nandm

A recent thread left me with this thought on my mind.

I am wondering what has brought each of you to the place where you decided to try and find a way out of the mire that is alcoholism. Please feel free to share you thoughts and experience on the subject of what brought you to seek recovery.

For years I thought that what brought me to my knees was the realization that not only was my drinking slowly killing me but also it was destroying those that cared the most about me as well. Today I realize that it goes deeper than that. If I had to put it into one word that word would be "Hope". I had lost all hope that life could change, that I could change, that my world could change. I felt as though I was just going to continue with the whirl of water going down the toilet until my body finally succumed to this disease.

What renewed that hope was borne of desperation. I did not want to die but I had no idea how to live life and not feel completely insane without drinking.

What brought back hope for me was hearing the people in my first meeting of AA share their experience, strength, and hope. I finally was able to catch a glimpse of the idea that it might be possible for me to find some peace in my life since they seemed to have found it for themselves. There is a passage in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that truly describes how I felt when I finally reached out for help.

Quote:

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship, and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom, and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends, and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt---and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering deniznes of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did---then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen---Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand.

(from the chapter A Vision for You)

An old timer said that "Once we are pickled, we can never be cucumbers again." The truth of this statement has been borne out in the vast experience of those who have found sobriety. Once we lose our ability to control our drinking, it is gone forever.
We experience terror that we are out of control,
bewilderment that despite our firm resolve we have gotten drunk again,
frustration that our willpower can not bring about the life that we desire,
and despair that we will ever rise out of the mire into which we are sinking.

There are many ways to recovery. Many different recovery programs. If any of what I have shared here rings true for you and you are struggling to find hope, please reach out, there is hope, find a program that works for you. Sobriety is truly a blessing.

Dee74

I wanted not to die firstly, but I also wanted, in my heart of hearts, to be the man I always wanted to be.

I fell victim to the easy fix of alcohol, and it slowly consumed me until it literally was my life. I lived in my little bedsit, smoking and drinking and watching tv...and that was it.

I fell over a lot. I could have died any number of times. the day before I stopped I fell over twice and hit my head badly each time....still bought booze tho.

I was terrified I'd finally gone too far. My brain wasn't working. I was out of phase, simple movements were a trial....I couldn't eat, barely slept.

So I decided to try again...one last try....but this time I decided to add a new element rather than just not drinking...and I came to SR.

It kept me honest and took me out of myself when helping others, and it taught me that just not drinking isn't enough. And all that has made the difference.

I've got the not dying down, so now it's onto the bigger task - trying to be the man I want to be - it's work in progress LOL but the life I have now would have been fantasy 18 months ago.

If anyone doubts they can make it, please don't.

I drank for 15 years, the last 5 yrs every day, and the last 2 or 3 all day everyday (with breaks for sickness or whatever). I was dead but my body didn't know it.

It's never too late

D

bostonluv

Gosh, that's tough because there are so many moments I would realize: this needs to stop. This is a problem. You should seriously think about quitting entirely. Usually I'd be hung over in the shower and I just knew eventually I'd have to stop and it would make me very very sad. I'd go out that night and get my wine dismissing the whole idea as an over reaction. October 2006 I had a realization after a huge blow out fight with my boyfriend. I had texted him to apologize and he had said, I know you're stressed, tired, I shouldn't have said this or that, etc. I said, no it's the alcohol. My drinking is causing a lot of these problems. I'm an alcoholic. BAM. That lasted for a bit. Tried to quit for awhile and then cut back and moderated and then didn't moderate in secret, etc. In 2007 I did a 30 day fast and just stopped drinking. It was no problem. Didn't think about it. My boyfriend said, I'm really glad you quit drinking, things are so much better. I started again a little after that and things fell apart pretty fast with our relationship. Attended AA for awhile. Chucked the whole idea when I moved and got a new job. I'll just moderate I said to myself. This job is easier and not having my nagging boyfriend around will be nice. Then my alcoholism really progressed and I would get dry for a week or two and then go on binges. Missed worked, threw up for days and would zombify myself. I wasn't sad just felt nothing. I noticed my body wasn't healing minor scraps and bruises. This concerned me. I was drinking and driving a lot and realized it was just a matter of time before I got pulled over or worse. I was starting to see some real possible consequences. The YETS in my future: jail, a car wreck, losing friends, losing my job. I think my last binge when I called in sick to work for a week. I was imoblized by depression and my bottle. I literally curled up with it night and day for about 10 days straight. I'm not a functional alcoholic anymore. The glory days are gone. This is not fun. It was the worst withdrawal I ever had (very similar to withdrawing from meth which is awful)and I finally realized that drinking could kill me. That just hadn't *clicked* before. That I could die and not from a drunk and drive but from withdrawal or alcohol poisoining. And I thought, do I hate myself this much? What am I doing to myself? That's the first time I could really see the dream of wanting to live the rest of my life sober. I don't know that I can do it but I'm willing to keep trying by doing it one day at a time. That's all I can do. I also asked a friend today: Have you ever heard someone say, I wish I had never quit drinking? I wish I'd spent the last 20, 30, 40 years drinking more? Nope. Never heard that. I doubt anyone has said it. I'm 32 years old and can picture myself old and wrinkled and thanking this younger version of myself for doing this now. It's just my time. I really hope it's done.

CarolD

Depression

That deep ... dark cold feeling that surrounded me
I felt my soul had drown ...my brain saturated with alcohol.

Fortunately....I was diagnosed with situational depression.

Once I finally quit....it left rather quickly
it's never returned....19 years later.

I absolutely know if I started drinking again
depression would follow.

That's why I stay connected
to my God and AA..

least

I was sick of who I'd become. My life was a wreck and I knew I had to do something before it was too late. I didn't want to be that drunken idiot anymore. I wanted to enjoy my life and not worry about what I'd done while drinking. I'd had enough and wanted to stop poisoning myself.

It took me many false starts before I finally caught on, but am very glad now that I'm sober and learning how to deal with life on life's terms.

dancinggirl

I started having weird flutterings in my heart that lasted continuously (gone now). I also had pain in my side which would terrify me that it might be my liver (have made a doc. apt. now). I was keeping my store closed so I could nap/recover the next day. I was eating crappy food to soak up the booze the next day. I was snapping at my kids. I was starting to look wrinkly from being dehydrated! I was driving the next morning....with the kids in the car....when I absolutely shouldn't have. That last one shames me terribly.

tamcor123

for me i was dead on the inside with no hope of the future, but with the help of a friend who shared his expierince,strength and hope i found the door to AA only to find out i was finally home where people loved me unconditionally and i could do the same. This was the only place in my life that had happened so the last twelve years being sober and progressing spiritually i can pass this on to everyone who still suffers from the same thing i do.
ALCAHOLISM.:ghug2

Tazman53

Initially a fear of dying a slow miserable death from drinking, alone with nothing but a bottle to comfort me. I was tired of alcohol owning me and running my life. I had gangrene of the sould, I hated myself and blamed the world and every one in it for all of my problems while at same time despising myself for being unable to control the beast within.

After seeing death in my future, I was scared and alone, no one was left to enable me to drink any longer and I had no real idea how to stop on my own so I called a drug and alcohol hotline, they set me up with a doctor, the doctor sent me to detox, detox sent me to AA, that was almost 2 years ago.

Isaiah

I messed up a relationship. I was drunk about as often as not, and probably worse, hid it completely from my ex. It didn't take too long for her to figure it out and I promised to cut down. Instead I just didn't drink when I knew I'd see her and get hammered when I knew I wouldn't.

Then came legal troubles. I got caught and convicted of drunk driving. I dumped out my alcohol and went sober for several months, started drinking moderately. After a falling out with AA, I got into some arguments with old timers. Very foolishly started drinking perhaps in a way to spite the recovery everyone was pushing on me. Ended up wrecking another relationship. Almost lost a job when, while under the influence, told a co-worker what I *really* thought of him. Almost lost my present job after a post-binge, withdrawal-induced anxiety attack.

In most of these cases my theory had always been "I'm going to sober up for a spell and then figure out how to drink like I did when I was responsible with it." Each time I just kept falling back into a binge-break pattern that just wasn't working. At this point I don't care any more about managing it. I just want assurance that my life isn't going to be tossed around by alcohol; sobriety seems an obvious way to go.

Zencat

I was rotting away as a human being. I became a miserable detached recluse with utter despise for everything and everybody including for myself. I tethered on the brink of madness. Death appeared as my only escape from the repulsive deplorable condition of my useless existence.

I sough treatment at the local county health clinic. Learned how to treat my chemical dependence and continue with that treatment today. I have renewed hope and faith in recovery. Today there is a joyful purpose of my life and I share in enthusiastic community with others like myself.

doorknob

The way I feel right now!

1963comet

I was so sick when I quit drinking. I had lost everything and ended up in a homeless shelter. The only thing I had left was hope. People at the shelter were putting sayings on the x-mas tree. Mine was Hope

That was over 7 1/2 years ago. And everything I had hoped for was returned to me. My license is the last thing I need. Sept 5th is the date to have it restored if they see fit.

22NGONE

Initially I went to A.A. because my wife told me if I didn't change my behavior she was going to leave. Well I changed my behavior and she left anyways. Luckily, I had been in the rooms a couple of weeks before this happened and had found the hope of A.A.. I kept going back for myself and so far so good, one day at a time. I will probably never see eye to eye with my wife on the way our marriage ended but I will always be thankful to her for giving me the push that got me into recovery. I thank God every day for A.A. and my new friends, without them I would be totally lost.

John

Bamboozle

Wow...that's me! I started having heart palpitations (premature beats) in November 2007. It scared the crap out of me, but it still took me about a month and a half before I had my first serious attempt at quitting! I've been off and on sober in 2008...more sober days than drunk. I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting...six years of my life wasted spent being wasted. WTF was I doing? There has to be more to my life than this.

Even though I quit again (23 days sober), I still have this fairly constant pain in my right side. It's not especially painful, but it is bothersome. I'm pretty sure (and fairly worried) it's related to drinking. If it gets much worse, I'm going to see the doctor early (I'm not due back for a visit until December this year). Crossing my fingers and hoping it's gas or a cramp!

AnthonyV

There were many times before in the 20 years prior when I sought sobriety, but I really didn't want it. I liked the idea of being sober, but wasn't too crazy about the reality that being sober involved not drinking.

Two years or so ago I realized I had cut myself off from the world. I went to work. I came home. I drank. That's it, nothing else. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I don't want to die alone. I don't want my landlord to have to key in the police into my apartment to do a 'well-being' check because I haven't shown up for work for days, only for them to find my rotting corpse because I drank myself to death. Alcohol had allowed me to cut myself off from my friends, my family, my community and most sadly the potential of my life. So I wrote a list of goals. Quit smoking, quit drinking, loose weight, get my finances in order, move out of this sh*t-hole apartment and find a life partner. The most important, quit drinking.

So far I've quit smoking (ended doing that first, 2 years next week), quit drinking(mixed success, but getting there), lost 50lbs, my finances are getting there, I have 9 months left on this lease and then I move...the partner part...meh, you win some, you lose some.

nandm

I want to say thank you to all who have shared. To address each post individually would make my post way to long but I do want to say thank you for adding to my life today by sharing your experience, strength, and hope.

353

After 4 years of sobriety without AA, I re-aquainted myself with alcohol. After 4 years of that I went to AA, found a sponsor, started working the steps. My sponsorship family is big on definitions of words. Which was good for me because being the alcoholic I am, I thought I knew everything. This is part of my first step work that I read on a regular basis and have included as part of my lead. This keeps me focused on why I went to to my first meeting....

Unmanageability
(Step 1)

Manageable is defined as: capable of being managed. It follows that unmanageable is defined as: un-capable of being managed.

My definition of unmanageability in relation to my life as an alcoholic would be:

While a practicing alcoholic I’m unable to conduct my life in a manner that resembles anything worth living. Looking to people that I most respect, I’m quick to recognize characteristics that make their lives, the way the conduct themselves, appealing to me.
Those characteristics would include integrity, honesty, humility and patience.

During my period of sobriety I discovered I can work to achieve some semblance of these character traits and while I will never be perfect, I had a chance to make progress. In the throes of addiction my life is the antithesis of anything redeeming.

My drinking and drug use did cause monetary problems that contributed to my life’s unmanageability. But those problems, while evident and destructive, paled in comparison to the spiritual devastation I was subjecting myself to through my addictions.

My ten examples of unmanageability can be accounted for on a single night. A night that would be repeated over and over…

Ten examples of unmanageability;

1. The thought of the next drink would eat away at me and I would plan my life around it. Would it rain today? What a perfect day that would be to take off early and drink a few, I could have a couple and be home before the wife, what’s the harm? Maybe I could take off early and finish my job tomorrow, I deserve a break today. Had a great day at work today, I need to celebrate. Pick any scenario, I used them all. Even before the first drink my work was being adversely affected.

2. Let’s go to Frickers and get some wings, that’s a great idea. My co-workers are broke but that’s OK, I’ve got plastic. Let’s drink 5 long island iced teas apiece in an hour and a half. I’ve got money to burn. But let’s leave after 5 or so, don’t want to wear out our welcome.

3. Time to move on to the next spot for another 4 or 5. Never mind that I’m now placing myself in total jeopardy by drinking and driving. I won’t get caught because I’m driving fine and if I don’t get caught there’s no need for explanations to the wife and children. I’m sorry Son, Daddy didn’t mean to get thrown in jail, and I promise I’ll never…

4. Did somebody say dope man? Time for another trip; keep an eye out for the police, besides it’s only money. Now I’m driving drunk and buying illegal drugs. Yes this seems quite unmanageable when I’m sober, it’s tragic I have no sense of morals once I begin this ****.

5. It’s 4 or 5 in the morning, I’m staring at a wall and wondering how this happened again and wishing it would just go away. I wish I could come down enough to drive home. I realize once again that my Son will wake up in a couple of hours and discover all over again that his father is a worthless piece of ****. And the wife, how does she put up with me. I’m leaving her all the duties of parenthood and running the household while I wallow in unmitigated selfishness, she is a stronger person than I could ever dream of being.

6. The sun is rising; the family has left for another day of living. Hopefully I can make it into the house without the neighbors seeing me, but I know they know and I try to tell myself I don’t care but my soul is being crushed by guilt, shame and humiliation.

7. I curl up in my basement and pull the covers over my head; sometimes tears flow from my eyes as I try to figure a way out, a way back to the place I was a few years ago. I cringe when the phone rings. It could be the wife wanting an explaination she knows I can’t give, or my boss wondering why the homeowner is calling the shop and I’m not on the job. Either way, I pretend I don’t hear it and I collapse into that darkest place.

8. I have stayed lost in that place for days sometimes. Afraid to move, afraid to do anything, thinking somehow, someway, if I just stay here long enough the shame will pass and I will emerge new and whole. A few years ago this behavior was greeted with protest from my family but they seem to be desensitized now. It’s a terrible thing, I’m slowly killing myself, I’m killing my family too, I’m destroying their lives, I HAVE NO RIGHT

9. Mending fences is becoming more difficult the further I slip into my addictions. Some fences are forever broken. Missing family gatherings because I’m too ashamed of myself, I find myself glancing away from people when I talk to them.

10. The lies, it’s unbearable.

To call my life, while I’m drinking and drugging, unmanageable is a gross understatement. Under the influence I have no life to manage.

ytytyt

When I realised I was sick and tired of drinking being the most important thing in my life.
When I realised I have no control over my intake once I have had a first drink.

When I realised I want to change, please.

nandm

:ghug2Welcome to SR and our alcoholism forum, ytytyt!

Signal30

My son is what prempted me to do something about my alcholism. I knew that I could not be a good father drunk, depressed, etc...

As I progressed in the program, I learned that I needed to be sober for me first. The benifits from that formed from that starting point.


Tom