BackToSquareOne

Do any of you older members ever wonder how differently your lives may have turned out if you had never discovered alcohol? Such retrospection can be very depressing. In my case alcohol was very much a part of my life since I was a teenager and was an integral part of every family gathering including weddings and funerals that I can remember. Going to bars was probably my major source of entertainment throughout the years. It's just crazy how we integrate alcohol into our lives and almost become spectators as it slowely does its damage affecting every area of our lives robbing us of ever achieving our full potential. You can never go back and undo the damage and trail of wreckage it has left behind so you tend to remember the good times you had with your old friend alcohol while storing away the trail of devestation it has caused somewhere in the back of your mind. It's crazy that even to this day even though I'm no longer drinking there are still pleasurable thoughts associated with alcohol, after all if we didn't enjoy it why would we have ever done it? Such introspection can be very mind-boggling and to even associate the substance with pleasure seems to defy all rational explanation yet many of us still do. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone but it's something I often think about.

CarolD

I often share in my AA home group

jjaaam

Therein lies the paradox of this disease. I shared on a topic very similar to this at a meeting recently.

It doesn't matter how much sober time you have. My reflection was that even though things have, for the most part, been going much better during my brief time of sobriety, I still have the old thoughts about drinking.

Why, if things are much better, would I even contemplate drinking again? I don't know...but I do. I had to white knuckle it last night just to make it through.

Like I said...therein lies the paradox of the whole thing.

tommyk

"Do any of you older members ever wonder how differently your lives may have turned out if you had never discovered alcohol?"

No.

CarolD

Hmm...
I had a psychic change described in the Doctors Opinion
found in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

By daily living the 12 Steps of AA....
all interest in drinking has vanished.

The only time I think about my past drinking
is when I am sharing with someone else.

I am a recovered alcoholic.
Thanks to God and AA.
What a fantastic journey it is!


DOS 4-25-89

RufusACanal

jjaaam, My new life and the length of time matters to me. The longer I am sober, the more I heal, the more I heal, the more service I can provide.

The paradox you mentioned results from a lack of surrender. As long as you cling to the idea that someday you might be able to drink like a normal man, your knuckles will stay white.

BacktoSquareOne, Should have, could have, would have, do not enter into my thinking today as it did when I was struggling to stay sober. I no longer struggle with the fantasies of what might have been because something greater than I gave me a new life. I was not saved, dunked, washed or bathed, I was changed from a dying drunk into a living free man capable of meeting life head on one day at a time.

I too, only talk about drinking hwen it serves to help the new man.

I am a recovered Alcoholic

DOS 4-28-03

BackToSquareOne

It is crazy, i was at a family gathering yesterday and of course everyone was drinking and I would be lieing if I said I wasn't very tempted to join in. The pleasurable thoughts of drinking took full control so I just left early and was actually a little depressed by the fact that I didn't join in. I have seen 3 relatives die in alcohol related car accidents, had at least 5 family members die at very young ages (early fifties) and I'm sure their heavy drinking at least played a part in their deaths but it doesn't seem to slow anyone down. I have had friends and co-workers who lost everything because of their drinking and some kept right on drinking. Kind of makes you wonder how you can live through all this and still associate alcohol with pleasure.

Tazman53

My wife asked me after I had about a year sober "Martin if you found out you only had 3 months to live would you drink again?" I surprised myself when honestly without hesitating I replied "No, I enjoy being sober to much.".

Do I ever wonder what my life would be like today if I had never drank? No, not really, If I had not drank I would not be the person I am today. My past is my past, I am making amends as I can and have changed who I am. Today is all I have or will ever have.

lizw

I've been sober/clean 10 years now and nearly 2 years ago I was diagnosed with some serious health problems, and I am 30 years young.

In the last 2 years I have expereinced HUGE regret about the way I lived my life while drinking. I think finding out I have a serious illness triggered this as I always believed I could do anything I wanted (in soberity) and now I have certain limitations, as anyone with illness has.

Last year I was in this crazy as relationship and for whatever reason, while that was happening I began to wonder what my life would have been like if I never started drinking. The guy I was in a relationship with wasn't an A, for the 1st time ever, and maybe being and talking with him struck a nerve for me or something.

At the same time I also think this is part of the greif process about accpeting I am ill too.

The other thought I have is since I have got sober, I have pangs of regret regarding missing out on my daughters younger life. For example, a few years ago I took my neice out for the afternoon and she was round the same age my daughter was when I went to treatment. My neice and I went to this playground and I was holding her hand as she walked along a balancing beam, and I was struck by this overwhelming sadness about having missed out on this with my own child.

Right now I am thinking of a quote I read in an Al Anon daily reader the last few days. It says something like it is good to look at the past but useless to stand and stare - and I get that.

:ghug2

TTOSBT

I am not an old timer but I must say I am glad that I got where I got. If I hadn't, I would never have found the 12 steps and working them, is how I recover.

gravity

I don’t know what you consider to be an older member but I am 42 and have been sober for 7 ½ months.

When I was still drinking and earlier in my sobriety, I used to wonder if my life would have been better if I had never discovered alcohol or if I had quit drinking earlier in my life. To me, this is another form of beating myself up for past mistakes, wishing I could do it all over again, living in the past. I will never know if my life would have been better or worse. Further, in the past, sobriety by no means would have guaranteed that I would have reached any greater potential. I really don’t think about this anymore. What’s the point?

I do have both good and (mostly) bad memories associated with drinking. But that’s all they are – memories. Today, I accept that I cannot drink alcohol. The past does not change this fact in any way. For me, drinking will always have severe negative consequences.

Today is all that matters. I have been blessed with so many good things in my life, I am working a recovery program, and I am sober. I forgive myself for what I did in the past and I will try to make amends to those I have hurt. I am trying to be a good person. I am moving forward in life.

Jfanagle

Gravity asks what is considered an old timer? Obviously you don't get up in the AM and hear joints pop and have aches when you didn't do anything to get them yesterday!!

I am damn sure a chronological "old timer" with 9 years sober through AA and a power that has me beat all to hell for effective control of life. That being said, I don't regret my drinking for the most part. It was a phase of life that had its good times and some damn bad ones at the end.

I am a much different person and I hope and at least I believe, a better one for having found the rooms of AA and for having to have made so many changes in my life in order to remain sober and happy. If I hadn't been a practicing alcoholic I doubt I would have ever investigated AA. That seems a rather obvious observation! Therefore booze in excess gave me the key to what has been a pretty nice phase of my life.

I firmly believe that everything not only happens for a reason, but ultimately for the best. Plus alcohol got rid of that "nasty" 1ST wife!! It also got rid of one house and a great deal of cash. Oh well, as I said, it all happens for a reason.

Keep coming back no matter what.

Jon

Zencat

No regrets. I did what I did and there is no point I can see in reminiscing about the past. Its history and done, I don't look back. Do I miss drugging and drinking? Yea there were some good times when I could still function at some levels. But when using was the only thing I did, the fun was over shadowed by the outrageous suffering.

Sober living is a blast. I'm having more fun than I can remember. I like the direction I am taking my life in and let the good times roll.

BackToSquareOne

Jfanagle, I read your post in the sticky above called "Quitting what to expect" and all I can say is you must have the constitution of a racehorse. To have consumed 2 to 3 fifths a day while running a business is beyond my realm of comprehension. That amount of alcohol would have left me beyond non functional.

BackToSquareOne

Zencat, you are 100% correct in saying that reminiscing about the past serves no purpose. The past is just another page in the history books and can"t be changed. I'm 49 and it seems that the older I get the more I wonder how I could have ignored all the problems all that drinking caused in my life.

LosingmyMisery

When I think back to drinking, there is nothing pleasurable about it. It had gotten to the point that drinking was making my life a living hell. I have many regrets, but I am a grateful alcoholic. I am grateful for the healing that has brought me to the place I am today. I had many insecurities and was filled with anger and resentments. Through my disease, I have let go and learned to moved forever. I have learned to cope in a healthy manner. If recovery had not lead me to explore my short comings, I may have lived sober, but I would not be healthy in my manner of thinking or behavior. One other aspect I have come to realize is gratitude. I know things can always be worse. I have been to the brink and back again. When things get a bit hectic and life starts moving out of kilter, I know, it could always be worse. This helps me stay grounded. So when I think back to those days I'm not filled with regret, I'm filled with gratitude.

findingout

If I had found recovery at the age of 21, I believe it would have been a good thing. But I didn't.
If I had found recovery at the age of 30, I believe it would have been a good thing. But I didn't.

Sure I wonder what it would have been like if I had found recovery earlier or never even started. I also wonder what it would have been like if I had been born in Africa or in the 17 century or.... but I wasn't.

I found recovery at age 40 and it was good thing.

lizw

I've always took old timer to mean, an AA member who is not only old in age but also in soberity. I.e. someone who is 75 and been sober 30 years.

However, just to be more confusing, there are also people in AA that are called long timers who are usually not old in age but old in soberity. I.e someone who is 45 and been sober 25 years.

Anyone with over 20+ years for soberity is either an old timer or long timer in my mind.

A friend of mine use to call me a half timer, just to be a smart a** because I got sober when I was 20.

collinsmi

I think, on the whole, it's fortunate that I did drink. That's not to say that I don't regret the pain I caused for others and myself through drinking, I do.

I was screwed up before I started drinking. Drinking was a failed solution. I was "sensitive" (touchy), childish and selfish, restless irritable and discontent. I felt I was different than others, either better or worse, but never equal, never the same as. I was like some kind of freeze dried alky, just add sauce for the finished product.

If I never drank, I would have never got into AA, and probably never found a way to effectively cope with life. Plus, I can help other alcoholics. I see people sometimes that act the way I used to, minus the drinking. They might drink normally, or not at all. What's their solution going to be? Will they have the motivation to change?

Dee74

I'm not glad I drank, but I am glad for the lessons I learned through drinking.

Not an old timer yet, tho I have been called an old b****rd

D