Kaibaby

Glad to hear you're doing the deal...I know you're really contemplating a tough weekend ahead, huh? Just remember...It works if you work it. Here's a little exercise to try(I got to do one of these in treatment! ) Anyway, it's called a "5-5-15," and what you do is this:

1)Name 5 ways you are powerless over alcohol. (things you do or don't do because you have to have that drink)
2)Name 5 ways your life has become unmanageable.(things such as non-payment of bills, missed appointments, etc.)
3)Name 15 consequences of your drinking. (things that have happened as a direct result of your drinking)

This is helpful in that it just shows you what alcohol does or has done to your life. When I did mine, I was amazed.

You're really seeming to be doing great...don't worry, doubts will come and go....you CAN do this!

Love to you...

Kai

Csmcjewl

Thanks, I'll give it a try. A big part of what I used to see as a doubt in the beginning is that I was only caught once. Ya know? My alcoholic side would always be telling me....Ok, You're 23, a college student and you drink...how does that make you an alcoholic? So what, ya got caught once...who hasn't driven home drunk from the bar on some occasion? I have to constantly remind myself....Yeah, on some occasion...I wouldn't have gotten caught if it hadn't become a weekly occurance, that's what signals the problem. But yeah, i'm feeling pretty confident in the program working this time. Hitting a meeting every single day...I mean, I can't even in good conscience go out and drink after going to a meeting! Plus, I just downloaded Evanescence's new video..hehe...that makes me happy. I think they are my new favorite band. Mariah Carey was my favorite when I was young until she uhh....took off too much clothing. Then it was Jewel for years and years until recently she too..uhh...decided to take off clothing. With the advent of getting arrested, realizing I'm an alcoholic, losing my car and all my favorite singers taking off too much clothing and making sucky music to be in good taste. Well, it all made me feel more in a dark, depressive gothic sort of state and weather I'm feeling up or down...I can always lose myself in Evanescence. Good stuff....

Kaibaby

Very cool group! Anyway...just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you!

GoStacey, GoStacey...

Love to ya...

Kai

Csmcjewl

Well, Tonight turned out to be quite a difficult night for me. I went to the 8pm meeting with my mom, Aaron and Jennie. Aaron and Jennie immedietly left to go downstairs. I fought the urge to go join them just out of habit and stayed up at the top. This was the beginning of my being frusterated because I was busy thinking about them and it kept breaking my concentration listening to the speaker, although i managed ok once I got them out of my mind. Well, then we went back out to the fair. Aaron asked if he could join us and I said sure. Well, we get there and walk around exactly once before Aaron started complaining that it was lame and he wanted to leave and go get drunk. This is when my frusterations started to rise. We stood around the enterence and all threw out ideas of what we wanted to do. I voted to stay and walk around since that was why we went there. See, they had cancelled the fireworks yesterday due to rain, so my mom was waiting to see them tonight. She called my dad to come down and meet us at the same time the two whinies were wanting to leave. So, it was just so annoying to hear Aaron practically begging for beer that I just wanted to smack him. Not only that but he was trying to get me to use my money to buy him beer! My last paycheck when I don't have a job! Exactly how rude can one person be with one question? I think he hit like 4 levels of rudeness in one sentance there, that's probrably some kind of record. Well, by the point that we started walking around for the second time and Aaron had made at least 10 comments about how lame he thought it was while I bit my toungue to tell him to shuttup and Jennie stared forelonly into the distance because her internet guy never showed up, I just gave up and said...fine, let's leave. So that was that....we finished that trip. Which, something that really helped is I ran into this guy I was in counseling with. We talked for abit...it was nice to see someone. I swear it was a message from God reminding me what was really important to me. I didn't think of that till now though, hehe...aww well, delayed reaction is better than none. Makes me smile at least. Anyways, so we left and right when we were walking out the fireworks started. I felt awful. Here, my mom drove to my house 15 minutes away from the fair when she lives 5 minutes down the street to come with me and I was dragging her away as my dad was on his way there! I felt horrible and very not happy at Aaron and Jennie. Needless to say, drinking was about the last thing I wanted to do after listening to every word out of Aarons mouth be about drinking. So, we dropped off Aaron, after listening to him complain all the way back that he hadn't ate all day and he was starving. I bit my toungue one last time before I screamed at him about using common sence that if he knew he was going with us, why didn't he eat? But, I swore to not invite him anywhere ever again with me, even if he asks to go..which he did tonight. He invited himself and then complained about it. So, by that point all I wanted to do was get rid of everyone and come home. But of course, we got back here and my mom felt bad leaving me alone so she stood and talked to me till Dave (my b/f) came home. All I wanted was to be left alone so I could chill for abit. But, as soon as he got here and my mom left his friends called and asked if we wanted to go to the Casino. I said sure! Thinking it would be nice to do something that doesn't involve drinking. It wasn't till like 20 minutes later when I realized that the Casino was bound to be loaded with liquor everywhere. I don't go very often so I kinda forgot. So, I really debated going but Dave was begging me to go with him. Which, in turn just made me more annoyed because I was already annoyed at my friends. I told him he doesn't care about my sobriety and the situations he was putting me in as long as it was for him. I didn't mean it, but....I was pretty annoyed. I ended up going resentfully and thought about drinking all the way there. I knew I wasn't in a place to be going around alcohol, I knew if I wasn't ready for the band tomarrow, I certainly wasn't ready today. Anyways, I'm rambling...I just needed to get it off my chest. So, we went and my ex. fiance that I broke up with 9 days before I began dating Dave back in 99 works in the bar there as a bartender. I figured maybe I could go catch him before he got off his shift. Well, he was there but what I didn't count on was me getting there right before he was going to leave and he had to go put in the change for the night. So, here he doesn't know anything about me stopping from drinking and leaves me alone in an empty bar and tells me to grab all the drinks I want on tap and hands me a glass. i just about lost it right there. I must've sat there with my fingers just curled around that glass so tight I had white knuckles showing. I stared at the tap for Labatt for the entire time he was gone and just tried to clear my mind. Oddly enough, I didn't find myself all that tempted but more pleased to have some time alone to sit and remember stuff people had said in the meetings today. Trust me, I was trying hard to congure up everything and anything I could remember! But, he came back and we talked. I told him I quit drinking and he apoligized, even if I got a little teasing. I was quite the party girl for awhile when we were dating. But...overall, it was good. Somehow he was annoying me too though. i think it's an ex. thing. But, okok...I played the slots, was up $17 and then lost $27 all together. I was kinda bummed about that. I only lost $10 of my money but still, I shoudln't be playing with money that isn't going to be replaced in a week! So then finally, I pull Dave out of the Casino at 3:45am and we head home with neil and Scott (his friends). Oh, and I forgot to say that as soon as we got there Neil and Scott ran straight to the bar for their "required" beer. Although, they only got one, which really baffled me. Even though I knew it was the alcoholic inside me, I still still logically thinking...what a waste of money. But, that annoyed me too and I felt this huge draw from it and my disease telling me...you need it, it's been a rough night...go ahead..just one won't hurt! But, i didn't. To round out my night Neil played Rammstein all the way home, which...I'm sorry...I despise that group. Absolutly Hate their music and there they are all singing to it with Dave smiling at me like I'm supposed to be having the time of my life listening to the band he know's I hate. Sigh...men. Anyways, so that's my night. I'm here, I'm home and I didn't drink despite geez....loads of pressure that honestly, I feel as if i don't know what hit me it was so much tonight! and here I was all worried about tomarrow! Well, I think tonight solved tomarrow's problem. I'm pretty pissed at Aaron and Jennie...not outwardly, because I never really get mad but...I don't want to see either one of them for a few days...maybe never. Ok...but it feels great to get all that out. I just kept thinking about coming on here and I couldn't wait to get home. But...it's almost 5am now....I'm going to bed! I'm so glad I didn't drink....
Tomarrow night is the women's meeting...I"m going to give that another go.....

Music

Hey jewl,
It's been suggested in past posts that you cut Aaron lose and start taking care of yourself.
Seems to me you keep doing what you're doing for possibly a couple reasons. Maybe you enjoy the chaos and confusion that comes with the situation...maybe you enjoy some sort of ego trip that comes from seemingly "helping" Aaron....or maybe you enjoy the attention you get when you come here with the problems the situation is causing. Whichever it is(and there may be more reasons)you don't seem to get the message that the time spent "taking care of" or "staying in the confusion" caused by these circumstances is time taken away from your own program of sobriety. Question: How long can you keep up with the insanity of what you're doing before you go out again? But of course, going out again would be a convenient way to start this process all over again wouldn't it?

The Jay Walker

Stacy

we are all here for the same reason, to help each other stay sober, and run ideas by each other,
if I'm doing something that would risk my sobriety, I would hope that somebody in my meetings or here would call me on it.

I want to ask you something,

you have said that you want to stay sober, and are willing to do anything.

when?

you made it through last night, but what you are doing is not working a program, you white nuckled it in a bar.

It does not have to be like that, try using our suggestions for 90 days, and you will see a difference.

if you want to stay sober for good, you can do it, one day at a time.

Jay

Csmcjewl

Well,
The bar was an unexpected situation. Normally it's not a problem visiting my ex. because it's not really like a bar, it's more of a resturant so, it doesn't normally bother me at all. But, I didn't expect him to just be like..hey, wait here and leave. Yesterday just kinda unexpectidly grated at me. I expected to go to the fair and come home, that's it. Well, I have to be ok with these things coming up because I mean, I can't hide out from alcohol. It's in too many social places to avoid it. And yes, I have decided that I will do it. I'm going to..well, not 90 meetings in 90 days but 30 meetings in 30 days. 30 is my magic number to try and reach. I feel if I was shooting for 90 I'd be more apt to fail just because it's so far off into the future it's not even realistic for me. I have decided I am not going tonight, to save my sanity. None of this, i could go and not take money, I could go and take sober people....No. You guys are right, rather than sit here and debate how I can still go and not drink, I just need to give it up and stay home. I have talked to my b/f and we are going to go see a movie instead, which is perfectly fine with me. So, things are looking up. I tend to get too stressed out about situations that I used to do that I can't/shouldn't do now because of the risks involved. So, alas....I have given in and I will stay home. Last night my b/f pointed out the obvious to me that I've never realized. He said that when I'm with my friends and we don't drink...I come home and complain because they annoy the crap outta me. And if I do drink I complain because I gave in and drank. Well, the answer to that is obvious...Stop hanging out with my friends! And ya know...after last night being sober with them and yet again, being annoyed by them. It really made me think ya know? Why am I friends with them? Is it the alcoholic me trying to hold on to the old lifestyle? Do I really need it? I know I'll never acheive sobriety hanging out with them so why do it? or better yet, Why do I try to stay sober and hang out with them? Why torture myself like that?? So, I've been doing alot of thinking and I think it's becoming clear what I need to do weather I want to do it or not. So, .....I will distance myself from them at worst and get rid of them all together at best. I think Aaron pissed me off enough last night I really don't care if I ever see him again. But Jennie, see.....we've been friends for years and we didn't used to drink together so....but if she's not going to take me being sober seriiously...maybe I'll try to tell her. NO drinking with me. If she's with me, I don't want alcohol even in the house. That's what Dave had to do with his friends and that's worked out for the most part. They still drank like...at the Casino last night but...they even apoligized for having a beer in front of me. that almost made it "o.k.". So...yeah....beyond what my inner demons may want me to do...I will avoid and sever all ties with my friends. I DO want sobriety....I always was a slow learner.

Don S

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Csmcjewl
[B]Well, Tonight turned out to be quite a difficult night for me.
Well, we get there and walk around exactly once before Aaron started complaining that it was lame and he wanted to leave and go get drunk.
snip
So, it was just so annoying to hear Aaron practically begging for beer

snip

I realized that the Casino was bound to be loaded with liquor everywhere.

snip

I ended up going resentfully and thought about drinking all the way there.
snip

So, here he doesn't know anything about me stopping from drinking and leaves me alone in an empty bar and tells me to grab all the drinks I want on tap and hands me a glass.

snip

Oh, and I forgot to say that as soon as we got there Neil and Scott ran straight to the bar for their "required" beer.

snip

I'm here, I'm home and I didn't drink despite geez....loads of pressure that honestly, I feel as if i don't know what hit me it was so much tonight!

snip

Stacey, Stacey, Stacey! Do you realize what you accomplished here?

In the face of numerous pressures to drink, frustrations about things that made you feel like drinking, and in the presence of friends who were drinking--you didn't drink! Remember, you told us earlier that you couldn't do that, that you "always" drink in situations like this. And you didn't! Plus, an old friend was supportive when you told him you weren't drinking. Trust me, many people will be supportive of that decision. Even if they aren't, even if they whine--that's their problem, not yours.

Congratulations on your success in the face of all those drinking "triggers." Learning to separate my frustrations and stresses from my decision for sobriety made the goal easier to achieve. Life has lots of things that seem unfair, lots of irritating people, lots of ups and downs. Drinking doesn't make anything more fair, doesn't make people less irritating (although you seem to have noticed that people who obsess about drinking can be more irritating when you are quitting). In fact, there's nothing that I've found that drinking makes better--in the long run.

Personally, I found it useful to have little slogans like that to repeat to myself when I was in drinking situations, or at the grocery store and that bottle just wanted to jump off the shelf into my cart. Mine was "there will be no alcohol in my house or in my body." Another was "there's nothing that drinking makes better." Saying these out loud was useful to me--it sounds silly, but it really does work to repeat simple sayings (advertisers know this well...). When I started talking myself into a bad mood for some reason, I'd say "don't think poisonous thoughts." This one was because I recognized the connection between my "awfulizing"--persuading myself how "everything" was going wrong, or what a rotten day it had been--and my giving myself permission to drink. And the worse the day was going, of course, the more alcohol I"d "need" to make it "better."

Congratulations on Day 5. Your post gave me a big smile, Stacey, so thanks.
Don S

The Jay Walker

Stacy

maybe staying home is a good idea for tonight, there will be other nights to go out, there is a lot of fun stuff to do sober too, it took me a while but I met some realy cool people at meetings, and we have a lot of fun sober,

its hard to give up our drinking friends, but in my case I only had a couple drinking buddies left, and when I stopped drinking, they just stopped coming around, I found out they were not friends after all.

my sponsor helped me out a lot, he knew I had some major social problems, so he introduced me to a lot of people with some sober time, and now I have some great friends, true friends.

Csmcjewl

Thank you for the wonderful support! It feels good to know I finally did something good for once. I think failing almost becomes a pattern for me and then it's like I'm fighting the alcohol and my tendency to fail! So, Thank you! It was a rough night and I'm really glad I made it through it....No more though. I didn't enjoy it, but I am glad I didn't give in. Thank you for the support.

CarolD

Day 5!! Hurrah!!





My life used to be awash in a sea of booze. All my friends drank excessively as did my lover. Geez! I had even worked for years as a waitress and bartender.

When I 1st started AA...I did not stay sober for very long. In and out...up and down.

One day on a city bus full of business people...a smelly tattered toothless homeless member of my AA group screamed across the bus...

"Ya aint never goin ta stay sober hangin in them thar juke joints"

Eureka!

Never give up Stacey...you are so worth saving.

Csmcjewl

Thanks Carol...that was hilarious! Had to even show my b/f...and how true it is. Today I have spent with my b/f. He bought me anime and bribed me into not going tonight. I made the necessary phone calls. Left a message with Jennie and talked with my mom. My mom was the worst. When I called she's walking in to the fair and when I told her I couldn't go because I would end up drinking she's like...well, hold on a minute and you'll be able to hear them playing! Nothing could've made me turn inside more. I just sat there like..."Yes, please my wonderful mother, torture me more here!" ya know? That's so rude. I mean, I know she doesn't realize but still....I'm doing ok...trying not to think about it. I've muttered the serenity prayer under my breath like 20 times today. It's a rough night, I'll admit but if I don't start dealing with them now and not going then, how do I ever expect to make it? So, it's looking like we're meeting Dave's friends down at the coffee shop and then coming back here and maybe going to see T3. Sounds like a good night. I have to fight the urge to just crawl into bed and pull the covers up to shut out the whole world though. It's rough and I dind't get to hit a meeting tonight because we were still 30 minutes away from home. I told Dave it was ok though, just get me to bed early tomarrow. Being with him is almost like being at a meeting. He is so relaxing to be around and he's always willing to talk with me about drinking. He has endured hour after hour for the past like 8 months. I have to marry this man! Anyways, I know the night's not over and it's not going to be easy but...I know I'm going to make it and I know eventually nights like this will get easier over time. If I'm having trouble later, I may be writing...thank you though, I wouldn't be making it if it wasn't for you guys....
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Well, I'm still here! Still at home..hehe, that's a good sign right? I just told Dave to go ahead and go to the movie without me. I didn't feel like seeing his friends anymore, I didn't feel like going places again while my mind is somewhere else. I just want to chill and just relax ya know? All the thinking about the program and trying to start working the steps...it has kept my mind pretty busy all day. Now, I know that I am home alone and the band is still playing for 2 hours and I could sneak over there and see them but...against my alcoholic self going..."You could do it! You'd have fun! Come on, night's not over!" I'm not going to. I'm incredibly tired and worn out. It's more like my mind is worn from this battle about tonight that went on for days. I know I need to constantly surround myself with AA tonight. I do know that...but, for all it's worth...I have been around a lot of temptation this weekend and it feels damn good to not give in. It makes me feel empowered to know that I am capable of doing it. I kinda wish I would've hit a meeting tonight, I feel I'd be a little better off than I am right now but...still....I'd be pathetic to "sneak" off to go drink beer while my b/f is at a movie and I'm supposed to be sleeping. It makes me think about my past life because in the past, I would've done just that. And probrably stumbled home after the movie was out and Dave figured out where I had gone...i'd be drunk, oh yes. And he would not be happy with me. It feels great to not have that happening tonight. I know I can do this....

Csmcjewl

You know...someone said something on here that really struck a chord...a few things on here and at my meeting today I wanted to share. First of all...the term Chronic Relapser. Ya know what? That's been me! I've relapsed so many times even you guys are sick of me! If I actually spoke at meetings I'm sure everyone there would be too! And ya know what? Knowing that sucks! I hate knowing that I haven't really tried. That I haven't worked really any of the steps except the first one. Everytime the subject comes up at meetings and it comes to me..."well, i'm still working on the first step." I was thinking that would tell people I'm a beginner and that I needed help but they saw through it. Six months of telling people I'm still on the first step and they start to go...uh-huh, sure you are! Since I got the big book, I've been pushing myself to read that every night. I read and re-read parts of it until it's pushed into my brain and I'm thinking about it every waking day. So far, it seems to be working. I realized today that I hadn't really started working the steps until this last week. I hadn't really thought about my higher power I just kinda went...yeah, it's God...what's next? Ya know? But now that I've really put some thought into it...I do believe in God but it's really the tables that are keeping me sober. A link to God you could say. It's really what those people are saying around the tables that make me think about what I've done and about my past and make me want to change. They are the one's who give me the hope. I pray to God for the courage to change things and wish for hope but, it's me that's doing the work. I think that's a good thing. I've made a deal within myself to split the power with God..hehe...I get personal help to stay sober from the meetings but the real spiritual "awakening" as they say, that happens through God. Works for me. Today is one week sober. It's wierd because I really feel different this time. I feel as if I've been staying sober before, but that's it...like it's a competition or something. I actually feel some changes happening in my life this time. I mean, I feel happier already about the choices I've made. This could be a good thing. I'm going to keep trying as hard as I can to keep it up. I'm going to the beginners meeting tonight even though i really don't want to go but I'm just going to explain to them...although I've been coming for 7 months, I'm really new. I've only got a week under my belt and I welcome all the help i can get. From there I'm going over to the Steps and Traditions meeting that Aaron will probrably be at. I don't want to see him but...what can ya do ya know? All i can do is ignore him. It's hard to just give up on him but, I can't help him if he won't help himself. All that accomplishes is taking the focus off myself and onto him and I end up going down right with him. another thing that happened at the meeting today that was really astounding to me was this lady was talking about her 93 year old dad said that he loved her today. I almost started crying because I realize, in all my life...all the times through being molested by my dad, being hit by my dad and being emotionally abused, even up to this very day....I don't beleive I'll ever hear my dad say that he loves me. I came so close to losing it in the meeting today, i almost got up and left! It made me realize that it's not only acheiving sobriety, it's changing my life. It made me realize that I have to come to terms with my father, weather he says he loves me or not...ever, ya know? I have to do something about it. And it scares me and releives me at the same time. I've always had issues with my dad, but never resolved any of them, I just blindly accept them because he is my father. I just assumed you loved him that was that. I live everyday knowing that he hit me when I was younger, he emotionally abused me terribly and it's really hard to think of forgiving him for that. It's even harder to think about doing something to change how things are. My dad is very set in his ways and I've been taught to just accept whatever comes my way and not to complain because I got hit for it. I think it explains why I put up with failure in the program because of pressure from my friends. Blindly following whatever anyone else does. I realized today, that's what I'm changing. I'm changing the fact that I'm not going to just sit back and take whatever comes my way regardless of it's consequences to me and my well being. Sigh...So, the meeting was quite profound when I realized...it's not just drinking that's changing, it's my life. It's everything I've ever believed and been taught to believe. I will be a new person when this is over and I know now I have a loooooong ways to go. It scares the crap out of me, but I'm doing to do it.
Thanks

Music

Hi jewl,
I love the terms we use in AA. So as not to hurt feelings we come up with something like "chronic relapser." No such thing!! You just never stopped drinking! Shoot, we all stopped for different periods of time. Just because I go to an AA meeting or to an AA website and swear off booze, doesn't mean I've acheived anything like sobriety. Maybe a little dry time. I was in the navy and stayed dry for a month or so at a time while at sea. Didn't mean I was sober and I sure didn't relapse when I hit shore. I kept right on drinking like nothing had happened. Calling drinking again after AA anything else but what it is is just a nice way of saying we drank again.
I surely hope you take care of yourself. Sometimes I find that I feel kind of really selfish if I do something for me. But ya know what? I'm really no good to anyone else if I'm no good to myself.
Good luck and keep coming back.

Csmcjewl

Well, tonight didn't turn out quite as I'd planned it. Jennie ended up coming with me to the Monday night meeting. First off, you know how they break off into 2 groups if there is too many people? Well, I know all the rehab kids always go to the other room and goof around a lot more. Well, Jennie gets up when they are splitting and goes over there. I was sitting there going.."Jennie, no! I don't want to go!" But of corse, followed anyways. Well, the whole time there was this guy sitting next to me that's in rehab but since I saw him in Ashcrafts once, he seems to think we're friends or something. He sits down next to me and between him and Jennie they spent the entire time laughing and joking under their breath. And then the guy kept mimicing everything i did which made me laugh too. I mean, outwardly I was laughing and joking but inwardly I was pissed off. So, it was a wasted meeting all in all. Then afterwards Jennie and I just hung out, went to the coffee house and the tridge (a local park). I would've rather just dropped her off though. Heck, I would've rather not even seen her. She called me though and her family is kinda wierd, her mom was yelling at me to come over and eat steak with them over and over so...I ended up going...."Do you want me to come over?" So, that's how that happened or I might've just said I wasn't doing anything. I have to keep going to the morning meetings though or I'm never going to get anything serious done if Jennie insists on going to the night meetings with me. I didn't mention anything about tomarrow. I'm gonna miss the noon meeting though, I really like that one. It's only Monday and friday though. sigh, anyways....I just wanted to write that. The meeting was crap and I didn't get anything from it, not like this morning. I'm really glad I got up and went. It kinda pulled me down hanging out with Jennie though. I need to get rid of her and Aaron. Aaron is pretty easy, he showed up today at my house and I just kinda blew him off. Jennie though, I've known for years. After I ditched her Friday I think she's getting that I'm serious about this. I don't want to take her to any more meetings though. I mean, she kept using sign language to me saying "Boring" like it was church or something. I don't know...I wish I could show what I was thinking. I went along with her and kinda rolled my eyes but inwardly I knew the meeting was basically over for me. It sucked.Like I said, I have a long way to go but I'm not going to give up this time.

Csmcjewl

Sigh, I'm not doing as I would have hoped. Jennie is coming with me for yet a second night. I need to stop answering the phone. We're going to Joe's Garage. I'm so sick of her. She calls me up, I don't invite her...she asks if I'm going and invites herself. It seems as though there is no answer to this problem except rudeness. I hate to be rude but....she just don't get it, I don't want her there! I'm too damn polite to tell her so though. Sigh, well...there isn't another noon meeting till Friday, it's a shame. I think I'm actually looking forward to that one. Tomarrow the only morning meeting is at 6:30am. I don't think so. There has got to be only like 2 people that show up for that. Sigh, tomarrow night is Averill again...the little hick town that makes ya talk. Maybe I'll go there. I don't know....I'm just frustertaed that Jennie is coming again. Went to the temp agency today. Man, I think I sweat more there when i took my drug test than I did in front of the Judge getting sentacned! I mean, I haven't done it in like 3-4 weeks but, I was still paranoid to actually take a drug test. Thankfully I passed though. Pot just isn't worth it. I already told Jennie to keep it away from me. The night I was falling off the picnic table and passed out on the kitchen floor was the last time I touched it. I don't need that, not my drug of choice. Anyways, So...that's today. I was out of spirits last night because I hung out with Jennie and it's going to be that way again, damnit. I want to be motivated again! I want to be excited to be sober! Not just hanging on by a thread, which is how I feel now...hell, I've already had thoughts of just giving in and going to the bar or something. I have to smack it out of my head...Jennie is definitly not good for my recovery. At all. Anyways, sigh...that's how things are....still sober but still spineless too....

CarolD

When I hung out with drinking friends...I eventually joined them. Always


How can you consider J. a friend when she burned you with a cigarette in the park?

Next time...stay in the meeting w/o the rehab group.

Keep strong Stacey... :shades:

Don S

Give yourself some credit, Stacey. You're still sober, and you are going to meetings. So you're not spineless. And you're doing something you said wasn't possible: staying sober around drinkers.

Congratulations on -- what is it now? 7 days?
The first 3 are always the hardest physically.
Don S

Csmcjewl

Thanks Don! I have a habit of beating myself up sometimes. The meeting was ok, despite Jennie being there. She's already asked about tomarrow...I don't really get why she even wants to go to these with me since she doesn't really care about recovering. She doesn't really care about anything really. I can't even get her to sit down to watch a movie because she just starts making fun of it and trying to get me to laugh. That's what she does ALL the time. And I don't really consider her a true friend, but at this point in recovery, she is the only friend I've got. I know she'll drift away, I always go through "phases" of friends. I never keep any too long because they are truly just drinking buddies. That's all Jennie is too...she is trouble with a capital T. But, at least I'm aware of it and keeping her at a distance. She doesn't try to get me to drink anymore...now I just need to get rid of her before she gets bored with the "new me" and decides to go back drinking. I think I'm just going to keep busy tomarrow and not answer the phone. I mean, the only thing is is that I don't have a job and I sit here all day and she knows it. I don't have the money for gas to just go driving around unless I have a specific purpose. I'm going to get off my lazy butt tomarrow and go roller blading too. And maybe, by the grace of God (please pray for me here!) I'll get a call about an interview or a job! I need a job....bad. Sigh, but....the only morning meeting tomarrow is at 6:30am....yeah, too early! But, ohoh...wait, there is a 10am meeting but it's like 30 min away. I'd like to go, I think it would be useful. ahhh, my stomach hurts. The real life...hehe, that would've normally been enough to make me drink. Ya know, the only problem I'm really having now is to remember to work the steps and not get into the same trap I was ya know? I was previously just staying sober for awhile. That's all I did...it's like, the "easy" way out ya know? But it kept failing me. Now I need to actually work the steps. I keep forgetting that and going through my days. Now that Jennie has been around a couple of days though and I feel myself being worn thin with her...I know the drink is coming soon if I don't do something about the current situation. Maybe I will get up and go tomarrow. I need it. Tomarrow is day 9...and it feels damn good.