Texasblind

I'll get to pick up my 6 month chip on Saturday, yet my "I guess" girlfriend has left me. Saying she just can't forgive all the things I did/said while drunk. I get that. What I don't get is why she used 5 months of my sobriety to say so. What a delayed reaction.

I proved I could stay sober, I proved I could be a decent guy. She left anyway.

I guess it's okay. I know I'll meet somebody while I'm in sobriety. Starting a relationship off on the right foot this time.

Still, I'm pissed. This is a woman who is horribly addicted to drugs and refuses to accept my changes. She would yell at me for being drunk while sucking down the pipe. This is someone I pay for therapy with. It's been a bad combo from the beginning. I know that now with a clear head. I guess I've learned that all breakups are bad, even the ones that need to happen. They still suck.

Thanks for letting me vent.

suki44883

Yeah, it sucks, but at least you know it's a bad combo anyway. Sounds like maybe she sees that you are really serious about sobriety and it's forcing her to look at her own addiction, which can be pretty uncomfortable. It doesn't sound so much like she can't forgive you for things you did...it sounds more like she's not comfortable using now that you're not. Anyway, it sounds to me like you're better off in the long run anyway.

Congratulations on the 6 months!! That's terrific!! :ghug3

fallingdown

You should be proud of yourself. If she has chosen not to enjoy sobriety with you then it's her loss. I hope you find someone who is better suited for you.

1963comet

I think Suki44883 hit it right on. That was my first thought also.

sorrycuse7

You know what.......I enjoy the song "Can we forget about the things I said while I was drunk, I didn't mean to call you that, I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me..please tell me why...the car is in the front yard, I'm sleeping with my clothes on..came in through the window last night...and your gone." I am in the same situation believe me......I am staying sober and my oldman/x/whatever still sucks his glass...a lot of it is guilt on their behalf because they are too afraid to face the world sober...if they would only realize it's not that bad......

skunkape

The pain hurts bad right now but you're going to get a better return on your sobriety investment, the ability to find a woman with self respect, believe me I've been right where you are at. My sponsor told me once be careful to wish her back in your life, you might not always like what you get back.

353

Hey TB,

What I've found works the best is to practice what I preach.

When faced with a similar situation, aggravated because someone wouldn't forgive something (or things) that I'd done, the only relief I have ever found is to forgive that person.

I've come to believe that I've lived my entire life with a twisted sense of what forgiveness really is. I used to see forgiveness as a sacrifice, I'd had to give something up to benefit someone else. Today I see forgiveness as a blessing, it's true I have to give something up...a resentment. What a trade!!

In my thirty years of active alcohol and drug abuse I've hurt alot of people. Sometimes intentional, mostly not. I really feel like when I forgive....I'm really forgiving myself by understanding I am not, nor have I ever been, or will I ever be perfect. By what right do I expect perfection from others?

I do not seek forgiveness, that has been a trap for me, places me in the precarious position of thinking I'm responsible for others emotions....like I've been forgiven because of the great things I've done to "make it up" to them. In fact, people forgive because they are forgiving people, I'm not responsible for their emotions.

I offer forgiveness, sometimes quickly...sometimes not so quickly, sometimes I need to work my way through my BS and find my higher power. When I do this I feel better.

It's a solution that takes work, alot of work, but it's better than any alternative I've ever tried.

Peace

Signal30

I was going to say that we don't always get what we want just because we get sober, which is true. Then I read that she was using. I can imagine what it may be like to watch someone get sober and recovering while the other party is still using. In her eyes it may be a constant reminder that you are taking care of your life and it may force her to look at her own.

Usually in your situation one of two things happen. Either the person still using in the relationship leaves or gets sober them self.

Nothing happens in God world by mistake. Everything happens for a reason.


Tom

AW2486

I agree with Tom..

same thing happened to me. I got sober .. she didn't. we grew apart. It hurt .. It hurt bad for year. Sick to your stomach hurt. But hey I survived ..stayed away from relationships for awhile and focused on my sobriety.. Gave me a firm foundation .. One of the best things I ever did.

Tommyh

a early Congratulations on the 6 months Texas

mrhodes01

I'm not sure I'll ever get over what I did in the past; it's overwhelming to think about all I did and all I lost, and those thoughts have only led me back to booze time and time again. I always say I wish I could conjure Superman and fly around the earth in reverse fast enough to rewind time

Of course, that's impossible (at least with current technology) and wishing for it gets me nowhere. Only action in my recovery program will allow me to move forward and get past the wreckage.

I'm trying to stay in the moment and have faith that all this happened for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier, but staying sober while working through it is much better than the alternative.

Hang in there.

MR

ducks1

Hey Tex,

Same sort of issue with me. My second wife talked me into going to counseling for my drinking in the spring of 2006- I was completely sober for 3 months before a stressful moment sent me out for the vodka. Funny thing was that our relationship deteriorated while I wasn't drinking and we ended up separated in September and divorced in February of 07. Go figure.

I know now though that she was actually a mean spirited person, was mean to my 8 year old (then) son, and after the divorce I discovered she was actually not well liked by lots of other people we knew.

Good thing is that now I have the best relationship with my son (now 10) and his mother (my first wife) than I have ever had before.

Plus I am sober now for 26 days (surprising since I live alone)- just having a lot of trouble with anxiety. I wish that would pass.

Sounds to me like the girlfriend leaving was a good thing.

Texasblind

God, how did we breakup before the internet? You guys are the greatest. I love you all. Thank you.

I should mention that in the past six months I have gotten (is that a word) my life together. My student loan is out of default and all my drinking credit is being repaired.

She smokes a qp of weed a week. She tells the therapist she only does it when bored, yet we have not lived together in over a month and she's run through a pound. I only know, because her dealer is/was one of my best friends. I cut him off, and that just makes them both madder. When I get mad, I seriously think of ratting them out, but I won't do that. I could never go there, besides they both would call me for the bail money anyway.

Just writing this makes me see. **** em both. I will move on in sobriety and will meet someone who wants to have my children and wants to form some sort of life with me. I'm going through an early mid-life crisis I guess. Instead of making a family, I got drunk.

mrhodes01

For me, I have to focus on fighting my disease before I can accomplish anything else. I tend to try to repair relationships, tackle big projects, move, change jobs, etc. just at the time I need to be working a program. That's why I've been relapsing for 10 years.

I'm already freaking out about my ex-fiancee returning in a month and how that's going to go. I honestly have no idea how it will work out and I can't control it at this point, so I have to try to stay in the moment. Every time I've thought about getting back together, finally getting married, having kids, etc., I've gotten drunk, even with a pretty strong program in place. I have to recognize that if I can't get my own serenity, we haven't got a chance.

As my boy Jerry Garcia said, all good things in all good time...

angel4ever

aw tex, you will be okay just pray to your higher power to give you strength to live his will for you. If it is meant to be, it will be if not then it wasn't meant to be. I do understand however, how difficult it is since I'm going through something similiar I'm getting clean and sober and he is still using. It' a sweet misery but, we must take care of ourselves first.
peace and serenity
angel

Pinkcuda

As with most Alcoholic/Addicts it sounds like she took the most logical approach.
Blame someone else! That way, you're the bad guy and she's not. That's the way we think.
I usually try not to give advise when it comes to peoples love lives but in this case I'll make an exception.
When drugs and alcohol are part of the mix in a relationship' it's like having a threesome.
This time you broke up the threesome and she chose her true love. I think you deserve better than that.
Hang in there.

CarolD

Hmm..
I'd rather be alone than hooked up with a toxic partner.
Mega Hugs TB
and well done on your progress.

barb dwyer

****{Tex}}}

when we sober up - we change.

that's the deal.

I'm glad to read you're not looking for this as excuse to quit.
good for you!
and yes, there's others in sobriety.

WishIWasNormal

You stated everything ever so clearly. That's exactly how we live when we drink. I told my loving, christian mother off while drunk (on Christmas Day yet) and it caused her to have a stroke and she suffered brain damage and couldn't comprehend my indescribable remorse.
Consequently, she was unable to forgive me and I still pray to Jesus and ask Him to "pass the phone" to my mother to tell her how sorry I am about the 28+ years of undeserved misery which I caused her (and myself). We each do have to heal ourselves and ask God to make Himself known to the others in our lives. Both those we have hurt and those who have hurt us.

Ananda

I don't "get over" or "rid" of the past I don't think, or I don't think of it that way.

Each day as I learn to walk more skillfully through my karma (or gods will) I cease to see it as a burden, and it becomes a part of what has made me who I am today.

As I become more OK in my own skin...the past becomes a blessing instead of a curse.

(Ok....so I don't do it that well all the time, but that is what seems to happen over time and is the goal)