Should I call him on it????
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Should I call him on it????
As you all know, my AH was suspended this week for drinking at work. He has still not sobered up so I'm assuming he has no intentions of even remotely keeping his job. Anyway, I'm busy making plans for me, seeing if I can borrow from my 401k, etc. This morning he says to me "I know, I have to straighten this out. If I do, would you still leave? I can't lose you" I told him he needed professional help, not just AA meetings and it's up to him to make a plan if he wants things to work out, but he can't do it on his own, and he has to realize that and make a firm commitment to recovery to himself.
He calls me this afternoon, tells me that he made calls to a couple of outpatient treatment centers for 2 days a week, none of them, except for one, would do it, they wanted more days from him. Then he asked me if I wanted to have "wild and crazy s*x later", I said "I'm working, I'll see ya later". I can tell he had beers in him.
Being that he is a chronic liar when he's like this, I went onto my online phone account (have it for my house phone and cell phone). Checked the calls made and incoming. None!!!!! Only the one to me this afternoon. When I get home, he's gonna act like he's trying sooooo hard, blah blah blah, making up all kinds of bullcrap stuff. So my question to you all is, should I just call him on it and tell him I know he's bullcrapping. I know he doesn't like getting caught in lies, and sometimes it's not worth a dialogue, but I want him to know he's not pulling the wool over my eyes when I won't give him a chance (when he's really lying). I have to live in this house w/him for a little while longer, and I'm trying to keep things civil. Your imput is appreciated. Thanks.
He calls me this afternoon, tells me that he made calls to a couple of outpatient treatment centers for 2 days a week, none of them, except for one, would do it, they wanted more days from him. Then he asked me if I wanted to have "wild and crazy s*x later", I said "I'm working, I'll see ya later". I can tell he had beers in him.
Being that he is a chronic liar when he's like this, I went onto my online phone account (have it for my house phone and cell phone). Checked the calls made and incoming. None!!!!! Only the one to me this afternoon. When I get home, he's gonna act like he's trying sooooo hard, blah blah blah, making up all kinds of bullcrap stuff. So my question to you all is, should I just call him on it and tell him I know he's bullcrapping. I know he doesn't like getting caught in lies, and sometimes it's not worth a dialogue, but I want him to know he's not pulling the wool over my eyes when I won't give him a chance (when he's really lying). I have to live in this house w/him for a little while longer, and I'm trying to keep things civil. Your imput is appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
That is a tough one. I understand wanting to let him know that you are not a fool. Probably, what I would do is just make a statement that you know he did not make any phone calls to outpatient treatment and that when he actually makes an effort that you would be happy to speak with him about whether or not you will still leave.
Oh yeah... and the wild and crazy sex... thanks, but no thanks.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. Glad to hear you are making some plans for taking care of yourself.
Oh yeah... and the wild and crazy sex... thanks, but no thanks.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. Glad to hear you are making some plans for taking care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What purpose would "calling him on it" serve? You already know everything you need to know. He's drinking, he's lying.
I lived in a "power struggle" type relationship with an alcoholic for many years. My twisted brain thought if I could just "win" enough of these little battles, he would finally admit defeat and do things my way. It nearly destroyed both of us and only time will tell the damage that was done to our children.
When you are ready to give up on "winning" and work on being happy, you won't even have to ask these kinds of questions.
I also find it interesting that you have started posting questions over here instead of on the Friends and Family forum. Maybe you will find some "inside information" on how to win the battle with your alcoholic?
L
I lived in a "power struggle" type relationship with an alcoholic for many years. My twisted brain thought if I could just "win" enough of these little battles, he would finally admit defeat and do things my way. It nearly destroyed both of us and only time will tell the damage that was done to our children.
When you are ready to give up on "winning" and work on being happy, you won't even have to ask these kinds of questions.
I also find it interesting that you have started posting questions over here instead of on the Friends and Family forum. Maybe you will find some "inside information" on how to win the battle with your alcoholic?
L
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i don't think i'd waste the time or energy telling a tree it's a tree........
at this point QT i would take anything that comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt......and i would anticipate all sorts of hijinx as you move forward with your plans. IF he was serious, he would be DOING something different NOW.....like NOT drinking, going to a meeting, relentlessly seeking treatment......turn down the sound on the Akli-vision......NOW what does the story you are watching TELL you?
at this point QT i would take anything that comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt......and i would anticipate all sorts of hijinx as you move forward with your plans. IF he was serious, he would be DOING something different NOW.....like NOT drinking, going to a meeting, relentlessly seeking treatment......turn down the sound on the Akli-vision......NOW what does the story you are watching TELL you?
LTD, I posted over her cause I wanted the alcoholic's perspective on if I called him out on it. Kinda like Alanon tells you to go to an open AA meeting, to get their perspective. I was gonna post to you guys too!!! But now I don't have to. And I won't win any battle w/an alcoholic - we always lose the battle, but come out the winner!
Thanks you guys.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Heck yeah, I agree with Tommy, it is my opinion you should wait until he is sobered up and then call him on it. Not for the purposes of fighting, mind you, but just to let him know that you are not a fool and he cannot get by with lying to you to get what he wants. I would not even approach him angrily about it, I would just be very matter of fact. I don't see how the two of you can have any sort of productive discussion if you DON'T get that out of the way. Sounds to me like you need to level the field so to speak. Just my two cents, I wish you both the very best of luck no matter what you decide to do.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by queenteree
Being that he is a chronic liar, I went onto my online phone account_____________to confirm what you already knew, because it happens over, and over, and over. He drinks, he lies, you seem surprised. Did you expect a different result this time?
When I get home, he's gonna act like ______________he always acts. what are YOU going to do? is the question.
I want him to know ___________ anything you REALLY want him to KNOW will become self evident by your actions, and not by more words.
When I get home, he's gonna act like ______________he always acts. what are YOU going to do? is the question.
I want him to know ___________ anything you REALLY want him to KNOW will become self evident by your actions, and not by more words.
I end the conversation. I don't try to dance with a liar, or have the winning strategy in place daily. If I hear myself repeatedly thinking about how a chronic liar will respond to any number of scenarios, I do everything in my power to get my sanity back. Often this includes remembering that my purpose in life is to grow and learn and to get more self honest within, so I try to see my lesson for what it is. Then change happens.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Originally Posted by tommyk
Do him a favor - call him on all of his bullsh*t.
Don't let him get away with lying to you, or lying to himself.
He will thank you someday.
Don't let him get away with lying to you, or lying to himself.
He will thank you someday.
I don't think he's in any frame of mind to see that he's lying to you or himself, nor care. Thanks is not a guarantee even if he does get sober one day.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Why bother especially if you are moving on to a better life.
Honestly, if my wife called me on my BS when I was still drinking, I would use it as an excuse to keep on drinking (poor me, I'm doing my best, she doesn't understand me, my drinking is her fault).
Honestly, if my wife called me on my BS when I was still drinking, I would use it as an excuse to keep on drinking (poor me, I'm doing my best, she doesn't understand me, my drinking is her fault).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Would you rather be right or be happy?
If you love him and you can't help him up...help him down.
There's more to calling people on their ******** then just proving they are a liar.
I wish somebody had called me on mine sooner instead of just talking about it.
If you love him and you can't help him up...help him down.
There's more to calling people on their ******** then just proving they are a liar.
I wish somebody had called me on mine sooner instead of just talking about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Calling him on it or not.....until the ties are severed, every door shut in his face, he will most likely ride the elevator all the way down! I didn't stop doing what I was doing, telling the lies I was telling until.....no one would put up with it anymore, no one listened anymore, EVERYONE (family wise) let me go and get done...... Now people from the program, there's where I could turn but only to get help, not to use them. They'll see through it quick. I have anyways, I've been able to tell if someone was serious or not about recovering, but the service prayer in AA is.....I am responsible, whenever anyone anywhere reaches out, I want the hand of AA always to be there, for that I am responsible. It took a while but I'm happy to report I'm sitting here with almost 11 yrs of sobriety & clean time. ONLY because of what I said before....people let me go and get done!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Some of us have to get to a place where there is no friendly direction. A place where nobody on the planet can or will have anything to do with us. Your husband may be an alcoholic of that description, only time will tell. Your focus continues to be on him, and quite frankly, the wheels are falling off. He's unemployable, he's been given 6 months to live. And that was a month or so ago. Are you gonna go down with the ship? At some point in time, you are gonna have to move on. But to be honest, I can't recall a post that didn't focus on your alcoholic husband. My hope is that if and when you are tired of living with a mad man, you will post a message of hope for the new Alanon who needs to know how to move on from a desperate and hopeless life to a life of meaning, depth and purpose.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
QT, when is enough going to be enough for you? He has proven already that he has no intention of stopping. You told him in another post you were leaving and he didn't seem to really care. Why waste your time, breath and energy confronting him over this latest lie?
Get busy living! Get the h*ll out of that situation and stop your own insanity. You've been told to go to Al-Anon and I hope you are but quit wasting time and energy worrying about him and worry about your own self. If you have to move in with family or a friend to get out and get on your feet than for God's sake do it. If you have no intention of leaving him then learn to detach (taught in Al-Anon). I don't see any posts about YOU they are all about HIM. Get it through your head that you are powerless over him and work on what you can change (YOU!). If you haven't already read some of Melody Beatty's books on codependency then go get some.
Coming here getting our perspective is ok I guess but in your heart of hearts you know what you want to do (leave and get your life back or stay and wallow in his misery with him) Keep posting under Family & Friends as that is where you will get the info you need. Get a plan, break it down into baby steps and get busy girl!
As for confronting him, why bother? Keep going about your affairs and get out! If he has the audacity to say something about it as you are leaving then just throw the phone records at him and tell him then that you knew he was lying to himself and you and get out!
I am an alcoholic but I was also married to one who was a real jackass when drunk which was all the time. I got enough and started making plans. I had to move back from Lafayette, LA to Houston, TX in a U-Haul and ive with my mom but it beat the heck out of having to deal with him and his verbal abuse of me and my kidsl Stupidly I let him move to Houston after 6 months because he swore he had changedl That lasted 4 months and NOTHING had changed. I threw his *ss back out and haven't seen him sense. It can be donel It is not easy but the results (a quiet and peaceful life) are well worth it.
Sorry if some of this sounds harsh but I see how often you post on here about his crap and ask how to deal with it. Get to stepping and don't look back!
Take care,
Kellye
Get busy living! Get the h*ll out of that situation and stop your own insanity. You've been told to go to Al-Anon and I hope you are but quit wasting time and energy worrying about him and worry about your own self. If you have to move in with family or a friend to get out and get on your feet than for God's sake do it. If you have no intention of leaving him then learn to detach (taught in Al-Anon). I don't see any posts about YOU they are all about HIM. Get it through your head that you are powerless over him and work on what you can change (YOU!). If you haven't already read some of Melody Beatty's books on codependency then go get some.
Coming here getting our perspective is ok I guess but in your heart of hearts you know what you want to do (leave and get your life back or stay and wallow in his misery with him) Keep posting under Family & Friends as that is where you will get the info you need. Get a plan, break it down into baby steps and get busy girl!
As for confronting him, why bother? Keep going about your affairs and get out! If he has the audacity to say something about it as you are leaving then just throw the phone records at him and tell him then that you knew he was lying to himself and you and get out!
I am an alcoholic but I was also married to one who was a real jackass when drunk which was all the time. I got enough and started making plans. I had to move back from Lafayette, LA to Houston, TX in a U-Haul and ive with my mom but it beat the heck out of having to deal with him and his verbal abuse of me and my kidsl Stupidly I let him move to Houston after 6 months because he swore he had changedl That lasted 4 months and NOTHING had changed. I threw his *ss back out and haven't seen him sense. It can be donel It is not easy but the results (a quiet and peaceful life) are well worth it.
Sorry if some of this sounds harsh but I see how often you post on here about his crap and ask how to deal with it. Get to stepping and don't look back!
Take care,
Kellye
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
I agree. My daughter begged and threatened me many times if I didn't quit drinking. I ignored her and lied to her, and lied to myself. You can't do anything to "fix" him. He has to want to fix himself. Don't go down with the ship.
Recovering Nicely
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
He detoxed (at home) all weekend and I spoke to him last night. Asked him what his plan was, was it to continue drinking in another week or so with the idea of him fooling himself that he can have "only a few" on weekends and be perfectly sober for work, or whether the intended on getting the help he needs. I said he knew he needed rehab last year (he went and was sober for 3 months), but that this year he is much worse and in my opinion, if at any time he needed rehab it was now. I also managed to squeeze in there that I knew he had lied to me about the phone calls, and how I felt hurt that he would lie to me.
His plan now is to call his sponsor (yes, he had one but hasn't kept in contact since his relapse) and go back to AA. I personally don't think AA is enough, but who am I to say. I told him that if, in a couple of days or weeks, when his "stinkin thinkin" sets in, if he choses to drink and lose his job, I will have no the choice but to leave.
This morning he calls, his job told him this is his last chance.
Thank you all for your input, but I just want to let everyone know, I do go to Alanon, actually a few times a week, plus read their literature, etc. I actually do, believe it or not, try to live by the Alanon principles in all my affairs (life in general, work, kids, grandkids, etc.), the problem I'm having with AH is 1)he may be dead in a few more months and 2) it takes time to make a plan in order to walk away financially set.
And I still don't believe he's at bottom (I truly believe his bottom will be death) and I don't believe he's gonna stop, I'm just trying to learn how to deal while we're still living together while making a plan. But you never know, tomorrow I may wake up and leave.
Thanks again guys.
His plan now is to call his sponsor (yes, he had one but hasn't kept in contact since his relapse) and go back to AA. I personally don't think AA is enough, but who am I to say. I told him that if, in a couple of days or weeks, when his "stinkin thinkin" sets in, if he choses to drink and lose his job, I will have no the choice but to leave.
This morning he calls, his job told him this is his last chance.
Thank you all for your input, but I just want to let everyone know, I do go to Alanon, actually a few times a week, plus read their literature, etc. I actually do, believe it or not, try to live by the Alanon principles in all my affairs (life in general, work, kids, grandkids, etc.), the problem I'm having with AH is 1)he may be dead in a few more months and 2) it takes time to make a plan in order to walk away financially set.
And I still don't believe he's at bottom (I truly believe his bottom will be death) and I don't believe he's gonna stop, I'm just trying to learn how to deal while we're still living together while making a plan. But you never know, tomorrow I may wake up and leave.
Thanks again guys.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
My heavens.
I was reading your past blogs and I am dumbfounded to read that you have been back and forth on this issue since Aug or before 2006?
Did your husbands Dr. tell him in front of you that he has 6 months to live?
I'm sorry for you, but you are obviously getting something out of this drama to keep you stuck.
Did you ever keep you're appointment with the lawyer? Have you seen a therapist to help YOU, you alone. you say you're going to Al non meetings, but are you taking any of the advice that is offered. I'm just wondering what you think alcoholics in recovery can do to help you, when it is only you, that can help you in the end. This on going very unhealthy rel'ship can be fixed and allow you to get on with you're life, by making a couple decisions. Bang bang and it's done. Why are you still there? You mentioned it takes time to make decisions and get your financial situation worked out. But it shouldn't take 2 years.
So...are you sticking around then, putting you're life on hold, staying stuck in a co-dependent rel'ship awaiting his death which could be....?
I was reading your past blogs and I am dumbfounded to read that you have been back and forth on this issue since Aug or before 2006?
Did your husbands Dr. tell him in front of you that he has 6 months to live?
I'm sorry for you, but you are obviously getting something out of this drama to keep you stuck.
Did you ever keep you're appointment with the lawyer? Have you seen a therapist to help YOU, you alone. you say you're going to Al non meetings, but are you taking any of the advice that is offered. I'm just wondering what you think alcoholics in recovery can do to help you, when it is only you, that can help you in the end. This on going very unhealthy rel'ship can be fixed and allow you to get on with you're life, by making a couple decisions. Bang bang and it's done. Why are you still there? You mentioned it takes time to make decisions and get your financial situation worked out. But it shouldn't take 2 years.
So...are you sticking around then, putting you're life on hold, staying stuck in a co-dependent rel'ship awaiting his death which could be....?
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