Pagekeeper

Hi everyone. I'm new. I'm not, however, new to AA.

I went to my first AA meeting when I was 14 or 15 years old. I had my first drink at 11 and by the time I was a senior in high school, I was drinking every day.

Two years ago, I started attending AA meetings regularly. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, and managed to stay sober for almost a year. Then I drank again. This was last summer. Since then, I've picked up 3 white chips, staying sober for about six weeks and then going back out for 6.

Here is my dilemma. The time before this when I picked up a white chip, I was absolutely convinced I was done drinking. I'd never felt so convinced before and for the first time, I could really imagine my life without alcohol. When my sponsor asked me if I was REALLY done drinking, I told her YES, and I truly, truly meant it. I felt I had hit my bottom, for the first time. When I almost put that year together, I had a lingering doubt in the back of my mind that I would drink again. But I had no such doubts last time, which is why I am so confused as to why I drank again. Now I don't know how I can be sure if I'm really done or not. I can't even trust my own thoughts. I may feel like I've "had enough," but I felt like that the last time and I picked up again.

I'm frustrated by this. Maybe I shouldn't be, I don't know. I went to two meetings today. I want sobriety.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Did you ever feel like you'd hit your bottom, were absolutely convinced of the 1st step, and then you picked up again? If so, when you came back, was it something that bothered you? The not knowing? And what did you do to prevent it from happening again?

Taking5

I have picked up a total of 4 white chips, wish I hadn't, but I have. I, like you, think I am done drinking, but who knows? The fact that I have already relapsed 3 times scares me.

When you say you "worked" the steps, when did you finish? An old timer told me once that there is no place in the steps that says "OK, thats it, you're done, get the heck out of here".

Ananda

This is something that people have had many different experiences with.. for me today i know that I hit a bottom...that is i was living a life I don't ever want to live again. I also "think"/"know" that I have had enough....unfortunately for me I know that I will always be subject to those strange mental blank spots that precede the first dring ... the insanity...and that of myself I am powerless at those times. However I do what I can to stay spiritually fit so that my "HP" can get me through those times. But will I be aware that I am sliding into a not spiritually fit space? I don't know.

I think this is the sort of thing that caused many alchoholics to come to believe that there but for the grace of god go I.

I work the steps (live them) to the best of my ability each day That is a big job right there. The I have come to believe that I must believe that a higher power will be there to keep me from the drink, although it is possible I will drink again, my part is to simply work the steps as deeply and fully as I can ...leave the results to my HP.

Signal30

Are you doubting that you haven't hit your bottom? Being convinced that you an alcoholic is not enough to remain sober. You have to work the AA program to remain sober. If you are inquiring on what work needs to be done, confide with your sponsor. That's what they are there for.


Tom

CarolD

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum


I have experienced a psychic change
as described in the Doctors Opinion

Yes...I am done.

The only time I think of drinking is
when I share my journey with others.

I consider that to be a miracle....

nandm

Welcome to SR and our alcoholism forum:ghug2

Cathy31

I could not fathom or envision being done 'forever' So I faked it a bit, took it a day at a time, went to meetings, got a sponsor and one day I woke up and I had a bit of sobriety, the desire to drink had been removed and I can honestly say now that I am done but who knows - we only have today! Pray for it ,work at it, it will come!
Cathy31
x

Tazman53

I have not relapsed since I came into AA, but I am well aware that as I quoted above, that what I have is a daily reprieve that is contingent upon me maintaining my spiritual condition.

Am I done? Am I full? Today I am.......... tomorrow is not here, I have no control over tomorrow except for what I do today. This morning I awoke sober and I asked to be given the power to remain sober today and the power to do His will.

Today I will work on applying all of the steps in all of my affairs, I will work on remaining "God conscience". I will not rest on my laurels, yesterdays sobriety does not assure tomorrows sobriety for me.

I have heard old timers say that they keep the hell of thier alcoholism fresh by sharing thier own story and working with other alcoholcs. I do my best to follow thier path, I attend at least one new comers meeting a week for 2 primary purposes, one is to carry the message to those still suffering and the second is to help me keep where I was at 22 months ago fresh in my head.

I also am a sponsor, which aides me immensely in staying sober, my sponsee's help me to stay sober far more then I help them.

There are some folks in AA that all it takes for them to stay sober is going to meetings, for me I have found that in order to maintain happy sobriety I need to work the entire program, I apply the steps to all areas of my life the best I can, I attend meetings, I do service work, and I work with other alcoholics, and live life on lifes terms.

I no longer attend a meeting every day, thanks to the steps I live life, I spend more time with my family then I ever did when I was drinking, I have found that real recovery is not how many meetings I attend, but how I live life.

In early sobriety what saved my butt was calling some one in the fellowship BEFORE I picked up a drink, I guess one could say they are finished drinking when they are willing to pick up the phone or go to a meeting BEFORE they pick up a drink, but once again it is all dependant on ones spiritual condition.

The second a drink starts to sound like a good idea take action, either a totally new action to stay sober or an old one that worked before and keep doing so until that drink really does not seem like a good idea any more.

tommyk

Do you remember when drinking stopped being fun?

Do you remember the reasons you decided to quit drinking?

As long as you remember these things you are probably done drinking.

(Somewhere along the line we all too often 'forget' or change our minds - WE BEGIN TO THINK: it really wasn't that bad after all - BUT IT WAS THAT BAD AND DON'T FORGET IT....!)

Pagekeeper

Thanks for all of your feedback. I appreciate it.

Right now I am sort of between sponsors. Last time around, I decided I wanted to go through the steps with someone else, just to get a different perspective, and the person I was working with went back out. In no way am I projecting any kind of fault on her, that's just what happened. The sponsor I was working with before her was very helpful to me. For some reason, though, I am reluctant to call her. Maybe because I've been in and out so much this past year.

I will admit that I've had a lot of trouble with the Higher Power aspect of the program. I understand what others are saying about working the steps and using them in every aspect of my life, but it's a little difficult to do that when I can't get past Step 2. Step 1 won't keep me sober. I've learned that the hard way. I don't really have a HP, but I do honestly believe the only thing that can keep me sober is a power greater than myself. I certainly can't do it and no person has ever been able to stop me.

Anyway, thanks again. The feedback has given me a lot to consider.

bugsworth

Hello Pagekeeper, before I finally quit drinking for good I spent years drinking...not drinking...drinking...not drinking. Like a yo-yo. For me it was only when I knew that alcohol was killing me that I could quit for good. Alcohol provided me with nothing positive...and I mean nothing. I was full, I had drank enough to last a lifetime.

While I am a Christian, I do not utilize my faith or religious affiliation to keep me sober. I rely on myself, I rely on the power that lies dormant in us all until called upon to do the hard work. I know many people need to have an external source to rely on, but I have found self reliance to be a very powerful tool once used. I found that changing my perception of what I am capable of has removed many road block along the way. You can do this...it takes commitment, dedication and perseverance.

Best of luck to you! Keep posting and believe in yourself!

Tazman53

pagekeeper my experience in getting and staying sober has been some of the best things I have done that have benefitted me staying sober have been things I was uncomfortable doing, scared of doing, or to lazy to do.

I can assure you that she will be more then happy to hear from you and work with you again. This is one of those times when you will need to overcome that uncomfortable feeling. Switch places with her, if you could help some one wouldn't you?
Why not give her a call?

Do you beleive or are you willing to beleive there is a Power Greater then your self or alcohol? If you do, that is all that is needed to start. Keep in mind that it is your conception of a Power Greater then yourself and no one elses.

Aethiest in AA find a Power Greater then them selfs, be it an inner power or something else.

sugErspun

The first step as I understand it, is more along the lines of - "I am going to drink again, there is nothing 'I' can do about it. And once I start, I cannot stop." Powerless- right? How many times does the book say that the true alcoholic cannot leave alcohol alone for good and all?

It is not a pleasant thing. But without it, step 2 is useless because I still think, somehow, someway I can beat this myself. If I think I can beat it - that means I have choice,power, control over my alcoholism - when the first step is the concession that I don't.

It comes out of experience - which you seem to have. If you are unable to stay sober by just 'trying really hard' - it's ok, there are a lot of us. We are the ones for whom AA is written.

RufusACanal

Pagekeeper,

Welcome to SR. Many have shared their experience, strength and hope concerning your questions. Here is my belief; drink until you are done, get completely full of booze, leaving no lingering doubt. Find a Power Greater than yourself who you will turn all over to and working a program of recovery via the Twelve suggested Steps of AA. It's like pregnancy, you either are or you are not. Alcoholism and the insanity of the next drink do not go away even when one has had all of the booze they will ever need unless a Power Greater than you is surrendered to and relied upon. Make a decision, ask God to embrace your life and take the necessary action to live free. It is not easy work to live free, but it is everything you could ever wish for. Be honest, be sober and be free.

RobbyRobot

hi pagekeeper,
how are you doing today? welcome to SR!

finding our rock bottoms is not an exact science so no "sure way" to get there really owns. taking in alot of informed opinions and good fellowship helps us learn about our own alcoholism. your history above says you've been around for awhile trying to kick the monster down. ok. and you have already shown yourself that you can get clean and so you know the program works and all. ok.

your dilemma as i see it: even with doing what you think is some of your best program work, you just went off and relapsed anyways. you know, i don't really see that as uncommon. what is happening to you is kinda ordinary imo. the thing that does shine here is that your owning up to your progression of your alcoholism with statements like these:

"But I had no such doubts last time, which is why I am so confused as to why I drank again." -- your prolly in more denial then you know. denial is like a silent slayer of simple truths. it distracts our common sense thinking and promotes stinkin' thinkin'.

"Now I don't know how I can be sure if I'm really done or not. I can't even trust my own thoughts." -- well, i would just go with this one. you have this one nailed. yeah, i know, hard to face that we can't trust our own thinking but you said it yourself. don't sweat it too much though, you don't got to be any smarter then you already are to stay clean for the rest of your life. i don't trust my own thinking to this day. i also don't f**k with it. it just is what it is. where ever it goes it takes me. if i don't like the ride, i just start with something else. it's my head, eventually i get my way. always works like that. [!] nothing to fear here but fear itself. relax. just face that we can't think our way out of our troubles.

"I may feel like I've "had enough," but I felt like that the last time and I picked up again." -- ditto here. ride this out too. nailed it again. you know, i've heard from some that if i feel something in my "guts" it's real and trustable. lol. well, yeah, it's real of course, but it is no more trustable then my head, just my feelings are slower cause there deeper, and its harder to be in denial of feelings then thoughts.

what i do trust is the path chosen i live with. i trust my actions. i trust my fellowships. i trust my HP. i trust my core. i trust my failures more then i trust my successes but i trust them both. i trust the easter bunny. juussst playin' hahaha

"I had my first drink at 11 and by the time I was a senior in high school, I was drinking every day." -- your hardcore. hardcore. hardcore. ummm, you know that right? and if you don't, well, that kinda proves the whole thing now don't it, eh?!! and it's not just what happened to you as you slowly rotted away takin' care of your business and all. it's what didn't happen to you because it couldn't because you were all f**ked up on your ****. your a life interrupted. those late childhood early teenage years are messed up bad and i am sorry bout that.

if you want to play the games that "the it" is not "really" gone, that no you saved yourself just in time, coulda been worse but it's not, that your not hardcore yet, yada yada yada; then just keep doing what your doing because its always gonna be your call. it's been your call since you were eleven. yeah, not your fault, your not guilty -- just saying its your call -- your responsibility. just like it was when you relapsed last time.

i'm sharing back since some of me flashed up when i ate your post. nothing there i wanted to puke out, so i guess i related. hahaha.

anyways. get back to me please i would like to hear if you see yourself as hardcore. or not.

ruch

I find the "go on and get full" cliche insulting and a copout. People stop drinking when they want to stop. You have to want it, period. You aren't powerless to that first drink in my opinion. Nobody is except for instances of physical dependency.

Now once that first drink is consumed all bets are off. That's when the "allergy" takes hold and we(alkies) are off to the races. Just my take.

Pagekeeper

Thanks for your insight. It's very helpful to me. You may very well be right about the denial. Just more evidence of how crazy I am when it comes to alcohol. Let me tell you, I'm pretty damn nuts when it comes to booze.

I do and I don't. I've had some pretty horrific things happen to me while drinking. But for some reason I am almost numb to it. I'm a blackout drinker, so putting a bottle to my lips is about like putting a gun in my mouth. I haven't had too much legal trouble, but that's only because I was lucky. I should've been arrested many times and somehow got away with it. All I know is that I can't remember the last time I woke up from a bender and felt good. I'm in the stage now where I wake up from a night of drinking and I feel utterly petrified--of what, I have no idea. But I am literally terrified upon waking and need to take valium or some other sedative just to feel sh*tty and hungover and even then I may get so depressed the day after that I feel like I need to go to the hospital and be checked into a mental ward. I suppose that's hardcore, yup. I'm not saying that to draw attention to myself or to get pity, it's simply the reality of my situation.

But I do have some good news. I went to 2 meetings today and saw my sponsor at one of them. I'm calling her tomorrow and we're getting together either tomorrow or this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow. So I'm on my way to getting back on track.

CarolD

Wow!....

Keep in focus...you are worth the work!

1963comet

I can understand what you are saying. When I quit drinking I said to myself that I was done. I lost my license 10 years ago and really wanted to drive again. But it took 3 years before I trusted myself to even apply. I did not want to ever re-offend again.

You know it is so easy to say the drinking is over when your sick. It is after a person gets better that the real test begins.

It has been 7 1/2 years now and I feel good about not drinking. Do not miss it at all. I stopped and started to many times, so I know how it will turn out if I started drinking again. That will never change in my lifetime.

least

I have the same problem. I stop drinking and then start again - always for stupid reasons. I've been attempting to stop drinking since last December. The longest sober stretch so far was 32 days. Why I started drinking again after being sober a month is beyond me. I think I must have a very big self destructive streak in me, to keep drinking again when I know in my heart I want to stay sober.

I'm trying again, with today as day one - again. I am going to meetings and praying a lot. I need God's help to get thru this. I am too small and weak to do this all by myself. I am told that God loves me no matter what. I really need His love cause I sure don't love myself.

Keep coming back here, there's so much support and good advice.

:ghug3