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Old 09-02-2008, 07:10 AM
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Not sure where to start

I have only been drinking for a little over a year now. I am 38. My son turned 18 and left for college and I have a feeling the need or want to drink started when I realized that he was growing up and no longer needed me as much and I felt like I no longer had a job to do.

What am I going to do now?

It actually all started one night when my husband and I decided to stop at liquor store (which we never do) We both picked up a little something to drink. My husband does not drink, he did when he was younger but he grew up in an alcoholic family and does not like it.

Well after that one night, I found myself having a few drinks in the evenings a couple times a week.
Then it was 3-4 times a week.
Then it was everyday.

It has been this way for a year now. My husband hates it and he complains to everyone about it and how he would prefer that I don't drink. He makes cruel jokes about it as well. Also, my son does not like it either so I have decided to stop. I am not stopping for them, I am stopping for myself. I see that it has become a problem. I never thought it would be, I was in denial. I know now, that it is.

I have been praying for help with this. I have promised that I am going to get through it. The first day was fine. I was very proud, the second day was horrible. All I could think about was drinking.

My husband and I went out to get icecream, on the way we stopped to get cigarettes (at the liquor store) Now, remember I said that he hates the drinking? He asked me what I wanted to drink. I told him nothing. He said why not. I just said because I don't. I told him I had not had anything to drink in a few days and that I just didn't want to. He then said - you deserve then to treat yourself. This is not his behavior ever towards my drinking!

At that moment, I realized that the devil was trying to work through my husband! No lying here. My husband means so much to me and he has never given me the OK to drink or even suggested that he thought it was ok. A higher power knew that his approval would break me. He would not stop all night he kept asking over and over again if I wanted to go get something to drink. No matter what I said he wouldn't quit and guess what? I did get something to drink. I was so sorry afterward and I am crying trying to write this because I didn't want to . I wanted to be strong because I am better than this. I don't know what to do.
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:32 AM
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Hey - don't beat yourself up. PICK yourself up and dust yourself off. Tell your husband you feel you have a drinking problem and you are afraid it will shorten your life dramatically if you continue to drink. Tell him how you feel about alcohol and if this doesn't stop him from enabling your disease then maybe think of counseling for the both of you. Be straight up with him. Don't just say "I haven't drank in a few days." "I just don't want to." How about saying I could die if I continue to drink. I would think that should stop his goading you into this is a treat type thinking. If he knows this is more a poison then a "treat" he won't or shouldn't be offering it to you.
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:33 AM
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By the way welcome to SR and to your future healing.

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Old 09-02-2008, 07:41 AM
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Thanks for the welcome. The scary thing about this is that he has never ENABLED me to drink. He hates it and tries to get me to stop all the time. That is why I don't understand what happened last night. I never imagined in a million years that he would ever give me 'permission' to drink so to speak. He has always been my rock and tried to tell me that its becoming a problem and that I really need to stop. I did tell him last night that the reason I didn't want to get anything is because I wanted to so bad. It was like he was possessed or something.
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:47 AM
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Did you ask him why he was so persistent last night with wanting you to get something?
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:50 AM
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I would have a talk with him this morning. No accussing just a discussion....like, I thought you preferred me to stop drinking? That might open a door. Some people here don't tell their spouses that they aren't drinking. I don't know how they can possibly quit without their spouses support. Get his support. I know he will assist you with this once it's on the table. There is a lso a wonderful support network here. Welcome.
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Old 09-02-2008, 07:59 AM
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Well at first it was just when we got the cigarettes. I didn't go in, he did. He asked me a few times if I wanted anything to which I replied 'no'. He said are you sure - I reiterated. Then he asked why. I told him I didn't feel like drinking and that I hadn''t in the last few days, which I am quite sure he knows. That's when he said then you should treat yourself. I said you hate when I drink why are trying to get me to? He said it was ok if I had his permission?!? We had a friend with us so I really didnt want to get into it. But even he was shocked when my husband even offered to buy me something. When he got out of the car, I looked in back seat and my friend just said - don't even say it! My husband will literally tell eveyone we come into contact with that he absolutely hates me drinking.

Then we went to ice cream. I can't eat ice cream or reg sugar (long story) but I did have a few bites of his icecream. Then the next part is my fault. I jokingly said, oh great now I'll have a sugar high and will have to drink in order to go to sleep. Then he said, ok I will stop on the way home. I said I was just kidding and he just said, I will stop on the way home.

He didn't stop on the way home. We dropped our friend off and I was very thankful. Then when we got home. He started to play the video game we have. I was just cleaning in the kitchen. Suddenly he said, why don't you go to the store and get yourself something to drink. By now I am getting irritated because thats exactly what I wanted to do.

My son called from college he wanted to tell me something and of course the first thing he asked me was if I had been drinking I told him no not at all. Weird night because my son never asks me if I have been drinking.

I feel like last night was the worst night I have ever had. They hate it and when I finally decide I am going to do something about it, it seems like some force is trying to get me to do it.

I tried to keep busy until I knew the store would be closed but finally 15 minutes before closing, I went. I bought 6 Sambucca nips. I waited so long before I could even open the first one. I didn't want to, but I did.
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:30 AM
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Glad you are here with us....
Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum.
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:51 AM
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someone on other thread asked me if I asked him why he was so persistent, but I did not. This is how it happened:

Well at first it was just when we got the cigarettes. I didn't go in, he did. He asked me a few times if I wanted anything to which I replied 'no'. He said are you sure - I reiterated. Then he asked why. I told him I didn't feel like drinking and that I hadn''t in the last few days, which I am quite sure he knows. That's when he said then you should treat yourself. I said you hate when I drink why are trying to get me to? He said it was ok if I had his permission?!? We had a friend with us so I really didnt want to get into it. But even he was shocked when my husband even offered to buy me something. When he got out of the car, I looked in back seat and my friend just said - don't even say it! My husband will literally tell eveyone we come into contact with that he absolutely hates me drinking.

Then we went to ice cream. I can't eat ice cream or reg sugar (long story) but I did have a few bites of his icecream. Then the next part is my fault. I jokingly said, oh great now I'll have a sugar high and will have to drink in order to go to sleep. Then he said, ok I will stop on the way home. I said I was just kidding and he just said, I will stop on the way home.

He didn't stop on the way home. We dropped our friend off and I was very thankful. Then when we got home. He started to play the video game we have. I was just cleaning in the kitchen. Suddenly he said, why don't you go to the store and get yourself something to drink. By now I am getting irritated because thats exactly what I wanted to do.

My son called from college he wanted to tell me something and of course the first thing he asked me was if I had been drinking I told him no not at all. Weird night because my son never asks me if I have been drinking.

I feel like last night was the worst night I have ever had. They hate it and when I finally decide I am going to do something about it, it seems like some force is trying to get me to do it.

I tried to keep busy until I knew the store would be closed but finally 15 minutes before closing, I went. I bought 6 Sambucca nips. I waited so long before I could even open the first one. I didn't want to, but I did.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:01 AM
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Your husband's behavior is completely illogical, especially since he seems to hate your drinking and complains about it to others. Something is going on here and tho I can't identify what it is, it would seem your husband has a reason or reasons for wanting you to drink.

Only thing I can say for sure is that you've got to stop drinking because YOU want to stop. It's bad for you and you know that. So stopping drinking is really all about what's best for you. It will be harder to quit drinking without the support of your husband but it can be done. I urge you to give AA a try. Go to several meetings before you form an opinion about it. There are other recovery programs besides AA.

Please come here often and post how you are feeling. We care about your recovery and will support you. Please do whatever is best for YOU.

Welcome to a great place for support and encouragement.

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Old 09-02-2008, 09:10 AM
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You are not kidding about it being illogical. In the past, he would not ever go into the store for me and buy me anything. He has dumped out bottles I have bought, once I have gone to bed so many times. I have been unsuccessfully trying to hide my drinking for some time now. (I didnt realize you can see everything that goes on in the kitchen relected off the windows and see that in the living room) - ha ha on me! I am no stranger to addiction, my husband and myself both were addicted for a short time to crack 15 years ago. I know what needs to be done. I just feel like this is harder than giving up crack - geez who would have thought!
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:14 AM
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What am I going to do now?
What do you want to do?
Not what your husband or son want .... but you.

You are the most important person involved in your situation.
I see a lot of pain in your writing ...

Try to relax...you have found a great site to share on.
We have lots of information and supportive members who understand.

Please keep posting....
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:16 AM
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How does one get to this place. I am 38 - did a little dabbling when I was young, probably too young to drink. Never really liked it. Only socially drank once in a great while over the last 20 years. What changed in that one moment last year that suddenly, I started to drink? What happened to me. I have had alcohol in the house for months and never even touched it. Only had it around for others. What happened a year ago that sent me on this downward spiral? I can't figure it out. I feel so lost and can't find an answer to this.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
What do you want to do?
Not what your husband or son want .... but you.

You are the most important person involved in your situation.
I see a lot of pain in your writing ...

Try to relax...you have found a great site to share on.
We have lots of information and supportive members who understand.

Please keep posting....
My quote pertained to my life so far as a mother and my son not needing me any more.

I feel like in some way, I was feeling very depressed. It was right around his seventeenth birthday when that fateful day came that we went to store just for the hell of it.

Oddly enough, my husband never drank what he bought for himself. I ended up drinking it and for a while, I would buy a replacement, drink it eventually and buy a replacement and drink it, finally I was like, he won't even know its gone because he will never drink it.

My decision to stop drinking is my own. Its because, I don't want to be an addict and I want my life back and I don't want to wish the day away until I have the chance the drink.

When I made the decision to stop, I actually felt very strong because I knew, he would be so happy. Thats why his reaction was so shocking to me and then I felt very weak, so weak...

I dropped my son off at College Saturday. I miss him terribly, he is one of my best friends. We hung out together and are very close. I'm afraid my weakness at this moment and all going on around me will make it very dificult for me.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:39 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

After reading your posts, I am very suspicious of your husband's behaviour. My advice is to distance yourself, as much as possible, from his strange behaviour. I think he is trying to control you, in some way. Try to focus on yourself and your recovery. You have decided that sobriety is right for you, and you can do it.

Of course it's hard having your son leave hom to go to school, but you can get through this period. If you have free time, why not try volunteering in your community. It will help you to feel good about yourself.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:11 AM
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Well thats crappy. I was hoping that he would be supportive. I have not even talked to him about this. Maybe thats all I need to do. I have a feeling that he was just trying to make me feel better. I was being bitchy. He figured I needed a drink. I had not told him that I was going to stop drinking so maybe even though, he doesnt like it, he was trying to pacify me. The first night I didn't drink, I had no problems I had no want even. It was the next night when I was really wanting it. When I get out of work today - (I work from home, but a normal office job through another company) I think I will tell him my plan. I know he will be happy. I just thought it would feel better to me if I just did it and didn't tell him. Even last night when he persisted. I never once said that I was quitting. I just kept telling him I just didn't want to.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:46 AM
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I think maybe the reason I havent discussed it with him is that I didn't want him to be disappointed if I failed.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:50 AM
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When I stopped drinking, I didn't tell my family.

I wanted them to see the change in me.

Focus on yourself and what you're doing for your recovery. Your family will see what is happening.
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Old 09-03-2008, 04:49 AM
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I'm with Anna on this, my warning bells went off too with his reaction. Seems to me that if he knows you drink too much and normally complains loudly to any and all about your drinking then why in the world would he offer repeatedly to get you alcohol when you were declining it.

You of course can tell him but be careful that he doesn't try to sabotage your efforts. It is a passive-aggressive form of control that if you aren't aware of it can end up with you drunk. Some do this with a partner that is trying to diet. Openly praise them then slip high calorie junk into the house (oh honey, you've done so well I thought you could take a break, here, just one bite, it won't hurt) Problem is with alcohol just one drink, could kill us!

I would like to address the fact that you keep saying you've only been drinking for a year. I only drank for 3.5 years from start to finish and by the time I was finished I was facing organs that were trying to fail, a physical addiction to alcohol that was so great that I could not go more than 2 - 3 hours without shakes and vomiting setting in and 2 teenagers who had watched their mom self destruct before their very eyes. I was 35 when I started and almost 39 when I quit. Last month I celebrated 4 years sober. My now college bound kids have had the opportunity to see their mom rebuild her life and have learned about recovery in the process. They also now know that if any of their friends come up with addiction issues (and one has) that there is a place they can go. The best thing that was said when I got sober was when my 18 year old daughter (then 14) told one of my AA members that she was happy to "get her mom back". While you have to do this for you I am sure your 18 year old would love to get his old mom back too.

Alcohol can and does take women down faster than men at times so don't be fooled. If you can you might want to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can read it online. I don't know how to post links but I know Carol or someone can do that or you can look it up on the AA website.

Keep writing and let us know how its going. Stay strong and know that you can do this and the more support you have behind you the better.

Gotta get ready for work now!

Take care,
Kellye
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:25 AM
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Devil you have recieved some good replies, not sure what is up with your husband, the last thing my wife would have ever done was to encourage me to drink after I got out of detox, but I do not know what your full situation is, so I won't comment.

From what you have said it may actually be a very good time to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries, just tell thim the truth.

BTW welcome to SR.
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