A little help, please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 42
A little help, please
I'm thirteen days sober and have a dilemna. I have put my husband through hell for over a year. I've been to jail for assaulting him (he is, by the way, the spitting image of that wrestler "Stone Cold Steve Autin" and I teach ballet), for public intoxication and the list goes on. I've never been a jealous person until now. I hate this. He is 43 years old with a my space page for crying out loud! He received a text message of a personal nature from an old female classmate and placed her name as "Don" rather than "Dawn" in his telephone. I'm taking anger management, doing community service, relecting on my repulsion of myself and I feel so angry. I'm not a big crier, but I feel like crying; however, anger feels more comfortable to me. I only have one friend left. We've been friends since childhood and she just endured a double mastechtomy and lives with an abusive husband. I need someone to talk to. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks in advance for your support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi and welcome,
Well done on your 13 days sober. How did you do it? Are you involved in a recovery program at all? It sounds like you've got a lot going on - try to focus on your sobriety, and believe it or not, things have a way of falling into place.
Keep talking. Others will be along to welcome you and to share their experiences.
BTW I am an alcoholic and pill addict in recovery - nearly 2 years in. It gets .. different.
Better, but different.
Well done on your 13 days sober. How did you do it? Are you involved in a recovery program at all? It sounds like you've got a lot going on - try to focus on your sobriety, and believe it or not, things have a way of falling into place.
Keep talking. Others will be along to welcome you and to share their experiences.
BTW I am an alcoholic and pill addict in recovery - nearly 2 years in. It gets .. different.
Better, but different.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
hello and welcome to SR, Snicklefritz.
yes congrats on your efforts to be sober and your 13 days in -- i hope you'll find answers to your questions and gain new friendships here in the forums as you settle yourself into recovery. it looks like you have really good reasons to want a better life. hang in there it really does work.
yes congrats on your efforts to be sober and your 13 days in -- i hope you'll find answers to your questions and gain new friendships here in the forums as you settle yourself into recovery. it looks like you have really good reasons to want a better life. hang in there it really does work.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Congratulations on the beginning of your new sober life.
.....Welcome!
Your friend certainly needs support just now
and being sober ...you are able to do that.
Hugs to both of you.
I was single when I was an acttive alcoholic
and have remained so in AA recovery.
I have no experience to share on your situation
Keep in focus...Blessings
.....Welcome! Your friend certainly needs support just now
and being sober ...you are able to do that.
Hugs to both of you.
I was single when I was an acttive alcoholic
and have remained so in AA recovery.
I have no experience to share on your situation
Keep in focus...Blessings
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
I find controlling my own behavior to be quite difficult at times.
I find controlling the behavior of someone else to be impossible MOST of the time.
People in abusive and uncomfortable relationships find the solution (control your own behavior - get out of the relationship) only IF they realize what little control (none?) they have over the other person.
Best of luck toward finding you way through this.
I find controlling the behavior of someone else to be impossible MOST of the time.
People in abusive and uncomfortable relationships find the solution (control your own behavior - get out of the relationship) only IF they realize what little control (none?) they have over the other person.
Best of luck toward finding you way through this.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
keep staying sober,and get a f2f sponsor,and get in the solution which is the steps,found in the book,Alcoholics Anonymous.That will help the anger problem.Pray for God`s will for your hubby,yourself and Dawn and leave it be.If you pray for them and your self,God will fix it in His time and in His way.You do not have the power to fix yourself or them.Let the One Who does,do it.Your anger is just a symthon of the real problem.God treats the root,and the fruits(anger,fear) of the roots disappear.
you might also get a few ladies phone numbers from this site,or f2f and talk with them in private.
Tommy
you might also get a few ladies phone numbers from this site,or f2f and talk with them in private.
Tommy
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
All that has been written before my post is very good advice. I know when I first began getting sober I thought the world should hire a band and celebrate. After all, this is one of the more difficult journeys that we embark upon in our lives. The problem is that many of those around us, both friends and family, have been enduring our behavior for much longer than our "few" days of behaving ourselves.
As was previously said, you must take care of YOUR actions right now. The rest of the world will go about their business regardless. If we begin to focus on other's "faults" then pretty soon we seem to find an excuse to take up with our old pal the bottle!
After all; I DESERVE A DRINK, look what is happening to me!! The problem with that rationale is that once again we are failing to look at the source of OUR drinking problems. As a now rather yellowed and somewhat crinkled sign pasted on my bathroom mirror says:
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM.
YOU ARE also LOOKING AT THE SOLUTION!
If you need a friend, this place is jam packed with folks just like yourself. You are certainly welcome to message me and I will respond, because I have to pay back a whole bunch of folks who let me lean on them over the past few years.
Hang in there and life will, as it always does, sort itself out.
Jon
As was previously said, you must take care of YOUR actions right now. The rest of the world will go about their business regardless. If we begin to focus on other's "faults" then pretty soon we seem to find an excuse to take up with our old pal the bottle!
After all; I DESERVE A DRINK, look what is happening to me!! The problem with that rationale is that once again we are failing to look at the source of OUR drinking problems. As a now rather yellowed and somewhat crinkled sign pasted on my bathroom mirror says:
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM.
YOU ARE also LOOKING AT THE SOLUTION!
If you need a friend, this place is jam packed with folks just like yourself. You are certainly welcome to message me and I will respond, because I have to pay back a whole bunch of folks who let me lean on them over the past few years.
Hang in there and life will, as it always does, sort itself out.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Well if your in AA...
1) Confide with your sponsor, if you don't have one, get one.
2) Read the chapter "How It Works" in the BB.
3) Page 417 in the BB fourth edition on acceptance.
4) Prayer.
5) Talk to a trusted friend in the fellowship. You should have a phone list, use it.
6) Discuss it at a meeting.
AA and other recovery programs are important because it helps you deal with life sober. All of our character defects don't just simply vanish just because we stopped drinking/using.
Tom
1) Confide with your sponsor, if you don't have one, get one.
2) Read the chapter "How It Works" in the BB.
3) Page 417 in the BB fourth edition on acceptance.
4) Prayer.
5) Talk to a trusted friend in the fellowship. You should have a phone list, use it.
6) Discuss it at a meeting.
AA and other recovery programs are important because it helps you deal with life sober. All of our character defects don't just simply vanish just because we stopped drinking/using.
Tom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Snicklefritz... COOL NAME! Congrats on the 13 days!! Well I've been through some tough relationship times as well and this poem helped me a lot, so here you go:
It’s In the Valley I Grow
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It’s then I have to remember
That it’s in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan’s loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The Mountain tops are glorious
But it’s in the valleys I grow!
It’s In the Valley I Grow
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It’s then I have to remember
That it’s in the valleys I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys I grow.
I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.
My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan’s loss.
Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.
Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The Mountain tops are glorious
But it’s in the valleys I grow!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 42
Thanks to all of you. I suppose whatever will be will be. He has made a list and contacted his old girlfriend. Well, I've said this about jobs I was fired from, "I was looking for one when I FOUND THIS ONE." Peace!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: peterborough Cambs U.K
Posts: 172
i dont blame you for feeling angry, i would ring her and give her hell! and him as well, mind you thats because i'm the really jealous type,
however dont let this get in the way of your sobriety, thats the most important thing we have, ive had a few narrow escapes with jail myself, and now i'm sober life is better than i could have imagined, i finally feel free, if my husband suddenly started contacting old girlfriends i would go mad, then i'd probably end the relationship as i cant live with some-one i dont trust 100%
however dont let this get in the way of your sobriety, thats the most important thing we have, ive had a few narrow escapes with jail myself, and now i'm sober life is better than i could have imagined, i finally feel free, if my husband suddenly started contacting old girlfriends i would go mad, then i'd probably end the relationship as i cant live with some-one i dont trust 100%
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
snickle for now focus on you and your sobriety, sobriety leads to peace............ do not try to control what you can not control, the best thing you can do right now is to stay sober. When you can be calm, sit down and talk with your husband about what is up, let him know you are working on you and let the chips fall where they may. There is a reason this gal is an old girl friend and not his wife, perhaps he will remember the reason.
The main thing for you to do is to focus on being a better sober you, this will be far more attractive to him then an angry you, or even worse an angry drunk you.
My wife and kids were getting ready to leave my drunk butt when I sobered up, anger nor begging would have kept them, what kept them was me staying sober and becoming a better person..... a better sober person, it did not happen over night, I did not drive them away over night, how could I expect to get them back over night?
Hang in there, pray, find a program of recovery and work it.
The main thing for you to do is to focus on being a better sober you, this will be far more attractive to him then an angry you, or even worse an angry drunk you.
My wife and kids were getting ready to leave my drunk butt when I sobered up, anger nor begging would have kept them, what kept them was me staying sober and becoming a better person..... a better sober person, it did not happen over night, I did not drive them away over night, how could I expect to get them back over night?
Hang in there, pray, find a program of recovery and work it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 42
Thanks, Taz. You are a breath of fresh air. I'm not considerably concerned about his cheating. There is no way to prove it, and I've not the energy to waste on it. I love him. Period. Have I put him through hell? You bet. Do I deserve him? NO WAY! Am I angry? Hell yes. Do I have a right to be? Hell no. Will I get over it? We'll see. Will he get over all the crap I've inflicted? If there truly is a God and His Son did not die in vain.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
SOunds like you are where you need to be right now, keep working on you, things will fall into place, maybe not exactly the way you thought, but in the long run, if you stay sober and working on you, things will work out for you.
Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans and the results you will get in life. Just trust that if you do what you should do, the results will be what is best for all partiens concerned.
Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans and the results you will get in life. Just trust that if you do what you should do, the results will be what is best for all partiens concerned.
As Phil Sees It (NOT)
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Hi Snicklefritz and welcome to SR. I have been around AA for many years now (wish I'd stayed sober all the trim). I got my families respect back as a direct result of tha AA fellowship, the12 step program which was freely taught me by a good good sponsor. All this gave me a Go of my understanding. Even though i slipped, when i choose to use the spiritual tools given me, life gets better again. I have been privelidged to see many families, friendships, siblings, etc have thier relationships reborn in a way that is truely wonderful.
Get into AA, get a good sponsor who works the steps and get on with living. I'm sure you're worth it.
God bless
Get into AA, get a good sponsor who works the steps and get on with living. I'm sure you're worth it.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 42
Just wanted to give an update. I feel really good today. Healthy, happy, free. I met with my probation officer who is fabulous and did not give me jail time for the PI charge. Thank you, Jesus! I can manage the rest. Psalms 33:10.
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