Is relapse synonymous with failure?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Is relapse synonymous with failure?
This has been on my mind the past few weeks. I have heard many people lately talking about relapsing. Some have spoken about friends who relapsed, some after multiples of years, and died. Some have spoken about their personal experiences with relapse.
A common underlying theme seems to be that when someone relapses they have failed. I personally have limited experience with relapse as the relapses I had were prior to my finding AA. But I like most people have experienced failure. Personally I do not feel that relapse and failure are synonymous. So for anyone out there who is struggling with relapse and the feeling that they have somehow failed I ask you to consider the following.
A common underlying theme seems to be that when someone relapses they have failed. I personally have limited experience with relapse as the relapses I had were prior to my finding AA. But I like most people have experienced failure. Personally I do not feel that relapse and failure are synonymous. So for anyone out there who is struggling with relapse and the feeling that they have somehow failed I ask you to consider the following.
Be persistent in acting as if it is impossible to fail.
I love this quotation from Louis Pasteur: "Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." I suggest that you become like a pit bull holding on to a bone called hope. Keep a death grip on that bone called hope regardless of what comes along, and regardless of the obstacles and so-called failures that have preciously induced despair. When you feel the despairing thoughts returning, shift your thoughts to an intention of making things work out. I remind myself fo the old maxim, "This too shall pass," and I reaffirm my unwillingness to give up on myself. This inner tenacity is infectious. Saint Francis, the author of the famous Prayer of St. Francis, refused to give up on what he knew was a calling from God. His parents and family tried everything to dissuade him from his obsession with Jesus and devotion to spirit, yet he persisted like that pit bull's grip on the bone. He simply knew that he couldn't fail because his faith was so great, and obstacles became opportunities for hope rather than contributing to an attitude of despair. Who knows, perhaps one day you'll have a lovely city like San Francisco named after you.
I am sure you have heard of Winston Churchill's stirring words as he rallied his countrymen to stand up for the honor of freedom in the face of an immense cloud of despair. "Never give in. Never, never, never, never. In nothing great or small, large or petty----never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense."
Endure and persist. The pain will ultimately turn to your good. This is the value of persistence in bringing hope to the illusion of despair........Eventually, but most assuredly, you will bring hope to that imagined despair........ quoted from There's a spiritual solution to every problem. by Wayne Dyer
I love this quotation from Louis Pasteur: "Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." I suggest that you become like a pit bull holding on to a bone called hope. Keep a death grip on that bone called hope regardless of what comes along, and regardless of the obstacles and so-called failures that have preciously induced despair. When you feel the despairing thoughts returning, shift your thoughts to an intention of making things work out. I remind myself fo the old maxim, "This too shall pass," and I reaffirm my unwillingness to give up on myself. This inner tenacity is infectious. Saint Francis, the author of the famous Prayer of St. Francis, refused to give up on what he knew was a calling from God. His parents and family tried everything to dissuade him from his obsession with Jesus and devotion to spirit, yet he persisted like that pit bull's grip on the bone. He simply knew that he couldn't fail because his faith was so great, and obstacles became opportunities for hope rather than contributing to an attitude of despair. Who knows, perhaps one day you'll have a lovely city like San Francisco named after you.
I am sure you have heard of Winston Churchill's stirring words as he rallied his countrymen to stand up for the honor of freedom in the face of an immense cloud of despair. "Never give in. Never, never, never, never. In nothing great or small, large or petty----never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense."
Endure and persist. The pain will ultimately turn to your good. This is the value of persistence in bringing hope to the illusion of despair........Eventually, but most assuredly, you will bring hope to that imagined despair........ quoted from There's a spiritual solution to every problem. by Wayne Dyer
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
If I had given up at any point over my 15 year drinking career and weekly relapses I have no doubt I wouldn't be here - I'd be dead... or near enough to it. Relapse may not be necessary but it's common enough.
D
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 449
As a chronic relapser, I sometimes felt like a failure, but I always came back.
The times I felt like a failure were when some of the people in the rooms would tell me that I wasn't truly done drinking. Or that I wasn't willing. Or that I wasn't working the program. Or that I didn't hit rock bottom. There is one guy in my home-group that has told me, point blank, to go back out, that I wasn't ready yet. Hadn't had enough.
I agree with Suki when she said: "It's only failure if one doesn't keep trying."
The times I felt like a failure were when some of the people in the rooms would tell me that I wasn't truly done drinking. Or that I wasn't willing. Or that I wasn't working the program. Or that I didn't hit rock bottom. There is one guy in my home-group that has told me, point blank, to go back out, that I wasn't ready yet. Hadn't had enough.
I agree with Suki when she said: "It's only failure if one doesn't keep trying."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
It's only failure if I die. The way it's said in my neck of the woods it's that whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. Another good line is that life breaks _everyone_, it's just that some of us come back stronger in the broken places.
I was in and out of the rooms for 3 years. It was really one long, painful relapse that just went on and on and on. I survived, and learned a whole lot about me in the process. Wish there were an easier way to get thru my thick skull, but obviously there wasn't. I am grateful to my HP that I survived, and I sure don't want to have to repeat the lesson.
As far as other people relapsing; I would never be so arrogant as to tell them why _they_ relapsed. I don't know why my HP chose to give me the gift of sobriety, where would I come up with an explanation for somebody else's recovery?
One of the guys in my home group relapsed recently, he said because of pain pills for a recent surgery. There's a lesson for me, I'm taking the same pills for my own terminal disease. This guy went and learned a lesson or two, maybe if I listen to his story I may be able to learn the same lesson _without_ relapsing. I'm not going to tell him a single word about his relapse, or his recovery. I'm going to get him a cup of coffee, sit down, shut up and listen to _him_ tell _me_ what I need to do to avoid having to learn the same lesson the hard way.
Another line I hear a lot is that the best way to get thru a mine field is to let somebody else get thru it first. Somebody who relapses has gone thru a mine field and come out alive. This is someone I need to follow, and respect.
Mike
I was in and out of the rooms for 3 years. It was really one long, painful relapse that just went on and on and on. I survived, and learned a whole lot about me in the process. Wish there were an easier way to get thru my thick skull, but obviously there wasn't. I am grateful to my HP that I survived, and I sure don't want to have to repeat the lesson.
As far as other people relapsing; I would never be so arrogant as to tell them why _they_ relapsed. I don't know why my HP chose to give me the gift of sobriety, where would I come up with an explanation for somebody else's recovery?
One of the guys in my home group relapsed recently, he said because of pain pills for a recent surgery. There's a lesson for me, I'm taking the same pills for my own terminal disease. This guy went and learned a lesson or two, maybe if I listen to his story I may be able to learn the same lesson _without_ relapsing. I'm not going to tell him a single word about his relapse, or his recovery. I'm going to get him a cup of coffee, sit down, shut up and listen to _him_ tell _me_ what I need to do to avoid having to learn the same lesson the hard way.
Another line I hear a lot is that the best way to get thru a mine field is to let somebody else get thru it first. Somebody who relapses has gone thru a mine field and come out alive. This is someone I need to follow, and respect.
Mike
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I attended AA regularly for 5 years
before I earned a 1 year medallion.
I finally quit drinking.....
when I discovered why
I had slid into alcoholism.
I then re-committed to God and AA
I have not had another drink.
Not at all
before I earned a 1 year medallion.
I finally quit drinking.....
when I discovered why
I had slid into alcoholism.
I then re-committed to God and AA
I have not had another drink.
Is relapse synonymous with failure?
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Suki hit the nail on the head, the only failure is when one quits trying!
Sobergirl sadly there are some real idiots in AA, thank God there are more folks who are not idiots in AA.
There is a reason for every relapse, but not a single reason!!!!
For some folks they have not had enough to drink, for others they have not truly surrendered, for some they continue to hang with the old crowd who is sticking a beer in their face every time they get together.
There are many things that lead to a relapse, not one reason fits all relapses. I know a guy who relapsed after 22 years sober....... did he wait 22 years before he decided to fill up or did he quit doing what had kept him sober for 22 years? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it for a while! LOL
Sobergirl sadly there are some real idiots in AA, thank God there are more folks who are not idiots in AA.
There is a reason for every relapse, but not a single reason!!!!
For some folks they have not had enough to drink, for others they have not truly surrendered, for some they continue to hang with the old crowd who is sticking a beer in their face every time they get together.
There are many things that lead to a relapse, not one reason fits all relapses. I know a guy who relapsed after 22 years sober....... did he wait 22 years before he decided to fill up or did he quit doing what had kept him sober for 22 years? Stick that in your pipe and smoke it for a while! LOL
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Tripping over one's own feet and falling down is a failure to walk properly.
Drinking after deciding to abstain from alcohol is a failure to maintain a decision.
Neither are 'permanent' failures if you get back on track.
Each of us may indeed have another 'run' within us, but there's no guarantee we have another 'recovery' within us. Hopefully when one relapses they don't wind up dead. So, yeah, I believe relapse is a failure and should be avoided at all costs. I failed some classes in college too though, and I recovered from that.
Drinking after deciding to abstain from alcohol is a failure to maintain a decision.
Neither are 'permanent' failures if you get back on track.
Each of us may indeed have another 'run' within us, but there's no guarantee we have another 'recovery' within us. Hopefully when one relapses they don't wind up dead. So, yeah, I believe relapse is a failure and should be avoided at all costs. I failed some classes in college too though, and I recovered from that.
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Thank you for all the replies.
It seems like the conscensous is in line with mine own belief that failure and relapse are not one in the same. So to anyone fighting with relapse remember what has been said here: You are not a failure unless you fail to get back up. Keep trying and don't give up.
It seems like the conscensous is in line with mine own belief that failure and relapse are not one in the same. So to anyone fighting with relapse remember what has been said here: You are not a failure unless you fail to get back up. Keep trying and don't give up.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by suki44883 
If someone dies of AIDS, does that make them a "failure?"
No; but then, it's really apples and oranges. A person can choose to overcome addiction/alcoholism.
No; but then, it's really apples and oranges. A person can choose to overcome addiction/alcoholism.
No one chooses to overcome a disease. The choice is made in whether to fight (for lack of a better word) or not.
In addition, I don't "overcome" my alcoholism. That term implies a cure is possible. I'll be an alcoholic forever.
The point I was trying to make is that there is no failure when one dies of a terminal disease. And I believe alcoholism/addiction to be a terminal disease by the way. One may succumb to a disease, either in death or by making the decision not to try.
Even the AIDS patient who chooses not to take any medication in an attempt to arrest the disease is not a failure, just as the alcoholic who decides to continue drinking is not a failure either.
Apples to oranges? Hardly.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Everyone fails. This is a fact of life. Relapse is a personal failure. Why sugarcoat it? Admitting failure is not about guilt and shame unless one wants to wallow in self pity. Admittance of failure concerning the drink question can be the door to surrender and for every successfully recovering Alcoholic the path starts at surrender not at the plug in the jug; any Drunk can stop for a time. What separates the Drunk from the recovering Alcoholic is manifest in the surrendering of the will by the man or woman. Why would I ever pat someone on the head and say it’s OK to relapse; to be a nice guy? Can we not love those who stumble and fail without enabling them to stay sick?
For me, each failure spurs renewed hope in the possibility of another success. If as a Sponsor and a Member, I raise the bottom for newcomers with my ESH, the last thing I would do is let relapse be a softer, easy topic. I am not one for attacking personhood, but I am one for maintaining consequences for behavior. For lack of a better example, does the child tell the parent how to parent and if and when they do, what is the outcome? I truly do not want to parent Drunks, yet at the same time I will not caudle one either. For me to degrade the possibility of consequences after a return to drinking by a newcomer would make me an accessory to the possibility of that newcomer’s death. How easy it is to forget that Alcoholism kills.
For me, each failure spurs renewed hope in the possibility of another success. If as a Sponsor and a Member, I raise the bottom for newcomers with my ESH, the last thing I would do is let relapse be a softer, easy topic. I am not one for attacking personhood, but I am one for maintaining consequences for behavior. For lack of a better example, does the child tell the parent how to parent and if and when they do, what is the outcome? I truly do not want to parent Drunks, yet at the same time I will not caudle one either. For me to degrade the possibility of consequences after a return to drinking by a newcomer would make me an accessory to the possibility of that newcomer’s death. How easy it is to forget that Alcoholism kills.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
If someone dies of AIDS, does that make them a "failure?"
No; but then, it's really apples and oranges. A person can choose to overcome addiction/alcoholism.
No; but then, it's really apples and oranges. A person can choose to overcome addiction/alcoholism.
We can each control & manage our disease.
A person with AIDS has no such recourse.
Just stating our opinions here.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by tommyk
We can each control & manage our disease.
To perhaps state my point a little more clearly...
To me, "failure" implies a goal not met. If there's no goal, there can be no failure.
If an alcoholic chooses to do nothing about their disease, there is no goal and no failure. I believe we all have a few choices when it comes to managing our disease (just like the AIDS patient). And we're all free to change our minds from time to time.
In sobriety/recovery, I've chosen to do something about the disease. In relapse/use, I've chosen to do nothing and allow the disease to do what it will.
But, yeah, opinions...
The more I think about it, the more I think we're pretty much saying the same thing in a different way.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Is relapse synonymous with failure?
I know for myself I have some very strict rules and boundaries where drinking is concerned, so I suppose if i were to relapse i would probably have to say that I failed in my goal to stay sober for the rest of my life,
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Personally, I don’t like the term relapse. In a way, it seems to diminish my responsibility for my actions. I find the word to be too clinical, too gentle. Failure is probably a better description:
I failed to accept that I am an alcoholic.
I failed to take any action.
I failed to work my recovery program.
I failed to stay away from risky situations.
I failed to white-knuckle it through the craving.
Etc.
My last bender: I went out to have 4-5 beers with my friends (thought I could moderate by timing my drinks). I was drunk for 60 hours, out of control, blacked out, hurting people, ignoring my obligations, very disrespectful to those I love.
When I came to, I called my wife: “I ****ed up again.” A complete & total failure.
I have to take responsibility and be held accountable for my actions. The people I hurt expect & deserve no less than this.
This does not mean that I consider myself, my life to be a failure - far from it actually. But when I was drunk and out of control, what else can I call it?
Just my own opinion and I respect where others are coming from.
I failed to accept that I am an alcoholic.
I failed to take any action.
I failed to work my recovery program.
I failed to stay away from risky situations.
I failed to white-knuckle it through the craving.
Etc.
My last bender: I went out to have 4-5 beers with my friends (thought I could moderate by timing my drinks). I was drunk for 60 hours, out of control, blacked out, hurting people, ignoring my obligations, very disrespectful to those I love.
When I came to, I called my wife: “I ****ed up again.” A complete & total failure.
I have to take responsibility and be held accountable for my actions. The people I hurt expect & deserve no less than this.
This does not mean that I consider myself, my life to be a failure - far from it actually. But when I was drunk and out of control, what else can I call it?
Just my own opinion and I respect where others are coming from.
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