Sponsor advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Sponsor advice
I have been sober since 3/07 and was without a sponsor. April 08 I asked a woman with 4yrs sobriety to be my sponsor. It had been going well until last wk. I am taking 12 credit summer college classes and work pt. Class ends Fri so I have been very busy with school. I only made 2 mtgs last wk and she does not go to them. I saw her Sun. at a mtg. After, she approached me stating if I wanted to get a new sponsor it was o.k. with her because she is feeling resistance from me and could not understand why. Wow. I asked if that is what she felt should happen and she said no but she wanted to assure me if I felt it wasnt working for me then she understood. I explained my situation but I felt fine with the situation. I was surprised at her reaction. We agreed to meet tomorrow before a mtg I have been chairing this month.
Now I have had time to think and now my nose is out of joint. I am thinking she sounded insecure in herself and I am confused at this approach from her. We will meet tomorrow and I will confront her about her actions but am not sure how to approach her.
She did reveal to me of her bipolar diagnosis which I did not know prior to asking her to sponsor.
Any advice? Am I overreacting?. I do not feel I need to report my daily schedule.
Now I have had time to think and now my nose is out of joint. I am thinking she sounded insecure in herself and I am confused at this approach from her. We will meet tomorrow and I will confront her about her actions but am not sure how to approach her.
She did reveal to me of her bipolar diagnosis which I did not know prior to asking her to sponsor.
Any advice? Am I overreacting?. I do not feel I need to report my daily schedule.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Well if she is taking her medication for her bipolar disorder then it shouldn't be an issue. I would just see how the one on one goes and take it from there.
The important thing is, is that you have a sponsor. If it doesent work out, I would look for another one.
Tom
The important thing is, is that you have a sponsor. If it doesent work out, I would look for another one.
Tom
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Deezaldog
In reading your post - I was thinking "She is afraid or hesitant to continue to sponsor you".
It would make sense if you were balking at the steps - otherwise it seems like there is another issue.
It does not make sense that how many units you take have an effect on your getting recovered.
If I had a sponsor who required a certain number of meetings, or required specific meetings - I would probably drop them real quick and get someone who's concern is the steps and guiding me through them.
It 'seems' that this is her issue. Unless I missed something completely in the post.
In reading your post - I was thinking "She is afraid or hesitant to continue to sponsor you".
It would make sense if you were balking at the steps - otherwise it seems like there is another issue.
It does not make sense that how many units you take have an effect on your getting recovered.
If I had a sponsor who required a certain number of meetings, or required specific meetings - I would probably drop them real quick and get someone who's concern is the steps and guiding me through them.
It 'seems' that this is her issue. Unless I missed something completely in the post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi deezaldog,
I have a problem. When dealing with other people, I have a tendency to only view things through my eyes. It's part of the self-centeredness I've been promised relief from.
What happens is I pre-determine the other persons motives based on how I feel about myself. For instance...
When someone questions me about my sobriety or my program I tend to think they are accusing me of being lazy or weak or non-commited to my sobriety. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe they are asking not because they think I'm failing, maybe they ask because they care about me and what happens to me. Isn't that what I want, someone to give a rats behind if I stay sober?
My sponsor has helped me with simple prayers. One is this, "God let me see this situation different". It's hard to change the way I look at the world, but that's what I need to do. Instead of seeing problems I need to see solutions.
Maybe this other person is feeling like they are letting you down by not being the best sponsor for you. There are thousands of maybe's but the most important thing for me to see is the good in people and not what I perceive to be bad.
When my wife gives me that familiar, "are you OK", I used to get so irritated, I used to see that as not believing in me. Now I see "are you OK" as my wife telling me she loves me and worries for me. I tell her I love her too and sometimes I'm scared but I'm OK today.
Her words are the same, my reaction is different. I've asked God to let me see this different. I'm changing the only thing I can...myself.
I have a problem. When dealing with other people, I have a tendency to only view things through my eyes. It's part of the self-centeredness I've been promised relief from.
What happens is I pre-determine the other persons motives based on how I feel about myself. For instance...
When someone questions me about my sobriety or my program I tend to think they are accusing me of being lazy or weak or non-commited to my sobriety. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe they are asking not because they think I'm failing, maybe they ask because they care about me and what happens to me. Isn't that what I want, someone to give a rats behind if I stay sober?
My sponsor has helped me with simple prayers. One is this, "God let me see this situation different". It's hard to change the way I look at the world, but that's what I need to do. Instead of seeing problems I need to see solutions.
Maybe this other person is feeling like they are letting you down by not being the best sponsor for you. There are thousands of maybe's but the most important thing for me to see is the good in people and not what I perceive to be bad.
When my wife gives me that familiar, "are you OK", I used to get so irritated, I used to see that as not believing in me. Now I see "are you OK" as my wife telling me she loves me and worries for me. I tell her I love her too and sometimes I'm scared but I'm OK today.
Her words are the same, my reaction is different. I've asked God to let me see this different. I'm changing the only thing I can...myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Thanks for your response. I am confused as well. My point is school work was a necessity time consumer for awhile. I still attend mtgs but today my recovery is good. Having a sponsor is new for me and I do not feel the need to discuss my itenerary with her. I know her other sponsees and they are very needy, and seem unable to make decisions without running things past her. I probably need to consider a less needy sponsor?
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Deezle,
I feel like there is something missing from this post. It leaves me asking questions. Does your sponsor suggest that you make a certain amount of meetings weekly? Did she give you something to work on that you haven't been able to do? Have you not been calling her?
I hear what Sug says, a sponsor is there to take you through the Steps yes. But they are also there to encourage you to use the tools to stay sober, some of which are going to meetings and doing what I call "homework". And checking in..I call my sponsor at least once a week.
Seems there is a lack of communication here, so I would suggest that you speak to her and ask her what she requires of you through her sponsorship.
I feel like there is something missing from this post. It leaves me asking questions. Does your sponsor suggest that you make a certain amount of meetings weekly? Did she give you something to work on that you haven't been able to do? Have you not been calling her?
I hear what Sug says, a sponsor is there to take you through the Steps yes. But they are also there to encourage you to use the tools to stay sober, some of which are going to meetings and doing what I call "homework". And checking in..I call my sponsor at least once a week.
Seems there is a lack of communication here, so I would suggest that you speak to her and ask her what she requires of you through her sponsorship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
You state you are not as needy as her other sponsees. Ok, fair enough. You don't feel the need to share your itinerary with her. Ok. You say she is a needy sponsor. Now you've lost me.
What makes her needy? What exactly has she asked you to do? Have you done it? Why or why not? What type of relationship do you two have? Do you call her on a regular basis? Do you get together to do step work, regardless of a busy schedule?
Do you feel she is failing you as a sponsor? What do you feel you need in a sponsor and other than this incident is she providing it? I'm just throwing out some things maybe to think about before you meet.
Because you seem to feel you need less handholding than her other sponsees she may not know what you need. IDK, once again just throwing out food for thought.
Perhaps you can ask her why she said that to you, keeping in mind some of these questions and then make a plan of what you want to do now that you have more free time.
Above all please remember that sponsors are human and are alcoholics just like you and also deserve love tolerance and patience just like any other alcoholic.
Best of luck to you on your meeting!!!
Kellye
What makes her needy? What exactly has she asked you to do? Have you done it? Why or why not? What type of relationship do you two have? Do you call her on a regular basis? Do you get together to do step work, regardless of a busy schedule?
Do you feel she is failing you as a sponsor? What do you feel you need in a sponsor and other than this incident is she providing it? I'm just throwing out some things maybe to think about before you meet.
Because you seem to feel you need less handholding than her other sponsees she may not know what you need. IDK, once again just throwing out food for thought.
Perhaps you can ask her why she said that to you, keeping in mind some of these questions and then make a plan of what you want to do now that you have more free time.
Above all please remember that sponsors are human and are alcoholics just like you and also deserve love tolerance and patience just like any other alcoholic.
Best of luck to you on your meeting!!!
Kellye
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
In my experience, people tend to sponsor how they have been sponsored. I.e. pass on what their sponsor past to them.
Some sponsors have requirements like phoning every day or once a week at a certain time, to ensure the sponsor and sponsee actually touch base - if both have busy lives, it appears best to arrange this kind of thing.
Most (if it hasn't happened yet) should be leading their sponsee through the steps. If one has already worked the steps with a sponsor, from a sponsor point of view it is good to have a new sponsee write an inventory and share it when their relationship first begins, so the sponsor gets to know the sponsee.
Some sponsors require the sponsee to attend a certain number of meetings and/or certain meetings as well as taking up certain service responsibilites.
If you are reading this (and have a sponsor) but are not working the steps with that sponsor - GET A NEW SPONSOR. While the 'fellowship' in AA is nice and social, it will only keep you sober so long.
I've always believed that as a sponsor and a sponsee, it is important I live what I tell my sponsees to do and that my sponsor is living it too. As a friend of my says, 'my best behaviour is while I'm sitting in meetings.'
And last but by no means least, my sponsor has eventually become more like a trusted friend who I deeply respect.
Some sponsors have requirements like phoning every day or once a week at a certain time, to ensure the sponsor and sponsee actually touch base - if both have busy lives, it appears best to arrange this kind of thing.
Most (if it hasn't happened yet) should be leading their sponsee through the steps. If one has already worked the steps with a sponsor, from a sponsor point of view it is good to have a new sponsee write an inventory and share it when their relationship first begins, so the sponsor gets to know the sponsee.
Some sponsors require the sponsee to attend a certain number of meetings and/or certain meetings as well as taking up certain service responsibilites.
If you are reading this (and have a sponsor) but are not working the steps with that sponsor - GET A NEW SPONSOR. While the 'fellowship' in AA is nice and social, it will only keep you sober so long.
I've always believed that as a sponsor and a sponsee, it is important I live what I tell my sponsees to do and that my sponsor is living it too. As a friend of my says, 'my best behaviour is while I'm sitting in meetings.'
And last but by no means least, my sponsor has eventually become more like a trusted friend who I deeply respect.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Hereford, UK
Posts: 87
A sponsor is not common practice everywhere -- I found that sharing with friends and just having coffee with older and wiser AA members worked for me. I asked questions and then went off and worked through the Steps, continue to work them daily. This is how many have done it.
If your sponsor is bipolar she may be subject to mood swings that make her unreliable in terms of consistent relating.
Your sobriety is what matters -- get on with the Steps, they are quite simple so ask someone to share his or her es&h if you are not sure what to do or how to go about it.
We needn't get caught up in unhealthy dependencies on the way to staying sober.
Love & peace
Mala
If your sponsor is bipolar she may be subject to mood swings that make her unreliable in terms of consistent relating.
Your sobriety is what matters -- get on with the Steps, they are quite simple so ask someone to share his or her es&h if you are not sure what to do or how to go about it.
We needn't get caught up in unhealthy dependencies on the way to staying sober.
Love & peace
Mala
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 449
The sponsor issue comes up a lot in the meetings I go to.
I have now officially gone through 3 sponsors and am currently once again without one. The first one never answered the phone and wanted to know everything about my life at all times, the second one kept telling me to go to meetings where they don't follow the traditions and gossiped behind my back, and the third just told me tonight that HER sponsor told her that she isn't ready to sponsor anyone, that she has too many issues going on. :wtf2
I am going to pray long and hard about who I choose to be my next sponsor. Better yet, I want God to choose it for me and steer me in the right direction! But what I have been told by the old-timers is that a sponsor is simply there to take you through the steps and offer support/help when needed. That's all I want MY next sponsor to do, she doesn't need to run my life or tell me what meetings I should or shouldn't go to.
(But then again, I have only been in the program for just over 3 months, what do I know?!)
I have now officially gone through 3 sponsors and am currently once again without one. The first one never answered the phone and wanted to know everything about my life at all times, the second one kept telling me to go to meetings where they don't follow the traditions and gossiped behind my back, and the third just told me tonight that HER sponsor told her that she isn't ready to sponsor anyone, that she has too many issues going on. :wtf2
I am going to pray long and hard about who I choose to be my next sponsor. Better yet, I want God to choose it for me and steer me in the right direction! But what I have been told by the old-timers is that a sponsor is simply there to take you through the steps and offer support/help when needed. That's all I want MY next sponsor to do, she doesn't need to run my life or tell me what meetings I should or shouldn't go to.
(But then again, I have only been in the program for just over 3 months, what do I know?!)
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
deezaldog, just find a quiet spot before you meet with your sponsor today, ask your HP to let you clear your mind of all preconceived ideas of what she is or was thinking.
Just sit down and openly and honestly talk with her. I would suggest not saying "Did you mean "X" when you said "Y"?", instead just ask her why she said what she said, let her know what you are seeking in a sponsor, which is usually someone to guide you through the steps, answer questions, and if need be offer some guidance when needed. Ask her what does she expect of you as a sponsee.
I always let a new sponsee know right away that he will be working his program and not mine, I let them know that for what ever reason if they feel I am not the right sponsor for them to not hesitate to let me know and that they are free to find another sponsor any time they wish.
A sponsor is not a boss (Some of them try to be a boss though), they are simply a mentor & a guide. Think about it, if a guide gets you lost, what do you do? You get another guide. Now a good sponsor will always tell you the truth, it may not be what you want to hear, but if it is the truth that is not a good reason to fire them if the truth they are telling you is someothing that will help you.
Just sit down and openly and honestly talk with her. I would suggest not saying "Did you mean "X" when you said "Y"?", instead just ask her why she said what she said, let her know what you are seeking in a sponsor, which is usually someone to guide you through the steps, answer questions, and if need be offer some guidance when needed. Ask her what does she expect of you as a sponsee.
I always let a new sponsee know right away that he will be working his program and not mine, I let them know that for what ever reason if they feel I am not the right sponsor for them to not hesitate to let me know and that they are free to find another sponsor any time they wish.
A sponsor is not a boss (Some of them try to be a boss though), they are simply a mentor & a guide. Think about it, if a guide gets you lost, what do you do? You get another guide. Now a good sponsor will always tell you the truth, it may not be what you want to hear, but if it is the truth that is not a good reason to fire them if the truth they are telling you is someothing that will help you.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
I think you're being overly sensitive...you asked her to sponsor you, she does not see you (or it seems hear from you) for a week, so approaches you & very kindly says look if you've changed your mind cool..I mean school work or no, you've been MIA for a week? Yes? I'm surprised she did not fire you, LOL! 
Go with an open mind and see what she has to say tomorrow,
Cathy31
x
Go with an open mind and see what she has to say tomorrow,
Cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Thanks for all the thoughtful questions. I am confused about the conversation, as you could tell by all the questions you had from my post. I know things need to be straightened out and I hope to clear things up at our meeting tonight. I am not used to such sober attention. It seems that after my first sober yr I am more confused. Possibly because my head is not drunken foggy. Thanks for your food for thought and considerate time in answering my post. I truley appreciate it. Eliz
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Here's how I read this: I think she didn't realize the extent of your commitment with school and the time it would take, noticed that you weren't as available for meetings and time to talk/check-in with her, and brought it up so that if you WERE having issues with her as your sponsor, you would feel free to go to someone who you can better connect with in order to help your sobriety. I think she just wants you to be able to have the best success in your sobriety and wanted you to know that if it were a conflict with her that was keeping you away, you shouldn't feel at all bad at getting someone else.
Just a different take.
Just a different take.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sponsor count
How many sponsors have people had during their soberity up til now?
I'm 10 years sober and I've had 6.
My current one I've had for 4 years and don't think that will change in a hurry, she knows me too well....
And I am pretty sure I had 1 of the other 5 twice too. My reasons for changing have included, moving towns, one got really sick (physically), haven't liked what they've told me and disagreement over use of medication in recovery, that was even before I was diagnosed with MS, but in hindsight it was to medicate my MS etc...
Out of all 6 (including my one now) I have taken a written inventory with 5 of them. And I've just finished my 2nd fifth step with my current sponsor. I took inventory with her help about 2/3 years ago too.
Out of 6 of them, I think there are 3 I love with my whole heart. My 1st one. My 2nd one and the one I have now. I can still remember how weird I felt when I noticed I was fond of my 1st sponsor. It was weird as I had not felt like that towards another person for a long, long time.
No offence to the other ones who sponsored me too, as they are great people, but I just don't or didn't feel that connection to them.
:ghug
A friend of mine tells this great story about going to his sponsors house, when he'd been sober a few years, and thanking him for saving his life then presenting him with an ice cream. It's pretty funny.
I'm 10 years sober and I've had 6.
My current one I've had for 4 years and don't think that will change in a hurry, she knows me too well....
And I am pretty sure I had 1 of the other 5 twice too. My reasons for changing have included, moving towns, one got really sick (physically), haven't liked what they've told me and disagreement over use of medication in recovery, that was even before I was diagnosed with MS, but in hindsight it was to medicate my MS etc...
Out of all 6 (including my one now) I have taken a written inventory with 5 of them. And I've just finished my 2nd fifth step with my current sponsor. I took inventory with her help about 2/3 years ago too.
Out of 6 of them, I think there are 3 I love with my whole heart. My 1st one. My 2nd one and the one I have now. I can still remember how weird I felt when I noticed I was fond of my 1st sponsor. It was weird as I had not felt like that towards another person for a long, long time.
No offence to the other ones who sponsored me too, as they are great people, but I just don't or didn't feel that connection to them.
:ghug
A friend of mine tells this great story about going to his sponsors house, when he'd been sober a few years, and thanking him for saving his life then presenting him with an ice cream. It's pretty funny.
Last edited by lizw; 07-24-2008 at 09:42 PM. Reason: spelling and sponsor count not adding up
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Liz I have 22 months sober and have had 2 sponsors, my first one was a temporary sponsor, great guy, helped me a lot, but traveled so much I rarely saw him face to face, I found my present sponsor about 19 months ago, I am kind off thinking of switching sponsors, not due to problems with my present sponsor, but to get another angle on the program. I may switch in a few months or a few years, my present sponsor is good so I am far from being anxious in seeking another.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I will have 4 years next month and have had 3 sponsors. The first lady was a temporary who took me under her wing when I first got there. As fate would have it, last year she became my mother in law ROFL.
Sponsor #2 had 6 months more time than I did. She took me through steps 1 - 4. The closer she got to a year the more I noticed she was still very sick. Very angry, very bitter and at times very mean. She would get angry if I didn't call every day but towards the end when I would call she would be ranting about her live-in or somebody at group and nothing about recovery. I knew she didn't have anything that I wanted and I started praying for the courage to find a new sponsor. She got her 1 year and got drunk that same night. She died of alcoholism that same year.
Sponsor #3 is a lady I was terrified of but who was very good for me. We are still good friends although I don't really use her as a sponsor anymore. I pretty much just rely on closed mouth friends when things get hairy. I have considered asking someone else but just haven't done it yet. I have access to some ladies with very long term sobriety and am not afraid to pick up the phone and call them so I'm not super concerned about it right now.
Take care,
Kellye
Sponsor #2 had 6 months more time than I did. She took me through steps 1 - 4. The closer she got to a year the more I noticed she was still very sick. Very angry, very bitter and at times very mean. She would get angry if I didn't call every day but towards the end when I would call she would be ranting about her live-in or somebody at group and nothing about recovery. I knew she didn't have anything that I wanted and I started praying for the courage to find a new sponsor. She got her 1 year and got drunk that same night. She died of alcoholism that same year.
Sponsor #3 is a lady I was terrified of but who was very good for me. We are still good friends although I don't really use her as a sponsor anymore. I pretty much just rely on closed mouth friends when things get hairy. I have considered asking someone else but just haven't done it yet. I have access to some ladies with very long term sobriety and am not afraid to pick up the phone and call them so I'm not super concerned about it right now.
Take care,
Kellye
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