Csmcjewl

Marilyn,
Sounds like you've got your hands full! It's always good to let your kids know what's up in your life. I don't have any of my own but, I do remember when I was a kid always wondering what was going on in my parents head. My dad used to hit me on a regular basis so...I always wondered how my mom let it go on. I realize now she was just in a desperate situation because she didn't think she could give us a decent life without my dad in the picture. Yucky, bill collections calling me. Anyways, it's day 3. BTW: Don't think that I have forgiven my mom for not doing anything, I only understand why she did what she did, not that I agree with it. I've been going to meetings everyday since I drank, things have been slowly looking up. Last night though I went to an out of town meeting in this little hick town about 10 minutes from here. (yeah, my town is small enough that another town is only 10 minutes away..hehe) But, it was a steps and traditions meeting that they went around this table and everyone talks. Well, it came to me and I was so nervous at the prospect of talking that I always get all flustered and resort to my script. That's what I call it anyways....here it is. "I started drinking when I was 15. I got arrested last September, have been trying to quit ever since. Once I had 27 days going but now I've only got 2. Next!" That's it. And here I am thinking Sweet, I finally admitted that I only had 2 days. Okok...someone help me...here we go. And everyone's like..."Keep coming back" and that's it...No one talked to me after the meeting, no one even attempted. So, then I was thinking back and I was like...I didn't ask for help. They all probrably just think I'm one of those people who are just checking out the meeting but not ready to quit yet because I didn't ask for help. Sigh....So, that's it for that meeting. Problem is...my time is running out. I know that if too many days go by with nothing, not even a conversation with someone. I will end up drinking again. And, I can tell you that if something profound doesn't happen, that will end up being Saturday. I only have myself right now, and I think I've proven that that doesn't work. I have the board..you guys...but as much as this is great to get it out there, it's not someone here, now ya know? It says in the big book that part of the start of recovery is to talk to someone and get it all out. Well, I feel like I've been bursting at ths seams here ready and willing to talk to someone and ask for help but....there doesn't seem to be anyone willing to listen. I can't just go up to some stranger and be like...Can I talk at you for awhile? My dad has spent my life talking at me, I can't do it to someone else. I've been hoping that maybe someone would ask me a couple of questions just so I could spill. I want to spill. I want to let it all out but there's no one there to listen. So, I hold it inside and the demon's eventually catch up with me and go...see, eveyone you know wants you to drink. Everyone else is drinking, why don't you? No one at those meetings cares about your sobriety, everyone is there for themselves. I know I can't do it alone but, alone is all I seem to be able to get. I can talk to my b/f but, he's not an alcoholic. I know deep down that for all his words of guidance, he doesn't Really understand. Aww well, so...that's where I'm at. Still bursting at the seems, dying to talk to someone. Dying to find a sponcer. Sigh.....but there just isn't anyone there. I wish I could just go into a meeting and be like...I started drinking because I don't like talking in groups. And now that I'm sober, I really don't like talking in groups because I know I do it much better drunk so...that's all I have. hehe...Ya know? What do I do if that's my problem? Sit and suffer in silence. That's what I've been doing for 7 months now. Trying to stop on my own....I'm sorry, I'm getting angry here. I'll stop....sigh...I can't give up. I want it so bad but I know I can't do it alone. If there isn't someone soon though, i know I can't hold out on my own forever. I just never make it. My anger gets the best of me and when I'm surrounded by people that love and care about me, but their all drinking. It makes me feel like they are the only one's who care and no matter if I want to be sober or not...I'm obviously wrong, so I end up drinking with them and pull back into my shell my thoughts of sobriety. Sigh....life is hard.

EvrWideninHeart

You know exactly what you need to do Stacey. If you go to the fair with your mom/aaron/jennie/f*kin mickey mouse, you'll drink.

And then you can come back here and write a nice long whiney journal entry about it. Some folks here are actually trying to stay sober. Have you ever thought that the way you play this message board might actually be harmful to others?

You pay lip service to the program but don't want to do the hard work. Once you admit that, you may be able to stay sober.

Otherwise you have three options: jail, insanity, or death.

PS I got sober at 23.

Kaibaby

I'm like you...I wish that there was some sort of magical CURE for this disease, but there isn't. We just have to keep plugging away at this thing, and if we're really lucky, one day, we'll "get it." A lady at a meeting Tuesday night was sharing about how greatful she was because she was 11 years sober...but she also said she was "in" the program for a whole year before she finally "got honest." Maybe that's it in a nutshell for me, at least...am I being honest --TOTALLY HONEST--with myself? Ya know? I really don't think so. Fact is, I love the effect I get when I drink. The Big Book even tells me that's why I keep doing it. But you know what else? Ever since last September when I went into treatment, that good, oblivion-bringing drunk has never been the same since. And I can see that all those hung-over days, parents finding empty bottles, slleping aways whole weekends...the consequences of my drinking are killing me AND the people that love me. Even tho' most people would say that my stint in rehab didn't do any good, well, I've got news for them--it DID me a WORLD of good, because it PLANTED THE SEED for me to finally get well. (Mine is just taking a little longer to grow.) I don't care if it takes forever, I REALLY WANT TO GET WELL. And they say that when you want something bad enough....I am still learning on a daily basis how to live, and I know I'm going to make SO MANY mistakes that have nothing to do with even getting drunk, but as long as I work these steps to the best of my ability, I will learn to cope---without taking that drink. What's the saying? "It's the FIRST drink that gets us drunk."

I don't know if I was able to help or not...but thanks for letting me share...

Love to you...

Kai

Csmcjewl

All,
Thank you Kaibaby. I get angry when I've been trying so hard for so long. I've spent nights curled up on the floor crying because I can't stop...and that was sober. I think about how to go about getting rid of everyone around me for hours. I lay awake almost everynight waiting to get to a meeting the next day. I want sobriety as much as anyone else does. I was brought up in a very non-traditional household that Never shared feelings. I was hit when I expressed my opinion. My b/f says that all I need to do is really talk at the meetings. Really open up. But, that's sooo hard for me. I'd like to open up to 1 person, ya know? Not a room full of strangers! Sometimes I have problems even telling my b/f of almost 4 years what I'm really feeling! I'll admit that that is my problem and that I need to work on it but, it certainly doesn't help me in recovery. I sat and read the big book last night for about an hour, that really helped.
EvrWideninHeart,
I'm sorry for whatever I do that doesn't help you. I was thinking that this board wasn't for only those who already have it, but for those who are still trying to get it. I feel you have condemed me to drinking Saturday night. This is a part of the program that is going to test me. Everyone going someplace that I used to go. I've been there for the past 3 years. I was hoping to get a little support in trying to change old habits because I know it's what I need to do. I come to this board crying out in desperation for some help in talking to someone face to face at a meeting. All I got from you EvWideninheart was the same thing I could've gotten from anyone else. Drink stacey drink, you know you want to. You know, you're just going to fail. Your message made me cry inside and that is not the support I need. I feel I am at my most desperate attempt to stay sober. I am at the point finally that I am willing to do anything. However, I come on here and say that and I get called a failure because I haven't done it sooner. Well, Thank You EvrWideninheart, you have showed me that no matter what, people are always willing to give up on me, as I am so close to giving up on myself as well.
Your comment pushed me back in recovery quite a bit. I feel it uncomfortable to share my thoughts and concerns about staying sober on here anymore. If I wanted to be told all I was gong to do is fail, I could talk to any one of my friends or family for that. I don't need it here. It hurts me to leave because I feel I really like this board for the support it does offer me when I need it at 5am or whenever I'm not at a meeting. So...I do not want to harm others recovery. Athough it hurts me, I will not return to this board. I hope I can find confidence and trust that I would expect from an alcoholics board somewhere else.
Goodbye

marilyn s

Dear Stacey,

Don't let this pea head EvrWideninHeart (stange he chose this name, doesn't sound to me like his heart is all that big) comments get you down. I see a lot of people who are so threatened by the difficulties of others, the only way they can deal with it is to lash out. I can see that you're working on all of this to the best of your ability. You are making steps in the right direction. The whole AA mentality wears on me sometimes. Principle before personality I like. The keep coming back motto I like. The unjudgemental attitude of most of the people I like. All we can do is to continue to try to get well, however and whatever it takes. I agree with Kai. I also agree with you, life is so hard. For us the trick is learning how not to make it harder on ourselves. You do have people here who listen to what you have to say, and care about you. I agree that a flesh and blood person is better, but maybe you're able to be more truthful writing on the boards this way. Reading about your struggles help me, I think we can all help each other.

Csmcjewl

Thank you....
I have spent the past hour or so laying in my bed thinking. Reading a little of the big book and talking to my old best friend in Tennessee who, when he lived here was my biggest and most understanding friend I've ever had. He moved because of a girl. He moved before I really started drinking but we've remained friends for the past 3 years on the phone. He's coming up here next month to stay with me for a few days. He says he's going to not allow me to drink and to "fix that problem of mine" hehe....I need people like him in my life. I would trust my life to him if he wanted me to. He gave me hope. You people give me hope, and you are right. I shouldn't give up just because of one indecent person. I am aware maybe I shouldn't go on about when I fail and I will not anymore. I understand that it could be making it difficult for others reading about how I failed, maybe making them want to fail. If I do fail again, which...let's pray I don't. I will not write alot about it and reserve that for my diary, ok? I am sorry if I hindered anyone else's recovery and I will try to stay on track with only writing when I have a real concern about something aa related. Otherwise, I will talk to my friend in Tennessee or hit a meeting or talk to my b/f about problems that don't directly deal with AA. Thank you again marilyn. I know there are people who like to read what I write and that helps too. I am 100X more honest and show everything I'm feeling on the boards. It's a 180 from in person, trust me. I'm very quiet but outgoing. If that makes sence. I have an outer shell that is very friendly and always smiling. But underneath it, my mood does not always match. I find it difficult to tell people how I really feel sometimes because it's so much easier to hide and agree. I've lived my entire life this way, it's a necessity to make it in my families household. Therefore, to break it is to almost become a different person. I think this is the part of aa I haven't really worked. I've been working so hard on just not drinking, I sometimes forget that it is more than that. It is a lifestyle change. I need to let the old me go and try to learn to open up more. Even if I never really change hiding my feelings, I hope I can open up enough at meetings to get what I feel out and get some help. That's what I need to do now before I fail again, always hiding my true feelings inside myself.

Kaibaby

....go anywhere! We ALL need you here! That's such a HUGE part of what AA is ---a bunch of drunks sharing their experience, strength, and hope with each other; what you have to say certainly helps me, and I know it helps others as well. If nothing else, it just helps to know that we're not alone. KEEP COMING BACK! We need you, and you need us! You can do this!
It will come to you, and it DOES come..."sometimes quickly, sometimes SLLOOWWWLY."

Love you, girlie!

(((((HUGS)))))

Kai:kisshug:

Don S

Hi, Evr,
This post was helpful--how? To Stacey, somehow? To you?

You have an amazing ability to predict the future! You know exactly what's going to happen to Stacey!
Here's a fact: not everyone who drinks heavily ends up in jail or insane, and we all end up dead. My mother's smoking has directly had far graver consequences than her lifetime of drinking. So, to your three miserable options I'd add:
poor quality of life with increasingly negative health effects,
OR
sobriety. That's the best option for most of us.

Maybe some posts that would help folks choose and achieve sobriety would be more productive. Congratulations on achieving sobriety at 23! How did you do it? What worked for you?

Stacey's posts are helpful to her, I assume, and are helpful to others here who are in similar situations. Reading them, I sense that she is dealing with other stressful issues in her life, which she might feel drinking helps to relieve; that she has a lot of drinking situations that are hard to avoid; that her family has possibly been a source of some of her stresses, feelings, and behaviors. I'm guessing there are others here who can relate to that. So posting about it and talking about it helps her, helps us, and maybe even (gasp!) helps you.

Don S

Csmcjewl

Don,
Yes, thank you. It does help me to get it out. I started out writing in my diary but, it's hard because you know you are the only one who is going to read it. In the program they say you can't do it alone, who why write to yourself? That was my theory at least. Everyone has stress in their life beyond drinking. When, like me, you use drinking as a stress relief, to try and stop but still have all the stress is a common trigger to make me go back out. It's easy to say F*** it and just call someone to drink. Ah, how easy it is to call someone to drink but so hard to call someone to Not drink. I have personally been getting increasingly anxious because I know I am known to fail in a situation such as this Saturday. I know I can just not go but, then I'll be miserable sitting at home while everyone else is out. I've tried and tried to convince myself that I don't need to be miserable, that I can do other stuff and have fun but...it remains that all of my friends drink. They will all be there and naturally, I want to have fun too. Sigh, so it becomes almost a nasty side effect that beer is always involved. I try to tell myself over and over, I can just go to a meeting Saturday night and then do something with my b/f. But either way, I know where my mind is going to be no matter how hard I try to not think about it. Eventually my b/f get's sick of me being quiet and just gets frusterated and tells me, "Why don't you just go and drink if it makes you so miserable not to?" ya know? And he has a point. Maybe I'm not ready to stop but, I know it's good for me and I know it's what I eventually need to do no matter what. So why not stop myself before it becomes too great a problem? It's really hard to convince myself that I don't want to be out with my friends having fun, watching a band I used to watch all the time ya know? Everything in me curses the beer that has to be present. I wish it wasn't. Aww well, it's all a part of the game of life I suppose. My mom is coming over...sigh, that's going to make it difficult to hit a meeting tonight. I'll have to see what i can do. Damn parents.

Don S

Hi, Stacey,
I'm just going to pick out a couple of things you said here.
"Everyone has stress in their life beyond drinking....I've been getting increasingly anxious because I know I am nown to fail in a situation such as this...."
"I'll be miserable sitting at home....I want to have fun too."
I think you can see that your drinking may be causing you some anxiety? I know my panic attacks melted away after I quit drinking.
Avoiding situations where I had drunk in the past was helpful to me in early sobriety, as I think it is to most people, but there are family and social situations that are hard to avoid. Planning for the urges you'll experience there (if you go) and practicing what you're going to say and do, can increase your chances of success.

But it really sounds to me as though you're giving yourself permission to drink already, if you choose to go. You've got a couple of days to think about this. Personally, I wouldn't go if I felt I was sure to drink, but if I'd built up my confidence and had my responses ready when drinks were offered to me--I might do it just to prove to myself (and others?) that my sobriety doesn't have to limit my social life. Give that some thought, and others here can suggest how they avoid drinking in similar situations.

It is possible to NOT drink around drinking friends and family (if I never visited my drinking family members, I'd never see most of my relatives!). It IS possible to have fun without drinking. I just got back from taking my kids and some friends to OzzFest (now THAT's an experience!). I can guarantee you I was having lots more fun than the folks who were drinking beer in 105F temperatures!

It is also possible to be home, sober, and not be miserable. It helps to have something else to occupy your time if you'd usually be drinking to alleviate boredom (writing here is a good start). Of course, going to a meeting might be a good way to occupy the time. But you haven't described those meetings as being very helpful to you; you've even mentioned drinking behavior immediately afterwards by you and your friends. And you've said that talking at the meetings makes you anxious. If I had waited to quit drinking until I could go to meetings regularly, I'd still be drinking....

So, here are my questions:
Can you go to this party and not drink? What would help you avoid drinking?
Can you stay home and not be miserable? What would help you not be miserable?
If you stayed home, and your friends and family were upset with you, is that really such a big deal?

And, what is the answer to your boyfriend's question? I'm not saying he's right; I think he was just expressing frustration. But it would be useful to have an answer, and we all face this question at one time or another: why DON'T you keep drinking if quitting makes you so miserable?
Because drinking makes you MORE miserable?
Because it isn't the quitting itself that makes you miserable, it's other things?
Because drinking doesn't really make anything better?

Talk to you soon, Stacey, and thanks for posting.
Don S

Csmcjewl

Don,
1. Can I go to this party and not drink?
Well, I think I can. But I've been proven that my own conceitedness will get me no where. No matter how much I think I won't drink, I"ll get there and loosen up and watch everyone else drinking and enevidibly give in myself. So, I guess....I feel like I can but so far I've proven myself wrong in the situations. I've spent about 4 months trying to stay in the situation without drinking and Always fail. It's rough though because I get angry at myself that I can't go and have a good time without drinking, ya know? I get angry that I have to make it such a big deal when I really wish it wasn't. I suppose that's the wish of alcoholics around the world though, isn't it?
2. What would help me avoid drinking?
Well, I used to think that if my b/f was with me, he would stop me from drinking. All that resulted in was a fight between us, Me telling him he couldn't tell me what to do. It never works unless I am feeling Very confident and almost angry with beer. Does that make sense? The only other way I've noticed I don't really have a problem is when the majority isn't drinking. Like when we go over to Aaron's house...he's the only one drunk and there are 3 of us that aren't. That usually curves the cravings enough to ignore it. Other than that, nothing.
3. Can I stay home without being miserable?
Well, normally yes, I mean...I have no job right now. I spend hour upon hour searching the internet and applying for jobs. I spend hours researching what I want to take at college this fall. Bike riding, rollerblading...etc..I mean, I can keep myself busy and not be too bad off. It only gets bad when I know people are going to pressure me, I want to go and I'm mad at myself that I know I shouldn't go because it'll get me into trouble. I'm sure this can't be uncommon. Don't people get mad at their disease and just wish it could go away? Even just for one night? I guess, I can live here Saturday night while everyone is there, but there is no doubt my mind will be on it and I haven't quite accepted having this disease yet. I still will it in my mind to go away, I'll deal with it when I'm older ya know? But I'm trying to be responsible and take care of myself now, before things go to hell in my life. Alcohol has caused enough problems.
4. What would help me not be miserable?
Well, I think I could convince others that are planning on going to the party to stay here and do something else but deep down, I'm just going to be thinking "They want to be there. They are just pitying me" ya know? I've already heard comments of "not being able to hold my liquor" That's why I'm staying away from it...sigh, people suck sometimes. I guess if my b/f and I were doing something else, that's always ok..good to spend quality time with the fiance. So, I know it could be ok not going, but I'm still going to wish I was there and wonder how much fun everyone is having without me. It's like grownding myself from the playground. hehe...I need to just try to not think about it and just accept it ya know? I need to just go...I can't go and that's that. Not dwell on the fun I'm "missing" or whatever. It's just hard being still in the "prime of partying" ya know?
5. If they were upset at me...?
Well, my family wouldn't be mad at me. They never get mad at anything. Like I said, they don't show emotion. They would probrably try to convince me to drink 1 beer and if that didn't work just shrug and go "you stupid" and that's about it. Well, my dad is here to help me fix my flat tire. If it works I can still hit a meeting tonight! I'll answer the rest later....I think that about covers it though...!

Peter

Thanks for sharing EvrwideninHeart.

Actually your post made me realize something important about some work I have been doing on Steps Eight and Nine because of an amend I need to make.

I can sometimes tend to waste time talking about the things I need to do instead of getting up off my heiney and doing it.

My sponse will be so proud of me.I think I can make that amend now.

The Jay Walker

wish I had something, enlightening to say,

I only know what works for me, I need to go to meetings, and share no matter how hard it may be.

I Read the Big Book,

I work with a sponsor,

I found activities to do with sober people in the program, I am way more active now than I ever was drinking.

I stick with the winners ( people who are sober and happy)

it may sound simple, and it is, but I have to wan't it, bad enough to do it,

it works if I work it.

Jay

Peter

Excuse me Jay...but if you had said anything more enlightening than that I would have had to put on sunglasses

Don S

Hi, Jay (and Peter),
Stacey has described meetings that don't sound very helpful to her, and has described what sounds like some social anxiety about speaking up in those meetings. Others here and at other forums have described situations where meetings have drawbacks. Young women in particular mention being hit on, or other uncomfortable situations.

Do either of you have suggestions for her and others for how to make progress on sobriety without going to meetings, if that isn't practical or productive? Are there ways to work AA without the meetings? I suspect this is a real obstacle for many people.

Don S

Csmcjewl

Don,
I would certainly agree. There have been two occaions when there have been people who have started talking to me. Both were guys who after talking to them for abit became obvious they didn't care at all about sobriety, only getting into my pants. That made me incredibly uncomfortable to go back being that the meetings are mostly always filled with men. I actually had an incident awhile back that I had 1 conversation with this guy in a group, where I picked up that he was kinda hitting on me but not activly and right before he left he gave me the "AA" hug and kissed me on the cheek! Talk about being taken back! I didn't know what to think but the guy never came back to a meeting since then. I don't mind going to the meetings but I have an entirely impossible time sharing due to anxiety about public speaking. I know this isn't uncommon. I didn't make a meeting tonight because of my stupid car, but I hung out with my parents and went to the fair where the beer tent from the dreaded Saturday will be. While we were there there was a huge pile of alcohol they were raffeling away and I was hearing jokes from my cousin's about who would buy more tickets, me or my cousin that just turned 21. It was frusterating to know they don't take me seriously but I tried not to let it bother me. I came home and talked to my b/f about it and he offered to take me to the movies (my other love) on Saturday if I don't go to the beer tent. So, things are looking up. And, I also have my first job interview tomarrow morning at 10am so...I'm getting to bed! Thanks for the insight and I look forward to some suggestions tomarrow!
Day 4, here we come!

The Jay Walker

Don

I have heard of other ways to stay sober, but all I know is what works for me.
I think that whatever road we chose, we must give it 100% to get the desired results. I can think of a hundred excuses to not work the program, but I wan't to stay sober more than anything else, that is why it is working,
I never said it was easy, just simple, I have sat through meetings with panic attacks,
I have walked to meetings,
I have broke down crying in meetings,
but I never drank in a meeting.
it was extremly hard for a lot of us, in the begining, but I was at a point were, I was WILLING to do anything, to stay sober.



Stacy

I have met some real creeps at meetings, all I did was stay away from them, and stick with the winners.
its working form me.
if you get to know a few of the winners, and are not comfortable sharing in the meetings, then they can help you one on one, or a sponsor can be a big help, for direction.

good luck, hang in there.

Jay

Csmcjewl

Hi!
I am on my way to my interview. I've interviewed for this job 4 times before. I'm never quite perky enough! At least that's all I can figure out. My b/f has worked there and his sister who is like the most unfriendly person I know! But, when she answered the phone, she was always perky and I used to make fun of my b/f for being so damn perky. hehe....so the key is...Perky Perky Perky...ug. I'm going to gag. I'm drinking coffee and I'm going to pretend I found $50 on the way in to the interview..hehe. Anyways, enough nonsence. I think I have "hit bottem" or whatever. I lay on the ground last week bawling and crying saying....whatever it takes. However, that was 4 days ago and reality is starting to sit in. It's hard to keep reminding myself. Whatever it takes..whatever it takes. When my disease is telling me...just one wouldn't hurt, it'll be ok! Sometimes I swear I feel like Gollum! Anyways, I'm going to scoot. Today should be interesting. I think another stupid problem I need to take care of is to stop taking Jennie with me to meetings. It only further inhibits me when the person I failed with is sitting next to me at a meeting. I can't sit there and go...She's the problem! Right there! I need to Not hang out with you! hehe...that would be great wouldn't it? But...anyways, tonight is pretty much a waste. Aaron, Jennie and my Mom are going. Sigh.....I'm not sure how that happened but...everyone knew I wasn't going to the fair until I hit the meeting so all of a sudden they're going with me?? Since when can't people entertain themselves for an hour!? Anyways, so...I have hopes for tomarrow personally, tonight is just ******** with all of my bad influences with me. I'm going to try my best to just ignore them and pay attention. Thanks....

Csmcjewl

Well....I don't think i got that one. I'm just not a damn perky person! It was for 3rd shift at a Hotel and the guy just kept hinting that it would be good if I had 3rd shift experience. And then gave me the ol' line "If you don't hear from us before Tuesday, assume the position has been filled." I'm like...damnit, I didn't get it. Well, or so I could assume. I had lied alot on that applicaton anyways. I didn't put down I was arrested, said I was in my 2nd year of college (due to last time I interviewed with the same guy, it was implied that I was overqualified.) So, I was all set this time. i told him I was taking time off and not going back for awhile when in fact, I'm taking a full load this fall and graduating in Dec. Sigh, people just can't handle the truth, it's a shame I have to lie about my college but...aww well. Doesn't seem to have worked out in my favor anyways. But, my cousin's g/f was working front desk and said she would put in a good word for me...we'll see. Well, it's a cold, rainy day. You know what? I am willing to do anything to stay sober. Anything, I don't know what I have been thinking about Saturday, I can't go! When did I think I could convince myself I could go!? Stupid Stupid Stacey. See, my disease wants me to mull this over and try and take the pressure but here, my head is like...dumbdumbdumb. You can't do that! So, yeah...as fun as I'm sure seeing my ol' band would be...I'm gonna have to pass on this one. I DO want to stay sober and I am willing to do ANYTHING to get it. Thanks.

Csmcjewl

Well, I just went to the 12pm meeting. That was quite interesting. I went there and I've never been to any meeting in the daytime before but there were like 30 people there! It was crazy! But, it was wierd because going to meetings seperates the alcoholic Stacey from the sobriety Stacey. There was part of the time I was sitting there like...Wow, there is so much love in this room and it was like I could feel something inside me that I haven't really felt before. It was hope and security and relief. I was just sitting there thinking...All these people in this room, they don't drink. They are bikers, bargoers, etc....and they don't drink. One of the things I've been dealing with when reading so much of the big book is that it all seems so churchy. I started to get this opinion that in order to be sober and in AA, you had to be a bible thumper. Well, I know that's not true. But, then at the meeting someone was saying how they were around alcohol and just the smell of it made them get up and move at this baseball game and I felt something flare up inside me. I was thinking...what do you mean? You're here because you love beer so much that you can't take it! And then I started getting these evil thoughts of...Look at all these pathetic people, just tourturing themselves, denying themselves the pleasure of having a beer with their burger. So what if ya get drunk once in awhile? As long as you're having fun right? These people donate their lives to sitting around these tables complaining and moaning that they can't drink alcohol. Well, what's stopping them?? Well, then about 20 minutes went by and a new train of thought came in...They do this because it caused their lives havoc. Because they couldn't take it anymore. Then I decided to settle on...well, even if I don't agree with the old man with like 60 years sober and his beer bashing, well...that's ok. Everyone has to do it differently I suppose. But then I started thinking about my own life and the fact that I haven't renewed my checkbook or gotten a new debit card (I lost the one I had when I was drunk) in about 6 months because the bank told me if I bounce my account one more time their dropping me, yeah...that's in control. I bounced my account so many times writing checks for money that wasn't there, or that I "hoped" would be in there on time for alcohol, the bank doesn't even trust me anymore! So, then I started to understand....I think I've got it all under control, I think I'm ok but why do I end up in tears every time I drink? Why do I feel so sad each time I fail? The alcoholic in me tells me it's because I'm being brainwashed at the meetings to feel bad when I drink but, inside I know it's just because I know I didn't devote everything to the program and I failed because I wasn't giving my all. So, all in all...it was good meeting. It helps me to feel secure and loved without having to worry about lying and decieving like I do when i'm drinking. It's day 4 and I know I'm sober for today. I'm glad i went. lol....I was pissed off at the end though when I realized it was 1pm and the meeting was over. I was there like...Now what? I go home and sit there for the next 7 hours till the 8pm meeting? What do I do with myself now? You're leaving me alone!? Some friends you are! hehe....I just laughed at myself and got into my car.....I have a long way to go but I think i'm finally starting to get it.