Moving on with life
Eddie Van Halen wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Gaines, Michigan
Posts: 51
Moving on with life
Hello all -
Right now I have almost 30 days sober. Without going into a ton of details, my wife is still not living at home. We see each other all the time, hang out together, and all that stuff...it's just that she goes back to her mom's at night with the kids to sleep.
She keeps saying how she feels "homeless" and that she is sick of burdening her parents. I keep telling her to just move home but she says she's not ready yet...no trust I guess.
Fine. I can understand that.
What I CAN'T understand is one of the big ultimatums (for lack of a better word) that she has. She states that she wants 100% guarantees that I won't drink, that I won't get depressed and moody, and all that kind of stuff.
I came home last night and saw their suitcase on the floor. I called her up and asked if she was finally moving home. She said "I need to have some guarantees. I need to have someone tell me that it is OK".
What can I say to that? We all know that sobriety (and just about everything else in life) is one day at a time. I haven't drank today, and my prayer is that I don't tomorrow as well. That's what I keep telling her. I keep hearing in AA meetings that you cannot guarantee tomorrow.
But how can I - from the gut - say that these things will never, ever happen again?
Lately I have been getting frustrated and saying that if she has the attitude that she won't move back until she has iron-clad guarantees that she probably never WILL move back...because I don't know if I can.
Am I just looking for an out just in case I relapse? Am I kidding myself? Should I just tell her that she has my guarantee that it will not happen again?
I don't know what to do...
Right now I have almost 30 days sober. Without going into a ton of details, my wife is still not living at home. We see each other all the time, hang out together, and all that stuff...it's just that she goes back to her mom's at night with the kids to sleep.
She keeps saying how she feels "homeless" and that she is sick of burdening her parents. I keep telling her to just move home but she says she's not ready yet...no trust I guess.
Fine. I can understand that.
What I CAN'T understand is one of the big ultimatums (for lack of a better word) that she has. She states that she wants 100% guarantees that I won't drink, that I won't get depressed and moody, and all that kind of stuff.
I came home last night and saw their suitcase on the floor. I called her up and asked if she was finally moving home. She said "I need to have some guarantees. I need to have someone tell me that it is OK".
What can I say to that? We all know that sobriety (and just about everything else in life) is one day at a time. I haven't drank today, and my prayer is that I don't tomorrow as well. That's what I keep telling her. I keep hearing in AA meetings that you cannot guarantee tomorrow.
But how can I - from the gut - say that these things will never, ever happen again?
Lately I have been getting frustrated and saying that if she has the attitude that she won't move back until she has iron-clad guarantees that she probably never WILL move back...because I don't know if I can.
Am I just looking for an out just in case I relapse? Am I kidding myself? Should I just tell her that she has my guarantee that it will not happen again?
I don't know what to do...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Al-Anon. That's what it's for, the family and friends of alcoholics. An open meeting may be good also. I can't make that guarantee. Personally, (and PLEASE note this is strictly my opinion,) if my fiancee gave me an ultimatum like that I would say pretty much what I assume you said that I can only take one day at a time, and stay sober one day at a time. I would also possibly say that if she insists on me making that kind of guarantee, then perhaps she should look for a more permanent place to live, as well as prepare for possible future legal domestic matters for the marriage and custody. Please note that I tend to be straight forward and brutally honest. This can be looked at as a shortcoming.
For good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. I am who I am, and I happen to be an alcoholic. I have a disease that I can't make go away forever. Simply put, if I was told to make that kind of guarantee, I would say that I could not, and apologize.
There are no real guarantees in life. I guarantee that if I work the program to the best of my ability, I will be sober for the rest of my life.
However, I cannot guarantee that I will work it to the best of my ability for the rest of my life. I can only do my best to practice the principals in all my affairs today and only today. If I promise expectations for the future, it can be those very expectations that can turn into future resentments. I can already see me blaming someone I care about for my relapse, when the one at fault is myself.
Alanon meetings if she is willing to check it out.
More importantly, remember you have the tools AA has suggested to you. Confide with your sponsor and fellow members of the fellowship.
"Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst." (BB Chapter 8, To Wives.)
Tom
For good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. I am who I am, and I happen to be an alcoholic. I have a disease that I can't make go away forever. Simply put, if I was told to make that kind of guarantee, I would say that I could not, and apologize.
There are no real guarantees in life. I guarantee that if I work the program to the best of my ability, I will be sober for the rest of my life.
However, I cannot guarantee that I will work it to the best of my ability for the rest of my life. I can only do my best to practice the principals in all my affairs today and only today. If I promise expectations for the future, it can be those very expectations that can turn into future resentments. I can already see me blaming someone I care about for my relapse, when the one at fault is myself.
Alanon meetings if she is willing to check it out.
More importantly, remember you have the tools AA has suggested to you. Confide with your sponsor and fellow members of the fellowship.
"Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst." (BB Chapter 8, To Wives.)
Tom
No AA
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 259
congratulations on ur time sober -- definitely don't make light of that or put it on the back burner.
and how honest of you to even say or worry about the things you are thinking about right now. i think if you give her a guarantee you know in your heart you could be lying and i don't think it's an excuse for relapse--it's just what it is. seems to me you are just walking your path of sobriety and doing pretty great. i can understand her need for promises, but it's not realistic. as you say you can't guarantee anything in life. maybe you two should quit pushing at each other to make a move....
i don't do aa (but good for you that it's working for ya) does she go to the aa that's for families of alcoholics. that may give her some guidance or information that would be helpful. or maybe if she joined here and talked with or read posts by others who are married to alcoholics...
again i applaud your sober days
and how honest of you to even say or worry about the things you are thinking about right now. i think if you give her a guarantee you know in your heart you could be lying and i don't think it's an excuse for relapse--it's just what it is. seems to me you are just walking your path of sobriety and doing pretty great. i can understand her need for promises, but it's not realistic. as you say you can't guarantee anything in life. maybe you two should quit pushing at each other to make a move....
i don't do aa (but good for you that it's working for ya) does she go to the aa that's for families of alcoholics. that may give her some guidance or information that would be helpful. or maybe if she joined here and talked with or read posts by others who are married to alcoholics...
again i applaud your sober days
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
It has already been said about guarantees. You can promise yourself and her that you are willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober. The twelve steps as outlined in the Big Book have performed miracles for many. The road will be bumpy, I got divorced in sobriety and what I thought was going to be the end turned out to be life on lifes terms and I got through it. My relationship with my children is stronger than ever. One of them wants to live with me even. Here is a suggestion (OK a few):
1. Go to meetings
2. Interview potential sponsors ( and I do mean interview, this is life or death!)
a. Did you work the steps out of the Big Book?
b. Are you recovered from alcoholism? How do you know?
c. Are there more promises than the ones they read in the meetings?
d. How long do I have to wait to get this thing? ( trick question, the answer should
be you don't have to wait)
I strongly suggest getting a sponsor who has worked the steps out of the big book. And the questions I gave you will give you some indication. Run away from the sit down and shut up crowd, run farther away from the just don't drink and go to meetings people. Seek out a recovered alcoholic, they have answers to your drinking problem. If you do that, your chances of having a happy marriage are greatly improved
1. Go to meetings
2. Interview potential sponsors ( and I do mean interview, this is life or death!)
a. Did you work the steps out of the Big Book?
b. Are you recovered from alcoholism? How do you know?
c. Are there more promises than the ones they read in the meetings?
d. How long do I have to wait to get this thing? ( trick question, the answer should
be you don't have to wait)
I strongly suggest getting a sponsor who has worked the steps out of the big book. And the questions I gave you will give you some indication. Run away from the sit down and shut up crowd, run farther away from the just don't drink and go to meetings people. Seek out a recovered alcoholic, they have answers to your drinking problem. If you do that, your chances of having a happy marriage are greatly improved
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
There is no gaurantee that you won't drink again - right?
So don't make a promise (gaurantee) that points to the 'unknown' - it can only lead to more harm down the road.
I think the Al Anon suggestion for your wife is great - if she is willing. She can certainly meet some people who have been in the exact same situation.
But this is about YOU - what Navy has posted above is spot on.
Get recovered - you won't have to worry about drinking. The new you will be more than just words saying "I gaurantee I won't drink again" - it will radiate from you, words won't be necessary.
~a
So don't make a promise (gaurantee) that points to the 'unknown' - it can only lead to more harm down the road.
I think the Al Anon suggestion for your wife is great - if she is willing. She can certainly meet some people who have been in the exact same situation.
But this is about YOU - what Navy has posted above is spot on.
Get recovered - you won't have to worry about drinking. The new you will be more than just words saying "I gaurantee I won't drink again" - it will radiate from you, words won't be necessary.
~a
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Excellent work on those 30 days; one day at a time. Getting angry and frustrated over what your family will or will not do is a mistake in my opinion. Turn it over to your Higher Power and commence the action necessary to recover. The ball is in your court to recover, not your families and whether your Wife decides or not to go to Alanon is really none of your business. Your business should be about your recovery and the actions necessary to insure the same.
From Adam, "Get recovered - you won't have to worry about drinking. The new you will be more than just words saying "I gaurantee I won't drink again" - it will radiate from you, words won't be necessary."
From Steve,
1. Go to regular meetings; Get a Home Group
2. Interview potential sponsors ( and I do mean interview, this is life or death!) Get a Sponsor!
a. Are you working the steps out of the Big Book?
These are some of the things that lead to a new life; one you are recovered, you never have to worry about the drink again.
Chapter Eight of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is entitled, To the Wives. Why not read it together? Get your Wife a copy of the book to read along with.
"Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over Alcohol". BB of AA First Edition
From Adam, "Get recovered - you won't have to worry about drinking. The new you will be more than just words saying "I gaurantee I won't drink again" - it will radiate from you, words won't be necessary."
From Steve,
1. Go to regular meetings; Get a Home Group
2. Interview potential sponsors ( and I do mean interview, this is life or death!) Get a Sponsor!
a. Are you working the steps out of the Big Book?
These are some of the things that lead to a new life; one you are recovered, you never have to worry about the drink again.
Chapter Eight of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is entitled, To the Wives. Why not read it together? Get your Wife a copy of the book to read along with.
"Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over Alcohol". BB of AA First Edition
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Hello,
Well first I would say consider yourself lucky that she's willing to come back. You could burn that bridge and give her what she wants, but then that could set you up in the long run for a resentment/failure. I would suggest a compromise, tell her you are committed to your sobriety and to making it work with all of your heart, tell her about your program and tell her about Al-Anon. Tell her you cannot guarantee your sobriety out of fairness to the both of you, but that if you were to relapse she'd be free to make her decision about your relationship at that time.
This may be easy for me to say, may not even be right, but hey, my wife left and never looked back, at least yours is telling you how she feels and is looking for reassurance.
John
Well first I would say consider yourself lucky that she's willing to come back. You could burn that bridge and give her what she wants, but then that could set you up in the long run for a resentment/failure. I would suggest a compromise, tell her you are committed to your sobriety and to making it work with all of your heart, tell her about your program and tell her about Al-Anon. Tell her you cannot guarantee your sobriety out of fairness to the both of you, but that if you were to relapse she'd be free to make her decision about your relationship at that time.
This may be easy for me to say, may not even be right, but hey, my wife left and never looked back, at least yours is telling you how she feels and is looking for reassurance.
John
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Great advice here!
I also agree that she should go to Al-Anon and get some support.
Maybe she could also sit down and talk to you and your sponsor, if you have one. If not, get one!!
Congrats!!
I also agree that she should go to Al-Anon and get some support.
Maybe she could also sit down and talk to you and your sponsor, if you have one. If not, get one!!
Congrats!!
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
After reading then re-reading your post I was left with some questions that perhaps you can ask yourself and by doing so it just may give you some insight into your wife's viewpoint. Before I raise those questions, please accept my heart felt congratulations on the "almost" 30 days. Every one of those days is difficult and it does get easier the more we work the program and the longer we don't drink.
That being said, here are my questions that I in no way am asking you to answer for me, but simply to yourself.
1. How many times have you tried to stop after announcing to your wife you were doing
so?
2. If there have been previous attempts and they in fact failed (obviously I don't know
if there have been others) were you actively working a program of some sort?
3. Is there anything about THIS time that is markedly different?
The reason I ask this is because based on my own experience I was ecstatic when I quit after my then live-in lady had asked me to quit many many times before. I was SURE that this time it WAS DIFFERENT and in fact turned out to be at least so far some 9 years later. The problem was she DIDN'T know that it was, and I couldn't take her on a tour of my mind. Long story short, we broke up after about the first 90 days of sobriety because she wanted an absolute guarantee that it was over. I couldn't give her that and as time went by I began to see her side of the question. I didn't understand her viewpoint at the time however.
My point being that you may have to accept the fact that her request, while we know it is impossible to honor, has a great deal of basis in fact for her. That is IF YOU HAVE TRIED AND FAILED in the past. No amount of assurance will overcome the fear of "one more time" no matter how much she may want to believe you. There is a passage that we use all the time in AA about the farmer who comes out of the cellar after a huge wind storm has decimated his farm and tells the wife "look mom ain't it great the wind quit blowing!" All the time he is oblivious to the havoc all around him. We see our recovery and with good reason we assume all around us know that "this time it is for real" and hopefully it is, but we need to try and understand the skeptic who "has seen this play before!"
Like previous folks on this thread, I suggest you may want to sit with her and assure her that you do understand the questions she has, and perhaps you can set some time table that will allow you to ease back into your new life together. As said by others, your actions and attendance of meetings and pursuit of a rigorous program will speak much louder than all the assurances you might make.
We don't destroy a marriage in 30 days; the repair work may be just as gradual. I am only sharing my experience and it may not apply in your case, but regardless I want to extend my good wishes and again, everyday is one more on the road to recovery.
Jon
That being said, here are my questions that I in no way am asking you to answer for me, but simply to yourself.
1. How many times have you tried to stop after announcing to your wife you were doing
so?
2. If there have been previous attempts and they in fact failed (obviously I don't know
if there have been others) were you actively working a program of some sort?
3. Is there anything about THIS time that is markedly different?
The reason I ask this is because based on my own experience I was ecstatic when I quit after my then live-in lady had asked me to quit many many times before. I was SURE that this time it WAS DIFFERENT and in fact turned out to be at least so far some 9 years later. The problem was she DIDN'T know that it was, and I couldn't take her on a tour of my mind. Long story short, we broke up after about the first 90 days of sobriety because she wanted an absolute guarantee that it was over. I couldn't give her that and as time went by I began to see her side of the question. I didn't understand her viewpoint at the time however.
My point being that you may have to accept the fact that her request, while we know it is impossible to honor, has a great deal of basis in fact for her. That is IF YOU HAVE TRIED AND FAILED in the past. No amount of assurance will overcome the fear of "one more time" no matter how much she may want to believe you. There is a passage that we use all the time in AA about the farmer who comes out of the cellar after a huge wind storm has decimated his farm and tells the wife "look mom ain't it great the wind quit blowing!" All the time he is oblivious to the havoc all around him. We see our recovery and with good reason we assume all around us know that "this time it is for real" and hopefully it is, but we need to try and understand the skeptic who "has seen this play before!"
Like previous folks on this thread, I suggest you may want to sit with her and assure her that you do understand the questions she has, and perhaps you can set some time table that will allow you to ease back into your new life together. As said by others, your actions and attendance of meetings and pursuit of a rigorous program will speak much louder than all the assurances you might make.
We don't destroy a marriage in 30 days; the repair work may be just as gradual. I am only sharing my experience and it may not apply in your case, but regardless I want to extend my good wishes and again, everyday is one more on the road to recovery.
Jon
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
jjaaam you have recieved some excellent words of wisdom, I was fortunant, my wife did not demand a gauruntee, she agreed to stick around and "See"!!!! I had told her at least a thousands times before I was going to stop drinking or cut back and always wound up drunk once again.
It had been years since she had seen me totally sober, heck she would even compliment me when I had not been fall down drunk for a week..... what she did not know was I was incapable of getting drunk most of the time. It was my final year of drinking when my tolerance had gone haywire that pushed her right to the brink, I could not stop drinking and I had no idea if just 5-6 beers would have me slurring my speech or if I could drink all day long and not even get a buzz!
My wife took a stand back and wait and see with me, she did not even think about telling me I was doing okay until I had about 2 months sober.
You may want to just tell her the only thing you can promise is that you will do your best to stay sober for that day and that you are working hard at a program that improves your chances of staying sober and becoming a better person.
Suggest she go to Alanon and speak to othe spouses of recovered alcoholics.
It had been years since she had seen me totally sober, heck she would even compliment me when I had not been fall down drunk for a week..... what she did not know was I was incapable of getting drunk most of the time. It was my final year of drinking when my tolerance had gone haywire that pushed her right to the brink, I could not stop drinking and I had no idea if just 5-6 beers would have me slurring my speech or if I could drink all day long and not even get a buzz!
My wife took a stand back and wait and see with me, she did not even think about telling me I was doing okay until I had about 2 months sober.
You may want to just tell her the only thing you can promise is that you will do your best to stay sober for that day and that you are working hard at a program that improves your chances of staying sober and becoming a better person.
Suggest she go to Alanon and speak to othe spouses of recovered alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Chances are that the dynamics of the relationship will change now that drinking is not the third wheel. Maybe some r'ship counselling with an AA savvy counsellor might be a first step.
I agree with talking about it with your AA friends. Others will have experienced the same thing.
I agree with talking about it with your AA friends. Others will have experienced the same thing.
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