HELP: Fiance admitted she has a problem but....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: School of Life
Posts: 16
HELP: Fiance admitted she has a problem but....
Hi all,
I was planning an intervention for my fiance and low and behold she admitted today in chat, while hung over, that she thinks she has a problem with alcohol and has had one for quite a while. Luckily we had a counciling session today with a therepist that is a recovering alcoholic of 20 years +! I floated the idea that maybe she should talk to our councelor about it. SHe said she would. OMG I almost fell off my chair!
So we get to the councelors office and we eventually breach it and she turns pretty quickly to denial. At one point she turns to me and says if I don't stop drinking are you going to leave me? I was just starting to get help for my recently diagnosed co-dependance said yes. Damn...she freaked. I should of clarified that if this turns out to be a problem and if she chooses not to do anthing about it then I will leave. And I will. She started going off saying that I was only looking for her problems in this relationship. I owned mine. I even offered to quit smiking today and meant it. I said would follow her into 100% sobriety. She said but I'm the party girl, it's who I am. The session ended and she bolted.
My questions is at this point what can I do? if anything. I am fighting the urge to try and "help" her see. hmmm maybe I should just worry about what I have control over and I don't have control over that....I just want her and us to win!
Open for ANY suggestions maybe even just things I shouldn't do?
Thanks in advance,
Midknight
I was planning an intervention for my fiance and low and behold she admitted today in chat, while hung over, that she thinks she has a problem with alcohol and has had one for quite a while. Luckily we had a counciling session today with a therepist that is a recovering alcoholic of 20 years +! I floated the idea that maybe she should talk to our councelor about it. SHe said she would. OMG I almost fell off my chair!
So we get to the councelors office and we eventually breach it and she turns pretty quickly to denial. At one point she turns to me and says if I don't stop drinking are you going to leave me? I was just starting to get help for my recently diagnosed co-dependance said yes. Damn...she freaked. I should of clarified that if this turns out to be a problem and if she chooses not to do anthing about it then I will leave. And I will. She started going off saying that I was only looking for her problems in this relationship. I owned mine. I even offered to quit smiking today and meant it. I said would follow her into 100% sobriety. She said but I'm the party girl, it's who I am. The session ended and she bolted.
My questions is at this point what can I do? if anything. I am fighting the urge to try and "help" her see. hmmm maybe I should just worry about what I have control over and I don't have control over that....I just want her and us to win!
Open for ANY suggestions maybe even just things I shouldn't do?
Thanks in advance,
Midknight
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 30
Dear Midknight,
There is so much I want to say to you because your dilemma is very emotional for me, but the only things I can tell you are from my own experiences and hope that it helps.
I'm an alcoholic and I will tell you that while I was drinking I was a cunning and baffling creature. Nothing could stand in between me and a drink if I wanted it. Being the good little alcoholic that I was/am I would have taken the situation you just described and used it as an excuse to drink even more. There was a significant period of time between me floating the idea that I had a drinking problem and me actually accepting that I was an alcoholic and getting the help that I needed. Denial was the only way I could cope with what I was doing and I didn’t think that a me existed apart from alcohol. I would alternate between being very angry and belligerent, to being very agreeable and appeasing when the subject was brought up, whatever would best deflect the attention off of me or dissuade the topic from every being brought up again.
In the end, my family sought out an addiction counselor so they could get educated, did a ton of reading and ultimately staged an intervention for me. They did the opposite of what I would have expected at the time and it completely disarmed me. First of all, they truly took me by surprise, and then they gave me no ultimatums, there was no emotional outbursts; they calmly told me that they loved me and would love me no matter what. They also told me that they were aware of my addiction and would help me get help if I wanted it. If I did not want to quit, did not want help, they would still love me, but would leave me to my own consequences. In other words they were not ever going to bail me out financially, they were never going to agree with what I was doing, they were not going to pretend that there was nothing wrong and they were in no way going to enable me. In an instant, I knew they meant it and I was ready to get help for me, not for anyone else, just for me.
I totally respect that you are willing to do an intervention for your fiancée. Even though I hated it at the time, I am grateful that there were people who cared enough about me to put themselves in the uncomfortable and unenviable position of confronting me. They were taking a huge risk, they could have lost me for a while or forever if I had been unwilling to hear them. (They also prayed a lot beforehand that I would be willing!) I’m very fortunate that they loved me enough to take that risk. The key to it all was that nobody else could fix me and anybody who tried against my will, failed utterly. I had to want recovery for myself and simply put, did not get help until I was completely ready to do so.
Take Care Midknight and I hope you find something in my story a help,
Ophelia
There is so much I want to say to you because your dilemma is very emotional for me, but the only things I can tell you are from my own experiences and hope that it helps.
I'm an alcoholic and I will tell you that while I was drinking I was a cunning and baffling creature. Nothing could stand in between me and a drink if I wanted it. Being the good little alcoholic that I was/am I would have taken the situation you just described and used it as an excuse to drink even more. There was a significant period of time between me floating the idea that I had a drinking problem and me actually accepting that I was an alcoholic and getting the help that I needed. Denial was the only way I could cope with what I was doing and I didn’t think that a me existed apart from alcohol. I would alternate between being very angry and belligerent, to being very agreeable and appeasing when the subject was brought up, whatever would best deflect the attention off of me or dissuade the topic from every being brought up again.
In the end, my family sought out an addiction counselor so they could get educated, did a ton of reading and ultimately staged an intervention for me. They did the opposite of what I would have expected at the time and it completely disarmed me. First of all, they truly took me by surprise, and then they gave me no ultimatums, there was no emotional outbursts; they calmly told me that they loved me and would love me no matter what. They also told me that they were aware of my addiction and would help me get help if I wanted it. If I did not want to quit, did not want help, they would still love me, but would leave me to my own consequences. In other words they were not ever going to bail me out financially, they were never going to agree with what I was doing, they were not going to pretend that there was nothing wrong and they were in no way going to enable me. In an instant, I knew they meant it and I was ready to get help for me, not for anyone else, just for me.
I totally respect that you are willing to do an intervention for your fiancée. Even though I hated it at the time, I am grateful that there were people who cared enough about me to put themselves in the uncomfortable and unenviable position of confronting me. They were taking a huge risk, they could have lost me for a while or forever if I had been unwilling to hear them. (They also prayed a lot beforehand that I would be willing!) I’m very fortunate that they loved me enough to take that risk. The key to it all was that nobody else could fix me and anybody who tried against my will, failed utterly. I had to want recovery for myself and simply put, did not get help until I was completely ready to do so.
Take Care Midknight and I hope you find something in my story a help,
Ophelia
Last edited by Ophelia; 07-16-2003 at 10:31 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Just a suggestion!
Tell your fiance that any plans you two had to get married are on hold until she has at least three years sober. I was thinking five years but I compromised. The reason being that in my opinion and experience, the longer a person is sober, the less chance there is of going back out. They seem to realize that as time passes they have more to lose. Right now, she has nothing to lose except you and the booze may be more important to her than you are. She may abstane for a period just to get married and then drink again and then you're off to the races. It's easier to stop the train now while you're on a flat place rather than to wait until the train is going down hill.
Bottom line is you take care of you. Let her be responsible for her.
Tell your fiance that any plans you two had to get married are on hold until she has at least three years sober. I was thinking five years but I compromised. The reason being that in my opinion and experience, the longer a person is sober, the less chance there is of going back out. They seem to realize that as time passes they have more to lose. Right now, she has nothing to lose except you and the booze may be more important to her than you are. She may abstane for a period just to get married and then drink again and then you're off to the races. It's easier to stop the train now while you're on a flat place rather than to wait until the train is going down hill.
Bottom line is you take care of you. Let her be responsible for her.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
My Advice..
Whew! It's wierd because I am actually in this situation from the other way around! I am the drunk! 
My fiance put our wedding plans on hold until he could be sure what was going on with me. I've already been going to meetings for about 6 months now with (as anyone on here could tell you) multiple relapses. From my own experience, once i realized I had a problem and decided that I thought I should stop...well, there was the period of denial. At first my b/f was totally supportive but after I relapsed so many times, he got sick of it. He got sick of hearing my lies and coming home to me drunk all the time. It's just a fact that it's going to happen. However, it's a long hard road but if you love her, you just have to stick with it. I mean, it's been six months and I don't think my b/f belives a word out of my mouth anymore when I say..I want to be sober. He just kinda stays mute and goes...well, that's nice Stacey. That's what you need to do. We fought and fought over the past six months over and over and over about drinking because I understand, he gets frusterated as I'm sure you do. However, the place that she is right now, you need to give her undying support. When my b/f told me that if I didn't at least try to quit he was going to leave me and he put the wedding on hold. He's done all that...but honestly...the best thing that he has done for me is just to talk to me. To honestly listen to me and give his unbiased opinion. It's when he's like...why can't you stop? I'm going to leave if you don't stop. All that does is throw more confusion into an already mixed up mind. It's hard enough to accept the fact that you're an alcoholic and all this is giong on at once. It's a huge change to stop drinking and end an entire lifestyle. I mean, I can't imagine that having a baby would change my life more! It's been a long long hard struggle and I know I'm not near to being over, but I think I"ve got the drinking under control now. I can tell my b/f doesn't belive me, he has hope and that's what I need. When you get frusterated at her, if she's at least trying, that's what matters. And if she's at least to the point of admitting that she has a problem, I'd be willing to say that even if she's fighting it and saying that she's not going to change at all...the wheels in her head are spinning. It won't take long of getting drunk, blacking out..etc...before she starts to think about her problem. Get her to AA. That's what really did it for me. Once I'd gone and I realized deep down that I was an alcoholic, there was no turning back. You can't deny the truth forever ya know? It sounds as if she's just angry that she has a problem...you just need to bite down and give undying support and unbiased opinions that support her trying to quit. You can very very gently ask her if she's upset about having a problem and I bet you can get what she's really thinking out.
Stacey
My fiance put our wedding plans on hold until he could be sure what was going on with me. I've already been going to meetings for about 6 months now with (as anyone on here could tell you) multiple relapses. From my own experience, once i realized I had a problem and decided that I thought I should stop...well, there was the period of denial. At first my b/f was totally supportive but after I relapsed so many times, he got sick of it. He got sick of hearing my lies and coming home to me drunk all the time. It's just a fact that it's going to happen. However, it's a long hard road but if you love her, you just have to stick with it. I mean, it's been six months and I don't think my b/f belives a word out of my mouth anymore when I say..I want to be sober. He just kinda stays mute and goes...well, that's nice Stacey. That's what you need to do. We fought and fought over the past six months over and over and over about drinking because I understand, he gets frusterated as I'm sure you do. However, the place that she is right now, you need to give her undying support. When my b/f told me that if I didn't at least try to quit he was going to leave me and he put the wedding on hold. He's done all that...but honestly...the best thing that he has done for me is just to talk to me. To honestly listen to me and give his unbiased opinion. It's when he's like...why can't you stop? I'm going to leave if you don't stop. All that does is throw more confusion into an already mixed up mind. It's hard enough to accept the fact that you're an alcoholic and all this is giong on at once. It's a huge change to stop drinking and end an entire lifestyle. I mean, I can't imagine that having a baby would change my life more! It's been a long long hard struggle and I know I'm not near to being over, but I think I"ve got the drinking under control now. I can tell my b/f doesn't belive me, he has hope and that's what I need. When you get frusterated at her, if she's at least trying, that's what matters. And if she's at least to the point of admitting that she has a problem, I'd be willing to say that even if she's fighting it and saying that she's not going to change at all...the wheels in her head are spinning. It won't take long of getting drunk, blacking out..etc...before she starts to think about her problem. Get her to AA. That's what really did it for me. Once I'd gone and I realized deep down that I was an alcoholic, there was no turning back. You can't deny the truth forever ya know? It sounds as if she's just angry that she has a problem...you just need to bite down and give undying support and unbiased opinions that support her trying to quit. You can very very gently ask her if she's upset about having a problem and I bet you can get what she's really thinking out.Stacey
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 189
Midknight
Welcome to the boards and stick around...you will get alot of varying opinions you can take a little bit from each and make up your opinion!!
My questions is at this point what can I do? if anything. I am fighting the urge to try and "help" her see. hmmm maybe I should just worry about what I have control over and I don't have control over that....I just want her and us to win!
In answer to the above statement...especially "what can I do?...I suggest you do something that I did during my 4th step...in AA.
I wrote down my "ideal man in my case, woman in yours. I became really specific about what I was looking for in the character of the person I was going to spend my life with. I then stuck to it and didn't compromise.
I knew that a recovering A, actually working on sobriety fit into my ideal....but someone still using was not.
You deserve to have what you want...and as a co...you need to worry about you!
I have also come to the realization that Real Love....is sober.
Good luck to you and your fiance
Anne
Hey Stacey...
Tell your guy to get educated on alcoholism...maybe he will be more compassionate. But remember...relapse doesn't have to be a part of your story. If you are getting things out of your AA meetings you should have tools and defense for that first drink...If you keep relapsing..maybe you are not Ready???
Take Care
Anne
My questions is at this point what can I do? if anything. I am fighting the urge to try and "help" her see. hmmm maybe I should just worry about what I have control over and I don't have control over that....I just want her and us to win!
In answer to the above statement...especially "what can I do?...I suggest you do something that I did during my 4th step...in AA.
I wrote down my "ideal man in my case, woman in yours. I became really specific about what I was looking for in the character of the person I was going to spend my life with. I then stuck to it and didn't compromise.
I knew that a recovering A, actually working on sobriety fit into my ideal....but someone still using was not.
You deserve to have what you want...and as a co...you need to worry about you!
I have also come to the realization that Real Love....is sober.
Good luck to you and your fiance
Anne
Hey Stacey...
Tell your guy to get educated on alcoholism...maybe he will be more compassionate. But remember...relapse doesn't have to be a part of your story. If you are getting things out of your AA meetings you should have tools and defense for that first drink...If you keep relapsing..maybe you are not Ready???
Take Care
Anne
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi midknight,welcome to SR.
I am glad to hear you and your fiance are both trying to get help for your individual problems.
Alcoholism and codependency each have potentially life damaging consequences.
Alcoholism especially is a cunning baffling and powerful disease and as a practising alcoholic I did not take kindly to anyone giving me ultimatums.
I have walked away from relationships in an act of defiance and self destruction,muttering to myself that I would "show 'em all who is an alcoholic.I don't need anybody."
I personally believe that alcoholics/addicts because of their deep and super sensitive nature have the ability to love with great passion.
Working on a relationship with someone we care for very deeply requires tact and consideration especially when dealing with an alcoholic
I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent in a relationship with a recovering addict.I know about boundaries.However when it comes to establishing and enforcing my boundaries I have found it wise to employ a little bit of judgement.
Your fiance has to find her own way and she can do so with your love and support not with you taking an active part in her recovery.Sometimes the best support we can offer someone is to stay focused on our own issues.
Any alcoholic who expresses a desire to stop drinking should be encouraged.Many alcoholics at this stage of the process are very frightened confused and hurt and need love and understanding.Not threats and ultimatums.
I am sorry to hear your counselling session did not go well.I am assuming your therapist is a professional in addictions counselling.Maybe next time you could allow her to have a one on one session alone with the counsellor.
In the meantime keep working on your own codependency and best of luck to both of you.
I am glad to hear you and your fiance are both trying to get help for your individual problems.
Alcoholism and codependency each have potentially life damaging consequences.
Alcoholism especially is a cunning baffling and powerful disease and as a practising alcoholic I did not take kindly to anyone giving me ultimatums.
I have walked away from relationships in an act of defiance and self destruction,muttering to myself that I would "show 'em all who is an alcoholic.I don't need anybody."
I personally believe that alcoholics/addicts because of their deep and super sensitive nature have the ability to love with great passion.
Working on a relationship with someone we care for very deeply requires tact and consideration especially when dealing with an alcoholic
I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent in a relationship with a recovering addict.I know about boundaries.However when it comes to establishing and enforcing my boundaries I have found it wise to employ a little bit of judgement.
Your fiance has to find her own way and she can do so with your love and support not with you taking an active part in her recovery.Sometimes the best support we can offer someone is to stay focused on our own issues.
Any alcoholic who expresses a desire to stop drinking should be encouraged.Many alcoholics at this stage of the process are very frightened confused and hurt and need love and understanding.Not threats and ultimatums.
I am sorry to hear your counselling session did not go well.I am assuming your therapist is a professional in addictions counselling.Maybe next time you could allow her to have a one on one session alone with the counsellor.
In the meantime keep working on your own codependency and best of luck to both of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Midknight,
Real good advice all around here. Like they say take what you can use and leave the rest. Unfortunatly, the decision is yours and we all are here for you.
I am glad she admitted it though! That was probably very hard and scary for her. Good luck!
Real good advice all around here. Like they say take what you can use and leave the rest. Unfortunatly, the decision is yours and we all are here for you.
I am glad she admitted it though! That was probably very hard and scary for her. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: School of Life
Posts: 16
UPDATE: she's mulling
Thanks everyone for the replies they have helped a lot. Well it's certainly kicking around in her head. She been saying if we both go sober for 90 days (I'm voluntarily joining her) like the therapist recommended that we won't be able to drink at "X" events coming up! I said we'll deal with it and probably have fun!
No commitment from her. She's been out drinking 4 nights this week! All social engagements but still 3 of the 4 she's been pretty drunk. I told her that I'm not going to tell her she shouldn't drink or keep track of how much she does drink. This is her problem and it's her business. I find myself WANTING to ask but I don't. I taste the words on my lips and then swollow them. I let that go. I want her to SEE so badly her problem but I keep reminding myself that she is the captain on her ship to sobriety! Only she can decide if she's going to chart that coarse. I gotta remember I'm not on her ship and that I'm the captain of my own ship and if she decides to chart a coarse into dangerous waters that I need to chart my own coarse. The winds are a changing, storms ahead or clear skies only higher powers know!
One question for me still lingers. How long do I wait for her to get herself into some kind of treatment (AA & counceling)?
I'm thinking a month, any opinions on that? More time?
Remember that fears are rarely as scary as they seem when you face them and the inverse of this is that you are stronger than you think and you'll find the strength when you try!
Stay strong my newfound friends,
-Midknight
No commitment from her. She's been out drinking 4 nights this week! All social engagements but still 3 of the 4 she's been pretty drunk. I told her that I'm not going to tell her she shouldn't drink or keep track of how much she does drink. This is her problem and it's her business. I find myself WANTING to ask but I don't. I taste the words on my lips and then swollow them. I let that go. I want her to SEE so badly her problem but I keep reminding myself that she is the captain on her ship to sobriety! Only she can decide if she's going to chart that coarse. I gotta remember I'm not on her ship and that I'm the captain of my own ship and if she decides to chart a coarse into dangerous waters that I need to chart my own coarse. The winds are a changing, storms ahead or clear skies only higher powers know!
One question for me still lingers. How long do I wait for her to get herself into some kind of treatment (AA & counceling)?
I'm thinking a month, any opinions on that? More time?
Remember that fears are rarely as scary as they seem when you face them and the inverse of this is that you are stronger than you think and you'll find the strength when you try!
Stay strong my newfound friends,
-Midknight
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Re: UPDATE: she's mulling
Originally posted by midknight
One question for me still lingers. How long do I wait for her to get herself into some kind of treatment (AA & counceling)?
I'm thinking a month, any opinions on that? More time?
One question for me still lingers. How long do I wait for her to get herself into some kind of treatment (AA & counceling)?
I'm thinking a month, any opinions on that? More time?
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: California
Posts: 7
What worked for us
Your situation sounds a lot like my husband and me. I am the alcoholic who has been in recovery for over two years now. Here's what did it for me:
1) He started going to Al-Anon meetings
2) He said that he was unable to continue in the status quo
3) I tried "controlled drinking" at the advice of the therapist. For me this meant two glasses of wine per day - not any more and not any less - ever. I could stop drinking for long periods of time if I was motivated enough and knew that I could drink again - but the controlled drinking brought me to my knees
I was pissed as hell at him for quite a long time - but I got sober. We're still together and the relationship is better than it has ever been - still not ideal, of course - but sooo much better.
Good luck to you. You are taking the right approach. Marrying an active alcoholic is utter lunacy.
1) He started going to Al-Anon meetings
2) He said that he was unable to continue in the status quo
3) I tried "controlled drinking" at the advice of the therapist. For me this meant two glasses of wine per day - not any more and not any less - ever. I could stop drinking for long periods of time if I was motivated enough and knew that I could drink again - but the controlled drinking brought me to my knees
I was pissed as hell at him for quite a long time - but I got sober. We're still together and the relationship is better than it has ever been - still not ideal, of course - but sooo much better.
Good luck to you. You are taking the right approach. Marrying an active alcoholic is utter lunacy.
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