriend because of something she had said about one of my drinking friends.I called her a liar and told her it was all just another trick to try and get me to stop drinking and to stop seeing my rum buddies.
Alcohol spoke to me in a voice that drowned all others.It concealed truth from me in a veil of denial and deception.It is like an alien parasite that will do anything to survive....even reject my children.....
As painful as this must be........I commend you for your courage to take certain steps to ensure the welfare of yourself and your children.
All the best to you.
Many alcoholics turn their backs on their family in favor of alcohol.Very sad but true.
I remember I once had a bitter argument with my girlfriend because of something she had said about one of my drinking friends.I called her a liar and told her it was all just another trick to try and get me to stop drinking and to stop seeing my rum buddies.
Alcohol spoke to me in a voice that drowned all others.It concealed truth from me in a veil of denial and deception.It is like an alien parasite that will do anything to survive....even reject my children.....
As painful as this must be........I commend you for your courage to take certain steps to ensure the welfare of yourself and your children.
All the best to you.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Stranded in Iowa
Posts: 10
Can I relate to this thread....I participated in this type of relationship for to many years and the wreckage that it left both personally and for my children is unfathomable.
A bit of history:
I was involved in a marriage for 15 years that was destructive, riddled with alcoholism and drug abuse, of which I was both the participant and the observer. My husband (now X-husband) continually placed the needs, wants and desires of his friends over that of his wife and children. He gave up the unconditional love of a family for his friendships. To make a long story short, it came to a point where I was sick and tired of fearing what his next step might be. It seemed as though I was constantly having to keep the relationship alive between myself, the children and him. I was the doormat that facilitated him to keep doing what he was doing.
Into action:
I threw him out...... Got sober...... but still facilitated the relationship of the children with their father and could not understand why they (the children) were struggling so hard and were under so much stress and pressure. What I found was; I was the cause of this pain. By trying to make everything OK I was not allowing them to experience the pain of the lose of a Father that allows one to grow and move on. Only when I realized that I am powerless over the decisions that the addict in my life makes and allowed him to destruct the little trust that my children had for their Dad did I start to see growth in myself and healing in my children.
Today:
Over time my children and I have healed. With discussion and hugs we have learned that we cannot be accountable for the decisions that their Father makes. That it is okay to have the feelings of abandonment and distrust but we need to reach out and ask for help when those feelings become predominant in our life. To talk through issues until they feel comfortable and to try and see these feelings as a positive step in healing.
A bit of history:
I was involved in a marriage for 15 years that was destructive, riddled with alcoholism and drug abuse, of which I was both the participant and the observer. My husband (now X-husband) continually placed the needs, wants and desires of his friends over that of his wife and children. He gave up the unconditional love of a family for his friendships. To make a long story short, it came to a point where I was sick and tired of fearing what his next step might be. It seemed as though I was constantly having to keep the relationship alive between myself, the children and him. I was the doormat that facilitated him to keep doing what he was doing.
Into action:
I threw him out...... Got sober...... but still facilitated the relationship of the children with their father and could not understand why they (the children) were struggling so hard and were under so much stress and pressure. What I found was; I was the cause of this pain. By trying to make everything OK I was not allowing them to experience the pain of the lose of a Father that allows one to grow and move on. Only when I realized that I am powerless over the decisions that the addict in my life makes and allowed him to destruct the little trust that my children had for their Dad did I start to see growth in myself and healing in my children.
Today:
Over time my children and I have healed. With discussion and hugs we have learned that we cannot be accountable for the decisions that their Father makes. That it is okay to have the feelings of abandonment and distrust but we need to reach out and ask for help when those feelings become predominant in our life. To talk through issues until they feel comfortable and to try and see these feelings as a positive step in healing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
Thank you
March05, Peter, and Carold,
I just want to thank you all for the replies to the insane question that I posed... The day that I started that thread I was totally stuck in my insanity over something that I now realize that I can never control... I understand that it is ok to feel that way and I have found alot of acceptance in my life of ME.... I know that I still have a long road to travel in my recovery but today I have faith that I WILL make it! I am also confident that I dont have to understand what motivates him to do whatever he does... I dont even have to know what he is doing or where he is. I havent heard from him for 2 weeks and today I am ok with that... I am working my program and getting in touch with me and that is the only part that is important.... The kids are doing ok without dad being here... They are still asking me about him and I am still just telling them that I dont know anything that I havent already told them which is I dont know... I reassure them all the time that I am here for them and no matter what happens I am sticking around for them...
There is light at the end of the tunnel I am sure of it... I think I am even beginning to see it...LOL!!
Love and Light,
Kathie
I just want to thank you all for the replies to the insane question that I posed... The day that I started that thread I was totally stuck in my insanity over something that I now realize that I can never control... I understand that it is ok to feel that way and I have found alot of acceptance in my life of ME.... I know that I still have a long road to travel in my recovery but today I have faith that I WILL make it! I am also confident that I dont have to understand what motivates him to do whatever he does... I dont even have to know what he is doing or where he is. I havent heard from him for 2 weeks and today I am ok with that... I am working my program and getting in touch with me and that is the only part that is important.... The kids are doing ok without dad being here... They are still asking me about him and I am still just telling them that I dont know anything that I havent already told them which is I dont know... I reassure them all the time that I am here for them and no matter what happens I am sticking around for them...
There is light at the end of the tunnel I am sure of it... I think I am even beginning to see it...LOL!!
Love and Light,
Kathie
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