tryingtolive

Yea im gonna be selfish and start this thread.

I think it will be good for me to look back and see what I have written days, weeks, and months earlier.

I want to do this because I just got back from a meeting and didn't share anything. I shared yesterday (not much at all) and was surprised at how much better I felt afterwords. I wanted to share but what I wanted to say wasn't really what the topic was about so i'll share here.

I have a week sober right now and it has not been hard. For me, it gets hard once I start feeling really good about myself. When I feel good there is nothing I want more than a night on the town. I feel as if I got everything under control and all I need to ease off how much and how often I drink and I will have everything under control. I seem to forget everything bad that I have done or has happend to me because of drinking.

In the back of my mind right now, I am thinking that maybe I can go out and drink again once I get a steady job, get out of my parents house, and can fully support myself. Maybe I can, I don't know??

I do know that I need to develop some spirituality and improve myself by working the steps for the next few months (which I am trying to take one at a time) in AA. I am trying to believe in God or a higher power. I was a stone cold atheist for the past few years. I had the same views as George Carlin (RIP).

I am going to try and meet sober people and hangout with them. It is crucial that I meet people to hangout with on weekends and do things with. I have talked to someone who said he will be my temporary sponsor and have gotten two people numbers.

I guess I will just have to keep going to meetings and trying to meet people. I don't know how this will work out but I wanted to share since I didn't tonight at the meeting.

OK end rant.

tommyk

Thanks for sharing, that's basically where it all starts.

deezaldog

You are taking a step in the right direction. Have you taken the first step in AA? Congrats on one wk sober. I still remember wishing to get through the first 24 hrs. Good luck on the wonderful journey of sobriety. An old timer told me to attend meetings like I drank. The old timers in my circle are from the old school of AA. They tell us what to do and if you do not they hold you accountable. I still do what he told me to do. I attend mtgs every day. If I could drink every day then I could go to a mtg every day. The first step to recovery is admitting we were alcoholic, the first step to a relapse is to miss a meeting for any reason-real or imagined. Good Luck!

serenityqueen

Congratulations on your first week in Recovery!

I am a firm believer that AA is necessary in order for someone to successfully stay in Recovery. The Steps and the Fellowship have made it possible for me to have nearly 3 years Clean and Sober.

In Recovery I found a God of my understanding . . . a loving God who is not judgemental and unforgiving like I believed in the past.

Making new friends in the Fellowship is vital. No one can do this alone.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I look forward to hearing from you on a regular basis. I love to watch someone grow in their Recovery.

God Bless,
Judy

353

Thanks for sharing tryingtolive,

I can relate to your experience very well. Felt much the same way...easy at first, worried about getting well (what would happen)...would I be able to stay sober?

Posting your experience is not selfish, it's helpful, to both you and me!

When I read your post I once again know I'm not alone in recovery, when you read this I hope you know you are not alone as well.

Peace

Sugah

I know what you mean about feeling too good, ttl. For me, it was the same way. I wanted to go out, strut my stuff, be the life of the party.... So, what to do when the air starts building under your feet? We have regular a regular "meeting after the meeting" on Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes, even on Wednesdays. I just got home half an hour ago. We closed the local pizza shop - where the waitresses really love us. We carry on, have a good time, talk a lot of recovery and leave a damned good tip.

I've also learned to express "feeling good" in other ways. I'll go into the kitchen and whip up a new dish - or my kids' favorite. This afternoon, I felt so good, I spent almost an hour floating around in my daughter's pool - one of those EZ-Set 3ft deep jobs. I didn't need an olympic-size in-ground to be happy. Heck, eight hours later, I'm still relaxed! As your thoughts change and alcohol is no longer a part of your life, I think you'll find those things you value and label as "fun" changing, and you'll want to direct your energies into more productive and meaningful activities. At least, that's the way it was for me.

Looking forward to reading about your journey.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

CarolD

...A week is a good beginning
Well done!

Pagekeeper

I can relate. I've spent years rewarding my good behavior with booze. Maybe a way to look at it is like this: Alcohol is not a reward for an alcoholic. It is a punishment. To think that you will be able to handle it just because things are going well is a delusion. The BB says this on page 30:

So your feelings are not abnormal if you are an alcoholic. But I think the thing to keep in mind is that "normal drinkers" don't have these thoughts. They don't sit around pondering for hours how they might be able to drink safely again! It never even crosses their minds. Maybe the key to this is just accepting the fact that you will have these thoughts from time to time, but if you recognize them for what they are--delusions--than at least you are being honest with yourself.

I'm sort of in the same boat. I have 10 days sober and I am starting over (again). Right now I'm just taking this one day at a time. If I catch myself thinking about the future, and whether or not when things get right in my life if I will drink, than I am thinking way too far ahead. The future is none of my business right now. Just for today. Peace!

Quote is from the First Edition
of the AA book...Alcoholics Anonymous

Cathy31

Thanks for this. So true. Well done Pagekeeper and TTL you are on the right track! Well done!!

Cathy31
x

collinsmi

I was an atheist too for a while. As it turns out, it wasn't a practical outlook for me.

Tazman53

tryingtolive congrats on a week sober, you have recieved some awesome replies, I wound up drunk so many times rewarding myself for staying sober it was simply insane!!!! You are not alone, it took me years of getting drunk celebrating sobriety to realize that what I was doing was insane!!!! LOL

You have a good beginning, simply set aside prejudices and preconception and go with the flow, be willing to simply beleive, what you beleive in is yours and yours alone, no one needs to know what it is. One of my sponsees is an Agnostic, he has found a Higher Power, what it is? I really do not know and have no need to know, he has been HAPPILY sober for over a year now and has worked all the steps and is today applying the steps, he is walking the the walk.

BTW there are plenty of aethiest in AA contrary to what some folks out side of AA say, they have found a HP they understand that works for them and keeps them happily aethiest.

Cathy31

LOL Taz me too!


TTL awesome!

tryingtolive

When I first found this site I remember you were struggling with sobriety. Now you have a couple years under your belt. So let me congratulate you on that.

I am still going to AA everyday and today I did some reading.

lovingseren

Congrats on taking back charge of Your Life!

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

philosoffy

Hi tryingtolive,

ALCOHOL WILL ALWAYS TELL YOU WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU.
NOT WHAT IT'S ALREADY DONE !

Stick with it, progress not perfection

mikey383

I'm working on my 10th day sober, and the thoughts that one day I may be able to drink casually have been crossing my mind lately. The only thing that I know is that I will never be able to. Everytime I've thought this before, it ended up in the same spot...with me being a drunk again. I would go out and have a few drinks, then those few would lead to a few more, and the cycle would start again until I realized that it needs to stop.

I have this thought in my mind now that I know I will eventually end up dead if I start drinking again. I've came close a few times, and The Big Man decided that it wasn't my time. One drink leads to two, leads to three, leads to too many. I know that I can never have one drink again.

Keep your head up, and take it a day at a time. One sober day is worth way more than a drunk day.

tryingtolive

I've been going to meetings everyday and been going out to a dinner to play chess/cards with some people from AA. They are all nice people. Some are extremely into AA. Like almost militaristic about it. That is all they do from sun up to sun down, is go to meetings and talk about sobriety. Some of them are far more advanced in alcoholism than I am. Its a point I hope I never have to get to.

I always leave the diner feeling very depressed. I sometimes think to myself "what the **** am I doing?" I am very boring and quiet when there. I feel like I am the odd one out in the group. Its like I have no thoughts or have nothing to say. I am a fly on the wall. I only make an occasional remark or smart ass comment.

In short, I feel very lonely and scared. I am scared because I am not sure if this is for me. I am not sure I fit in with these people. They range from being people my age (mid 20's) with substance abuse issues to 60 year old people with serious mental conditions. I don't know, its hard making friends with these people. I don't know what to say. I have nothing to say. I am trying to get to know people but I think they almost wish I didn't come around. I realize this is probably not true, but its how I feel.

I am not sure who I am and that is some scary ****.

Lenina

Hey tryingtolive,

I don't know if you live in a town large enough to have multiple meetings but if you do, shop around. See if you can find a meeting with good sobriety and minimum insanity. Stick with the winners.

Read up on alternative recovery techniques and see if there's anything helpful for you there. I like SMART. I use a bit of this and that. Take what you need and leave the rest.

You can have a sober and peace-filled life.

Much love,

Lenina

Cathy31

Tryingtolive you're doing so great, please don't give up before the miracle happens...I would also mix it up with different meetings as well as NA which I find helps me hugely...remember our disease is one of isolation so what you're doing is AWESOME and takes a lot of courage - I did not feel I fitted in for ages but I kept going back, tried other meetings and then the miracle happened - these people are now my best friends in the world.
Cathy31
x

findingout

Hey tryingtolive

Thanks for your latest post. I had the same feelings you do the first couple of months (heck, most of the first year) I was going to meetings. It took that long for me to lose the feeling of being on the outside looking in and almost six years later, I am still pretty bad at making small talk before and after meetings. On the other hand, before I got sober, I was completely useless when it came to that unless I had a drink in my hand and several more in my stomach, so I am making progress.

What worked for me was service work. I started showing up early and helping to set up. I helped clean up after. I made coffee. Eventually, I lost my fear of my head exploding and signed up to chair/start off meetings. When my first home group needed a secretary and somebody suggested me, I said "Yes." When my N.A. group's secretary had to step down and he asked me to replace him, I said "Yes." At some point during the first couple of years, I felt like I fit in, as if by magic. Except it wasn't magic, it was the result of me making an effort.

Also, there are those 12 things called "the steps". The fellowship in both A.A. and N.A. is great and it's important, but I believe it's the process of working the steps that brought about the lasting change in me. Stupid 5 am analogy: you can't learn to play football by just hanging around the football team after games. You actually have to set foot on the playing field.

Hang in there, it does get better, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.