Should I call him on it????
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Yep, since August 2006!!! Long time, huh? At first I stuck around cause I loved him and believed him (after all, he did have over 14 years sober w/no relapse) so I kept believing his word that this time would be different.
Yes, I was in therapy for over a year, but I don't know where anyone thinks therapists help, I didn't really find her helpful at all (and I was totally honest).
I have been in Alanon, but there is no advice offered in our meetings, we read, share, almost everyone at my meetings is positve, almost all of them have left their A or their A is in recovery, and there have been some that are so upset that have been told in the middle of their share that it had nothing to do with the topic, so therefore had to wait for the last 5 mins. to share.
Alanon has helped me learn to detach, although it doesn't seem like that. I know I can't control what he does, I don't try to control what he does, I don't worry about his drinking and driving cause he's gonna do it anyway. What I do worry about is him losing his job cause it affects me monetarily.
I know what I am about to say is contradictory to each thing I am going to say, but here's where my head is at so everyone knows:
He gave me over 14 great, wonderful, sober years (with not one relapse), raised my children as his own, was a role model for them (and they'll even say that now, which is what's so upsetting to them), bought us a nice home, we had a truly wonderful marriage for all those years and raised a great family. He was the most kind, loving, generous father and husband. So now to see him go down this road is upsetting. To top it all off, yes, I was there when the dr. said that. His liver hasn't been good for years, his liver dr. and GP monitor it, it's just getting worse. My dilemma in that is that do I just abandon him, a man who did everything for us, as he's dying??? Even during his 5 or 6 year relapse, he is generally not mean or abusive, he's mostly a mush, I just can't deal with a drunk and a drunk who has liver disease really loses it mentally. And if he is verbally abusive, it is the alcohol talking, not him (all the more reason he should get sober).
Now for the contradictory part - not that I'm wishing him dead or anything (even though I admit there were times I did do that), in the long run, it would cost me money for an attorney ($3,000 retainer and it can't come out of joint funds), I'd have to split my 401K, he'd have to split his, we'd have to sell the house (we have a phenomonal interest rate on our mortgage due to his excellent credit at the time) cause I couldn't afford it on my own, plus buy him out. And in this housing market and w/mortgages so hard to get, it doesn't make good financial sense, considering the man may not live more than a year, does it now?
I have so many thoughts inside my head, I need to make well thought out decisions. So far, none of these plans have worked for me in my head. I have OCD and that's part of it.
I come here to try and understand my husband so I can better try to live with it, to have compassion for the disease (as ODAAT tries to imply), you know "love the person, hate the disease". I know I'm on a sinking ship, I know that, but why then does my gut tell me it's not the right timing? I come on here when something major happens, other than that, I think I deal pretty well.
Sorry if people think I'm just a drama queen and I thrive on drama. Trust me, I don't have patience for people like that myself, and I tell them flat out, they're addicted to drama or else they'd be out of there. They tell me, "easier said than done."
Yes, I was in therapy for over a year, but I don't know where anyone thinks therapists help, I didn't really find her helpful at all (and I was totally honest).
I have been in Alanon, but there is no advice offered in our meetings, we read, share, almost everyone at my meetings is positve, almost all of them have left their A or their A is in recovery, and there have been some that are so upset that have been told in the middle of their share that it had nothing to do with the topic, so therefore had to wait for the last 5 mins. to share.
Alanon has helped me learn to detach, although it doesn't seem like that. I know I can't control what he does, I don't try to control what he does, I don't worry about his drinking and driving cause he's gonna do it anyway. What I do worry about is him losing his job cause it affects me monetarily.
I know what I am about to say is contradictory to each thing I am going to say, but here's where my head is at so everyone knows:
He gave me over 14 great, wonderful, sober years (with not one relapse), raised my children as his own, was a role model for them (and they'll even say that now, which is what's so upsetting to them), bought us a nice home, we had a truly wonderful marriage for all those years and raised a great family. He was the most kind, loving, generous father and husband. So now to see him go down this road is upsetting. To top it all off, yes, I was there when the dr. said that. His liver hasn't been good for years, his liver dr. and GP monitor it, it's just getting worse. My dilemma in that is that do I just abandon him, a man who did everything for us, as he's dying??? Even during his 5 or 6 year relapse, he is generally not mean or abusive, he's mostly a mush, I just can't deal with a drunk and a drunk who has liver disease really loses it mentally. And if he is verbally abusive, it is the alcohol talking, not him (all the more reason he should get sober).
Now for the contradictory part - not that I'm wishing him dead or anything (even though I admit there were times I did do that), in the long run, it would cost me money for an attorney ($3,000 retainer and it can't come out of joint funds), I'd have to split my 401K, he'd have to split his, we'd have to sell the house (we have a phenomonal interest rate on our mortgage due to his excellent credit at the time) cause I couldn't afford it on my own, plus buy him out. And in this housing market and w/mortgages so hard to get, it doesn't make good financial sense, considering the man may not live more than a year, does it now?
I have so many thoughts inside my head, I need to make well thought out decisions. So far, none of these plans have worked for me in my head. I have OCD and that's part of it.
I come here to try and understand my husband so I can better try to live with it, to have compassion for the disease (as ODAAT tries to imply), you know "love the person, hate the disease". I know I'm on a sinking ship, I know that, but why then does my gut tell me it's not the right timing? I come on here when something major happens, other than that, I think I deal pretty well.
Sorry if people think I'm just a drama queen and I thrive on drama. Trust me, I don't have patience for people like that myself, and I tell them flat out, they're addicted to drama or else they'd be out of there. They tell me, "easier said than done."
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm glad your husband de toxed and is planning another Sobriety.
Prayers that he will be able to move forward
and that you both will find peace again.
As this thread has served it's purpose
I'll close it now
Prayers that he will be able to move forward
and that you both will find peace again.
As this thread has served it's purpose
I'll close it now
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