Stormy1119

3 yrs ago today I was raped. I've been doing sooo good lately but just knowing that today is the 3rd anniversary is just making me insane. I've been fighting the urge to get blasted all day today so I just can forget it all today.

I havent' even gotten my 30 day chip yet.. but I dont' want to have to start back at day 1 either.

Just 2.5 hrs til the stores close down beer sales. I can make it, I think.

Rowan

Coming here and telling on yourself was a good idea. Drinking will not improve the situation, but it will make it worse - you know this.
I was sexually assaulted many years ago - more than once. I understand the horrors of reliving such an experience. It took several years in recovery before I could do any work around it. It's a lot better now, and the memories don't threaten my sobriety.
Allow yourself to grieve over what happened. I understand that you want to stop the pain - but the best way through pain is through it if you know what I mean.
Hang in there - you're doing great.

TTOSBT

Stormy, you are doing great!
Keep talking, the day is almost over

serenityqueen

Well, you know what you need to do, continue to share with us until that magic hour hits for starters. Shows a determined person to come on here, put that out and ask for help. Pat yourself on the back for that.

I was just emailing a dear friend of mine in Recovery also who has many issues surrounding sexual abuse and rape. I'll give you my same thoughts that I shared with her. In order to let go of this pain, you need to face the feelings head on and work through them to prevent them from haunting you for the rest of your life.

I'd also like to suggest doing something for yourself this evening. Whether it be now or after the stores close and you feel "safe," take a long, hot bubble bath. I know with it being 100 degrees outside and humid that may not sound too great but do something to pamper yourself this evening. I make it a point to take one night a week to pamper myself with a facial, deep condition my hair . . . You're worth the special treatment.

Hang in there, we're all here for you not just tonight but everyday.

God Bless,
Judy

Stormy1119

Thanks y'all. I'm still here, just reading various post on the board.

Advice that was spoken today in my meeting was to play the tape all the way through, so to speak. Its really easy to play the tape of my drinking in my head up until the point where the drinking makes me feel good.. but I'm trying to play it all the way through and remember and think about what comes after those 3 beers that get me feeling good... the 9 more... the remorse, the anger, the hangover, and the shame. Its easy to tell myself I'll stop after a couple when I get to feeling good. But I know I won't stop at a couple b/c I'm an alcoholic. And I know if I drink tonight I'll regret it tomorrow.

2 more hours til today is over... I can make it.

Rowan

Yup - you can make it. We are behind you all the way.

CarolD

Prayer helps me immensley when I am disturbed.
Mega

TTOSBT

That has been a good thing for me Stormy!
Whenever I think about whether I want a drink, I stop and ask myself if I want to be drunk cause I KNOW that is what will happen if I pick up the first one!

Sugah

Stormy, I used to act in all sorts of self-destructive ways to drown out painful memories. Somewhere along the line, I recognized something intellectually, but it wasn't until I was in recovery that I believed it in my heart. I realized that harming myself in response to a painful past was like granting my abusers power in my present. I remember the relief when I didn't have to carry that pain anymore. You'll get there, too - and in the meantime, while you're chemically clean and can think it through, remember that today is a precious gift. It is your day, sister. Do your best to claim it for yourself - not surrender it to the past.

If you haven't received counseling, perhaps now is the time to start. If you have, perhaps you should seek it again. As Judy said, these feelings need to be dealt with if you want to be free. Although I used the steps to ultimately free myself, it was with ten years of counseling and therapy under my belt. It didn't do me much good while I was still drinking and using, but much of it came back to me as I worked my steps.

I'll say a prayer for you, Stormy, that the clouds move swiftly.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Ananda

yep...i was gonna say i had to deal with sexual abuse that happened a number of times from differentt people. I remember that for a while I stayed sober just because i would be d*med if they were gonna harm me again by my reliving the memory and drinking...staying sober to show them wasn't a long term solution, but did get me through some rough times and helped me to get to the help i needed in order to really work on a permenant solution that included joy and happiness.

I'm glad you posted here....it helps me.

angel4ever

stormy, I hope you will be okay tonight and it's good that you have the desire to not drink. It's scary to think you might re-lapse but like sugah said don't grant him the power. Tomorrow the fog of today will clear take it in one more day at a time. we are with you sending you good energie...

Stormy1119

Thank you all.

Sugah, I never received counseling. The whole situation was not handle like it should have been when I went to the hospital. The sexual assualt response team wasn't called like they are supposed to be, I have a major resentment over that. THe police did come, but the ******* never even spent a night in jail b/c of who his family is in my town. Counseling would probably be a good thing, but we don't have any free programs in the area and I am broke and jobless at the moment, so unable to afford counseling. Most days now I don't even think about it... but I know there are a lot of underlying issues from it that I'm sure will come out when I start doing step work.

One more hour... but the urge is pretty much gone now. I think I'm going to lay in bed with my doggie and read some of the big book.

TigerLili

Hang in there Stormy.

Tazman53

Stormy I pray that you made it through the night, I have never experienced what you have been through, but I am glad that others have been able to support you that have.

Have you considered going to social services to see if you could get into some type of therapy? I know in Va. Social Services gets help for people in your situation.

PupMum

Stormy I have no experience or expertise re the &^%$ you have gone through but sending you hugs galore.
There is a lovely Maori saying "Kia Kaha" Stand/Stay strong

Cheers
Pups:ghug3

PupMum

And just read that you had a dog...(or a man called dogie...in which case ignore this) so have instructed my boys to send canine vibes your dogs way and help him/her look after you.

Licks and jumps from pupMums Pups

Stormy1119

Thanks everyone!! I made it through the night and it feels sooo good. I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it yesterday. Special thanks to the 2 people who PMed me, I will look into the links given and try to find counseling in my area.