Texasblind

I signed up on a meeting list.

Now, people are calling me non-stop. I understand we're supposed to help others, but that's step 12 and I'm on 5. It's sad, but I'm thinking of changing my number just to get away from the AA people.

I apologize to this faceless message board, but I just can't talk down drunks when I'm so close to the edge myself. I'm not a taxi service either.

I genuinely feel for these people, but I'm one of them. I just don't feel right being that voice on the phone. New AA meetings have brought new people into my life. I just feel taken advantage of sometimes and I just want to say, "Listen to me! I want to go to the liquor store too!" I need to be able to call people, and today I don't feel like I can. My phone already has ten missed calls, and I've kinda lost the will to care.

353

Hi Texasblind,

Just go unsign yourself!! It's OK. If you're not able to do that right now then don't do it.

There are many ways to be of service and it's a relief to know I don't have to be perfect I just have to be sober.

Peace

tommyk

"I just want to say, "Listen to me! I want to go to the liquor store too!""

That's what they NEED to hear, that's why they are calling you, they need to know they're not alone, and that together you can both get through it.

Honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. Just talk to them and speak your mind the way you feel. If you don't feel like talking say that as well.

(NOTE: I do not allow people new to recovery in my car. Too many times in the past newcomers have been carrying drugs. You have NO OBLIGATION to give anyone a ride anywhere. You may feel free to refuse anyone a ride, no reason or explanation is necessary. This is called 'setting boundaries' so that your comfort level is not compromised.)

gravity

I would definitely take my name off that list. Your sobriety is the #1 priority and this is clearly upsetting you. From my perspective, if you are not ready to "talk down drunks" that's perfectly fine. I'm not ready to do that either. In fact, I believe that I would be doing a disservice to the person asking for help.

There is no obligation to give people rides to & from meetings. I do occasionally but I will not become a taxi service.

As 353 said, there are other ways to help out. Personally, I try to talk to newcomers before & after meetings. Some day I will be able to do more but not today.

1963comet

Gravity is right, you need to take care of yourself first. You have to have it to give it away. Really nice that you wanted to help people but it sounds over
bearing.

CarolD

TB

Anything that puts you in danger of drinking
is not a good thing for you

I do depend on rides to meetings soooo..
if 1 member can not come by for me
I simply call until I find someone who will.
That is true for your missed calls I imagine.

...My phone list has around 20 people on it.
None have less than 1 year...most have 5+

I agree....perhaps you did offer too quickly.

Ananda

I get it....I have been on a call list at times when I couldn't even honestly tell the people who called for help that sobriety is any better than drinking! It was crazy...and I believe it was a disservice to myself and others.

I haven't gotten my self in that position in this current sobriety, and hope that I won't. It helps me immensly to hear you say this. A reminder to myself to be careful about these things.

I have decided to give out my landline number to newcomers and not my cell phone (just got one of those). If I can't handle a call...I'll just have to tell them to call someone else or have someone else call them.

I don't want to be in the position I was in previously of unplugging my phone for days at a time to get away from the constant calls. Or set myself up to do what I did the last time i was sober and simply drop out of the program.

I will work with my sponsor on this. She has already discussed with me that I should not help newcomers when my religious group meets one nite aweek unless the circumstances are such that no other help is available and the person is in a very bad situation requiring immediate help that I am capable of giving.

Thanks for the post and do what you need to do to keep yourself from running from the whole program...that will harm you and those around you and the other drunks who need you.

Texasblind

Trust me, I'm not leaving the program. I just didn't think it would be like this. I didn't sign up to be a sponsor or anything. It was merely (I thought) a home meeting phone list. I realize how naive I am with AA. Remember, I was the one who didn't know what 13th stepping was.

Maybe I came across as too harsh in my post. I really do want to help, I just don't feel like I'm qualified. I'm just over 6 months myself and I haven't completed the steps.

It's so heartbreaking to hear that voice on the phone and you know how drunk they are. The drunken, human side of me can't let me not try. When there are drunk people in meetings I will always give them a ride. I've talked a lot of people down. I'm just concerned because I'm not recovered myself. I'm IN recovery, but I'm not there yet. I always want to ask these people, "where is your sponsor?"

Sorry everyone, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. Anyone who calls me, I will help. Sometimes it's just "who do I call?"

Mala09

How irresponsible of the person dealing with that list to just put you oin such a difficult position. I share responsibility for a 12-Step list but get perhaps one call a fortnight and there are others working with me.

Call the person you dumped that list on you and explain why you can't deal with it and ask her to reorganise the list and get a message service forwarding callers to a national call line.

Good luck!

Mala

BP44

Easy does it!!!! Do not be discouraged. There is a learning curve. And one of them is this....I do not talk to drunk people. Period, end of story. There is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing I can do for someone who is actively drinking. Now, if they call me while they are standing outside the convenience store mulling over the thought of drinking, that's a different story. One of the first things I tell my sponsees is " DON'T CALL ME DRUNK". I have found having a network of friends in AA has been an absolute necessity. My cellphone list is full of folks within my sponsorship family and outside of it. If someone calls me for a ride and I can do it, or asks for a ride home after the meeting, I do it. However, these are people I've gotten to know. Service work has become an important part of my life. It truly is where the joy is. The only way I can get mine is to help you get yours. It works every time.

serenityqueen

texasblind, I applaud you for sharing your feelings and not holding them in to the point of verbally exploding on someone or worse . . . drinking.

I have overextended myself at times throughout the past 3 years and as soon as I realized what I have done, I've had to put the brakes on it. . . FAST! One of my character defects is the difficulty in saying no. I look where it got me when I was using and in my past attempts at Sobriety, it overwhelmed me each and every time to the point of neglecting my own needs.

I think having your name removed from the list is a great start. As far as the lists that are still out with your name on it, there's a simple way to deal with the calls when you aren't in a position to be of service to another . . . be honest and tell them. I've had people call me when I was going through a crisis myself and I simply let them know that as much as I identify with what they are going through, I'm not in a great place myself at the moment. Ask them if they have other numbers to call and more than likely they do. If you were their last resort, maybe God is telling you that YOU need to talk at this time as well. I always get something out of talking to another alcoholic/addict. Even if it's simply the gratitude of knowing that I am not where I was before. . . struggling like the person who is calling you.

And as far as asking where their sponsor is, that's a question I always ask first off. If someone doesn't have a sponsor then this is a great time to point out the importance of having one.

Finally, when you have strong feelings like this again, continue to express them. Another one of my character defects is stuffing my feelings until I explode. And explosions usually get messy.

God Bless You,
Judy

tommyk

Exactly.

I always tell I do not want to talk to their 'disease'.

Texasblind

deleted.

Texasblind

My last post was angry and I don't want to be angry.

bugsworth

Wow Texas I am sorry you are having these feelings, but you are not the first...not that it will make you feel better, but know you are not alone in your feelings.

I am no longer in aa, but do have experience with this as I was active for 10 months. My sponsor made me sign every list that was passed around...90 in 90 and that is a lot of lists. The calls I got were insane...some drunk...some wanting rides to meetings and grocery shopping "on the way". One woman who was in the rooms for 5 years...sober for 5 minutes called me at all hours demanding I come over or she would kill herself! After 3 times I stopped taking her calls, she became more and more erratic at meetings and eventually had to be removed from my home group. Funny thing....well not so funny...my sponsor felt I should still contact her since she was most comfortable opening up to me. WTF? I forgot to mention, my sponsor was nuts! And I don't mean not using the steps...I mean crazy!

I would recommend you never give your home number out...cell only, and if it gets to be too much entirely stop giving out your number all together!

I think relying on a group of sick people for friendship precarious, there will always be a level of unpredictability with their actions. It took me a while to realize that there are more than just alcoholics in aa.

You are in charge of your sobriety, not aa or its members, do what is right for you!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I've never heard of a list like this. The meetings that I've gone to, if you are a newcomer, a meeting list is passed around to the folks there and if you want to, folks put their numbers on it. Women for women and men for men.

I can imagine how having calls like that would be overwhelming! What does your sponsor say?

The few times I've gotten calls from newcomers I was grateful for it..it took me out of the bad place that I was in at the time.

One of my defects is doing something that I don't want to do then complaining about it, instead of coming right out and saying "no, I"m not comfortable with this". It's been a struggle to work on this one..

I'm surprised that if your group has a formal "call" list, that there aren't requirements around it..ie., where you are in your Step work.

Seems to me that you need to remove yourself from the list until you are ready to add yourself back on! Also, an answering machine and caller ID are a godsend to me!!! Just cause the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to pick it up!

Texasblind

Looking back, it was a mistake. I thought it was a list for those in the meeting, I thought it was for the chair. I never thought it was a "who to call when you're drunk" list. I'm a dumbass. I was so happy to be getting help, I didn't think. Like I said, I'm AA naive. I don't get the rules. I just wanted some help and like-minded people. You just wander into a meeting, you can't know all the traditions and rules.

It's not that big of a deal, I'll deal with the phone calls; Yes, I'll give you a ride, yes, I'll talk you down. I've been going for months and it's only gotten bad lately. I guess I'm an oldtimer at 6 months. That's not right, because I know it's not true. I remember being drunk all day. I would reach out to anyone. It's sad that I don't think I can be that anyone.

Again. I have no problem being of service. But I'm not the best choice for a first call, or even a tenth. I want to finish the steps. Then I will work 12. My ultimate goal is to work the hotline. I want to give to others what it gave me.

tommyk

"My ultimate goal is to work the hotline. I want to give to others what it gave me."

Keep your eye on that goal. That is a noble idea. Make it happen.

I believe you are completely in error about the "who to call when you're drunk" list concept. The phone call lists (around here anyhow) are not intended for that purpose at all.

I could be mistaken but I have NEVER been led to think people call the numbers WHEN they're drunk, they call BEFORE they take a drink, so they hopefully don't take the drink.

Please just think about not propagating the idea that it is a "who to call when you're drunk" list, okay? Just think about it, I'm not being commanding or judgemental, just politely requesting you re-consider that notion.

The phone call list concept has saved many people from possible relapse.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Texasblind

Thank you. I don't mean "drunk" is the only time people call me. It was just an easy way to say it.

People call me when sober too. That's why I'm having such a crisis of faith about this. I just feel that I'm not the guy. If people feel the need to call me, I'll be there for you, I just wish I could scream "I'm only on step 5!!" I'm just ranting, Ignore me please.

Sugah

This is just my E, S & H on the topic....

Where I got sober, there were very few women. I got lots of calls early on when I didn't feel fit to take them, either. Also, I was doing my best to re-connect with my children, so there were times that long calls or multiple calls would interfere with that. I didn't always handle it well (I still consider myself to be socially inept), but I tried to set boundaries.

First, and this took me a few calls and asking for suggestions from others, I learned not to talk to someone who was sloshed. I would ask her if she felt she needed to be somewhere safe (emergency room or detox), and if the answer was yes, I'd call someone with more time. If the answer was no, I gave the suggestion to sleep it off. I made it clear that I wouldn't listen to a drunken rant. Did them no good, did me no good. "Call me when you sober up and we'll talk. Call next time before you pick up."

If it's someone who's on the edge, open your Big Book. Keep those passages you find most useful when you feel on edge marked, and read with them. Or, if this is the third (or tenth) call that day, keep your own phone list and be ready to suggest they call someone else.

There's a woman who's recently come back into the rooms - she's had maybe two meetings. She has only approached me once, though we've gathered up a new phone list for her. She hasn't approached me yet because she found the last time that I would not discuss the problem with her until she was ready to talk about how to apply the solution. I would not commiserate, in other words, other than to say, "Yes, I thought God (or the world, my ex husband, the bartender) was out to get me, too. Let's talk about your role in this and what you can do about it." Taking that tack has weeded out a lot of those folks who are not quite done yet, who still want to wallow. Sound harsh? My Big Book tells me not to waste time on those who aren't ready yet. The solution is at hand, if you want it - but I won't push it on you or participate in the problem.

The most important thing I learned about taking calls from folks before I was through my formal step work was not to feel I had to have answers that I couldn't possibly have yet. A little star on your list next to each person you know, from their sharing, has taken the steps and lives the steps will help you guide a person to someone who's better able to help them. You can only share what you've experienced, and then it's time to pass them on to someone else. Saying, "I don't know" - that's humility. I still direct folks to others because with lots of things, I just don't know, and pretending I do, well, that's a very dangerous kind of ego at work.

Don't want to ignore you, brother. You're asking for help. I hope somewhere along the line you've heard something that you can use - because there are lots of folks that can use your E, S & H on those first five steps!

Peace & Love,
Sugah