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Why Do I do it?

Old 07-15-2003, 10:01 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Re: Day 8

Originally posted by Csmcjewl

snip
Sigh, but....the only morning meeting tomarrow is at 6:30am....yeah, too early!

snip

I know the drink is coming soon if I don't do something about the current situation. Maybe I will get up and go tomarrow. I need it. Tomarrow is day 9...and it feels damn good.
I like 6:30 a.m. a lot more than I did when I was drinking. It's really a very pretty time of day, especially when we're getting to 100F during the afternoons here.

"I know the drink is coming soon if I don't do something...."
Why? What would the trigger be? How will you plan to prevent it?
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Old 07-16-2003, 12:02 PM
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another day...no job.

Don,
Well, 6:30am is still pretty early to me, drinking or not. If I had a morning job or something that would be different but...I'm a night person by nature so...nighttime is really my prime time. After the sun goes down, and that's not just because of drinking. I've always been that way. I like the night time air and the non-blinding sunshine. Just the mystery and darkness of night that you can either just enjoy or lose yourself in it. It just suits me better. Maybe someday daytime will be my thing but....not right now. I'm too screwed up to fully face the world. I like to be out when everyone else is in bed. I did however end up getting up and driving out to the meeting this morning. It was good...there weren't alot of people there and I was the youngest one. It was good and bad because everyone was looking at me like they wanted to help me. I didn't talk, although I came close...I just didn't know what to say. I have so much to say I can't sort through it to get one issue out because it will lead into another, ya know? Well, after the meeting I did start talking to this one guy I hadn't seen. I just made some comment like...Sigh...I was gonna talk too! It ended up him and this other guy that I see at meetings all the time went outside with me and we stood there talking for 2 hours! I rambled and rambled and rambled. And ya know, I don't know if I'll ever talk to him again but just to be able to get all that out was great. We didn't like..make a...Your my new best friend bond but they listened to me and I listened to them. I just couldn't stop. Finally 2 hours after the meeting was over I left and came home to an angry b/f. He was angry at my dog because we can't seem to get him pottytrained. Sigh....but, I talked to him and I think my bubbly cheerfulness wore off. He was smiling by the time he left for work. I explained my problem of having Jennie go to the meetings with me, I explained aaron. They both knew who he was before I even said his name. So, it was really good. I told them I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it this time although I really want to but I did explain that I know why I was failing is because I was ignoring the steps and just trying to reach a goal. Ya know? 30 days...but I didn't want to do any of the work. And Don, my trigger is really anything specific....it's kinda just there ya know? Like, normally I would've failed by now so it's like inside I'm kinda on edge all the time. Taking Jennie with me has been really bad for me because I only get like 1/2 the benifit of the meetings at best. I know, just don't take her...well, she calls me up and she know's I'm going to a meeting and just kinda waits and waits till I invite her. I can't just be like..well, you don't help me, so you can't come. I mean...she says she's addicted to pot...I'm not so sure about that...I've seen her decline it no problem and go without it without even trying but, who am I to judge? So, I don't want to say..you can't come because she claims she's stopping so...ya know? But at the same time when she's like....i'm so bored, I'm sick of doing this attitude...that doesn't help me. I mean, she does it everytime and now she's getting to that point again that she's like...I'm sick of meetings, let's go get drunk. It's always been then that I fail...and I can't do that. It's at that point though that I need to make that stand, that's why it makes me nervous and taking her with me to the meetings has been really bad because I can't be open. I mean....I tend to put on faces around people and I do around Jennie, she doesn't see my true feelings and i dont' see hers. That's just how it is. My real problem is that I'm a people pleaser, I just don't say no. I've never been good at it and I know it's something I need to work on. It's a touchy situation because...I don't know...Jennie calls me and I feel kinda pressured almost to invite her. She know's where I'm going..she calls me and just waits for me to invite her. If I don't I'm sure she'd invite herself or try to get me to drink. What I need to do is just get her out of my life. She is bad for me. I mean, I can't go to meetings and be like..well, my problem right now is sitting right next to me. Here everyone, when I fail...it's with this person...oh, right here! ya know? It's just a touchy situation. I know that eventaully she will fall back out of my life as she has done in the past. Once she get's over her...I'm staying away from my drinking buddies sindrome. (She's mad at them right now) She'll stop calling me and that'll be it. But, I don't feel it's right for me to put my sobriety on hold until that happens, which is something I would've previously done. It would've been the latest excuse. I'm not letting that happen this time but...at the same time..I'm not sure how to do things otherwise. I'm still learning. Wow....the phone just rang and it was the temp. agency I applied at. Looks like I'm going to be working again! Sigh...I'm not that excited because I'm going to hate the job but....I guess it's a job right? 7-3pm. Not too shabby except that my b/f works from 3-11pm. hehe....we'll like, NEVER see each other. Sigh, gotta do it though right? It's a packaging company. I'm kinda scared actually. It's a really warm env. You wear safety glasses and earplugs. Assembly work. I've never done anything like that. I always get scared about new environments. I guess that'll just push me even more to get a different job eh? Sigh...this will be good. See, I'm all stressed out now. I can still hit meetings every night. This will be ok. I'll see my b/f on the weekends and we can email each other all night. aagggghhh...the world is catching up with me. Why couldn't I just get a normal job? I'm going to be doing assembly work for 8 hours a day! Ug! It's a paycheck, it's a paycheck. Learning experience, I'll just keep telling myself that. Ok...well, that's the issue at hand right now. No more noon meeting on Friday or Monday's I guess. I really like that one too. This will be good for my sobriety. New job. More responsibility. Sigh....still nervous. I hate starting new things...I hate change. Anyways, I'm rambling my scared little thoughts. Sober for today....day 9.
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Old 07-16-2003, 01:31 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Stacey,

Just wanna say I'm proud of you and your 9 days, I have read through these posts and your strength is so great! I know your struggling, but wow your doing it girl! You should be very proud of yourself. Keep it up one day at a time and before you know it you WILL hit your 30 day goal! (But we won't let you stop there )

Keep up the hard work! Your doing it!
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Old 07-17-2003, 03:51 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Morning

Stacey....

Way To Go!! Congratulations on Day 9!! :okay:
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Old 07-17-2003, 05:18 AM
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Day 10

Well, it's 8am and this day has already been trying on me. I got up at 6am this morning and went to my new job. To start, there were only 2 girls there and they both hated me, I could tell. They were redneck hicks and here I am in my Aeropostale shirt. They asked where I was from and I said Midland and they actually snorted! (Midland is known for being stuck up, I'm not though!!) And then no one trained me really, just this kid that was at the machine next to me sort of showed me what to do and then said everything that I did wrong (crinkle the tape a little bit) I was going to get yelled at. Then the plastic thingies I was stacking irritated my skin to no end. (I have really sensitive skin) and I was sweating like a pig by 7:30am! I don't know....everything just kinda built up. Then we were supposed to take these boxes and stack them 5 high but they were so heavy I couldn't even lift them!! I just couldn't do it! I know I know...ask for help but...who ya know? Everyone had their own machines and everyone was busy doing their own thing. I just kept thinking....I didn't go to school for 6 years for this. I'm working with a bunch of hicks that had already discussed drugs before work. I just couldn't do it. I asked to use the restroom and took off. Not the most responsible thing I've done in my life but...I didn't really know what else to do. First of all, my sobriety was in jeapardy. I haven't learned to control days like that ya know? When ya get out of a loooooong day of work like that. I've always gotten a beer, I guess I just kinda freaked. Sigh....I don't know what to do. I'm not proud of what I did but with my skin all broken out the way it was, there wasn't much else I could do. Sigh...well, it's only 8am and I already feel like I've been awake for hours......let's hope I make it through today....I need to chill out though...I'm not in the best of spirits or mood's right now....I'm going to go read the big book and maybe hit the 10am meeting....
Stacey
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Old 07-17-2003, 10:34 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Stacey,

Well that WAS a crappy way to start your day!
Must not be meant to be, be strong today, don't pick up that drink, avoid all temptations and no excuses, no drinking today!

Will check back with you later!
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Old 07-17-2003, 12:07 PM
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Have you ever been diagnosed or thought to have ADD/ADHD? Untreated adult ADD can be very devestating, people with ADD are at greater risk for illegal drug use and alcohol/drug addiction, about 80% of all sufferers untreated have abused alcohol or drugs. I was just wondering because from all your posts I have noticed a lot of me in them. You are quick to do things you know wrong with your friends although you don't want to in your mind. Impulsions are a major part of ADD. You also seem to have some problems thinking things out and acting upon first thought. Do you find it hard to stick with what you are doing? Find it hard not to be constantly doing something, just sitting around the house? Hard to live within the moment, always planning on what you will be doing? Fiddgety? Hard to pay attention? Find yourself following more than leading? Giving in? Thoughts jump very consistently, can't stay put with one for a significant period of time?

Before being treated for my ADD, I was never able to stop abusing drugs and alcohol because I had to be always doing something exciting, my mind could never concentrate on one thing and I could never stay with one thought, it made me depressed and fidgety. I was always bored with what I was doing. I never realized it to be a chemical imbalance. Just recently they found out just how bad this disorder can be untreated. People with ADD have an under-stimulation in their brains which makes it hard for us to really enjoy anything we are doing and stick with it. Jumping from one thing to the next, getting ourself into trouble by using drugs since they stimulate us, something exciting. I was just wondering if anyone in your family, your past teachers, peers, family doctor, have ever brought this up because believe it or not, I never got sober until I was put on medication for ADD. I finally enjoy life and really can get into what I am doing.
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Old 07-17-2003, 12:35 PM
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Hrm....

Hrm....No....No one in my family has ADD. I don't know...I've never really thought about it. I do fidget a lot but I don't really have a problem just sitting down and doing one thing for very long periods of time (watching movies). So, I"m not sure....I think i'm just not really content with where I am in my life right now so I tend to be impulsive just looking to spice up my life. I mean, I don't even have a job...I sit around the house All day with nothing to do, nowhere to go but the morning meeting and the evening meeting. And...this morning was pretty crappy. My b/f said he understands though, I was in a pretty bad mood...I just came home and started crying on his shoulder though out of frusteration ya know? I finally get a job and then had to quit right away. But, on the good side...I do have an interview at Kohls next Wed. So...I'm pretty confident about that. I worked at Meijer for about 2 years, I've worked in a gas statoin and the video store so, tons of customer service jobs. Not that I really enjoy them, but....I like it better than working with food or something and I don't seem to be having much luck other tahn that so.... So, things are looking up. I went to the 10am meeting this morning and it was good but not quite what I was looking for ya know? So, I was still kinda outta sorts when I came home but...now that my b/f isn't upset at me (I was pretty worried he was going to be, he was really glad I finally got a job) and I have another interview lined up, tons of resume's out and time to sit down and relax, I'm doing a lot better. There's this girl at the meetings actually that drives me nuts. She's about my age, really really tan (Trust me, it's important), and from what she's said...has this sucky b/f that tries to get her to drink and a daughter. Well, thing is...she lives with him, he's paying the bills and must be paying for her daughter and I happened to notice a pack of ciggarettes in her purse this morning (wonder who paid for those?) but...I guess ya know, it's just that she keeps coming to the meetings whining without doing anything. And yOu've got to wonder who is supplying her with the ciggarettes? Who's feeding her baby ya know? It must be the sucky b/f. Thing is...I see myself in this girl but I don't like her at the same time ya know? Like, I understand that her life is chaotic and crazy and she doesn't know how to change it but then again, she's always so melodramatic at the meetings...crying her eyes out one second and laughing harder than anyone there the next. She's one of those clicky chicks. I guess, that just annoys me because it creates conflict for me ya know? She's constantly trying to buddy buddy with people in the program but she's only got 30 days sober and I kinda gotta wonder if she's just doing that to keep herself sober like, she always says she's doing it for the program. Shouldn't she be doing it for herself? I don't know..just some of the things she says makes me wonder but...yeah, so she did the crying/laughing thing this morning and last night she was laughing and I was laughing and she tried to do the eye contact "look, we're laughing together like we're friends" thing. I guess maybe I'm just too anti-social for superficial relationships, I don't know. Just something about watching her try to be everyone's best friend bugs me. I'm really shy and she's very confident, maybe it's just a conflict of interests. Who know's...but....the past couple of meetings that she's at I just want to smack her sometimes. Is that bad of me to say? hehe...I'm trying to just let it go because I know we're all going through the same thing here. I know it's hard so...i don't judge too much. Anyways, I'm rambled enough. Tonight's meeting should certainly be better, I'm going to try out a new one. In better spirits now and I'm not going to drink. It scared me how close to it I came though, just driving home high on an adrenilin rush....it was close but I'm really glad I didn't. It just tells me I need to hit the books more and hit more meetings....keep my mind on what matters.
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Old 07-17-2003, 02:05 PM
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Glad you made it to the meeting and are staying on track! Good for you. As for the girl in the meeting... well no one says you have to like everyone you meet, but do keep in mind she has her own issues and is achieving sobriety in her own way, this is where we all need to be understanding, compassionate and remain part of the fellowship. Some people tend to rub us the wrong way and it won't help your sobriety by dwelling on it. Let it go.

Just remember you are at those meetings for YOU! To heck with what goes on with anyone else, even though we feel bad for others, we can be compassionate and understanding yet it's always important to remember number one!
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Old 07-17-2003, 07:59 PM
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I agree....

I totally agree. I went to the meeting tonight (with Jennie..sigh) and she was there. She seems to be chilling at least a little. I mean, I do feel for her, I know it's not easy. I think I was just in a bad mood this morning. I do feel a lot better. Jennie seems to be laying off and realizing that I'm serious about being sober. I don't really even mind her going because the pressure afterwards seems to be off. I've got such a streak of going to the meetings going now that I feel like I've got a pattern that she doesn't seem to mind that I don't break. She calls...I go..wanna go to the meeting with me? And she says sure, I'll be over. So, things are definitly better there. The only problem with going is that I still tend to isolate when she's there but since I've been reaching out in the morning meetings...well, at .....well, Ok. I've had one converation..hehe. Anyways, people are really getting to at least know my face and they obviously know I'm trying if they see me so much and they seem to be more open to me. It seems like the old timers can tell when it's working for someone and when it's not. I get that impression anyways. Aaron was at the meeting tonight. I almost feel bad for him because he is going to court tomarrow for walking out of couseling and breaking probation. They want to give him teather and I guess he doesn't want to do that, he'd rather go to jail. So, he talks tonight...tells everyone thank you but I'm going to jail tomarrow morning and it was nice knowing you. Then goes off about his lawyer and how much he sucks. I didn't quite understand. I mean, even with only 10 days sober I can almost see from the outside looking in that he's not sober ya know? Even without knowing that he still drinks everyday, I could tell just with his wording. I felt bad and he asked me to go to his trial tomarrow at 9am. I'm kinda mixed because first, it involves me getting up really early which I know he wouldn't do it for me if it was the other way around. And 2. I mean...I don't know...I think it's really good for me to see what alcohol can do to another person but I hate to do it at Aaron's expense...he doesn't seem to care about his sobriety honestly. I have learned to try and not let that affect me as much as my people pleasing self wants to push myself aside and help him first. Mike, the guy I was talking to the other day said something really helpful. I was telling him about my inability to say no and he asked me if I saw myself as a people pleaser. I was like...yeah, yeah I am. I'm always helping people before myself. Hell, my b/f calls it the screw Stacey attitude. There's a name for it! Well, then out of the blue he asked if I was abused as a kid. I'd never put those two together. I'd never thought about the fact that my people pleasing, my many faces, my inability to bring my feelings out was a byproduct of my childhood and my upbringing where if I voiced the wrong opinion I would get hit. My mood always depended on my dads mood. If he came home in a bad mood, I went to my room and stayed there all night. I hid from him and in doing that, I hid from myself. When I couldn't escape I read books...lots and lots and lots of books. And I kept my diary. It was the only way I could escape my reality at the time. I was subject to a lot of things that I really shouldn't have been and I've never put the two together that the reason I have such a horrible time saying no is because of that upbringing. I can remember vividly watching my dad beat my puppy when he went to the bathroom on the rug. I remember watching him punch this puppy in the head and just crying because I didn't know what to do but I couldn't bring myself to face him about it. I knew he did and he knew I knew but nothing was ever said. i told my mom and she asked him about it but that's as far as it went. I have a lot of work to do. I guess this is 4th step stuff. I mean, I have so many demon's in my past that the idea of facing them scares me enough to go back out. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly like sit down and ask my dad...why did you beat my puppy when I was 13 years old? You knew I was watching and crying and yet, you didn't stop, why? I don't know if I'll ever get there but, I hope I can at least come to peace with some of this internally myself. ya know, I think I like the program so much not even so much because it gets me sober although that is great. That's only the start though, it's a program of self discovery and although that scares me, I know that it's going to make me a better person and maybe be able to releive some of the turmoil going on inside myself about my dad and about my life and how it hasn't exactly worked out as I'd planned. I mean, I think about it...i'm 24...I'm hoping to get married next year and maybe have a kid within the next couple of years and that scares the s*** out of me! But I know it's what I want to do but within the time between now and then, I have a lot of inventory to do and a lot of work to do on my sobriety. This program has been the best thing to ever happen to me...and I want to sit there one day and tell my story about how the program saved my life. I want what they have. How many times have I heard that? But I do....I just wish I could open my mouth at meetings and say something. I am hurting inside as I start to think about the reasons why I drink. Outwardly I want to just go...I drink because it's fun. No, there is more to it. Yeah, it's fun..party hardy but...there is more. There's reason's I began drinking and there are reasons I continued to drink into oblivion. There are reasons today that I can't say no and why I hate public speaking and attention on myself. I want to deal with that so I can be a better person. Not just a drunken baffoon fumbling her way through college and life always hiding my true feelings. That's not a way to live life. I want to break free of the hold my parents have over me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle my dad. I don't even know what to say about him...he is just....I don't know. He is my father and I love him but...sometimes it's really hard to deal with him. Here's the latest example...typical conversation, My dad:"Have you put on some weight?" Me, "No, not really...maybe a couple of pounds." My dad:" Oh, must just be the clothes you wear now." then turning to my mom.."Janet, doesn't she look like she's gaining weight?" My mom going" No, Jim, be decent." Still, the damage is done. Or my dad teasing "You really turned out to be an ugly thing!" Me" Hey, genes half come from you!" Still, inwardly ya know...it still hurts. Or about Dave, my fiance. My dad" So you guys are really getting married?" Me, "Yeah...looks like he's the one!" (with a smile) My dad:" I guess I'll have to learn to live with him then..." (with a sigh) I just want to scream and go...can't you just be happy that I'm happy? I really don't care if you don't like him. I have to constantly put up with my dad making snide litle comments about Dave. Constantly, like when I'll be telling him something about him and my dad's just like..."I bet he's just gonna take in his car and pay whatever they tell him to like a girl instead of learning to do it himself huh?" Ya know, just as an example. And he always says it like he's joking with this little smirk on his face. But inside me...I'm just steaming mad but I go..."not everyone is a mechanic ya know." and he drops it or even worse goes..." Yeah,.....I don't know about him." I have learned through the years that no matter what I'm feeling inside, however mad I may be...to push it down inside and always remain in control and monotone. Make it light, smile..be friendly. That's me. Ok...I've just gone off about my dad. See, I can't imagine actually facing all this but I know I need to or it's going to eat away at me forever. Even if I can't change my dad, I can change myself and how I handle situations. I'm just really surprized I haven't done it before now honestly. I guess I never really knew where my feelings really came from or what to do about them besides drink. I went from books to beer. What a combination! That's what I used to hide though. I'm trying not to hide anymore but the more I don't share at these meetings the more I'm just hiding in them. So, I am going to work on that...I know I need to. Dave and I are driving up to do the camping thing for a day that AA is putting on so, that should be good for getting to know people. And, in any case, if ya can't talk to people, bring the puppy..hehe. Nothing works better at breaking into converations than having a puppy. Anyways, I've went on long enough...I do feel better though. I suppos I will probrably get up and see Aaron off into jail if that is indeed where he is headed. I feel better. If I could just get this out at a meeting. I just know for a fact that if I say one word about trying to deal with my dad hitting me I'm going to be bawling like a baby. .
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Old 07-17-2003, 08:00 PM
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cont...

I can't voice stuff like that. It's kinda like everyone know's my homelife was pretty screwed up but no one would ever imagine how screwed up ya know? I mean, there are rumors that my dad may have molested me. My mom told me that a few years ago like it was just side converation. I mean, that changed my life! There's no way to ever know because my dad will never admit anything I'm sure. So, I get a life of wonder. I mean, my mom even took me to the doctor to make sure he hadn't raped me when I was 4! Thing is...when I tell people stories like this they all hate my dad and then like...if anyone is anything other than nice to him he gets pissed off and then I'm all in the middle and I hate that. I hate conflict of any kind and I end up just smoothing things back out to get them normal again because I just can't take it. I can't take facing stuff like that and I don't know if I ever will. I hope so. I hope this probgram can help me deal with that and maybe even show my parents who think they were so perfect bringing my brother and me up that, ya know...parts of my childhood were really good. I mean, a lot of it was good but, there was underlying things that just...won't let go of me. Anyways, I'm glad to be sober today....One day at time is definitly the way to go. I'm going to read the big book tonight and try to take my mind off things abit. I'm getting in way too deep tonight and I know I'm not ready for it in my present state. So, tonight is relax time. I'll probrably get up and go see Aaron into jail and hit the noon meeting. Things will be ok someday
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Old 07-17-2003, 08:09 PM
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cont...

I can't voice stuff like that. It's kinda like everyone know's my homelife was pretty screwed up but no one would ever imagine how screwed up ya know? I mean, there are rumors that my dad may have molested me. My mom told me that a few years ago like it was just side converation. I mean, that changed my life! There's no way to ever know because my dad will never admit anything I'm sure. So, I get a life of wonder. I mean, my mom even took me to the doctor to make sure he hadn't raped me when I was 4! Thing is...when I tell people stories like this they all hate my dad and then like...if anyone is anything other than nice to him he gets pissed off and then I'm all in the middle and I hate that. I hate conflict of any kind and I end up just smoothing things back out to get them normal again because I just can't take it. I can't take facing stuff like that and I don't know if I ever will. I hope so. I hope this probgram can help me deal with that and maybe even show my parents who think they were so perfect bringing my brother and me up that, ya know...parts of my childhood were really good. I mean, a lot of it was good but, there was underlying things that just...won't let go of me. Anyways, I'm glad to be sober today....One day at time is definitly the way to go. I'm going to read the big book tonight and try to take my mind off things abit. I'm getting in way too deep tonight and I know I'm not ready for it in my present state. So, tonight is relax time. I'll probrably get up and go see Aaron into jail and hit the noon meeting. Things will be ok someday
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Old 07-19-2003, 01:03 AM
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Frusterations....

Sigh....this sober stuff isn't easy! Aaron's trial ended up getting postponed. So, he's not in jail...yet. It was interesting sitting there watching people be sentanced though. I've sat in courtrooms twice before. Once when I was doing my internship at the probation office. During this time I was currently hauling around pot in my pocket and smoking everyday after I left the courthouse. I only kept that up for a couple of months though...I wasn't really into pot. I went back to drinking. The second time was when I got arrested. Let me tell you, thinking back sitting there made me realize how much I don't want to get into any more trouble. More than just, I want to stop drinking...just watching and practically feeling the poor people's nervousness there. It really bothered me. Well, then I didn't end up going to the noon meeting, although I probrably should have. I was just soo tired after being up yesterday at 6am and today at 9 when I didn't get to bed till about 3. So, I just stayed with Dave and took a nap till the night meeting. Life without a job is interesting...naps in the middle of the day. hehe...But anyways, I went to the meeting tonight which was ok but not that great because it was a speaker I'd already heard. Then I had to hang out with Jennie even longer tonight because she doesn't have to be up tomarrow morning. Sometimes, I just wish I could come home and chill. Well, now Dave's friends are here. While we were outside grilling Aaron came up and was obviously pretty drunk. He talked for abit and was like..."Hey, just came to see if you'd be up for going to the bar with me." I just kinda went..."uhh....nah." and tried to change the subject. It really kinda, i don't know. It kinda set me a little off....it was kinda like a trigger without actually making me drink. Then we were playing euchre just a little while ago and I renigged during the game twice. I felt bad but...I don't know. My mind was just so wandery because I always tend to play euchre when I was drunk. Maybe I shouldn't have played but I haven't been playing it drunk lately. But since the last time we played Dave and I lost and then this time I caused Neil and I to lose I was hearing a few jokes about bringing down the group. I don't know...I just felt this anger inside me flare up. I don't even really know why...I think it was just...I'm trying to deal with my disease here! I've spent the last 4 hours with Jennie when I didn't really want to, then I'm playing euchre like crap and they were making jokes. I don't know why but it just really pissed me off. I'm just really in turmoil today and I can't really explain why. Maybe I should've went to that meeting this morning. I don't know. Well, then afterwards Dave keeps trying to get me to watch this Anime him and his friends all watch called Cowboy Bebop. Well, I told him I wanted to watch it in order and they were watching a random episode. He kept on and kept on trying to get me to watch it and making snide comments about how I always go antisocial. I just got really mad and told him to just leave me alone. I want to be alone. He got kinda snippy with me and was like..Fine, be antisocial then. I don't think he got it...I just told him..I need to chill ya know? I need to be alone for a few moments to gather my thoughts. I need to sit down and read the big book. It's 4am for gosh sake, not like it wouldn't be normal to be going to bed! We've all been drinking coffee all night though so I have a feeling we're all going to be up for a couple more hours. Sigh....I don't know. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal to want to just get away for awhile when you feel yourself internally losing control? I just don't know...they say not to isolate but...what if I feel like I'm going crazy inside for no particular reason? I don't understand....
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Old 07-19-2003, 01:59 AM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Re: Frusterations....

Originally posted by Csmcjewl

"Sigh....this sober stuff isn't easy!"

snip

-->>It may not seem easy. But drinking wouldn't make things better...or easier.

snip

"Let me tell you, thinking back sitting there made me realize how much I don't want to get into any more trouble. More than just, I want to stop drinking"

snip

-->>You've recognized one of the costs of drinking: reckless behavior that results in legal trouble. Maybe going with your friend was useful, after all, if it reinforced your sobriety!

snip

"He talked for abit and was like..."Hey, just came to see if you'd be up for going to the bar with me." I just kinda went..."uhh....nah." and tried to change the subject. It really kinda, i don't know. It kinda set me a little off....it was kinda like a trigger without actually making me drink."

-->>It WAS a trigger, and you successfully deflected it! "Uhh...nah" worked! Practice that one, say it with conviction, say it in the mirror, say it while you're alone, and then it'll be ready to go next time and you'll deflect the trigger again. Congratulations, Stacey! You're getting used to saying no, easily and firmly, and your friends are getting used to you saying no. It gets easier the more you do it.

snip

" I don't know...I just felt this anger inside me flare up. I don't even really know why...I think it was just...I'm trying to deal with my disease here!"

-->I won't get into the whole disease debate. But anger, irritability, sleeplessness, and discomfort are all normal reactions to quitting any substance--even coffee! A little irritation at people who are drinking when you aren't is normal, too; there's an underlying feeling that "it isn't fair." That can be a very strong trigger, so keep reminding yourself that their drinking should not, will not, can not affect your own behavior.

snip

"....it just really pissed me off. I'm just really in turmoil today and I can't really explain why."

-->>more irritability. Figuring out some way to calm yourself down in those situations could be helpful, even something as simple as drinking chamomile tea (valerian tea helps with insomnia, by the way, even though it stinks and tastes like swamp water).

This is really great, Stacey, because you are recognizing the feelings and emotions you have that could become stumbling blocks to your sobriety.

When we drink, we have those emotions but the fog we're in often prevents us from recognizing them (and they get worse). I try to catch myself when I start feeling irritable (or depressed, or whatever) and make a plan for stopping it from building. "Don't think poisonous thoughts!" is something I say--outloud if necessary--to get out of the funk before it gets oppressive.

snip

"Dave keeps trying to get me to watch this Anime him and his friends all watch called Cowboy Bebop."

-->>My son LOVES that video! I have yet to figure out what he likes about it. It mostly gives me a headache, but I suppose I'm showing my age.


snip

" He kept on and kept on trying to get me to watch it and making snide comments about how I always go antisocial. I just got really mad and told him to just leave me alone. I want to be alone. He got kinda snippy with me and was like..Fine, be antisocial then."

-->>The change in your behavior can be unsettling to those around you, who were used to the "drinking" you. To those still drinking, it may seem like you're being "holier" and they'll make sarcastic comments about it. When one person in a couple stops drinking, the other may feel that that person "isn't as fun."

I know it's irritating, but try to have good humor about it. They'll get used to the "sober" you. If you communicate well with your b/f, then talk about it. If that leads to conflict, then let it go. But don't let that anger build up. Others talk about drinking "to get even" or because of some perceived unfairness. I think you see how your anger can become a trigger.

There is a thread on another forum board right now about sobriety in relationships, and it has been commented that one member of a couple sort of gives "permission" for both of them to drink--to get "back to normal." It can be a real obstacle to sobriety, and it is one you should plan for and deal with directly. Any ideas for how to make your boyfriend more comfortable with this?

snip

"We've all been drinking coffee all night though so I have a feeling we're all going to be up for a couple more hours."

-->>If you're having trouble sleeping, you might want to be careful about your coffee intake for a while. I slept very little in the first couple of weeks after I quit drinking, and it did make me more restless and irritable. Plus, I'd suddenly collapse from exhaustion in the afternoon or evening. I learned to take naps and to let my body tell me when to rest.

"Sigh....I don't know. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal to want to just get away for awhile when you feel yourself internally losing control?"

-->>YES these feelings are normal! YES you may feel the need for solitude or a time out. I made use of that time to write about what I appreciated about sobriety, or to check these forum boards and post, or just to take pictures or go for a walk.

"I just don't know...they say not to isolate..."

-->>Who says that? In yoga they talk about "centering yourself." Taking a little time for that, giving yourself time to think about how your days are different and better, and to appreciate things you didn't see so clearly before--I can't see any down side to that.

Yes, I'd agree that withdrawing from society wouldn't be productive. But most of your posts describe LOTS of interaction with people. The point of not isolating is to make use of the moral support that comes from your group.

"but...what if I feel like I'm going crazy inside for no particular reason? I don't understand...."

-->>I have that feeling on a regular basis. But then, I'm a parent of two teenagers.

What I like about your posts is that you talk about all the stuff going on, your interactions, your feelings, your reactions--and throughout it all, you're not drinking. What's missing is your recognition of how successfully you are adopting new patterns of behavior that are working. See? The alcohol isn't there; that's simple.

The other stuff is there, and you can deal with it. I found all the other stuff easier to deal with when my mind was clear, rather than drunk or hungover.

So actually, the sober stuff IS easy. The other stuff is complicated, maybe, but not TOO hard to deal with. Congratulations, and thanks for posting.
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Old 07-19-2003, 10:45 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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Day 12

You are soo right Don. Thank you so much. It always helps me so much when I read your posts because reading what I write in little pieces always gives me that..."I wrote that?" Feeling. Last night ended up with Dave and I talking till 7am. There was an almost fight there but we talked extensively. Why he was giving me such a hard time was because he was making sure I wasn't doing the "screw Stacey" bit. Like when he asked if I wanted to watch stuff wth them and I said no, that's ok, you go ahead. He translated that as...screw stacey, I'll just go hide in the other room. He didn't understand that I actually Wanted to hide in the other room! I havn't had an instance yet where I just needed to get away. That's not normally me so it kinda took me off guard as well. But, that's why he was arguing because I tend to ...like I've said, wear faces and do whatever people want me to, even if I dont want to do it. He thought I was doing that. I told him that I'm working on it and to just believe what I say at face value and if Im not being honest or doing the Screw Stacey, then that's my fault. I said, don't try to analyze me because it just happened that I was telling the truth and got really not happy when he tried to tell me what I was thinking. He also did make me angry talking about how I never stick up to people. He said that when Aaron asked if I wanted to drink I said no with such a lack of convicton I probrably gave him the impression that I want him to keep asking me and that I don't want him to stop and if I truly do, I should tell him that. I was just like...Dave! Dave! One thing at a time! He caught me off guard as it was and even though I was instantly angry and said no, there was such a powerful trigger there that I was fighting I couldn't even think of much else than "I need to get out of this situation." He just goes off about how I need to tell my friends, don't ask me or I'm going to be angry. I told him, yes....I do. But ya know, after Aaron has asked me about 6-7 times to drink now and I've managed to say no...he's going to get bored with me. I barly talk to him as it is. But, Dave still insists it would be good for me to build confidence by sitting down and seriously telling Aaron Quit asking me. See, that would be voicing my opinion though, my true opinion. That's one big problem for me that I need to work on...however, like I told Dave. I can't change overnight, what's important is that I said no. He says that I won't stand up to them because I want them to be asking me. Which isn't true. That may have been true in the past but, it's much easier to stay sober without people asking me all the time if I want to get drunk! So, it's not so much that Dave wasn't used to me I guess....but more that...he doesn't realize that I am slowly changing my habits. (such as, saying what I mean when I mean it.) Maybe I didn't do it to Aaron tonight, but I did it with Dave and he didn't even belive me. That's what I told him, if my own b/f doesn't take my credibility, why should Aaron? I've told him over and over that I'm not drinking anymore and than drank. How does he know? Maybe I do need to tell Aaron to go away forever but...I just don't know if I'm up to that. I just keep my distance from him for now and don't go over to his house, don't see him outside of meetings...etc. I safeguard myself against him when I probrably should be saying something. Like I told Dave though, what happens if I sit down and say all this to Aaron and it gets me so worked up and out of sorts that I end up drinking? How does that help? He almost tried to give me the...well, it's only 1 slip, that's better than having Aaron asking me forever. This is when I just sighed and really understood what people mean about non-alcoholics not understanding. I told him, my sobriety is number one. As long as I'm not drinking I can handle anything but the moment I take that drink...I"m doomed. So, that was that....I told him gaining confidence is something that I will be working up to in the program but for now, I'm just not there yet. I'm just trying to stay sober and define what exactly is my higher power. I'm not to step four yet and I still don't have a sponsor. So, I'm ok for now. I see how the program is working in my life and I want to keep working it and not give up. I really like being sober, things are hard but...in time I feel they will get easier the more I distance me and alcohol. BTW: That's funny to hear that your son is into Cowboy Bebop too.... Does he watch other anime? There aren't many people that actually watch it...good stuff though...sometimes! So, things are ok for now...we went to bed at 7am and I'm back up at 1..sigh, another no sleep night for me. But, I just can't wait to get up to the campgrounds and hit the meeting up there. I think it'll be really nice. I'm taking Dave and my puppy, like I've said....if I can't talk to people....they can't resist talking to me if I have my puppy! Thanks, I know I will be sober for today and that's all I need.......
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Old 07-19-2003, 07:41 PM
  # 76 (permalink)  
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Things are good...

Hi,
I just got back from the sober meeting at the campgrounds and it was great! Dave went with me, it was about an hour away. I mean, I got there and I dont' really know people enough to really just walk up and start talking like old buddies but...I'll get there. We went for a walk down the river with my dog. Then went back to the meeting. It was a gratitude meeting. I had to talk so I said a little thing...one point I made though was that I've been coming to the program for awhile and I think I've got it now...and I'm really grateful for that. And that I was grateful to have somewhere to come on a Saturday night that wasn't the bar. It's really nice. So, we just got home...we were gonna go wander around town but Dave is supposed to hang out with his other friend Eric tonight. Gotta go though. My mommy is on the phone...
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Old 07-19-2003, 08:10 PM
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Stacy

I'm glad you made it to that campground meeting, you will keep getting more and more comfortable, around people in recovery, its good to know others, that have been were we have been, and want a better life.
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