Bernadette

Hey y'all-
Visiting from the F&F of alcoholics forum and curious what is the appropriate way to respond to my alcoholic brother's message that he is finding sobriety to be really great.

He's in the throes of a 25+ yr drinking career. He got a second DUI in the winter, lost his license, but is so essential to his company they didn't fire him they hired a driver!!! He's in regional sales!

Anyway since the 2nd DUI he has barely spoken to me. Doesn't return calls. Whatever. I've had a few drunken messages. But yesterday he leaves me a voice mail that is saying how priceless sobriety is.

I gave up talking to him about his drinking many years ago. Too painful. We were always very close as children, he's a good person and I love him dearly. All I ever say in reference to his alcoholism is, "well I hope you can get sober and healthy soon and have you ever thought about really giving AA a shot?" And then I drop it.

Naturally he has "quit" drinking before. But he never announces it and it has never lasted more than a month. And I have never heard him use the word sobriety. ever.

Anyway I feel like I should call him back and respond. I've been in AlAnon long enough to know that what I say will not affect his sobriety/drinking. But I just want to have a positive peaceful relationship with him and I don't know literally what to say?

"That's great about your sobriety!"
"Hey Good News!"

or like

"Wow, that was a shocking message, what's going on with you? You sound really good."

I don't know. Dealing with alcoholics all your life leaves a person just tongue tied and twisted. Very unfortunate but true. Have to evaluate every word and gesture toward him. It all just gets to feeling so unnatural.

Are their any attitudes or words of encouragement that brought healing to your relationships when you found recovery?

Peace and Thanks-
B.

1963comet

This is some wonderful news. I think maybe you can tell him, that's all you ever wanted is for him to be happy.

A person that says they love sobrity is really good news. I always said that if some people I know would just stay sober long enough they might like it.

barb dwyer

Bernadette -

I've read and thoroughly enjoyed reading enough of your posts to know that you already know the answer to this.

I actually don't have any suggestions,
you know your boundaries...
you're spiritually awake enough not to push buttons if/when another slip comes ...
Nobody other than a mother ...
can push buttons like a sib.

the moment right now is the one that matters.

I say
if he's happy be happy with him.

from YOUR side ... of the fence.

no leaking.

*shrug*
see what happens.

CarolD

....I can tell you what I say to
my family and friends in early recovery

Good For You!

and continue praying for them.

I do hope this will be your brothers time for sobriety.
Blessings to both of you

Bernadette

Thanks for the replys!
Barb it is so much easier to think rationally when I am reading other people's posts about their struggles!! It's that simple detachment thing. But natch, with my own brothers I get discombobulated....

But you're all right-- just be happy, don't get attached to it just let it be one day at a time...I am powerless over him I know!!

thanks for your support
Peace,
B.

Ananda

my brother and i have struggled to get sober for many years. currenlty we both have the same sober birthday! coming up on a year on July 25th. The family has been put through the ringer by us, but pretty much with my brother I am happy when he is sober, and when he has drank in the past i sorta feel like oh well and go on. I love him drunk or sober, and it doesn't affect my life that much so I don't go particularly crazy about it. I will be sending him a card and mention it on the phone as in happy birthday, but we don't talk about it alot. I guess I don't have huge expectations on it and am aware it can change....now me, i celebrate every "chip" bd like crazy....

My ex-sponsor from previous sobriety will not have anything to do with me despite the year...and that's ok, i certainly understand and she needs to do what is best for her....i caused a lot of pain for her

so, just my expereince....sounds like you are experieenced enough and have the support to get though this in a healthy way

Mala09

I'd just wish him well and not think about it any more.

If he stays sober and pops around to make amends, you'll have something to talk about. If he stays sober and his life changes, you'll hear from him on a regular basis. But until then, I would sit lightly to the news of his sobriety.

Tough one.

Love

Mala

tommyk

Encouragement, always encouragement.

VeritasAequitas

^ You've got your answer.

Astro

Hi Bernadette, thanks for paying us a visit in the alkie forums! ;-)

My father, brothers and sister-in-law were always very supportive, they did everything they could to help, as long it didn't shake up their lives and they set some safe boundaries. They were also encouraging about AA, but I think they understood that I had to do it for myself, so they sat back and watched to see if I'd choose better or worse. I'm glad I didn't let anyone down.

I guess it's like what I'd do for any other alcoholic in recovery. I'd tell them I was happy they were here, that I'm here to help if they want to reach out, then I'd step back and see if they were serious about wanting sobriety. I think our actions say a lot about our desire for recovery.

You're a great sister for caring about him!

Bernadette

Thanks everyone!
I can't figure this stuff out alone and I appreciate all your voices so much!

Peace,
B.

mikel60

No answers or advice here, just some experience. When I got sober most of my family ignored it. My aunts, however, pulled me aside and told me how proud they were of me, that they had always loved me, and only wanted the best for me. It made my spirit soar and gave a purpose and meaning to my sobriety that I hadn't been able to find for myself. I was walking on air. I'm still sober - 12 years later - not simply because of their love and support, but it certainly helped.
Mike

Tazman53

Well the people I crushed the worst on a daily basis took a "We'll see" attitude and I really do not blame them. The basic support they gave me was not moving out when they planned to, they simply waited and did not gripe when I said I was off to a meeting or top see my sponsor.

My older kids and family not living for me told me they were glad I was sober and they hoped I could keep it up.

At about 3 months sober and me really working on me becoming a better person, slowly a degree of trust started to develop from my immediate family that I was serious about staying sober and not taking it lightly, my kids still at home started to talk to me again.

At 6 months the support I was getting was love and acceptance, a gradual return to what I suppose would be normalcy, not normalcy to what it was like before my alcoholism really took off, but what I suspect normalcy for a family when alcoholism is not a contributing factor.

The support I needed was simple, I did not need people telling me how wonderful I was, or brave I was, or how proud they were of me, but just treating me in a normal manner.

Why not just give him a call and see what is up with him? If he is like I was/am, the best support you can give him is simply treating him normally, if he wants to talk about his sobriety, do so but more with a listening ear then with a suggestive one way conversation. If he just wants to talk about the weather and things, do so.

If he seems as though he is fishing for comliments, simply say I am glad you are finding happiness in being sober and I hope you keep it up.

Now when he has changed enough and been sober long enough to give you a degree of confidence in his sobriety and you are proud of him, then let him know. I would not suggest saying "I am so proud of you not being a drunk any more!" say something like "I am very proud of the changes I have seen in you in the last (Time period he has been sober).

This is only what I felt was good for this alcoholic, so that does not mean it is gospel in any manner for all alcoholics, but for some it may be.

TheMaster

What you said, here, is more than adequate. Tell him that. Don't call, go see him.