humble128

Hi new friends, just found this site and am counting on it for help.
i have been in and out of sobriety for 17 years, and I have no doubts I am an alcoholic, but every once in a while I just choose to have a drink! I want to feel that calm feeling for a while, and relax.
Then the next day get a little depressed, and get back to the meeting, but this has gone on so long I dont' even admit to my fellow AA members my constant relapsing because I am so sick of it and the whole thing.
If another member was always doing that and the sobriety date was always changing like mine, I might judge them and my biggest fear is being judged and looking like a ******

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

What I have learned in recovery is to not judge others and that the most important thing, every day, is honesty - with myself and with others. Try to not worry about what others will think of you and do what you need to go to stay sober.

Freedom1990

There is no critic harsher on me than me.

The truth will set you free.

Cathy31

you are fine get back to a meeting!

RobbyRobot

Hi and welcome. Don't sweat it. there are many roads to recovery, as we all know. maybe you would judge some one else for that, and then again, maybe you wouldn't. And even if you did, you'd prolly forgive and forget soon enough anyways. You may be surprised to know your prolly not the only member in history to have kept more or less silent on changing sobriety dates like you do. That happens. The fellowship is not about judging each other. we are all trying to get to the same place in the end. we all started the same way: at the start. and each day we all begin anew the same way: to get through it sober n' clean.

Our history is just that, and nothing more. Honesty with ourselves and others, as best as we can, is always a well worn path that we can gratefully follow all together.

Peace.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

That guilty secret would be keeping me
from the serenity I so enjoy.

Good to see a new member

tommyk

"...every once in a while I just choose to have a drink!"

How often is 'every once in a while' and is it really just 'a' drink?

My thinking is that if someone has one drink every 2-3 weeks I'm not sure where the problem lies. We all chase our own individual 'demons' though so my thinking doesn't count for much (if anything).

Keep coming back, keep working on your problems, you'll find lots of positive support here.

RobbyRobot

:wtf2

tommyk, your thinking is bang on and it counts, big guy, it counts. like i think what your saying here is even though we chase our own demons, we need to find where the problems lie, and get down to fixin' things up. Absolutely. After screwing around for years, i finally got it right, and the difference between doing it right sometimes, and doing it right the whole time, is like night and day. like night and day, all the way.

I like your thinking here, tommyk.
:bounce

1963comet

Want to say hey and welcome

Glad you can voice your concerns here. It is a relief to tell people problems and not feel judged. Might even be someone at your group understands.

I have learned to be humble because of my mistakes. You never know when the shoe of another can be on your foot.

lovingseren

Hi,
what you are doing is obviously not working.

It might be you need to change everything....find a program...any program...that works for you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Speaking for myself, I had more than enough shame and guilt when I was drinking, and I looked for a positive, empowering program that would "build me up".

I wish you all the very best.

Seren

353

Hi humble and welcome to SR

What does being an alcoholic mean to you?

Why do you desire to stop drinking?

These two questions I ask myself often, they help me remember where I am and where I am going.

Makes no difference what I admit to my fellow AA's if I don't believe it in my heart, I'm living a lie, and that is deadly for this alcoholic.

Peace

humble128

Thank you so much for all the wisdom, everyone. tommyk, could be 6 months, 1 year 2 years between relapses. Could be just a glass of wine, could be a bottle. Why do i know I am an alcoholic? Because I NEVER KNOW. And if I can manage it for awhile, down the line maybe tomorrow, or next month, I am going to get drunk, and maybe get behind the wheel, or something worse. Again, I have no doubts about my alcoholism. None.
I know I just need to be honest. Think I needed to hear it from everyone. I lead a good life, being real and making the right choices in every other way. This is my demon. No AA group is ever going to tell me I can't come back for relapsing!!!
Thank you.

humble128

One more thing.... I LOVE 12 step groups. I feel lucky to have AA to go to and am very grateful for the people.

22NGONE

Humble,

If it's bothering you I'd come clean to your AA brothers, they will be supportive and you will have your serenity back. My AA brothers and sisters are very sharp, I'm thinking yours probably already know your secret. Give up your "secret" at a meeting, let it go and move on with your recovery would be my advice!

John