HeavyJ

My wife comes from a beer loving fun time family. I have recently proven that I should no longer drink, I also come from a beer loving social family, however I seem to crave the hard liquor and it does not do me any good. She thinks that my quitting is great, and it will save my life. I'll be a better husband and father etc.. The problem is that she will continue to drink, she can handle one or two, she doesn't get loaded or anything. It just seems very tempting to me.. Is this feeling wrong? i guess I'm writing because it bothers me a little that I can't have just one..

Heavy..

Ananda

I often struggle with feelings about my son...who lives with me..drinking despite the fact that he supports my recovery. It can be tough. You are not WRONG to feel what you feel. It is a fact tht you feel this way....I have talked to my son, and together we have decided on ways to decrease the stress on me. He doesn't engage in conversations with me when he has been drinking and all alchohol is kept in a portion of the house I don't go to. He has only broke the rule once in 11 months...so I feel pretty good about it. I realize a spouse is a little different, but if any of my experience can give you some ideas...just thought i'd share. thx

least

I'm single for the last ten years so don't even have that problem, and glad I don't. That would be such a temptation and a bother to have someone drinking right in the same house.

tommyk

Just curious... does she know how you feel?

(I once had a significant other who drank... kissing her was the taste of alcohol.)

gravity

My wife drinks occassionally. It doesn't tempt me but I do feel some slight resentment and a bit of anger. It's losing it's power over time. Just something I have to accept. I'm the alcoholic, not her.

Klynn33

that's a hard one....on one hand - I would want whoever I was with to be completely supportive of my decision to quit and be willing to do whatever that requires., but on the other hand I've heard you have to be able to be around situations like that and be strong enough to control yourself. Like Tommy said, (he's so wise....) tell her how you feel. maybe just her stopping around you for awhile until you're stronger would be a help.

Tommyh

my wife is a drinker.She drinks very little,but she drinks.God has removed my alcohol problem and I am not tempted to drink.One smell of the licker on her breathe makes me wanna puke...
she is definitely not one of us
she gets a drink,and drinks it down fairly fast.She gets another,one hr later it is half done.She pours it out..
she`s a cheap drunk I tell her
what a waste

DKS

My husband is a raging alcoholic, and his drinking and my drinking was ruining our lives and the lives of our children. We both quit drinking together in 2004 but he relapsed after a couple of months and I ended up relapsing after 10 months. It was really bothering me to watch him drink and I really started to crave the alcohol again after a while. I finally convinced myself that I could just drink on special occassions, then just on weekends, then was back to nightly drinking within a matter of weeks. We both admitted our drinking problem to our family therapist in May 2006 and we quit drinking together again in June 2006. He has relapsed several times since then, but I've told him (and our therapist agrees) that there is no way I can stay in this marriage if he goes back to drinking again. He stopped for the last time after I caught him drinking again a little over 6 months ago, and he hasn't had a drink since. I'm hoping he can maintain his sobriety for the long term now, because I don't ever want to go back to that miserable lifestyle again.

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...

I have no experience to share on your topic
I've been happily divorced for years.

however I did see you are making a distinction
between beer and liquor.

According to the Center for Disease Control...
on wine...beer...liquor
I was not certain if you knew this information.

Blessings to you and your family

Sheemie

My wife drinks. Just tonight she told me she was going out with her friends after work tomorrow and she needed money for drinking at the bar. I felt happy for her because after all the years of her not being able to do that because she was looking after me, now she can. She's not an alcoholic, and it would be selfish of me to deny her of something she occasionally enjoys. She is sensitive of my alcoholism and doesn't drink if its the two of us alone, but does if we're with friends. The only time I get bothered is when we're with a group of people and I'm the only one not drinking, I get so bored. Sometimes I excuse myself and just leave, and she's cool with that.

sailorjohn

If you're writing about it I would venture to guess that it's bothering you more than 'just a little'. IMO, one of the keys to sobriety is acceptance. Admitting you have a 'problem' will get you to stop, accepting that you have a problem frees you from the obsession. My last road trip-5 years-started with, among other things, the ex telling me that 'you can't drink' with a stupid little smirk on her face. I was probably thinking at the time, 'the f**k I can't' , and I did, before we left for home, I walked down to the little general store about 1/4 mile from the airport and walked up to the cooler and took out the beer, $2 for a bottle of Red Stripe.


I had been dry for well over a decade, but I could never accept the fact that I am an alcoholic. I'm not sure how I would handle your situation, myself, I avoid as much as possible wet places and occasions. I attend the xmas party where alcohol is served, I don't go to the Rum Party at the regatta. I have no business attending drinking parties, or going to bars, there really is nothing for me there. Like the man said, if you hang out at the barber shop long enough you'll end up with a haircut. Good luck.

Russelrb

I guess I think of it as something akin to an allergy to something like peanut butter. Most folks can eat peanut butter without any problems...no adverse affects. On the other hand it can be deadly to those who cannot tolerate it. For me booze is like that no matter what form. I drink it and I will be sick, and the sickness is addiction and the addiction will eventually ruin my life and kill me. When I think of it that way it is easier to avoid the allergy. Like bballdad the mere thought of it revolts me. And to tell you the truth I am happy about that.

nanita

I am a married alcoholic. Between my husband and I, we have 5 daughters and 3 son-in-laws, all of whom drink in our house. My husband has an occasional beer, maybe 2 or 3 over the course of a weekend, never on weekdays. I'm just now trying to regain sobriety; however, it has nothing to do with anyone else drinking in my home. It's all stress related from an outrageous amount of company every w/e. We have an agreement -- if his or anyone else's drinking bothers me the slightest little bit, all alcohol will immediately be banned from the house and he will immediately quit drinking. As long as it isn't an issue for me, it's allowed. So far, it's worked well. The company-related stress I experience is now being banned as well. We're reorganizing the way our family "uses" me for 3 meals a day every weekend, etc. Perhaps you and your wife can come up with similar solutions to help you! Good luck!

ROFL

I've been mostly sober for 5 months. My husband is an alcoholic that does not have any interest in recovery for himself or for me. It has definately put a strain on our relationship but I'm trying hard to keep it together. After all, we wer both alcoholics when we met! It's not HIS fault I realized I was killing myself.

But here's what he did to me last night:

I had just come home from a networking "happy hour" at which I was spectacular -socializing WITHOUT drinking. He asks me, "would you like a chablis?" I REALLY DID want one (though Chardonnay not Chablis - the idiot doesn't even know what kind of wine I drank), and I knew we didn't have any but I said "yes please". He said "no wine for you". So I said, "then a beer will do". Fully meaning it. He said "we don't have any", then got one out for himself, opened it, and drank it in front of me.

I'm really struggling having an alcoholic husband when I'm trying to recover.

Rimmy

My wife drinks 3 - 5 Bud Lights a night. It was very difficult to get past this when trying to quit, especially when she did not understand my problem. She would encourage me to just drink like her... oh how many times I tried. She'd leave cold ones in the fridge... oh the damn temptations.

It was only when I decided that I really did want to quit (not just needed to) that her drinking pretty much stopped bothering me. I get my cravings... There's one cold one in the fridge now (8:20 am) and a few months back, it would have been gone already. Now, I move it aside and drink some juice.

It's not your place to tell her what to do, but it's not her place to make you feel uncomfortable. I hope you can find a happy medium.

four812

wow ... some very good personal experiences here for you to draw from HEAVY

my girlfriend drand last night. and it's was my third day clean. when I saw the beer I immediately felt sorry for myself because I can't get a little buzz. one doesn't interest me, but 3 or 6 does. lots of emotions started rolling through my body, and thoughts poured through my brain. I felt abandonded, rejected, alone, and deficient (not as strong or healthy as her). These are the feelings that she has experienced a thousand times more than me for the last 3 years. She came to me in the bedroom and made an effort to talk, she was doing good things around the house, and she was having a nice release from the stressed that are in her li8fe (i am one of the big ones). I shared my reaction with her, just my feelings. I didn't condemn her with the non-drinker rightous stuff or demanding you stop stuff. I had the feelings. I was very insecure. she expressed little empathy for me and that hurt me, and was turned off by my "neediness", which has been a problem lately.

I stayed home instead of escaping to a meeting or to YOGA, and I mowed the lawn to start with my IPOD playing loud. that was OK. she watched a movie by herself and enjoyed it and I did some things on the computer and took care of some laundry. Later we spent some time together and then went to sleep. I worked through a lot of uncomfortableness. it was a great opportunity to work on so much more than just not drinking. to work on the things that lead me to drinking: my insecurity, lonliness, fears, and needy-ness.

although the night didn't have a lot of good feelings for me...it was a wonderful night. I'm glad that I didn't drink. her drinking a few beers is not my business. I did need to mostly stay away while she was drinking because it brought me all the more pain.

thanks for the thread....I needed it this morning!

HeavyJ

Wow,

Thank you to everyone who posted! I love it! Thanks for being open and honest, this is helping me tremendously. I am really brand new at not drinking, of course, I think I can handle all of this stuff now, but I know it will get worse. You guys are giving me an awesome "Toolbox" of knowledge to handle temptations and situations when they arise..

Heavy..

miss communicat

Hi Heavy, and Welcome to SR

besides willpower and our support, do you have a plan for recovery and maintaining not drinking?

Texasblind

Yes, my SO drinks. She's a wine nut. Our deal is she has to keep it and drink it in her office. She has a couch and a tv in there so she's happy with the deal.

I'm okay with people drinking around me. I wasn't at first, but as I get stronger in sobriety it does get easier. I also steer clear of my triggers. I just wonder what'll happen on my next Vegas trip. That will be the true test.

YaDude

I have a similar problem. I recently had to move back home with my parents because i was laid off from my job and a lot of money problems. The problem is my dad is an alcoholic and drinks every night. There is nothing i can say to him because it is his house and he doesn't plan on stopping any time soon.
Its a little hard to see that. Mostly on the weekends it is hard cause i know I don't have work the next day and can easily join in.