Dating someone who is not in Recovery
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Pgh, Pa
Posts: 23
Dating someone who is not in Recovery
I am almost 6 years sober and am currently dating someone who is not in recovery and drinks very little. She (yes, I am gay) is really trying to understand recovery and alchoholism -- which I am very grateful for. The problem is she is often afraid to suggest going to parties and events that serve alchohol. So much so, that she will usually start with "I know you probably don't want to go to this work party with me, but ..." The truth is I really don't want to be around drinkers. Up until now, since sober, I have only dated other sober people, however I really like this person. But I don't want to hold her back from going to things she really wants to go to. I told her she can still go, however she says "Oh I really don't want to go anyway". When we first started dating she was kinda freaked out when realization of my sobriety kicked in and she reached out to a woman who was married to a long time member of the program. This woman suggested she read the big book which she is doing. She also told her that she is not responsible for my drinking or non-drinking. I guess why I am stressing is that the lastest incident happened yesterday when a friend of hers asked us to go to a CD release party which would be at a club. She responded "no" and that I didn't like to hang out in bars. The friend said she didn't realize that I didn't go out at all. That kind of angered me because it sounded like I live like a hermit! Reality is yes, I do not like hanging in bars -- but I also really hate the kind of music that is for the CD release party -- which I told my date she should have told her friend. I guess I just feel like we both are walking on eggshells. She is now worried that I won't come to this block party her neighborhood has annually and serves alchohol. Truth is, I don't want to go -- I guess I really am not comfortable around drinking much. This is new to me since I have only dated alchoholics. Am I overly sensitive? Does anyone have similar experiences adjusting to dating those no sober?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Kimmers. Funny you bring this up, my wife of 17 years is not an alcoholic said last night that she kind of missed her and I having a drink together (Of course I usually already had been drinking half the day when she had her first!). I only have 2 years sober, but others drinking around me does not bug me at all as long as no one is STUPID drunk (Of course I could not stand a STUPID drunk when I was drinking). Would I hang out at a bar? No, there is only one real reason to go to a bar in my book.
Sorry for rambling, any how as I have told her hundreds of times before, if she wants to have a drink, have one, I am the alcoholic, not her!! Well she says she does not feel right drinkning in front of me.......... Oh well this is something I am adjusting to.
Kimmers I simply have to accept the fact that my wife is not comfortable drinking around me, the reason she does is love, some how in her head she feels it will bug me seeing her drink even though she knows some one drinking around me does not bug me.
It sounds like she likes you (At a minimum LOL) a lot and is going out of her way to not make you uncomfortable. Jsut sit her down and be totally open and honest with her. Tell her what kind of situations you feel uncomfortable with and those that bug you....... then be honest and tell her that her open concern for you in certain cases is embarassing.
Keep in mind she can not stop doing something that bugs you unless she knows it does!
All the best and congrats on the 6 years.
Sorry for rambling, any how as I have told her hundreds of times before, if she wants to have a drink, have one, I am the alcoholic, not her!! Well she says she does not feel right drinkning in front of me.......... Oh well this is something I am adjusting to.
Kimmers I simply have to accept the fact that my wife is not comfortable drinking around me, the reason she does is love, some how in her head she feels it will bug me seeing her drink even though she knows some one drinking around me does not bug me.
It sounds like she likes you (At a minimum LOL) a lot and is going out of her way to not make you uncomfortable. Jsut sit her down and be totally open and honest with her. Tell her what kind of situations you feel uncomfortable with and those that bug you....... then be honest and tell her that her open concern for you in certain cases is embarassing.
Keep in mind she can not stop doing something that bugs you unless she knows it does!
All the best and congrats on the 6 years.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Honesty and communication are key to any relationship. Personally I would make a list of the things I need to say and then sit down with her and discuss your feelings on the topic. Allow her plenty of time to respond. Try to avoid "you" statements such as "You always," "You never," etc..... When you speak, talk about your feelings about being in situations where alcohol is served or the primary reason people are there. If those situations bother you because of the alcohol say so. It you are comfortable in those situations let her know. Be sure to listen to her response and allow her plenty of time to respond. Do not be judgemental of her feelings, allow her to be her and express her feelings on the topic. Keep it simple.
This has worked well in my relationship. It was something I could not do when I was drinking. This type of honesty and non judgemental communication helps build intimacy and trust. It has helped make my relationship with my g/f much stronger. I never could do that with either of my ex-husbands. Today though I even use this style of communication with them and we have a much more civil relationship because of it.
Take care. Don't be afraid to be direct about how you feel. Remember the number one culprit of relapse is resentment. Don't allow it a chance to build.
This has worked well in my relationship. It was something I could not do when I was drinking. This type of honesty and non judgemental communication helps build intimacy and trust. It has helped make my relationship with my g/f much stronger. I never could do that with either of my ex-husbands. Today though I even use this style of communication with them and we have a much more civil relationship because of it.
Take care. Don't be afraid to be direct about how you feel. Remember the number one culprit of relapse is resentment. Don't allow it a chance to build.
Positively Master Thief
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Troy side'ah the dirt, NY
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Kimmers927 
I am almost 6 years sober and am currently dating someone who is not in recovery and drinks very little. She (yes, I am gay) is really trying to understand recovery and alchoholism -- which I am very grateful for. The problem is she is often afraid to suggest going to parties and events that serve alchohol. So much so, that she will usually start with "I know you probably don't want to go to this work party with me, but ..." The truth is I really don't want to be around drinkers. Up until now, since sober, I have only dated other sober people, however I really like this person. But I don't want to hold her back from going to things she really wants to go to. I told her she can still go, however she says "Oh I really don't want to go anyway". When we first started dating she was kinda freaked out when realization of my sobriety kicked in and she reached out to a woman who was married to a long time member of the program. This woman suggested she read the big book which she is doing. She also told her that she is not responsible for my drinking or non-drinking. I guess why I am stressing is that the lastest incident happened yesterday when a friend of hers asked us to go to a CD release party which would be at a club. She responded "no" and that I didn't like to hang out in bars. The friend said she didn't realize that I didn't go out at all. That kind of angered me because it sounded like I live like a hermit! Reality is yes, I do not like hanging in bars -- but I also really hate the kind of music that is for the CD release party -- which I told my date she should have told her friend. I guess I just feel like we both are walking on eggshells. She is now worried that I won't come to this block party her neighborhood has annually and serves alchohol. Truth is, I don't want to go -- I guess I really am not comfortable around drinking much. This is new to me since I have only dated alchoholics. Am I overly sensitive? Does anyone have similar experiences adjusting to dating those no sober?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I have been dating my girlfriend for ~2 years. She is not in any program, drinks on occassion, I have even seen her drink too much (I found it rather amusing).
Alcoholism is MY problem - not alcohol. There is no way that I could develop a life where I never come into contact with alcohol. Even if I did - if my alcoholism goes untreated, I will be fermenting apples or something. If I am going to drink - it's not because of a situation I am in, or the people around me, it's because my alcoholism is untreated. And I need treatment EVERY morning, night and the inbetween.
Tonight I am going to a house-warming party, a lot of my good friends will be drinking, getting drunk. I have no fear or apprehension about it whatsoever. Sobriety is about living life - not controlling it.
Alcoholism is MY problem - not alcohol. There is no way that I could develop a life where I never come into contact with alcohol. Even if I did - if my alcoholism goes untreated, I will be fermenting apples or something. If I am going to drink - it's not because of a situation I am in, or the people around me, it's because my alcoholism is untreated. And I need treatment EVERY morning, night and the inbetween.
Tonight I am going to a house-warming party, a lot of my good friends will be drinking, getting drunk. I have no fear or apprehension about it whatsoever. Sobriety is about living life - not controlling it.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Kimmers
Yes, I have some similar experience with this...sort of. My BF is in recovery, so we connect deeply around recovery. But we do have totally different cultural tastes. We often laugh and sometimes even cry about WHAT are the 2 of us even doing together anyway!!?
Example: he loves heavy metal, and hard rock music. He hits every concert he can. He loves dancing, which means going to bars/clubs. I teach yoga, listen to the sound of my breath and adore silence. I have not stepped foot in a bar or club in 20 years, except to eat a meal when there were no other options.
At first, I was rigid about NEVER attending a music event with him, based on my preferences for different sounds and mindset. But, one time, he asked me to join him, and, by that time I had learned I can trust him 100% to be sensitive to my feelings, internal comfort level, and each of our individual sobriety as our priority, and I went along. Without the resistance, and free of expectations on the night, i was able to simply experience it rather than judge it, hate it or fear it rubbing off on me.
Another time, it was dancing in a club. We had a blast.
The great part is that he saw my willingness to suspend judgement on his tastes, and then he offered to go with me to a yoga retreat last week. I was blown away. That was an entirely new experience for him, and I felt blessed to be able to share ALL of these times together. ( He loved it)
Bottom line, Kimmers, is to be honest, to communicate and to drop the pre-judgements, when possible. Take each instance as it arises. Allow yourself room to become flexible as well as firm. Know who you really are, and know that it does not change even if yuo choose to attend a party you normally would not. Love can open us up. Hopefully it will become a good discussion for you two.
Yes, I have some similar experience with this...sort of. My BF is in recovery, so we connect deeply around recovery. But we do have totally different cultural tastes. We often laugh and sometimes even cry about WHAT are the 2 of us even doing together anyway!!?
Example: he loves heavy metal, and hard rock music. He hits every concert he can. He loves dancing, which means going to bars/clubs. I teach yoga, listen to the sound of my breath and adore silence. I have not stepped foot in a bar or club in 20 years, except to eat a meal when there were no other options.
At first, I was rigid about NEVER attending a music event with him, based on my preferences for different sounds and mindset. But, one time, he asked me to join him, and, by that time I had learned I can trust him 100% to be sensitive to my feelings, internal comfort level, and each of our individual sobriety as our priority, and I went along. Without the resistance, and free of expectations on the night, i was able to simply experience it rather than judge it, hate it or fear it rubbing off on me.
Another time, it was dancing in a club. We had a blast.
The great part is that he saw my willingness to suspend judgement on his tastes, and then he offered to go with me to a yoga retreat last week. I was blown away. That was an entirely new experience for him, and I felt blessed to be able to share ALL of these times together. ( He loved it)
Bottom line, Kimmers, is to be honest, to communicate and to drop the pre-judgements, when possible. Take each instance as it arises. Allow yourself room to become flexible as well as firm. Know who you really are, and know that it does not change even if yuo choose to attend a party you normally would not. Love can open us up. Hopefully it will become a good discussion for you two.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Posts: 565
It's funny because people drinking around me doesn't bother me at all. I know that I can't have any and, if I do, I'll just embarass myself and anyone around me. I'm really trying to change my life and get back to the Tex from 4 years ago. I liked that guy.
Not to start the Non Alcoholic argument again, but I tried a bottle (notice I said bottle and not glass - even NA I have that drinker mentality
) of that Fre' wine once. It tasted great, just like real wine. Until the next morning when I woke up wth the worst hangover ever. I said "wait a sec, this is NA." Someone told me later it's because it doesn't contain sulfites.
Not to start the Non Alcoholic argument again, but I tried a bottle (notice I said bottle and not glass - even NA I have that drinker mentality
) of that Fre' wine once. It tasted great, just like real wine. Until the next morning when I woke up wth the worst hangover ever. I said "wait a sec, this is NA." Someone told me later it's because it doesn't contain sulfites.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I dated a guy last year who wasn't an alcoholic (had other problems though) and I use to try and focre him to get drunk!! Lol. I'd say things like, come on drink some more, I want to see what you're like drunk.
I also had this thing about kissing him when he'd been drinking etc...
I don't think I could've even considered dating someone who wasn't in receovery unless I went to Al Anon, which I started doing at 4/5 years sober. Like most of the Al Anons, I equated drinking with fights and violence as that had always been my expereince. I.e. a good party always involved at least one fight and a bit of blood.
I think I also suffered from the disbelief everyone who drunk, more than they should, must be alcoholic too. I couldn't understand how someone could abuse alcohol from time to time but not be an alcoholic.
I'm still probably of the same extreme in the sense if I did have a BF I'd be encourage him to drink as much as possible, maybe because then I could label him a alcoholic etc.... I hate things I don't understand or relate to becasue they make me feel out of control.
The only thing I'd offer would be that if you don't want to go, don't go. And if she wants to, then she should. But neither of you ought to harbour resentment against the other for not doing what you think they should. We're all individuals and can do what we want. And neither of you are responsible for the other ones choices. You're just responsible for your own.
Take it easy
:ghug3
I also had this thing about kissing him when he'd been drinking etc...
I don't think I could've even considered dating someone who wasn't in receovery unless I went to Al Anon, which I started doing at 4/5 years sober. Like most of the Al Anons, I equated drinking with fights and violence as that had always been my expereince. I.e. a good party always involved at least one fight and a bit of blood.
I think I also suffered from the disbelief everyone who drunk, more than they should, must be alcoholic too. I couldn't understand how someone could abuse alcohol from time to time but not be an alcoholic.
I'm still probably of the same extreme in the sense if I did have a BF I'd be encourage him to drink as much as possible, maybe because then I could label him a alcoholic etc.... I hate things I don't understand or relate to becasue they make me feel out of control.
The only thing I'd offer would be that if you don't want to go, don't go. And if she wants to, then she should. But neither of you ought to harbour resentment against the other for not doing what you think they should. We're all individuals and can do what we want. And neither of you are responsible for the other ones choices. You're just responsible for your own.
Take it easy
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Pgh, Pa
Posts: 23
Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. You are awesome! My GF sent me a text on Friday saying she gets the Big Book and can understand so much more about my program. I guess that's such a blessing that she cares enough to try and understand as much as she can. We talked allot last night about being honest and not hold back when one of us are feeling uncomfortable. I try to explain the best I can about how I just don't like to be around drinkers and its not her. Yet she can do what she wants and I shouldn't hold her back from anything she may want to attend. I know that really all I can and need to do is be open and honest and not worry about where the relationship will go right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Hey Kimmers,
I had a good laugh at the "yes, i am gay" inserted into the first sentence of your post because i am gay too and feel like i am constantly uttering that phrase to people. thanks for your post. i JUST quit drinking and i am trying to figure out what to do about my girlfriend. she doesnt think i have a problem with alcohol because she has never seen me out of control and i dont drink during the day or anything like that. so telling her that i am an alcoholic may confuse her. also, she likes having a glass of wine with me after a long day. my GF has done some messed up things while drinking but shes not an alcoholic. i am currently debating whether i need to give her the full explanation of my issues (past and present) with drinking or whether i should skip it and simply say that i decided to stop for health reasons. i, like you, dont want her to feel like she needs to be overly-sensitive to having a drink around me or talking about alcohol or whatever.
it seems like your GF is really supportive and cares enough to understand why you dont drink. those are great qualities in a significant other
Good luck...
I had a good laugh at the "yes, i am gay" inserted into the first sentence of your post because i am gay too and feel like i am constantly uttering that phrase to people. thanks for your post. i JUST quit drinking and i am trying to figure out what to do about my girlfriend. she doesnt think i have a problem with alcohol because she has never seen me out of control and i dont drink during the day or anything like that. so telling her that i am an alcoholic may confuse her. also, she likes having a glass of wine with me after a long day. my GF has done some messed up things while drinking but shes not an alcoholic. i am currently debating whether i need to give her the full explanation of my issues (past and present) with drinking or whether i should skip it and simply say that i decided to stop for health reasons. i, like you, dont want her to feel like she needs to be overly-sensitive to having a drink around me or talking about alcohol or whatever.
it seems like your GF is really supportive and cares enough to understand why you dont drink. those are great qualities in a significant other
Good luck...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Pgh, Pa
Posts: 23
Hi, Rainbowgirl, welcome and I am glad you are here. When I first got sober I was with a GF who drank socially. She begged me to get sober (yes, she had seem me at my worst). And when I finally did, she did not understand at all. We too liked to have a beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner. The difference is that just set me up for the night to continue with more beers and glasses of wine usually till I passed out. So, when I finally cleaned up, I thought if anyone would understand and support it would be her -- WRONG. We lasted but a week or 2 into my sobriety. I guess what I am trying to say is if you feel that your relationship is going anywhere, please be open and honest with her. My GF at that time did see me at my worst many times... and she still didn't get it because she did not understand that I had to change, she didn't understand why I had to go to meetings and that it is a lifelong commitment to stay sober. I don't know how long you have been together, but you may be saving yourself some heartache in the long run. Keep in touch....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 120
I have found in when I have met someone who isnt an alcoholic (Or should I say, not in recovery) and they found out I was. They seem to be scared of dating me. Like I am eithor gonna make them stop drinking or they make me start. No body but me can make me drink. 
If they want to drink then it is their choice.
I am presently dating someone who is in recovery. And the relationship has been wonderful. So far so good. It has all been a learning experience for me.
If they want to drink then it is their choice.
I am presently dating someone who is in recovery. And the relationship has been wonderful. So far so good. It has all been a learning experience for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
"After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!" (BB, Working with Others)
I met my wife in my active alcoholism, she drank occasionally, now hardly drinks at all. I went into recovery in our relationship. When first in recovery, she didn't drink. I never told her she couldn't, but she chose not to. (Very sweet, and is one of the many reason I married her.)
Eventually she drank in front of me. It was usually at barbecues with friends and family (rare even in those events), and as I progressed in my recovery, I became more spiritually fit to be around anyone drinking. My alcoholism is my problem, that others unfortunately had to deal with at times. I stay sober for me, I must maintain my health physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will not try to bend eveyone over backwards to make sure poor me is ok around alcohol.
A good program of recovery should give you the tools to be able to go anywhere. People without our disease don't understand, and that's perfectly ok. It's nice that she checks with you, it shows she cares.
The important thing is that your soberiety is being maintained and that you are healing and growing.
Tom
I met my wife in my active alcoholism, she drank occasionally, now hardly drinks at all. I went into recovery in our relationship. When first in recovery, she didn't drink. I never told her she couldn't, but she chose not to. (Very sweet, and is one of the many reason I married her.)
Eventually she drank in front of me. It was usually at barbecues with friends and family (rare even in those events), and as I progressed in my recovery, I became more spiritually fit to be around anyone drinking. My alcoholism is my problem, that others unfortunately had to deal with at times. I stay sober for me, I must maintain my health physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will not try to bend eveyone over backwards to make sure poor me is ok around alcohol.
A good program of recovery should give you the tools to be able to go anywhere. People without our disease don't understand, and that's perfectly ok. It's nice that she checks with you, it shows she cares.
The important thing is that your soberiety is being maintained and that you are healing and growing.
Tom
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: richmond,va
Posts: 307
i can relate to most of these stories but unlike a lot of you im afraid..i've recently tried to date someone that drinks.for me doesnt work.the taste of alcohol on his breathe and carefree attitude about drinking turned me off.i hope things work out 4 u all.maybe oneday i'll be stronger i just suggest you do what feels right 4 you.nothing more nothing less than whats best 4 you in your recovery.:ghug
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