Chrysalis123

The alcoholic in my life is my XH and he swears he loves our kids. But at times his behavior doesn't match. The other day the 10 year old wanted to spend the night with dad. We live several blocks apart, the kid called dad, and he said sure and the child walked over. What I didn't know was that he wasn't there, he doesn't have a phone there, and he told the kid he would be back shortly. I catch wind of this 60 minutes later and head over to check on kid. Kid bursts into tears because of no phone, it's starting to get dark, and Dad was not back shortly. Take kid home and say you can go back when he returns. Get a call at 10:30 PM (over 3 hours from when kid arrived) from dad wanting kid, and this was the first dad realized kid was missing. I said no cause kid is in bed and all hell broke loose. Dad says I'm unreasonable, controlling, you know the rest.

Yet, he LOVES his kid. But that behavior not only endangered this kid physically but emotionally as well. This is the 3rd time this has happened and the boundaries are going up in big flashing lights (since he said he had no memory of me having a problem with the kid being alone at night while he is out socializing) ....told him to take me to court if this is such a problem to him and see what a judge thinks of his parenting style. Can someone give some insight as to what is going on in this guy's head? Thanks.

PS He denies he has a drinking problem.

Anna

Hi,

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Have you considered AlAnon?

Chrysalis123

Thanks Anna, I have attended Alanon for about 6 months and I frequent the FF board here. I try to take care of myself after 18 years of raging codepedence and denial that there was even a problem (which pointed out how severely screwed up I was because even after my XH lost a limb in a car wreck due to DUI -alcohol and drugs- I still was in denial!) I'm doing better now and trying to take care of myself and my kids. For the first time in a long time we come first...he has a hard time with that. But his treatment of my kids is a hard pill to swallow and I'm just wearing out. I know I need to forgive and accept, myself and him, but it is so hard when he is behaving like this. I thought some wisdom from the other side of the fence might help. Thanks again.

Anna

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

lizw

If your X is anything like me, in his mind he'd have bigger fish to fry, like drinking and/or sorting out the scrapes from the night before, instead of going home to be with the 10 year old. And besides, the kid's 10 it's not like he's a baby or anything....And if the kids gets scared, so what? He just needs to harden up....

I'm an alcoholic and this would be my thinking/justifaction - it's called self centeredness.

I am also a member of Al Anon and if this is the 3rd time it has happened, I wouldn't be sending the kid there alone anymore nor allowing the child to randomly ring and ask to go stay there. I would be getting on the phone and checking the guy was home before letting the child leave the house.

laurie6781

Document every single incident, including this one.

At some point it may make it to court, and at that time yuo will be able to ask for SUPERVISED VISITATION.

His number one love and concern is ALCOHOL.

Please continue with your Alanon, focus on you and your child, and do what is best, in your opinion for your child. Also please remember, every time he opens his mouth to speak he is just QUACKING. Picture the Big White AFLAC duck.

And remember, document, document, document, keep a journal with dates and times. It's called CYA.

I M H O your child should not be left alone with him.

Love and hugs,

tommyk

Just my opinion, but he shouldn't be unsupervised around the kids.

BackToSquareOne

Doesn't sound like he wants to give up his old ways and become a responsible father figure. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

CarolD

After our divorce...my ex had asolutely nothing
to do with our 3 children.
No calls .. no letters .. no visits .. no presents.

He paid his child support by direct deposit.
Never missed a month.
Never less or more than court mandated.

His reason? "It makes me too sad"...:burns

He was not addicted to anything...
just a cold selfish man.

Chrysalis123

Thanks for the replies. I'm a slow learner, but I am learning to ignore the quacking even though I feel badly afterwards. It is crazy because I feel guilty for standing up for us, and he goes on his merry way without an apparent thought to what he is doing to the kids. So, I chalked up the first time he left the kids unattended to just ignorance on his part, the second time to deliberateness, and the third time was my slip up because I hadn't taught the kid thoroughly enough to call me first. The kid now knows that no one is to be at Dad's without a call to me first, and dad must be present verified by me, and if dad leaves for some mysterious reason I am to be called. They also know to always have fully charged cell phones when at his house.

Thanks for sharing from the alcoholic's perspective on his thinking because you nailed it. He has told me before they are not babies and he seems incapable of empathy...perhaps a narcissist??? I am starting from scratch becuase his DUI was never brought to court due to powerful friends making it go away since he suffered enough losing the limb. And maybe this is bad but I hope for another DUI. I am documenting everything and trying to live one day at a time and not beating myself up for ignoring all the signs and staying so long and involving these precious kids. Well, atleast I got the best of him in them. Peace my friends.

Tazman53

Put the kids first, your self second in all decisions involving him. When I was in my bottle I can tell you what was number one in my life........... Alcohol!

On more then one occassion I was left with a choice..... a gallon of milk or a 12 pack? The 12 pack won out every time, mom could get the milk later.

When I was in my bottle the only thing that was important was booze, everything else came afterwards.

Pretend like you are an alcoholic still in their bottle and your kids are booze, you will make the right decision every time.