thrownasunder

So far ive been reading a lot of positive posts about this place, so I am hoping at least to get something out of it. I am pretty sure over the last year ive some how slipped from abusing alcohol often to dependence on alcohol. I was working two jobs and raising my daughter and drank nearly every night, most often to the point of complete drunkeness....but of course going to work and functioning....co workers noticed that I could drink way to much with out seeming drunk, which leads me to believe I am probably dependent. After I cut down on my stress levels my drinking tapered off but now its creeping back up on me over the last couple weeks again. (and by tapered off I mean a three week dry spell). It scares me that I cannot control my cravings for alcohol. I have invited chat friends over to my house when drunk just so they could bring me more booze as id run out. I also had sex with them and have three sex partners now thanks to booze, it would probably be way more if I actually drank with people and not myself as I prefer to drink alone for damage control, and i use it as a way to relax and excape my boring meaningless life.

Ive vowed to cut off alcohol a couple times after I saw the danger I was putting myself and my daughter into and have not been able too! I drank two bottles of wine last night and am still craving a drink today. I dont know how to stop, I feel im just incapable of coping with this world. I hate everything, im so bitter and angry and depressed that I often think of killing myself. I know I need help but dont want to go to aa. I would just like to connect with people who can understand this.

ruch

Welcome to SR. You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. Keep posting here. I may not be the best person to help you being that I am very new to recovery myself. But I'd be glad to give you a kind ear to talk to.

There are many knowledgable people on this site with lots of great advise. Stick around.

miss communicat

Welcome to SR!

You have found a great resource in getting help, information and support for your drinking dilemma.

I suggest you consider medical support if you plan to detox (withdraw from alcohol) and become 100% alcohol free, as there may be underlying health issues to be aware of with your doc. Having done that, also a very important (essential) thing to think about is how to STAY stopped.

It will likely involve change in all areas of your being: thinking process, social life, and personal life. Thats why AA offers a complete program of recovery which is ongoing. Its not the only program, there are others. I hope you find one now and continue to share with us how you are doing.

Good luck!

Rowan

Hi and welcome.

I drank like you did. Alone, for damage control. I, too, would invite people over if they had booze. Sometimes, I had sex with them. I was raising two young daughters - thank God they were at their fathers at the time.

I contemplated suicide often - and attempted it more than once.

I find it interesting that you wish to connect with others, but are reluctant to go to AA.
AA is what helped me to connect with others. I NEED other people in my life today. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your drinking, and have him/her look into resources in your community to assist you as you seek sobriety and recovery.

Please stick around and keep sharing. We do care.

CarolD

Welcome!....
I did read your other posts
and I am glad you started your own thread.
That's good...

I too think it's wise to have a supervised de tox
as you have a toddler at home and it may
be you will be too ill to watch your child.

I see you have already been to a re hab and to
AA. Sooo...there are other methods
Please click the link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

I am so sorry to see you are having to deal with this.
You and your child deserve happiness and serenity.

Keep in touch with us...we do understand
Blessings to both of you...

SalesGuy

Throw...

You sound like myself in a lot of ways. In that, you prefer to drink alone. I am not sure when and where, but I made the transition to social drinker, to social drunk, to isolated alcoholic over a period of years. I too enjoy to drink alone versus in the company of others. It's just easier to conceal, less costly than going to bars and no DUIs to worry about.

But when you drink alone, grave thoughts enter your mind, just as you indicated. Don't let the fact that you currently do NOT drink every night fool you. My friend, drinking every night is right around the corner. It's the progression of alcoholism and its the next stage unless you quit very soon. Soon, the 5-10 beers you alluded to in another thread will merely serve as a primer for the harder stuff.

I too was leary about AA. But now that I have gone for a full week, I see its merits. When you go, it's alomost like a weight is off your back. You'll be suprised when you go, and announce its your first day, how many people will come up to you. After all, "new drunks" is what keeps AA fresh and meaningful for those who have been sober for a while. Helping us newcomers also helps them. It reciprocates itself.

Try going to several different meetings in your area. There are probably 5 meetings a day within 5 miles of where you live, so "I don't have time" does not apply. I have seen them as early as 6:30am and as late as 10:00pm. Use the internet to find them.

I have already met a couple guys I consider friends. And I have been reserved in these meetings. Once I get more outgoing I will meet more people.

I am where you are right now. Isolated, alone and an abuser of alcohol. Give AA a try. I did. Go to at least three different meetings before you make a decision on AA. I gave up on AA a month ago because I did not like the meeting. Turns out, it was just not the venue for me. I found a couple other places I really enjoy this time around.

thrownasunder

Thank you all for your support, and thank you carol for that link, I will certainly check it out. I am not only apprehensive about aa, I am a single mom of a toddler with no friends, I do not like asking people for help and am pretty much a loner so finding child care for my daughter so I can go to aa is more then difficult, my ex does take her on weekends for one day so I suppose if I was so inclined I could try to go when he has her ...ill try that link and if that doesnt work ill drag my butt to a meeting. Just to even meet people I can call when I feel like I gotta get wasted.

I also find it very reassuing that you rowan were just as desperate for more booze as I was so at least you can understand the compulsion. Thanks for sharing.