JackieG

Hi Nuclerosis

That is my problem too, the past always seemed to painful to me and I would get some sober time and then I would drink again in order to numb myself.

AA has really helped me to deal with the wreckage of my past, the people in the rooms have accepted and loved me even when I don't love myself. I got really, really tired of relapsing and creating more lost opportunities, more of a mess to clean up.

I did it for 15 years, all I wanted was to quit and I never really managed to do that. This time round I have come to realise that if I carry on I will die and I will die a hopeless, loveless, no good drunk.

That really is not I want my life to be about. The pain doesn't just go away and sometimes I really have to hang on and just not drink, but dealing with the pain of my past really is easier than dealing with everything drinking brings.

The 12 steps have enabled me to start sorting out who I am, what I want and dealing with all the terrible things that I did in the past. The people in the rooms have so much wisdom to offer, those people and the program have given me hope that I can be all that I'm meant to be.

Please know that you are not alone and there is help if you need it, you can do this - you deserve more from life than what you are giving yourself.

Lots of love
Jackie

tommyk

Nuclerosis, do you ever find yourself reaching out for help/support, but then find yourself having an immediate answer or reason for why all of the suggestions of others won't / don't work?

I used to do that a lot. I didn't know I was doing it.

I would beg for someone to listen to my problems, then I would shoot down every suggestion they made.

Pretty soon they weren't listening to me anymore. But then, I wasn't hearing anything either, so it didn't matter.

Eventually I realized (through the grace of God) that I needed to accept some chance in order to for things to change.

WishIWasNormal

An antidepressant will minimize or eliminate those nagging regretful thoughts.

stone

I can relate to that! You, however are 21, I am 39. It feels like I am just starting my life now, regrets and alcoholism (and other drugs) held me in place for 20 years, you have a chance to stop that happening to you too.

I mentioned asking your GP for help, will you do that?

FightingIrish

i never made it past 4 days. i now have 11 eleven months in a few days, thanks to aa.

i had all the feelings you describe (except cutting though i did almost bite my fingertips off on several occasions) and have found that nutrition plus medication helps to regulate my moods.

i tried therapy for a little while but found that if i was nutitionally taking care of myself and taking medication, there wasn't really much to "talk about" and I handled life pretty well and productively. and the "voices" yelling at me inside my head stopped...

i just think it takes what it takes and we should not stop searching and asking for help until we find what we need, a then we should keep searching and asking anyway.

-M

zoomer

I was not much older than you when I first went into rehab. It worked for me for a number of years until a DR. told me that I was not an alcoholic but was an alcohol abuser. I was off to the races and it took me a number of years to get back in AA. I'm 44 and just went through a divorce. I have to start life all over again meaning I had to go back to school to get another degree because I was a stay at home mom and never did anything with my education. It's never too late to start life over. Your never too young to stop drinking and your never too sick to get well. I have 6 kids and I see my older ones screw up. My 21 year old is in jail because of alcohol and something he did at 15. The probation office wanted him to go to rehab,but he refused and now he is serving a year of his young life in jail. My other son is 22 and cannot keep a job to save his life all because he thinks it's everyone's fault for his job losses. He needs medication for his depression,but feels that it puts a lable on him. He is trying to get into the army,but he keeps failing his **** test. My 18 year old daughter has come a long way. She use to cut herself, drink and do every kind of drug out there. All three of my older children are gifted and where in gifted classes as young adults until drinking and drugs ruined them. I tell you about my kids because they are your age and I'm the type of mother that eventhough they fail, it's never too late to try again or to try a differrent direction in their lives. My son at 21 finished his high school finals in jail and now is a high school graduate. My 22 year old took his GED and went to a community college and my daughter just took her GED (I hope she passed). Now if only I could get them to stay off drugs and get some professional help. Put down the drink,try AA again and get your doctors to see you more than once a month or find a new one that will help you. Not all doctors are good doctors. Remember it's never too late to start again! You get as many chances as it takes to get well and to achieve your goals. I'm again 44 years old, going back to school with a bunch of young kids and starting my life over again. It's hard and I struggle,but it's worth it. If I can do it any one can!

Nuclerosis

Maybe im wallowing in self-pity. Its just hard when you wake up and you see the blood, the bottles, the chaos. You have to question why your alive. It burns inside to loose the friends I have, to feel alone.

stone

Wallowing in self pity is what alcoholics do Nuc. We have reason to, being in active alcoholism can be hell on earth.
You have already made a start to help yourself by coming here.

austingemini

Wallowing is usually the first step toward identifying the behavior and then taking action. It's only crappy if you continue to wallow rather than (1) go to more counseling sessions (2) find a new AA group that better suits your needs and (3) keep posting.

TheMaster

Everyone wallows in self pity at some time or another. I know I have. I also have been going to AA (I know it can be a bit weird, as I am not religious).

With AA, there is absolutely NOTHING to be scared of. You don't even have to say anything. Just listen to the stories of others. I promise you, you will hear your own story come out of the mouths of others. As different as I thought I was from "society", I heard similar stories in AA. If religion is your reason for not going, skip the preliminary prayers & readings, like I do. I am always 10-15 minutes late, for that reason. I have no use for the reading. Only the sharing of experiences by people.

And everyone there has a story to tell. These stories, somehow, stop me from wanting to drink. Try to find open meetings, as those big book reading meetings are boring as hell. I can read on my own. I don't need to be read to.

You should also increase your therapy. I see a psychologist once a week (I just started going).

Just doing those 2 things will change your outlook on life, in a positive way. It's possible there are things from your childhood that shaped your attitude. That's what happened to me.

But there's a point where you have to either defacate or get off the pot. Only you know when that moment is.

Good luck...

Nuclerosis

I must admit the religion thing really does phase me. I'm a staunch atheist (like many in the UK) and I really don't like this whole "We must admit our failings to our higher power". I really resent having to bring religion/spirituality into what are very human problems.

Cathy31

well, for me, I had to get to a place where I had to give up the luxury of resenting this and that and just grab onto a solution, that worked, or die. I did that and not only am I alive today I have an amazing life. It was worth it to put my 'feelings' aside = for once!

Cathy31
x

TheMaster

Then don't. The great thing about AA is you can do it ANY way you want to. I don't look to any "higher power". If there is any "higher power" I consider it to be the universe. Not some fictitious god that watches over everyone. Simply because the universe is vast and we are mere microbes within it.

Don't believe me? Go to the top of a very tall building & look down at the ground in any city. The people look like ants. Now, magnify that times whatever.

Earth would be a tiny dot if it could be seen across the universe.

That is higher power enough. It doesn't have to be a living entity.

But don't stop going because of a few religious "nutters" (I watch a lot of UK TV, ha ha). By doing that, you not only screw yourself, but you empower the religious nutters that you dislike, in your own mind.

I believe you will find that they are not there to bring you to religion, but merely to keep you sober.

No one has tried preaching to me... And I am in the southern US, where southern baptists run rampant.

Simple point is: Fix yourself and to hell with any aspect you don't agree with, outside of sobriety, itself.

Tazman53

Nuc as others have already shared with you, the steps of AA can help get you over this hump.

One key to sobriety and improving your life is HONESTY!!!!

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Call your local AA hotline and tell them what is up, tell them you want to find smaller meetings and ones with younger people, I can not think of one single University that does not have at least one meeting a week if not a lot more. One more thing you mayu ask is if the is an Agnostic/Aethiest meeting around. There are a lot of sober happy aethiest and agnostics in AA. You are not alone.

2. Call your therapist and be TOTALLY honest about how you are feeling right now, everything you are doing and about your drinking!

AA can help with the drinking, which can help some with the other things, but you should be dealing with all aspects of your troubles because it sure sounds like one is feeding off of the other.

See a doctor ASAP and be totally honest.

Overman

@ Nuclerosis

You may find a secular approach to sobriety to be more rewarding (SOS/SMART).

CarolD

Here is a list of various recovery program
do explore and see if you find one helpful

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Good to see you Nuclerosis .....

MyPaperAnchor

This is my experience as well.

collinsmi

Maybe you're in the right spot; the right frame of mind, Nuclerosis. If I hadn't got to the point where I was hopeless and exhausted, I never would have done the things necessary to stay stopped. I did the AA thing by the way.

Sometimes I think I have problems, and I get frustrated with the way things seem to be going. But my so called troubles now are utterly insignificant compared to the way my life used to be. Quit for the last time when I was 36, but by the time I was 21 my drinking was as bad as it was going to get. From then on, it was the same $#*&, over and over and over again.

sadandhopeless

I wish you well and hope you find the courage to get help for yourself. there is help out there in so many forms. You do not have to live this way. Find the courage to save your life. You are worth it more then you will ever know.

The stories of recovery on this site, give me so much hope and the courage from within that leads these people to a sober way of living is amazing to me.

You need to find the strength to get help for yourself. It sounds as though you are self medicating. Seek a doctor that can help you find your way. It is never to late as long as you have breath in your body.

I wish you luck and hope one day soon your pain will be less and you can live a happy healthy life and pursue all your dreams.

Life is precious - you deserve a chance to live.