PaperDolls

I was sober for about 2 years.
About 6 months ago I started drinking "casually" again.

Long story short, it lead to me binge drinking. Alone.

Saturday night I was with C and some friends. I got beyond drunk and completely out of control. C said I'm lucky I'm not in a coma ....... or dead.

Sunday morning C took me to the ER and I'm doing an Intensive Outpatient Program at the hospital. It's 3 days a week in the evenings.

I've never attempted to have any type of treatment for this. Only periodically attend AA meetings. I plan to go to more.

I'm going to do this differently this time. I know I have to.

Right now I'm embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted with myself.
My anxiety level is through the roof. I'm sick to my stomach constantly. I feel horrible for what I've put and what I'm putting C through. So much guilt and self-hatred.

I'm still going to therapy and my p-doc. I'm have been and will continue to be honest with them.

I told C "I'm sorry" about a hundred times but it feels so useless and pointless. How do you apologize for being like this and acting like I did Sat. night? I expected her to hate me, throw me out but she wants to try to be supportive. It means the world to me and I need it. We love each other but I do know that sometimes love isn't everything. That scares me to death. I know she's getting worn out and I can't blame her.



I don't know what else to say.

grateful2b

ahh, PD...sorry Hon, sending you prayers to heal your heart...you are so important to us here...nothing I can say that you don't already know.....glad you are back on the horse...., Grateful

Rowan

Hi Jen,

I remember when you had that first drink after 2 years sober, and your reluctance to change your sober date. I was worried. I'm sorry for what happened Saturday night, but I'm grateful that it's changed your perspective, and that you are willing to seek help for your alcoholism in a different way today.

Those yucky feelings will lift. Keep doing the work, and forgive yourself. You're not a bad person, you happen be an alcoholic. Let C love you. You're a good person, Jen.

Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Your friend in recovery.

PaperDolls

I'm afraid this anxiety won't go away. It's not any better then yesterday or the day before. In fact, may be worse. I can't quit thinking and thinking and hating myself.

My pdoc has always been okay with me being on clonazopam but one of the docs at group yesterday said I shouldn't be. I can't imagine not being able to take something for anxiety. I'm pretty sure I would loose it completely.

mrhodes01

Sorry to hear about your situation, but you can use it as a learning experience. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, which I always knew but had to prove to myself by relapsing following 18 months sober (two years ago). I went on a two-year run that almost killed me a few times and caused me to lose almost everything. Try to be thankful you have the opportunity to stop the insanity in its tracks with what sounds like relatively little wreckage. Be grateful for the support and new recovery program you have, and focus on making each day healthier and happier than the last.

I struggle with anxiety too. There are medications that aren't benzos that can help--I suggest working with your p-doc to find something that enables you to do your recovery work rather than sabotage it.

I'm as anti-god as they come, but my desperation has led me to pray and realize that everything happens for a reason, even though I don't know what the heck it is or what the heck I'm praying to

It takes the edge of my anxiety, which takes the edge off my alcoholic obsessions. Worth a try...

Best of luck, you can get through this, one day at a time.

MR

TTOSBT

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain PaperDolls. But at 61 days clean, this was really good for me to read.
Sobriety for me is all about self preservation. I am doing WHATEVER I am told to do today. Because I NEVER want to feel the way I did 62 days ago.
I am so happy that you have someone that loves you and cared enough to get you help. Do not feel guilty, you are worthy!! And it sounds like C knows this.
Last night when I took my 60 day chip at my home group, several women congratulated me and told me what a great addition to the group I was. I felt at home. That is HUGE for me. I am telling you this because it meant the world to me and the way it happened was that I went to a ton of meetings my first 30 days. People started to recognize me and I found the meetings where I found the most quality recovery. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. That has made ALL the difference to me. Don't know if this is something you are interested in but I wanted to share my experience.
I am rooting for you.

bugsworth

Paperdolls, I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. While I don't know about anti-anxiety medication I do know about hating myself during active drinking. You know it takes a while to get better, you have done it before and you can do it again. Put down the bat and pick up your recovery tools!

I wish you the best!

Peter

By changing. Sorry is about change. For us alcoholics mumbled apologies and promises will not be enough...

RufusACanal

The fear and the pain of this return to drinking will fade in time. Also, Rowan mentioned that you had earlier doubts about changing your sobriety date after a drinking period. You have posted over 4500 times here at SR and I have had the opportunity to read some of your good thoughts. On top of it all, you have an Anxiety Disorder with clonazepam maintenance. Like all benzodiazepines, clonazepam is a benzodiazepine receptor agonist and highly addictive. Mixing this medication with beverage Alcohol is insane and can very easily lead to death.

"About 6 months ago I started drinking "casually" again."

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path..."

What PD will be different this time for you? I wish you well.

Anna

Hi PaperDolls,

I am sorry you're going through this, and your words brought me right back to where I was with all those negative feelings snowballing over me. As Peter said, the only the thing you can do now is to show the people around you that you are changing. Words alone won't be able to do that.

Keep posting and I hope you feel better.

tommyk

"About 6 months ago I started drinking "casually" again."

A horror story follows this phrase 99% of the time.

Newcomers take note please.

Paperdolls, thanks for sharing.

22NGONE

PD,

You are not the first or the last of many who thought they had tamed the Beast only to find out different. I would take the negative feelings you are having and turn that energy into positive action to truly Recover and maintain your Sobriety this time. Go to AA, keep going back, the longer you go the more you're accepted. Get a sponsor, right away and start working your steps, don't forget Service and helping others, you'll be fine I'm sure.

"It works if you work it."
"I can't, He can, so let Him."

John

Toomutch

I too began to drink after a long period of sobriety (7 years). The guilt and shame were excrusiating- but I kept right on drinking, because it brought me right back to where I was so many years before.
I have over 4 months sober now and although the guilt and humiliation I felt has now faded, I will never allow it to completely go away. I need to remember how awful it was, so that I will hopefully never go back to that place.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

gravity

I did the same thing last year - “successfully” moderated for several months, a horrific bender in December. One major positive about this experience is that I now know without a doubt that I am an alcoholic. I accept it. I cannot drink alcohol – period. Since then, I have been working very hard on my recovery. I know what will happen if I don’t.

My wife was doubtful at first (who can blame her) but as she watched me attend meetings, work with my sponsor, and as they sober days passed, her confidence in me has grown. It’s not only the sobriety, it’s that I am getting help. I am changing as a person and we are becoming friends again. It has been several years since I have seen her this happy.

Believe in yourself.

BackToSquareOne

Paper Dolls, from the responses I can see that many have followed the same pattern. In my case I have quit for a year or two, drank moderately for a while but it always ended up with major binge drinking. I have done this so many times I've lost count, I have no words of wisdom other then your not alone. What can you really do but pick yourself up and start over again? My prayers are with you and I hope things work out for you.

Astro

Me either Jen, except "know that you're loved, respected, and admired for what you share with everyone on SR".

Welcome back, you've always had a seat here and we'll always keep it warm for you.

PaperDolls

Thank you for your feedback everyone. I need it more then I ever have.

6pm meeting tonight -- I get so anxious just thinking of going to a meeting. I can't figure out why. I think, may be possibly .......... I don't want to start crying when I try to talk because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

The group yesterday didn't make me as anxious ..... or something.
I spoke way more than I thought I ever would have.

You're all right. "I'm sorry" means nothing ...... action speak louder than words.
I'm going to give this ALL I have this time. Last time, even though I made it 2 years, I didn't give it much effort.

CarolD

Glad you are open to a fresh start.


Look...you did not committ treason or murder.
You drank and alcoholics drink until.unless
they learn how to abstain.
And that is exactly what you are planning to do.

Relax and let your recovery flow.

Tommyh

the 12 steps got rid of my aniexity

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Jen,

I remember along with Rowen when you had that first drink again. I was worried too.

Thank you for reaching out to us here. I"m really happy that you are taking steps to recover. Yea for you!!

xo