"Naomi"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
"Naomi"
This may be a bit longer than most of my posts, but please read!
I was sober for 5 years when my husband and I decided after much thought to start into the adoption process. This had been a dream of mine for years, to help out a child that was in the system.
It took 2 years before we were matched with an adorable little girl named Naomi. We were all so happy. Our 4 children living at home and my husband were ready, it was not at all unlike getting prepared to have a baby.
Everything started out well, Naomi seemed to fit right in from the beginning. She began calling us Mommy, Daddy, Brothers and Sister from the get go.
Within a couple of weeks things changed, none of which were her fault. We found out that she had experienced satanic ritual abuse. Had severe attachment dissorder and the list goes on.
When we had started into the process we specifically said that we could not bring in any severe behavorial problems due to the fact that we already had tour 4 other children living at home.
Over the next few months the therapist came in 2 X a week to our home. I read book after book trying to figure out how to best help Naomi. It seemed like the more I tried the worse things got.
I try not to be bitter, but I felt like my husband quit trying. He was always mad at her and me to the point that I told him that if I had to choose between he or Naomi it would have to be Naomi, because I was not going to put her back into the system. Things went on for another two months like this and the whole family was walking on egg shells.
Finally after 5 months we decided to have her put back in foster care. Naomi, my daughter Kaylee and I could hardly stand it. So we called the social worker and decided to give it another shot.
At 6 months time Naomi left. My husband, Kaylee, my mom and I had to bring her with all her belongings to her new foster home with her crying all the way. Please Mommy and Daddy I will be good, I promise. It was beyond the most heart wrenching thing I have ever experienced.
I began drinking at that time after 7 sober years and continued drinking for 3 years befor quiting last February. I was so resentful towards my husband and blammed him for everything. My daughter Kaylee became anorexic and was hospitalized for three months due in part to the trama she experienced through this.
Now at 4 monts sober I am finally letting myself grieve. It hurts so badly, and I feel like such a failier. Mommies are not supposed to abandon there children. It hurts so badly some days I am not sure I can handle it. It was easier to not feel anything and to be numb from the alcohol. I MISS NAOMI and that makes me feel selfish because she is now in a good home being raised as an only child which is what she needed.
I had to share this with all of you, even if you now think of me as an awful person, I just had to share.
I was sober for 5 years when my husband and I decided after much thought to start into the adoption process. This had been a dream of mine for years, to help out a child that was in the system.
It took 2 years before we were matched with an adorable little girl named Naomi. We were all so happy. Our 4 children living at home and my husband were ready, it was not at all unlike getting prepared to have a baby.
Everything started out well, Naomi seemed to fit right in from the beginning. She began calling us Mommy, Daddy, Brothers and Sister from the get go.
Within a couple of weeks things changed, none of which were her fault. We found out that she had experienced satanic ritual abuse. Had severe attachment dissorder and the list goes on.
When we had started into the process we specifically said that we could not bring in any severe behavorial problems due to the fact that we already had tour 4 other children living at home.
Over the next few months the therapist came in 2 X a week to our home. I read book after book trying to figure out how to best help Naomi. It seemed like the more I tried the worse things got.
I try not to be bitter, but I felt like my husband quit trying. He was always mad at her and me to the point that I told him that if I had to choose between he or Naomi it would have to be Naomi, because I was not going to put her back into the system. Things went on for another two months like this and the whole family was walking on egg shells.
Finally after 5 months we decided to have her put back in foster care. Naomi, my daughter Kaylee and I could hardly stand it. So we called the social worker and decided to give it another shot.
At 6 months time Naomi left. My husband, Kaylee, my mom and I had to bring her with all her belongings to her new foster home with her crying all the way. Please Mommy and Daddy I will be good, I promise. It was beyond the most heart wrenching thing I have ever experienced.
I began drinking at that time after 7 sober years and continued drinking for 3 years befor quiting last February. I was so resentful towards my husband and blammed him for everything. My daughter Kaylee became anorexic and was hospitalized for three months due in part to the trama she experienced through this.
Now at 4 monts sober I am finally letting myself grieve. It hurts so badly, and I feel like such a failier. Mommies are not supposed to abandon there children. It hurts so badly some days I am not sure I can handle it. It was easier to not feel anything and to be numb from the alcohol. I MISS NAOMI and that makes me feel selfish because she is now in a good home being raised as an only child which is what she needed.
I had to share this with all of you, even if you now think of me as an awful person, I just had to share.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I don't think you're an awful person. My heart goes out to you. I've never cried reading anyone's story before, but yours did it. Prayers going out to you, toomuch. Tender ((((HUGS)))) too.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Toomutch all things happen for a reason, many times we will never know what the reason was, but we have to work through it. No judgement here, who am I to judge!
We took in a young man whose mom is a raging alcoholic and drug addict, her husband was in and out of jail for everything under the sun including domestic violence which happened in front of him a lot. He was in and out of the sytem a lot and we were more then willing to raise him, but his mother could not stay away, she showed up at our front door many times so drunk she could hardly walk at all hours of the day and night, his dad was just as bad...... then you throw in the threatening phone calls to me when he would get really drunk which were always followed by calls of I'm sorry!
We were lucky to find his grandmother in California. He did cause a lot of problems in our home due to him suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome, but all of our hearts were crushed when we sent him to his grandmothers...... We still wonder if we did the right thing sometimes, but the last time I saw his mom I know we did.
Were we wrong? In some peoples eyes we were, but they were not in our shoes. You all gave your heart and home to a child that needed to be an only child, her time with you all may have been just the right amount of time for the right home to show up for her.
We took in a young man whose mom is a raging alcoholic and drug addict, her husband was in and out of jail for everything under the sun including domestic violence which happened in front of him a lot. He was in and out of the sytem a lot and we were more then willing to raise him, but his mother could not stay away, she showed up at our front door many times so drunk she could hardly walk at all hours of the day and night, his dad was just as bad...... then you throw in the threatening phone calls to me when he would get really drunk which were always followed by calls of I'm sorry!
We were lucky to find his grandmother in California. He did cause a lot of problems in our home due to him suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome, but all of our hearts were crushed when we sent him to his grandmothers...... We still wonder if we did the right thing sometimes, but the last time I saw his mom I know we did.
Were we wrong? In some peoples eyes we were, but they were not in our shoes. You all gave your heart and home to a child that needed to be an only child, her time with you all may have been just the right amount of time for the right home to show up for her.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I think crying can be cathartic. You've been holding all this in for so long and trying to numb the pain with alcohol. We both know that doesn't work. It sounds to me like you really tried with Naomi, but, in the interest of your whole family, you had to let her go. That is understandable...and you said that she went to a good home as an only child, which is what she needed. You can feel good about that. I hope you daughter, Kaylee is doing better now. My daughter had a bout with anorexia, too. Even though they may get past the worst of it, it still lies just under the surface, just like alcoholism.
Are you attending AA meetings, or do you have a personal therapist you can talk to? Now that the feelings have surfaced, perhaps it's time to get some professional help to deal with them.
Once again, my heart goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself. :praying
Are you attending AA meetings, or do you have a personal therapist you can talk to? Now that the feelings have surfaced, perhaps it's time to get some professional help to deal with them.
Once again, my heart goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself. :praying
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I understand, but keep it in mind. I don't personally attend AA either, but I know it has helped countless people. I do have a personal therapist, and if you can find one you really trust, they can be invaluable when you need to talk to someone. Of course, SR is always here, 24/7 and we do care about you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
TM
I was adopted at age 3. I can relate there. I have also worked for decades with families with similar experiences.
Adopting a child into an already large, functioning family must be a process of addition, not subtraction. Filling a need within yourself cannot be at the expense of others.
Although it is tragic to say, some children really are "damaged goods." It makes them no less special, but they deserve and require very special families. Families that know exactly what they are getting into. I have seen many instances in which people have adopted children from Eastern Europe and Russia that have turned into horror stories because of the terrible histories of these kids. And the families were never told.
There are no right decisions or no wrong decisions in cases such as these. Only painful decisions. Altruism can turn tragic. We look for someone to blame. But the perpetrators are long gone. These children don't need a home, they need a very, very special home. People with training and access to medical and professional resources. People with a calling.
Great share, Suzette. I hope it is the beginning of the healing for you. I always knew you were a special person, but didn't know quite how special.
I'm here if you would like to chat.
warren
I was adopted at age 3. I can relate there. I have also worked for decades with families with similar experiences.
Adopting a child into an already large, functioning family must be a process of addition, not subtraction. Filling a need within yourself cannot be at the expense of others.
Although it is tragic to say, some children really are "damaged goods." It makes them no less special, but they deserve and require very special families. Families that know exactly what they are getting into. I have seen many instances in which people have adopted children from Eastern Europe and Russia that have turned into horror stories because of the terrible histories of these kids. And the families were never told.
There are no right decisions or no wrong decisions in cases such as these. Only painful decisions. Altruism can turn tragic. We look for someone to blame. But the perpetrators are long gone. These children don't need a home, they need a very, very special home. People with training and access to medical and professional resources. People with a calling.
Great share, Suzette. I hope it is the beginning of the healing for you. I always knew you were a special person, but didn't know quite how special.
I'm here if you would like to chat.
warren
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Welcome to SR toomutch!
I'm glad you found us and feel safe enough here to share your healing journey with us. We do care. Let us share it with you, you are never alone.And by the way, congrats on your sober time thru what sounds like a very intense emotional time for yuo and your family. Does your husband support your sobriety?
I'm glad you found us and feel safe enough here to share your healing journey with us. We do care. Let us share it with you, you are never alone.And by the way, congrats on your sober time thru what sounds like a very intense emotional time for yuo and your family. Does your husband support your sobriety?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Although I knew it would hurt, I had absolutely no idea how posting about Naomi would make me feel. Shortly after posting I began throwing up and developed a splitting headache.
Can anyone relate to this? Or am I just messed up?
Can anyone relate to this? Or am I just messed up?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
S
I am no medical or psych professional, so take my words for what they are--conjecture.
We push stuff down. We push it down over years. Sometimes decades. I remember my mother, at age 70, telling me that she had been abused by her father. Probably the first time she spoke about it. I was floored and filled with admiration for her. What courage.
We deal with this crap in different ways. Some of us turn to alcohol. Push it down. Keep it down.
It strikes me as not unusual that your physical reaction would be to purge. You no longer have the alcohol to keep it down there. It has to go somewhere. I see it as very healthy. Perhaps you are finally getting "rid" of it. I know enough to know that physical symptoms can often be a GPS to the soul.
We purge what is poison. By your courageous post, you may have finally pushed the demon from his nest within. Vomiting could be your body's way of showing you that.
I suggest that you view it as healthy. A cleansing of sorts. A renewal. The beginning of the healing. That's how I would view it if it were me.
Sometimes how we look at things determines what they are. My arrest was pure trauma. I could have let it bury me once and for all. I decided to let it be a rebirth. A turning point.
Perhaps you can choose how to look at your reaction. As a sign of hope rather than something to fear. And maybe you would benefit by seeking help in that process. Just another speculation.
your nonexpert friend,
warren
I am no medical or psych professional, so take my words for what they are--conjecture.
We push stuff down. We push it down over years. Sometimes decades. I remember my mother, at age 70, telling me that she had been abused by her father. Probably the first time she spoke about it. I was floored and filled with admiration for her. What courage.
We deal with this crap in different ways. Some of us turn to alcohol. Push it down. Keep it down.
It strikes me as not unusual that your physical reaction would be to purge. You no longer have the alcohol to keep it down there. It has to go somewhere. I see it as very healthy. Perhaps you are finally getting "rid" of it. I know enough to know that physical symptoms can often be a GPS to the soul.
We purge what is poison. By your courageous post, you may have finally pushed the demon from his nest within. Vomiting could be your body's way of showing you that.
I suggest that you view it as healthy. A cleansing of sorts. A renewal. The beginning of the healing. That's how I would view it if it were me.
Sometimes how we look at things determines what they are. My arrest was pure trauma. I could have let it bury me once and for all. I decided to let it be a rebirth. A turning point.
Perhaps you can choose how to look at your reaction. As a sign of hope rather than something to fear. And maybe you would benefit by seeking help in that process. Just another speculation.
your nonexpert friend,
warren
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Thank you for sharing this Toomuch. That was a really brave thing to do, and I think necessary too. I'm a "stuffer". If we don't get this stuff out, the reasons why we numbed ourselves with alcohol, we'll pick up again.
Big hugs,
Karen
Big hugs,
Karen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Before I had my son and got sober I would of read your post and thought nothing of it. I was drinking, and would of either not cared much for your situation, or called you a worthless quitter. And thinking these horrible things I would of more than likely of been drunk or hung over.
Then two things happened in my life.
A) I had my son.
B) I surrendered to alcohol and finally my self-will.
A funny thing happened. I developed feelings. I actually cared for others.
I cannot even fathom what you went through. You hear often in the rooms of AA, ("Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.") But then you read stories like yours and can't help to think "Hey God!!! WTF?!?"
Then after some more thought, I believe that in fact nothing does happen in Gods world by mistake. We are not always provided with the luxury of knowing why things happen good or bad, (at least not right away.) Everything happens for a reason whether we are privy to knowing it or not.
A while back I read a book by Dr. Paul O. who wrote "Acceptance Is The Answer" in the BB, called "You Can't Make Me Angry". Dr. Paul told the story of a fellow AA'er woman who lost her only son to murder, and her daughter was a drug addict. She had no idea where she was.
He explained that she was one of the most serene and strongest people he knows. That being said, people can handle any situation that comes there way.
I'm sure you have a heart of Gold. I'm also sure that you were doing God's Will. But if you don't have the resources to be able to handle a tragic PTSD (and/or other developmental disabilities) in this poor child, then you just simply can't.
It doesent mean you are a failure and it doesent mean you are a bad person. Perhaps God did what he/she did because Naomi needed inpatient treatment and many different types of help and resources that you can not simply provide. Who knows? God.
Your story tugged at my heart strings, and my prayers will go out to you, Naomi, and the rest of your family. Use the tools of AA and ANYTHING is possible!!!
Tom
Then two things happened in my life.
A) I had my son.
B) I surrendered to alcohol and finally my self-will.
A funny thing happened. I developed feelings. I actually cared for others.
I cannot even fathom what you went through. You hear often in the rooms of AA, ("Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.") But then you read stories like yours and can't help to think "Hey God!!! WTF?!?"
Then after some more thought, I believe that in fact nothing does happen in Gods world by mistake. We are not always provided with the luxury of knowing why things happen good or bad, (at least not right away.) Everything happens for a reason whether we are privy to knowing it or not.
A while back I read a book by Dr. Paul O. who wrote "Acceptance Is The Answer" in the BB, called "You Can't Make Me Angry". Dr. Paul told the story of a fellow AA'er woman who lost her only son to murder, and her daughter was a drug addict. She had no idea where she was.
He explained that she was one of the most serene and strongest people he knows. That being said, people can handle any situation that comes there way.
I'm sure you have a heart of Gold. I'm also sure that you were doing God's Will. But if you don't have the resources to be able to handle a tragic PTSD (and/or other developmental disabilities) in this poor child, then you just simply can't.
It doesent mean you are a failure and it doesent mean you are a bad person. Perhaps God did what he/she did because Naomi needed inpatient treatment and many different types of help and resources that you can not simply provide. Who knows? God.
Your story tugged at my heart strings, and my prayers will go out to you, Naomi, and the rest of your family. Use the tools of AA and ANYTHING is possible!!!
Tom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Thank you al so much for your responses to my post. Thank you for all the prayers for Naomi, my family and I.
Signal- could you tell me a bit more about the book you read? It sounds interesting and as if it may be something I should read. BTW your son is absolutely precious.
Signal- could you tell me a bit more about the book you read? It sounds interesting and as if it may be something I should read. BTW your son is absolutely precious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Forgive me for keeping on about this.
I'm almost wishing that I had not posted this. My day has been terrible ever since, i just can't let it go. How long will this continue?
I am not looking for sympathy but answers, and I guess I am inpatient along with selfish and bitter.
Signal mentioned that sometimes things happen that make you think WTF God!
I guess I have been thinking that for the last 3 years. I was a regular church attender as well as a Sunday school teacher. After Naomi left I can count on one hand the number of times I attended church. I knew in my heart that the lord called upon me to adopt! Then how on earth could he have let things fall apart the way they did?
I'm almost wishing that I had not posted this. My day has been terrible ever since, i just can't let it go. How long will this continue?
I am not looking for sympathy but answers, and I guess I am inpatient along with selfish and bitter.
Signal mentioned that sometimes things happen that make you think WTF God!
I guess I have been thinking that for the last 3 years. I was a regular church attender as well as a Sunday school teacher. After Naomi left I can count on one hand the number of times I attended church. I knew in my heart that the lord called upon me to adopt! Then how on earth could he have let things fall apart the way they did?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
By your generous action of giving Naomi a home
you did follow your heart and His wishes.
It was a special time for all of you
and served a greater purpose
allowing time for Naomis transistion to her final home.
I see this as you and your family were a positive channel.
Blessings as you continue to recover....
you did follow your heart and His wishes.
It was a special time for all of you
and served a greater purpose
allowing time for Naomis transistion to her final home.
I see this as you and your family were a positive channel.
Blessings as you continue to recover....
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