AAKiwi

I've looked back 13 pages but can't find anything about this so was just wondering...

How do I tell my family I'm an alcoholic?
I've been sober for 6 months tomorrow and haven't mentioned anything to them about my problem. Obviously they must have noticed I no longer drink but no one has said anything to me about it.
I'm wondering why.
Either they are too scared to say something or they saw it as a long time coming and are glad I've stopped and don't want to bring it up with me.
Perhaps they are waiting for me to talk about it with them.

I feel as though I should tell my parents about my problem and appologise for all the heartache and pain I have put upon them over the last 15 years but I don't even know where to start.

Even though they only live down the road, they haven't even noticed I've been going out 3 nights a week to AA meetings. Or if they have, they haven't mentioned anything to me about it.
I basically want to tell them without being caught off guard and not knowing what to say.

How do I go about telling them I'm an alcoholic?

Thank you in advance to everyone that replies.

chip

welcome to SR, AAKiwi
Congrats on your 6 months of sobriety. I'd guess that your loved ones are noticing a change in you. For me, everyone knew I was an alcoholic before I did.

I'd suggest speaking with your sponsor about this question. For me, I told my parents when I felt ready. They already knew I had a problem. They were happy and proud of me for making these changes in my life.
chip

Signal30

Just do it. Find a time and a place where you can get them alone and simply tell them. Your in a program with many tools to assist you in this task.

Confide with your sponsor.


Tom

AAKiwi

Thank you both for your replies. Although unforunately in our small AA groups, there aren't any 'available' sponsors so I haven't got someone to ask except on here.

CarolD

I did not live near my family
when I was a drinker or when I got sober.

My brother did and he invited them to an
open AA meeting. They went and did support
his efforts but never wanted to talk about his journey.

When...by phone...I mentioned I too was going to AA
my Mom said...."UM ...that's nice" "did you go to
church this week?"

Well done on your 6 months of recovery.

Pinkcuda

Since they live near by, I'm sure they stop in for a visit from time to time. Leave your Big Book on the kitchen table and let them figure it out for themselves.

contrarichard

All circumstances are different and when we’re dealing with family, especially parents, about a potentially sensitive issue, it can be a bit tricky. Yet the tricky situations are the ones that offer us the greatest opportunities to grow. Sometimes it is difficult when approaching our parents, regardless of how old we are at the time, to discuss something sensitive and not click into that needy little child role where you are looking (sometimes desperately looking, even when we’re not aware of it) for validation, support, approval, comfort and so on, depending on the individual. It can sometimes seem as if we can’t give ourselves permission to be fully comfortable or fully satisfied with a particular path we choose until we first get our parents response to it, if that makes sense. If we drag those expectations into a conversation with our parents, it can create a bit of a mess and a potential disappointment, to say the least, regardless of how inadvertently we do so. This is seemingly important to you since you put it out there on SR, which is an indication that you are already aware that it takes special considerations. That alone puts you ahead of the game. Therefore, I would write about it, talk about it, seek feedback about it and then ultimately, since it is your own eyes that will look back and review and assess how you handled it, and your feelings will respond accordingly, do what you believe will be the very thing that will make you most proud of you – and with that will come the very approval, validation, support and comfort you would have otherwise been seeking, but it will be from yourself, rather than from your parents, which is a gift to all three of you. And you never know, you may get a perfectly supportive response from them, too. My personal experience is that the responses I have received over the years from others, especially my parents, when addressing something of depth and sensitivity, is a direct reflection on how I have handled my approach, in my own eyes. It took me years to figure out that with my mother, I had all these hidden expectations and it wasn’t until I required nothing from her, not even a smile on her face when she saw me, that I was able to create experiences with her that have been quite profound and beautiful and she smiles now more broadly and brightly than ever and without a doubt feels more loved by me than ever, which somehow to me anyway, feels even better than having her love me, although I feel that too, more than ever before.

Bottom line, Know in your heart that you are doing what you believe is the best thing and between yourself and your friends and all other sources of support, be hyper-aware that you already possess sufficient praise or acknowledgement and support for having accomplished 6 months (hats off to you, by the way) and for sticking to your program and they will be more free and more likely to support you because you will already be sufficiently supported when you discuss it.

Hope that helps,

Slowbriety

I was the last one to know, so me telling them I was one, wasnt a shock.

barb dwyer

Probably one of those.

Just pray before going... and let the Infinite handle the rest.

I loved what Sobriety said.

AAKiwi

Thank you so much everyone. I haven't been on here long but I truely feel the love and support on this forum, in your posts and radiating towards me in your words.
I really appeciate your time in posting.

contrarichard, I especially want to thank you for your post. What you have said is exactly how I feel and how I see things happening.

Tazman53

AAkiwi everyone has given some good guidance on this. Both of my parents passed before my disease consumed me so I never made direct amends to them. I have with other close members of my family, all I got was love and support.

If you want to get even more advice on this talk to some folks at your meeting, there are cases of groups taking a sort of sponsorship role for folks without a sponsor, if one of your meetings is a discussion meeting why not bring up step 9 as a topic?

Now let me slip into my parent hat! LOL I am the father of 6, so far only one of my kids is an alcoholic, he came to me when he realized this and asked for guidance and support, we were all ecstatic that he finally saw he had a problem and was doing something about it. He has been sober about 6 months now and every one in the family supports him.

Ask your self these simple questions, "Have my parents ever stopped loving me because of something I did or for being who I was?" "Have my parents ever not supported me when I was seeking help with a problem?" I have a feeling your parents are going to be supportive of you.

Now just to prepare you, if neither one oif them is an alcoholic or addict they will not understand fully what you are going through, but they will be there for you.

I have a daughter who is an anorexic, I do not understand anorexia, but I do know that her and I have a common bond because anorexia is a form of addiction, even though I do not fully understand her problem I still love her and support her.

RufusACanal

Wonderful congrats on six months of your new life..... Woooow, what a gift. there is a time and a place for all things in recovery at least as I look back there are. Working the Steps provides a place for your desire to rectify and grow. I would suggest talking with your Sponsor and remembering that Rome was not built in a day. Best to you and if I can help please do not hesitate to ask.


Ron

Stormy1119

This made me laugh, cause it was the exact same way in my life.


AAKiwi,

Congrats on 6 months. I suggest just sitting down with your parents and having a heart to heart. Of course no parents wants to hear their child is an alcoholic, but at the same time I'm sure they will be proud of you for getting the help you need! Just remember, they won't stop loving you no matter what!

When I told my mom, she was so happy I finally admitted it. Then she thought about it for a minute and was like "well maybe you aren't an alcoholic, maybe you just have diabetes.. you should go get tested for that". Even after all the things she has seen me do and say while drinking and all the havoc I've brought upon my life, she still didn't want to fully admit I was an alcoholic (She's a major codie though). Now that she has seen what a different person I've become now that i'm going to meetings, she is proud of me.

22NGONE

AAKiwi,

Hi, I just told my parent point blank. I told them I would appreciate their understanding and support. I got a reserved response, kinda confused but supportive. Well since then I've been told a bunch of times I'm not an alcoholic! They mean well though. :-)

Pilgrim

Hi there AAKiwi. I'm a kiwi too. Well done on six months.

If you have three meetings a week, you must be in a reasonable sized town. Where abouts are you in NZ?

I found that when I got a sponsor, things really started to take off for me.

About your parents, maybe give it some more time. If you don't have a sponsor yet, you have not stated the AA programme yet and you could find that you tell them but drink again. The only reason I say that is that I am an alcoholic so I couldn't stay stopped until I had a sponsor and did the steps. That would be hard on them.

This isn't about us any more. If you put them and their feelings first and ask for your HP's will to be done, the answer to this question will come.

DSodaNow

Kiwi- Thanks for bringing up this topic. It is something that has weighed on my mind a lot lately too. My parents are divorced and my dad is actually the first person I told before I went to an AA meeting. He has tried to be supportative, but I think it is shaming for him. He has subtly encouraged me not to share it with many people. Actually the less the better in his opinion.

As far as my mom goes, she has been out of state recovering from major surgery. I really want to tell her when she gets back, but she is one of those people that will take it on as me accusing her of being a bad parent. So I am a little nervous about telling her.

I talked to my sponsor about it and she suggested that I not worry about it for now. She said that I would know when the time is right. I don't think I am far enough thru the steps to deal with my mother's reaction without drinking, anyways! :wtf2

I hope that you got something out of my feelings. Please let me know how it goes for you when you tell them!

AAKiwi

I'm in Taranaki.

I got mum aside today and said "It's my 6 month-a-versary today since I had my last drink". She said "Oh, so it was 6 months ago you got trashed at the party and haven't had a drink since. How are you going to celebrate? With a drink?".

I just laughed and said "Nah, haha, I don't think it's really something to celebrate but just wanted to share it with you, it's sorta a personal thing".

That's all we said. But I have planted the seed, so she may talk to dad about it now and see how it goes from there. I feel so much better having said something casually

degadar

When I stopped my dad said once that he was proud of me - and that really meant something.

I'd been given up 6 months and my Mother (bless her) bought me a bottle of beer for christmas 'Just in case I fancied a small one'. It went to the tip unopened and I gave it to one of the attendants there.

We've never spoken about it when I go to see them apart from that. My Dad is a drinker and I know he understands. He never ever puts a wine glass in front of me, and never offers a drink or talks about it. My mother is hopeless, she can't understand at all and I'm sure she thinks I'm dying of something and on medication and won't tell her the truth. I've said I don't drink any more, that's enough for me. I don't bungy-jump or sky-dive either and don't feel compelled to explain my reasons for not doing so.

least

I just straight out told them, my parents, and they've been supportive but in a rather condescending way. So I take the support and leave the rest. It's really up to you when, where, if, and how you tell family. I wish the best for you.:ghug2

AAKiwi

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate reading them