jazzz

I can have terrific fun when I drink. I'm funny to others too, but sometimes I go into autopilot and become this terrible person. I get very annoying and just out of reach and I can't remember a thing when I wake up. People also sometimes laugh at that but for me it's dreadful not knowing what I did and said.
I have friends who say "you became the other person". Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. Blackouts are indeed terrible!

WIthdrawals are also terrible. I become very socially anxious, can't write or do anything in front of other people when I have "hangovers". I think it's withdrawals coz it's different for me than my friends.
So I just lay for two-three days doing nothing until I can function again. Then I drink again the next weekend. And the next. And the next...
I've decided I can't drink. I live for it. It's been the highlight of my life for so many years. But I'm beginning to loose respect for myself and I can't help but wonder my life would be so much better without it. But I always go back to the old way of thinking. "Just this once, not tomorrow.." Sometimes I succeed, mostly not though.

Sometimes I drink succesfully, others I'm in a rage of some freakin' kind. And my reputation is suffering. I live in a small country, small community and we have a real drink mentality here. I just don't want to live like this anymore. I want something more out of life...I don't like what I've become.

Oh yeah, I just started a university education. I know if I keep drinking I'm not gonna succeed...

So I've decided to give it a go, once more. Starting on antabuse and hoping for the best

Wish me luck and pray for me please!

Dee74

Welcome Jazzz.

Stick around - this is a good place to be

Good luck!
D

HopeTo180

Way to go jazzz! I too was back and forth for a long time. When the negative start outweighing the positive, It's time to rethink the destination. This is day 2 for me and surprisingly it's not so bad. I'm sure the challenges will come but, I've made up my mind. This is it for me, I'm done. I have given up too much of my time and probably years of my life. When I decided this time, something was different. I had no feelings of waver. I realized that I had made a concrete decision. Keep posting jazzz and yes, good luck and prayers are heading your way.

When ever you feel the need for help say this "Okay God, here we go!" This is powerful! It acknowledges you need help, you know God and that he is with you.

nandm

Welcome back Jazz.

CarolD

Glad to see you again....and Yes!
you too can win over alcohol

I use God and AA for my sucessful recovery.

Blessings

tommyk

Keep coming back, stay focused.

vegibean

When you're ready, you're ready. I think you're about there. I know that sounds a lot like where I was before the "end". I used to love drinking, I had a great time, was a great drunk but I got to that point where it wasn't fun any more. I know that I'm not alone when I say it even got to the point where it was so bad that I only drank because I had to in order to be able to function and at the same I didn't want to because IT WASN'T fun any more.

I checked myself into a detox and then rehab center and spent the last year of my life getting better and I'm so glad I did. I don't even want to go back there, I don't want to feel like that any more, it was horrible!!!

I absolutely wish you the best!!!!! You can do it and don't knock yourself if you don't get it the first, second, third time whatever. I know many people, including myself, that had to do a lot of "research" first. Good luck on your sobriety!!!

Tazman53

Jazz gald you are trying again, keep this in mind, it may help.

Not sure what you are doing except antabuse to not drink, but be HONEST with your self and the second thoughts of not taking the antabuse to where you can drink pop into your head be WILLING & OPEN MINDED enough to try something new you have not tried before to not drink.

I wish you all the best, keep HOW in mind Honest, Open Minded, & Willing.

jazzz

Alright. I made it through the first weekend. And I haven't been taking the antabuse. I know it's going to be hard over the next few weeks, but I really wanna see if long term sobriety is for me. I have a feeling it is.

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps a lot. SR rules!

jazzz

Tazman, I'm not really doing anything to keep me sober yet. But I am moving in a new apartment and I've just started school. Now, I know that sounds like an atomic explosion, but well...I'm hoping for a "good" explosion, if you know what I mean. I really want to do this and I'm willing to change.

Thanks for the support!