augustine

Hallo friends.

So now I am 6 months sober and that seems like a good foundation. I am also now back from my sober living house for one week. I have returned to my work here and I think things are going well, but I don't know other times.

I seem to have this deep fear inside all the time. I feel like I am always seconds away from doing something terrible.

I have no reasons why I should feel this way. I am now only working for 3 days this week so far and I do not have a lot to do as I am supposed to "settle in". So I do not have anything to be stressed out about except that maybe I don't like change. I recovered somewhere else so when I go to meetings here, they are not "my meetings" and I do not know people the same way. Plus I am reminded of going to those meetings drunk before and how I must have looked to everyone. (I know that they were drunk once too, but this logic does not take away the embarrassment.)

I realized that I was becoming more and more worried about returning here a few weeks ago, but I thought that once I was here, it would go away. I would have things to do and I would laugh and say "see! You worry too much." But that is not how it has been for me so far.

I try to come here and read about people's recovery and sometimes try to write nice things to offer hope. I go sit in the chapel a lot because God is there. I am reading and doing positive things but the truth is I am terrified all the time.

I have talked to my sponsor, but I thought I would be honest here too while I was at it.

Pax,
Dietrich

Sugah

I didn't want to leave rehab. I asked if I could stay longer. The answer was no - and for months, I traveled the two hours back to my comfort zone, my "home group" away from home at least once a week. I talked to my sponsor. I prayed alone at night in my bed. Slowly, the fear subsided. Faith took the place of fear, and finally, knowing took the place of faith.

I know you've been asked this question before, Dietrich, but I'll ask again: what would you do if someone came to you full of fear asking for counsel?

I also think you'll find, as you walk the path, that God is with you always, always, always. Not just in the chapel. Always.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Impurrfect

(((Dietrich)))

I am terrified of change, too, even though it usually turns out for the better. I just pray "can You help me through this and let me do the right thing?"

I'm glad you're being honest about your feelings, here and with your sponsor. It's when we deny our feelings, we get into troube.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tommyk

Panic, anxiety, depression, stress (PADS), and intense FEAR seemed to rule my life.

I never found any relief until I discovered the 12-Step program.

For me the 12 steps work better than ANY drugs and/or alcohol ever did.

I thank God every day for my 'new' life.

gerryP

I love that sugah, thanks

idhigu2

Pax, is that right. J woman here, breath in peace, breath out fear. It is no easy application, in time the fear will give you up as the peace increases. It was like that for me, only I didn't label it. At six months I was aggitated, same thing I think. Change always happens with or without us. Recovery is such an awsome journey of self-discovery. To one day realize, I am how I am and who I am is who I want to be. But for me, I had to apply the meditation part very formally, very diligently, consistantly, and I had to have fun doing it. And I had to do that alone. Meditation in a group, well not my cup of tea, meetings are social, but meditation is private. It is part of the recovery process I didn't want to gloss over, the peace is in the stillness. Then it builds a foundation deep and strong. Do you meditate? J Woman

gravity

Thank you for your words and honesty Augustine.

I am 5 ½ months sober and have been attending meetings and working through the steps with my sponsor. My road has been different from yours in that my safe place is in my home with my wife & two small children. The love in my home is amazing. Because of my work, I am often placed into the lion’s den – on the road, lonely, stressed, tired, colleagues & friends around that I used to drink with. I am well acquainted with that feeling of fear – I articulate that feeling as “it would be so easy to have just one drink”. My advice to you (and to myself) – don’t expect to be “cured” this early into recovery. There is no magic in milestones or AA for that matter – we are stronger but continued vigilance & hard work is required. You have come so far but the journey continues.

I have been getting through those tough times with prayer and by reaching out to those who have been supporting me along the way. I am also learning to be honest in the sense that if I am struggling then I had better be open about it. I may be able to fool others into thinking that my recovery is 100% solid but if I fool myself, I am in big trouble because then I will start believing that I am cured and stop working on my recovery.

Believe in yourself and keep working hard. You do have a solid foundation and you will definitely grow more comfortable in time. Perhaps it was simply meant to take longer than one week in your new environment. Best wishes.

Don

augustine

Yes. I am asked this question all the time.

But, why is it that always people think that because I can give answers to others that I can give them the same to myself?

This is not be being angry, but I am asking the same question you are. How I can counsel another in my situation than how I can deal with it myself? I think maybe this is the real problem yes? Good at helping others? Yes. Good at helping Dietrich? No.

This is the problem I wish to solve.

Because what I say to others who come to me with this question is of course, to pray and that God is always with you. I think this is the correct answer. And of course I am praying, and I am always with God. And I have a sponsor since the beginning that I am working the steps. So ... Now, in God's presence, I am still feel afraid... So now I ask, what is the matter with me?

Does this make sense?

Thank you for helping me solve this. I do not like worrying.

Pax Christi,
Dietrich

Tazman53

Sugah nailed it saying the above.

Dietrich you ask:

Nothing really, you are right where you should be at this stage of your sobriety. Recovery is an ongoing process, it does not happen over night.

It took me a lot of years to become a full blown alcoholic, it did not happen over night and I sure did not recover over night.

Give your new meetings time, things will fall into place with time and time takes time.

Faith I have found conquers fear every time.

There is a saying in the rooms that a problem shared is halfed every time it is shared, I have found this to be true. You say you have shared this with your sponsor, that is good, have you shared this at any meetings?

Keep in mind:

Reach out at a meeting or 2, if you reach out for help, it will always be there. If someone shared what you are feeling right now at a meeting would you not reach out to help them? Of course you would!

augustine

Thank you all so much! I read through all that you wrote and my first thought is of course that you did not understand me, because since I already know everything and am perfect, how are you giving me suggestions on things I might not know and have not yet done? Clearly, I thought, you can not relate to me and my special unique situation.

Okay. Today I am laughing at myself.

And so I think it is good that you have reminded me about two "wrong thoughts" that I have. The first is that in my head I think I invented this idea that when I am sober long enough, I will magically become myself of 2+ years ago. (The time before I start to experiment with alcohol.) I was frustrated that this hasn't happened yet and so I begin to think, maybe it will never happen and then what will I do!

You remind me that: Guess what! It will never happen. And that's okay because me of 2 years ago is the same me that also decided it was a good idea to drink a lot of alcohol and wreck everything. Well, now that I think about it: Thank God THAT didn't happen! And really, I don't believe in magic anyway.

The second wrong thing is that, I think when it comes to being in recovery, I am spiritually very lazy. I think I am like a physician who says "Oh. I do not need to see a doctor if I am sick, I do medicine all day. I'm an expert." And so I think what I do is say to myself: I am all day with God and praying for people so why do I need to pray or think about what the Lord is doing in my life? Or worse: I already did the praying I'm supposed to do today, so I'm not going to bother to do any for myself.

When I write it down like that it sounds so lazy! What a bum I am.

And also, I have not talked about this at a meeting. I go and I listen and then I leave. I think maybe I did not go to enough secular meetings where I was so I have the mistake idea that no one will understand me here. Again, I am so obnoxious yes? When did I get to be so great that you have to be ordained to understand what I talk about? You have just shown to me that you don't.

Today I learn that 6 months is foundation only!

So now, I am laughing too hard to be terrified. And for when I stop laughing, I know what to do. At least for right now.

Thank you for helping to hold the mirror for me!

Pax Christi,
Dietrich.

Sugah

Oh, Dietrich - I'm glad you're laughing. That's the sound of healing!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Pinkcuda

The number one rule for survival is to respect your opponent. Otherwise we are doomed to fail.
This valuable rule applies to all aspects of life whether we are charging a hill or fighting Alcoholism.
Turn your fear into a healthy respect and you'll always come out on top. I'd love to say more, but I'm off to a meeting.

Tazman53

Dietrich glad to hear you are laughing, even happier to hear you are laughing at your self!!

Sharing what we are feeling does several things, first of all it lets us say it out loud and sometimes when we hear our selfs say something we are able to see what we need to work on, it also allows us to learn that we are not alone in our experience and feelings when others share how they have been through the very same thing and they share what helped them to work through what is going on.

Progress is what we all need to strive for..... not perfection! When I start to feel I am nearing or at perfection I am in deep trouble. I have come a long way from where I was at 21 months ago, but I keep in mind that no matter how far I have come in my journey, I will always have further to go then what I have come.

There is an old joke I have heard in and out of the rooms I would like to share:

Dietrich thank you for sharing your journey, I can assure you that your sharing has helped me and others.

least

I am terrified too, but because I've had so many slips. I always try again but sometimes wonder what's wrong with me to keep on relapsing. I have to do the first step every day now to remind myself of how very powerless I am over my opponent alcohol. I can't give in to it, can't believe when it says, "just a couple drinks. I'll go easy on you".

I am asking God to take away my fears. Only He is bigger than me or alcohol or anything. The only true peace comes from the Creater.

Congratulations on your sober time!:ghug2