plulu

Soooo I fell face first off the wagon and it hurts........I havent been to AA yet.....been to the parking lot a couple times LOL. I have been mostly sober for a couple weeks.....
This weekend was busy, I almost want to say it was stressful, but it wasn't. There was just a lot going on.
My brother had been in prison for drug charges and he was released to the halfway house. It's wonderful to have him home. He still has some more counseling, another drug class etc which he says has really changed how he looks at himself and at life. I'm proud of him. Ironically, prison saved him. I completely expect him to stay clean after all the crap he's been through......I never viewed my drinking as the same thing he was going through. But it is the same and I feel like I am not supporting him properly by continuing to use.
We had some other family here in town, Fathers Day etc.......
I'm not sure what triggers things in me. Just change in general seems to do it. Good or bad......it doesnt matter, I just seem to want to drink. I feel uncomfortable around people when I have a hangover and soooo I just want to drink more as the evening comes around.....I cant wait to get home, open a beer and sit on my patio. One beer would be fine, but it turns into every beer in the house and I'm waking up the next day still in my clothes and dreading having to face people. The worse part is I drank alone this weekend......
I look in the mirror and I dont see an "alcholic" I look "normal", I'm in good shape, eat right blah blah blah........ but I feel like dog crap and I cant believe the things I do to myself.
Here it is Monday, I'm sitting at my desk, feeling like Hell, going to great efforts to appear cheerful and "with it". Trying to correct some of the damage done this weekend, drinking coffee, taking some vites, drinking a bunch of water feeling like a total tool. Why oh why havent I learned???

HeavyJ

PluPlu,

I've been there, I read somewhere in these posts, that you need to avoid the first drink. I've been struggling lately with wanting that first drink. I try to justify it by any excuse I can find. Believe me I love having a beer on the patio, but that also turns into every beer in the house, then whisky on the rocks, then just forget the rocks, I can sneak a shot here and there. It never ever works!
I just try to avoid that first drink. If I have to, I go for the odouls (Or how ever you spell that)...

Get back on the wagon with us friend!

heavy..

TorontoGuy28

Yup, been there too man... I heard someone mention "play the tape to the end" at a meeting... For me one beer turns into as many as I can possibly drink, and at the end of the tape, I am sloshed, hungover and with a black out...

Clean yourself up, get to a meeting.

least

I too keep wondering why I'm not learning from my constant relapses. I can't count how many times I've said "never again" only to do it again. But what counts is that you keep trying. It takes some of us a long time to get and stay sober, but keep trying. With support you can do this.:ghug3

BackToSquareOne

Play the tape to the end, that brings to mind a visualization technique that I started using. When the urge to drink rears its ugly head I visualize myself in withdrawal, sick, shaking and sweating, unable to sleep etc. etc. and ask myself if this is what I really want.

CarolD

Glad to see your drinking did not kill you .

I've had 26 drinking friends die
to unchecked alcoholism since I quit.

You might want to talk to your
clean and sober brother for input.

....for you .... to your sucessful brother

plulu

CarolID......that is so sad and truly scary. 26 friends.....
I think I like to drink alone.....I cant believe I'm saying this......because then no one will judge me on how much I'm drinking. I can get completely plowed.......and I guess I just never thought that one drink, at the end of the nite, when I'm already sick and have probably puked, just might be too many drinks. Death had not crossed my mind. The past few weeks have been a strange unfolding of emotions and truths that make me sick.
I used to tell myself "well you arent drinking and driving so youre safe at home.....it's cheaper to stay home..." but the truth is, I just dont want anyone to know and its really not safe in any way.
Anyway, thanks for always replying

Oddman

I come back to this board every 30-60 days. In the time between, I continue drinking. I don't know why. This past week I took my beer into the shower with me, since I had already 4 empty cans on the counter, and it becomes hard to justify a fifth, or 10th beer to my family. I have been kicking around the idea of sobriety for a couple years now. Hvae not been to a meeting. Did talk to my wife, and that solved nothing. I'm back to drinking just as much. I want to stop. It's so strange, while drinking, all I can think about is stopping, and when I'm sober, all I can think about is getting a beer. This is ridiculous. Drinking has been an integral part of my life for 14+ years now. My goodness. I never know when I'll come back to this board, but when I do, I read stories that are almost exactly like mine. It gives me hope?

Texasblind

26!?!?! Good lord that's a lot. Gives me strength. I think I'll go to a meeting tonight.

Thank you Carol.