flower44

After a full day at work yesterday, attending an AA meeting, and waiting 45 minutes at the eye Dr, I finally got home last night about 8:00. Only to find that my husband and our bedroom in a disaster. I had LOTS of laundry in our room to wash at the laundry mat and Lots of things in the bathroom to sort/throw away. Anyway, EVERYTHING was thrown in baskets or on the floor. It was a mess. I was mad and asked why he didn't wait for me. Well, one thing led to another and we got into a fight about the "affair" he had 3 years ago with his old high school girlfriend. I never got over this as this woman has been a thorn in my side for over 20 years. After we were married, she used to send him pictures of herself in a bikini to his office. She would send him cards and emails at work, and one time she sent a picture of herself to his home email bragging on how friends of her son thinks she's "hot". So he met up with her 3 years ago on his way to a fishing trip and they did the nasty. He told me about it on our 20th wedding anniversary. He was convinced he had gotten an STD (which he didn't) but none the less we both had to be tested. So after the argument last night I hit my wine again. I wrote him a letter and we both think it's for the best if we separate for a while after we get the kids back in college this fall. I'm just not sure it's good for my recovery (I'm in IOP) to be around him now. Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it out. I don't have a sponsor as of yet to talk to. Thanks for listening. One thing I am grateful is that this tramp lives several states away now.

Taking5

Its Ok, just get right back on the wagon and keep working on it.....start by dumping out any wine you have left over.....other booze too.

beingjenagain

He's not worth drinking over...I have found that nobody is!!! When I fight with my hubby, and it is plenty since I have gotten sober and he hasn't, I refuse to allow him the pleasure of making me drink. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

Anna

Hi Flower,

I'm sorry that you relapsed and that you are about to go through a separation. Have you guys considered marriage counselling? It might be a help for the two of you to deal with the past infidelities. If you go ahead with the separation, know that you can stay sober and move forward in your life.

flower44

Hi Anna -

Yes, I have thought about marriage counseling. I'm just not sure it would work. There's a lot of drama there, with that woman staying involved in my husbands life for over 20 years. Quite obvious he has been in touch with her too. If it were just someone he met at a bar it might be a different story. Being the fact it was his first girlfriend, it's just wrong in my eyes. I have sent many a nasty e-mail to her. Good thing she doesn't live closer, you might see me starring in a lifetime movie!! I don't know how interested he would be in counseling either. He thinks everything is my fault. Even last night he told me not to blame him for what he did with her. Guess that was my fault too. He says he is interested in my recovery, but when I ask him if he wants to look at my workbook for my IOP class he said no. I told him that I just learned about my coping styles if he wants to read it. He said no, that's ok. He knows when family night is at my counseling center, but has shown no interest in going. This is all why I'm getting to the point where I am thinking F!@% him.

collinsmi

If you drank like I drank, well, that's just the kind of thing we do. The next "slip" might not require so much "justification". No sense agonizing or beating yourself up over it, unconsciously you might be even setting yourself up for the next drink! If you're going to do AA then get a sponsor and work those steps. That's what works with me at any rate.

Kellye C

You weren't "bad and relapsed". You relapsed. Period. Now it's time to pick yourself up, and get back up and get back in the saddle if you want sobriety. To say you were bad means you think you should be punished which is not what we are here for. We are here to support you. Punishing yourself is wasted energy and does no good. It keeps you in the problem instead of focused on the solution.

The circumstances that you describe suck, there is no doubt about it but rest assured that there is nothing in life so bad that a drink won't make worse. With AA, the steps, work with other alcoholics both at meetings and here at SR, work with a sponsor and the Big Book you can find solutions, experience, strength and hope that do not involve getting drunk to any problem you may face in life going forward.

So, put away the whipping post and embrace today as the first day of the rest of your life. As for the marriage, it will play out the way it is meant to. Focus first on you and your sobriety and everything else will fall into place.

Big hugs,
Kellye

Ready to Change

I don't have any useful advice but I can relate. My ex was a liar/cheater and I used it as an excuse to drink again many times after I stopped. The fact that he has drinking issues too didn't help.

I guess people will say "take responsibility for your own recovery". I'm trying to do that now.

least

I too had "justification" every time I relapsed this year. I was just making excuses and realized that there would always be bad things in my life and that drinking would just make them worse.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, stop punishing yourself. Just start over with today. One day at a time you can do this!

:ghug3